SPEAKER_01 0:00

Men want a partner who's confident. They want someone who's sure of themselves. They want someone who's feels like they know who they are, knows what they want, um, in all facets, but you know, you know, we talk about confidence. We want someone who's a little confident uh sexually too. So, you know, feel feeling good about your looks doesn't hurt there.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Yeah, exactly. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Landolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, today we're gonna be talking about what men find attractive in a woman. And I feel like it's a little ironic because uh I'm coming to this podcast with like the worst haircut in the world. Like I need a haircut so bad as a man. For those of you who are just listening, thank you for only listening because uh if you're watching this on YouTube, you'll know uh I need a haircut right now. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 1:16

It's a little it's a little unruly. A little unruly. I mean, ironically, you've got like the crazy professor hair, which is you know, it feels like I should be the one with that.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

But the Einstein hair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh my mic is my camera's doing this stupid thing that it always does. We were just talking about this before shooting today. I have this this uh uh camera that just follows me around my office if I do a certain gesture. So we're back. It must be the hair. You know what? It's the hair. Distracted. So yeah, I think this will be an important topic because I think a lot of women, when they think of what men find attractive in a woman, we're just gonna talk about boobs, butt, being young, having great skin, having great hair, better hair than I have. But the reality is, of course, there are truths in all of that, you know, like when it comes to physical attraction. But frankly, like a lot of what we talk about is how to set yourself up for a long-term healthy, committed relationship. And the things that we're gonna talk about today are what men find attractive on a deep emotional level, the types of things that will actually keep a guy really bonded to you for a lifelong relationship. And I think that that's where we really should be focusing 90% of our energy. And sadly, I think a lot of women are, you know, because of ads, because of social media, because of makeup, all this stuff, are just focusing 90% of their energy on the physical stuff. I don't know. What do you think, Gary?

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah, I mean, it's actually one of the things that, you know, right before we got on here, we always talk a little bit about, you know, what where direction this is gonna go. Um, and I was like, hey, like we're not gonna talk about the physical stuff, right? Because it's kind of obvious and it's just not super helpful. Um, and the reason why I don't think it's that helpful is that it kind of goes back to that thing about you know what gets us together is and what keeps us together. And so if you're focusing too much on the physical things, like that's a really that's like for now, right? And like that's a short-term relationship orientation. And really what we want to focus on, I think, is not for now, we want to focus on forever. We want to focus on that long-term orientation. And so, you know, the physical stuff, you know, anybody that's been in relationships for a long time or has a little bit more experience or a little bit more up there in age and maturity knows that the physical stuff just isn't as important. You know, as as the as the years roll on and the decades kind of kind of move forward, it the the physical things just aren't nearly as central. Um, and certainly aren't as central to this a successful relationship. And so I'm really glad to see, you know, you know, we're gonna focus on that emotional side of things, the personality characteristics, because not only is that more important, it it's things that I think are just more productive for women to to work on.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yeah, and they're within our control. I mean, the the these things that everything we're gonna talk about today are things that are completely within your control to change very quickly. And don't get me wrong, by the way, if I were found myself instantly single, what's one of the first things I would do? I would try to get into shape, better shape than I'm in, maybe drink a few less beers than I drink. And but the reason why I do it is maybe not for the reason you might think. It's not because I want to have a six-pack to attract women, it's more so because I would want to feel good about myself. And I think that's a lot of what we like I encourage people to do when they do find find themselves single, is like, of course, start eating right, start exercising more, just because that is going to make you look in the mirror. It's gonna, you're gonna look in the mirror and be like, damn, I feel good about myself. And that energy that you bring when you feel good about yourself is actually the most attractive thing about it. And I think a lot of people think that it's like, oh, losing the five pounds is what matters. Not really. It's when you look in the mirror and you're like, damn, I look good, I feel good, I can bring that great energy, I feel sexy. And um, I would say that that's one of the first things that men find attractive in a woman is a woman who really does bring that type of energy that says, I have that confidence, I feel good about myself, I feel great, and uh, they're able to bring that to a date or a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Yeah, I mean, I I I think that you hit it right on the head. It's it's the weight is one thing, but it's really how you feel about yourself, and that confidence is huge. And men want a partner who's confident, they want someone who's sure of themselves, they want someone who's feels like they know who they are, knows what they want. Um, in in all facets, but you know, you know, we talk about confidence. We want someone who's a little confident uh sexually too. So, you know, feel feeling good about your looks doesn't hurt there.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, and I've I've definitely been in very various stages of my life. I don't know, Gary, have you ever been like a heavier set guy? I don't know. Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right. Tell me about that. Because I used to myself, like my my peak, I was probably like two thirty-five in college, and that was a rough place for me. And um I I really think that it it wasn't necessarily how I looked physically, although you know, it it probably didn't help, but it was definitely a much more about how I felt about myself, and my dating life definitely struggled quite a bit. I don't know, what was your journey like?

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Yeah, I mean for me, luckily it was when I was already married. Um so you got that dad weight. I I was I was already locked in, you know, my wife really couldn't do much about it. But it was it was when my when my daughter was born and when she was little, it's like I just I was sleeping like four hours a night. My career was at that point where I had to like hustle on like multiple fronts. I was just so busy in so many different ways. And the really it was like I refused to not be a good dad, but at the same time, I also knew like this was the time of my life, like I had to get some things in place in my career to set myself up long term, and I just didn't see any way out, like any other option. So I basically was just like, you know what? I'm gonna put myself not second, third. I it was like dead last, like so I did nothing for myself ever, other than you know, drink wine and and eat good food. And that was like I rewarded myself all the time for all the hard work, right? And you know what though, it's funny about it, is there actually is research that shows like when you're in a happy relationship, there's there's something called fat and happy. Like, you know, it's you actually put on weight when you're in a happy, secure relationship because you're not thinking about trying to attract other partners. Um, and we know in long-term relationships, like we said at the beginning of this, is like it that physical stuff's just not nearly as as important. Um, luckily I didn't eat myself to death and uh I'm still here. And you look great, Gary.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

You look great. Thanks. Also, isn't there a lot of research too? Uh someone was telling me about this. Uh he just had a a baby and he got a testosterone test, and his his testosterone went down pretty substantially after having the child, which uh it can also be related to weight gain. So maybe there's something there as well.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah, it shifts your metabolism a little bit, you know, it makes it harder for for guys to put on muscle, it decreases your energy, you know, lots lots of things like that. And you know, whether it I think there is a connection to you know having kids and becoming a dad, but I think it's also an age-related decline as well. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Okay, we just took a side tangent of of the day, but worth talking about. So uh first thing is just how you feel about yourself and being able to bring that incredible energy. And the cool thing about that is you can go to the you can go start eating well, you can start sleeping well, you can start exercising, or just going for walks, and suddenly very quickly, you can start bringing that energy. Nothing actually has to change about you physically for you to bring that confidence and that energy. Um, so that's the first thing to think to mention.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Just make sure I would add to that, is make sure you're doing all those things for yourself. Yeah. You're doing it for you because you want to feel better, you want you want to feel more confident. You're not doing it for this, you know, faceless possible guy. Don't do things for other people, right? That I think that's part of what we talk about in both of our programs is just the importance of building that strong foundation and being confident in yourself and knowing who you are. And so make sure, you know, you want to take up hiking, you want to eat better, any of those, any of those things, you know, just make sure you're doing it because you want to be better. And that, like Adam said earlier, well, you know, that kind of energy is is very attractive.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Yeah, it's so true. Um, the second thing I want to mention, and this might trigger some of you, so trigger warning, uh, real quick on this. I mentioned I'm not going to talk about age, but one thing that men do find attractive in a woman is youthfulness. And when I say youthfulness, it actually has very little to do with your age. It actually is much more has to do with your energy. Like I have some clients that are in their 70s that have the youthfulness, that youthful energy of like a 23-year-old. They're curious, they're excited, they want to get out there, they want to meet new people. When they go to uh a new environment, they're just excited to explore it. And then I I've had clients who are in their 20s who have the spirit of a 93-year-old. And I think men, especially throughout the dating process, are very much so drawn to that energy, that curiosity, that incredible just energy where you see a puddle and you're like, instead of if you get a little bit wet, you're not like, oh, that's the end of the night. You just jump in the puddle and they laugh about it, right? And I think that that is something that is incredibly attractive uh to a lot of men when you're getting out there and dating. It's just basically not taking it too seriously.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Yeah, we I mean, we like fun people. Right? Like, who doesn't who doesn't want to be with with a partner who's fun? Like, we don't want to be with you know the old maid who you know turns into bed at 7 30 p.m., right? And and just you know plays canasta. I don't know what old people do. I don't know. But like, you know, whenever it happens, I just know my grandmom is heavy into canasta. Scrabble? I play scrabble with my mom. That's that's pretty good. Maybe a little scrabble. Maybe, yeah, maybe like you know, not words of friends, it's probably too new age. Um scrabble.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

But I go to bed at 8 30, so I can't talk.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

I'm really that granddad person. So you're I was gonna say, are you calling yourself an old mate? I wasn't sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Yeah, basically. Basically.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

But I like we like we like okay. I was just gonna say we we like fun partners because we like new and exciting things. Like we we like dating, or why do we like dating? Because it's new and fun and interesting. Um, it's exciting, and so you want to have those kinds of personality traits. I mean, the other thing that's kind of youthful is just being positive. We like positive and optimistic partners. We don't like grumpy, argumentative, negative people who are always finding problems. Like we want to be with someone who's like upbeat, you know, sees sees the good in the world and sees the good nuts for that, for that matter. And so, you know, those kinds of things are are helpful. Like, and and like you said about the the whole puddle thing, it just kind of made me think one of the big things I think guys want in a in a woman is low maintenance. Just like, you know, eat easy, easy going, like just not so needy, not so, you know, having so many things to take care of, you know, someone that just doesn't add problems to your life. Right? We weren't we want problem solvers, not not problem finders.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Yeah. I like that. Problem solvers, not problem finders. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast? Really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love. And uh, I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah, I remember I went on a date with I'll say girl, because she was like 24 at the time. I think I was 26. And I remember, so I still think that's in girl territory, but I don't know, debatable. I remember going on the date, and within like four minutes of being on the date, she's like, So I just need to ask you, like, what are you looking for? And I'm like, I was just so taken back because I'm like, this is our like our first date. I'm thinking in my head, like, whoa, what are you what am I looking for? I don't, I'm on a date with you, like I'm interested. And I understand where she's coming from with that question, but basically by asking that question, she's telling me the last couple of guys I've gone out with have been total players and they've used me, and now I'm jaded, and now I want to just cut to the chase. I want to skip all this fun stuff and just know if you're gonna be my boyfriend. Okay, that's how I translate it. I don't know, I don't know how you feel about that, but that is the opposite, I would say, of youthfulness, which is just coming that youthful energy coming to the date, being curious about the person, bringing your best energy, being excited to be there. And then it's not to say you can't have conversations like that the further along once you get to know a person. Of course, you want to do that, but certainly within the first date, with the first 30 minutes of the date, let's bring some of that great energy because we know first impressions matter so much, and that that moment just stuck in my mind for so long because I liked her, I really did, until like she kind of wouldn't let that go. Because I wasn't giving her like I wasn't like, Oh, I'm looking for a very serious relationship. Because, like, I don't know, I just met you, I'm 26. I'm I'm open, you know, if this goes somewhere. Um, but you know what I'm saying, Gary?

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Yeah, I mean, I think it's one of those things like timing is everything, right? So, you know, what she what she's asking of you is completely fair. Like, I mean, it's something to cover, but we also know there's like a natural progression to how dates go. We have expectations about how those things go, and this there's a certain sequencing of events, yeah. Um, and and you know, that kind of question turns something that's supposed to be fun, spontaneous, maybe a little mysterious, like a little into almost like a weird job interview. And that's just not like pace yourself, right? Like just a little bit, a little bit too much of that serious side a little too soon. Um, and that's generally not, you know, we we all kind of know we're getting there. We all know that that's where this is heading, and you know, eventually we're gonna have those conversations, but just you know, at first it's it's let's let's have fun and get to know each other before we start having this the serious conversations.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Be fun first, and then we can get serious. That's the slogan of the day. Be fun first, all right. And when we do that, we bring that energy that is naturally attractive to people. People want to be around that type of energy. And if you're finding that a lot of the people you're going out with are repelled and aren't asking you out on second dates, or it's just not going anywhere, maybe just think about that energy that we're bringing to the table. And that is something that we can shift very, very quickly. We can be aware of that when we're going on a date where we're really listening to ourselves talk. Are we complaining about our exes? Are we complaining about our day? Are you going showing up to the first date and he asks, Oh, how's your day? Normal question. You're like, Oh, it's the worst. I literally hate my job. Like, my boss, he just keeps coming over my desk. He has the worst breath, and then I went out for lunch, and oh, like the sandwich was disgusting. And he's like, This is a first date. It's like are you surprised that people are asking on second dates?

SPEAKER_01 16:17

And I and I think that whole thing about you know that this girl asking you that question is you have to remember, like, one of the fundamental tenets of attraction is reciprocity. We like people that like us. And so when she you don't know when she's asking that kind of question, does she ask that of everybody, or is there something about something we're doing that's making her think, I better ask this guy to see what's up? And we generally take things kind of personally, right? Like we think, oh, why is she asking me this? And we don't like, you know, it shows a little bit of distrust, right? Like she she's not she's a little bit skeptical about us, and so you know, we don't want to gravitate towards people who are kind of like off putting and unsure about us. Like, we want to gravitate someone who's like all in and like definitely for sure likes us because we also don't want to waste our time with someone who's like, I don't I I kind of like you, but I don't know if I really like you, you know, and so it's you gotta be careful about some of those things that you're saying, and and some of like the meta messages, like the the message behind the message that you're conveying with with some of those questions, particularly like I said, you know, the question's fair, but timing timing is everything.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Yeah. And r reciprocity is on my list too. What do you know? I mean, that is such an important thing that I think, especially this day and age, a lot of women think that they need to be cold or play hard to get when it comes to dating. And one thing that we focus a lot of our energy on in both of our programs is being intentional about your pacing and your speed moving forward. So moving slow and intentionally, but at the same time being like being willing to share compliments, being open and giving showing interest in the guy, you can do all of those things. You can show interest, you can tell him you like him, you can tell him he's the funniest guy you've met in a really long time. You can say things like that and be extremely open in that way. Um so long as you just move at an appropriate pace, like just slow things down. And I think that that's something that is is uh is within anyone's control, is to just be that open. It's we don't recommend going into a date and being the cold-hearted, you know, RBF, resting bitch face type person, because by nature, people are not going to be attracted to that. Be the type of person who's open, be willing to show some interest, put your hand across the table, lightly touch his arm when he says something funny, share that interest, and suddenly what do you know? He's gonna look at his arm be like, Oh, interesting. She likes me. Great. Now I'm gonna give a little bit, and that's a great way to build a connection. Um, the only caveat to all that is if you're doing that, just make sure you're not showing all this interest, then texting him the next day, and then texting him the next you know, lunch, and then trying to see him that next day, and then before you know it, two weeks later you're moving in together. That's what I mean by show interest, but move at an appropriate pace.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Yeah, I I think the most important thing in all that is be authentic, right? Like, so you know, you're talking about like this, you know, kind of taking this stance where you're going in cold and distant just to make sure as if that's if that's really how you actually are in a day-to-day business, you know, life, like fine, do that because you need to find a partner who likes that. I mean, you're gonna have a hard time, I think. But you know, if that's if that's your if that's who you are and that's how how you are, then you have to act like that. But I think you know, to do it as a tactic or or a weird, like kind of like I don't know, almost like a guy's like, you know, I'm gonna go in with this persona to make sure, and like you're trying too hard, right? You know, just just go in, be yourself if you if you like them. Like you said, you know, a little little touch, little, you know, be friendly, be warm, be be be who you are. Um and that's that's actually you know what what guys are looking for. And so, you know, don't don't play, I I say this all the time, but like you know, don't don't play stupid games because that you're only gonna win stupid prizes. And so, you know, you go in acting how you're not, and then that person actually, you know, that guy falls in love with that person. Like I mean, there's a million movies written about this kind of stuff. Like, just go be yourself, right? Be authentic, be true to yourself, and you're gonna attract the right kind of person for you.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

I don't know. I mean, I feel like I don't I don't love the idea of be yourself just because like if your natural self is terrible energy and it's negative and you hate everyone, then maybe it's time to work on that, right? And so, and I know you're not saying that, but I think like there's something to that if your natural self is a the type of person who every person you meet, you're just like, Oh god, I feel terrible, I hate everything. Then I would start there, I'd be working on that first before even going on dates. That means we need to work on our social skills first, and and then ideally, because like for myself personally, when I started dating, my natural self was not like necessarily the most like out there person. Like, I didn't have a lot of energy when I met a person for the first time. I didn't know how to smile or what we call smock, which is smiling while talking. I didn't know any of that stuff, but I worked on it, and it is something you can work on when you start meeting people. And we know from the science that like within anywhere from like one second to one minute, people are making really important judgments about you. And these are the things that we can work on, are total totally within our control. So, yeah, kind of like don't fake it, but also don't just be yourself if you you yourself kind of suck, be your absolute best, most charismatic, incredible self you could possibly be. How's that for a nuanced asterisk? What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Yeah, I mean, I I I think you know. So you you got to send out uh the best version of yourself. And I think to in my mind, being authentic, it goes back to one of the things you said is like if you're not that kind of person, you got to work on yourself first. It means you're not ready for dating. It's not you're not ready to be out there yet. Um, you know, it it's the first step in in my program is like making yourself relationship ready. And so one of the things that goes into making yourself relationship ready is doing that self-care, that self-work to make sure you know who you are and you're comfortable and like you are that best possible version of yourself. So that way when you do go out, you don't have to fake it. You can be authentic in that person who you are. Um I think the other wonderful thing about dating is that you get to try out different facets of yourself. That that's and that's truly playing different roles or you're being a different person altogether, but like, you know, it's a little bit of a like experimentation. Like on this day, like I'm gonna go extra friendly on this one. I'm gonna really, you know, I'll or on this one, I'm gonna treat this person like they're my best friend and just kind of like go with that. And you can you can try out different sort of aspects of your personality because you know that's the nice thing about our personalities is that they are multifaceted, you're not just this one stagnant thing, and there's many sides to it. So you can try out a lot of those different sides and still stay authentic.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

I love that. I that really rings true for me, and I haven't talked about that in probably like nine years, because I haven't been single in like nine years, and that is like that idea that when you're dating, it's the ultimate time to kind of try yourself out a little bit and try different things. And I remember like for myself when I was dating, it's just it just when you said that it kind of brought me back to this moment in time in my life where I was always kind of like the nice guy, okay. So I would get stuck in that category for you know a lot of women because I was, I don't know, I'm as Jessica, I'm by nature like a pretty like I'm like the the like romantic guy, like I'm sweet and all that stuff. But when it comes to dating, like that's not that necessarily attractive. So when I it right off the bat, okay, everyone woman wants that guy, but like in the end, they think that they want that guy, but when they get him, they're not attracted to him. So then I went through this phase of like trying out to be like kind of like a jerk, but like a playful jerk with a smile, and like doing it like teasing. And and when I went through that phase of my life, I was like kind of like teasing a lot of people and poking fun. Sometimes I would push it too far, and then I started to learn like boundaries. I'm like, interesting, that's a part of my personality I wasn't really aware of because I was teasing, but then I kind of like actually went too far and maybe even hurt her feelings. Now I gotta rope it back, and then you start that's the only way you learn, though, is if you experiment and try different parts of your personality. I think you're right, dating is the perfect time to do that because now that I'm married, like I think I can't really do that. Like when you're in a social scenario, I can't just be like a different person. Just will be like, who what are you trying to do? Who who are you, you know? And so I think it's a really, really interesting point, and something a lot of you can hopefully take out of this if you are single.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Yeah, I mean, I think it's one of those, it goes back to something we we've said a lot on this podcast is like what the dating world is very different than the relationship world. And dating is one of those times that it's a it's a it's a world of experimentation. Like, you know, as you're telling that whole story, I'm just sitting here smiling because it's like you could have been describing me to a T. Like that's I went, I traveled the same path, had the same journey, did all the same things. Literally, the the first thing I I ever in my entire life wrote about relationships was me and a friend of mine in college wrote what we call, and this this is so cringy and this is horrible. You gotta share it with me. We don't have to share publicly, but you gotta share it. But we we called it the nice guy manifesto. And so it was this whole thing about how like we are literally what every girl should want because we're nice, we're caring, and we're good at communicating, we're like all we're like great in relationships, but like every girl, like I had thousands of friends, right? Like it was really, you know, I got friend zoned all the time, like it was this ridiculous thing. And but like then I would always be the one that girls were complaining to about their jerk boyfriends, and it was like it just drove me insane. So I was like, oh, you know what? I'm gonna solve this problem. I'm gonna write, you know, we're gonna write this thing, and then maybe we'll print it in the paper. Luckily, we had the good sense not to do that. I don't know whatever happened to this thing, but like let's hope it's dead and buried forever. But like it consciously made that choice, like after like going through that period and writing it up, like you know what? I'm just going to rather than show how nice I am, I'm going to just be a little be a little different. I'm gonna I'm gonna just you know try to act, be a little bit more confident in that realm, maybe overconfident, and then see how that goes. And it went okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Yeah. I I think that that is awesome, and I can't wait to read this. Please send it to me. Uh the manifesto. If you I don't have it, thankfully. I don't know whatever happened to it.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

So hopefully it's a map for long sense. We're gonna find it.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

It's long sense for God. I know it's in your file cabinet somewhere, you're just like, dear God, no. Um but it it it really is true, and all of those things, which kind of leads us to another point, which is just being comfortable being a little bit edgy. If you are, especially so many of my clients are people pleasers by nature. I'm a people pleaser, like my nature is to be like I always want to give and give and give. But by nature, when you are dating someone and they haven't yet earned your affection yet, and you're giving them lots and lots of your affection over and over and over again, and you're just like giving them your all and you're investing all of your energy in that person too soon, too quickly, that can be incredibly unattractive because the guy hasn't done anything yet to earn your affection, right? He hasn't he hasn't yet invested in you too much, he hasn't really gotten to know you yet, he hasn't done all these things. So allow him to kind of pursue you rather than you being the person like just giving him all of your affection, everything right off the bat. And that's something I certainly learned as a guy, like not to play games, but just to realize that like a woman basically has to earn my affection. My affection matters, it has value. And if I'm just going out there and just like showering a woman with like my all, that's not going to be very attractive to her. So I kind of learn to pair that back a little bit and be aware of, in fact, if I want to build some attraction, sometimes leaning back actually creates that desire rather than leaning in, which is something we talked about last week quite a bit.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Yeah, I mean, ultimately you want your partner to respect you, right? And if if you're just being way too accommodating and way too helpful, and you know, you don't want to be their servant, you don't want to like just be like constantly doing everything for them. They don't want a personal assistant, they want to want an equal, they want a partner. And so, you know, you to get your partner to respect you, it starts with some self-respect. And so to like, like you said, like you've got to earn my affection, you gotta earn this from me. I'm not just not gonna give, give, give, give, give without anything being expected back. It goes back a little bit to that reciprocity idea as well. And so, you know, remember it guys fundamentally they they want a partner, they don't want a servant, right? And and certainly, you know, I mean, maybe there's some guy out there that wants that, but you don't certainly want him, right? And so you gotta you know, self-respect to gain gain your partner's respect.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Yeah, absolutely. Um, another one on my list, and this I think is one of the top for both men and women, as just a kind person, just kindness. Someone who is kind to others and certainly kind to you. And I mean, I don't know if much explanation really needs to go into this. I don't know if you're aware of the research that goes into it. I think it's just mostly survey data on what people find attractive and other people, but it's pretty well known. Just be a good person and be kind to others, and people will be more attracted and want to spend time with you and be around you.

SPEAKER_01 29:57

Yeah, I mean, we everybody likes kind, kind is is easy to get along with, you know, evolutionarily speaking, like, you know, if you if you're in a tribe with people, you want them to be kind because you want them to take care of you, right? Um and this is like one of those things, you know, I know we're talking about what men find attractive and women, but I mean, women and men, like you want to look for someone kind as well. And this is like that classic, um, how does it how does he treat the the waitress question? Right, when you're out at a restaurant, it's like how how does how does your partner treat the the helpers that are around, right? Whether it's someone taking their bags at a hotel or a waitress or you know, somebody a staff at a hotel. I mean, who knows? It's you want to see how they treat people. Like, are they kind to just certain people that they think deserve their kindness? Are they just kind of like unilaterally all around, kind, good people? And I I think you definitely want the latter.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

So if you went on a date with a woman, Gary, and she kindly sent back the meal, like she's like, hmm, this tastes gross, but she was nice about it. What do you think? Are you into her or you are you not into her? So I you know, I I answer all these things because I'm kind of.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

I once did this. I'm curious on what you think. I it it really it depends on what it was about. Like if it was cooked wrong, right? Yeah, then I think it's okay. And as long as you did it really nicely and like kind of make a joke about it and and don't make the waitress feel bad and say, like, I understand this is you know, like I think there's a there's a definite way to do it that it is completely okay. If you're just kind of being a little picky in high maintenance, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Yeah, I see. Well, I once took the steak and I just threw it on the ground and I said, What is this for? A dog? Send this back. No, I'm just kidding. I would never say that. I uh I was eating the steak, yeah. Perfect, perfect. That's why I was single forever. No, I it just one time I remember I was on a date and I'm like, this is really, really gross. I'm so sorry I gotta do this. Are you okay if I just like get another one? She was like, Yeah, of course. I don't know why that popped into my head again. I'm just trying to go back deep into the archives and um yeah, all good. But I could imagine someone who is actually rude to uh I mean to me that is like the ultimate offense. Anyone who is just rude to others. And also I find that one really easy way to know if someone is kind is how they speak about their friends and their close loved ones. Like if the way that they're talking about their friends is all about gossip and negativity towards other people, they're always wronged by other people. Likely they're unkind people in some way, shape, or form where they're just like the wrong type of person. You gotta remember when you're dating, everyone's got that. I call it the dating mask. They have that mask on. It's not the real them, you're not getting to know them, but when they speak about other people, you can actually get a pretty good idea of what they'll look like when they actually take that mask off. And um, I've certainly been with plenty of people, I'm sure you you have been as well, Gary, where it's just like, God, they have nothing kind to say about anyone else, and they're just wronged by everyone, and you're like, ooh, this is not someone I want to spend time with.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

Yeah, like the people that are persecuted by everything, like every everybody's out to get them, like you know, the entitledness, the being treated unfairly, and and I think sometimes people share those kinds of things about how like life has just been so wrong to them in a way that you know they think is attractive. Because like, but again, you don't want your partner to feel sorry for you early on, right? That it's it's it's not necessarily an attractive look to think like, oh, I'm gonna be with this person who constantly has all these bad things happening to them, and it never seems to be their fault, and so it's just really bad luck all the time. Like, yeah, I don't I don't I don't know if that's possible. And so, you know, we want to be with somebody who's capable, like we want to be with somebody who's intelligent. We want, again, we want to be with somebody who's who's our equal, who's gonna be our you know, kind of partner in crime, so to speak, and and and be, you know, everyone likes that idea of being part of a power couple, right? It's like there's just something cool about like you know, we talk about it in synergy all the time. It's like one plus one is more than one. It's like I want someone who's you know better than me so I can learn from them, and so the two of us can learn from each other and just be this kind of power couple that's just better because we're together. And that that's really what we're all looking for long term is better because we're together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:22

If you're with a guy who's on your level, that's that's the big big aster. If you're dating, if you find that you're with a guy who's super intimidated by that or unattracted to that, well, he's just probably not on your level, right? We already talked about that in a previous podcast. So um, I just wanted to mention that because I can imagine like thousands of people listen, women listen to this be like, well, I don't know, men are intimidated by my success. I wanted to just throw that in there. No, that's a hundred percent. Yeah. All right, let's leave it on this final one that I put down, which I'm curious on your take as our relationship coach and and part of relationship synergy and and running that program. Um, because I think that this might be the reason why, in some ways, when we find ourselves in relationships or married, that attraction can sometimes wane a little bit, and that is mystery, mysteriousness, and this aura of just not quite being able to understand who that person is yet can be incredibly attractive. And like I've had some clients who they'll meet a guy on an online dating app, and within an hour they're texting with him. That's okay, we recommend that. But then within another hour, they're talking on the phone, and then they're sending good morning texts, lunch texts, evening texts, FaceTiming, and they've already talked about 23 times before they've even met in real life. And then by the time they've met in real life, they know everything about each other from age four to forty-five. And there's just like no mysteriousness there. It's like it's all just been the all the tension is kind of gone now. It's just been like cut with a knife. And I think being aware of of of or being okay with allowing a little bit of mystery and a little bit of unanswered questions to happen on a first date or even a second date, and you can be like, you know what? This is only our first date. We can talk about that next time. That's perfectly okay. I want him to be coming away from a date and being like, I don't quite understand her. Like, she's a lawyer and she also rides motorcycles, like she's into all these things. I can't quite figure her out yet, but I want to know more. And I think that that is something that's incredibly powerful and incredibly attractive.

SPEAKER_01 36:40

Yeah, I mean, I I think it comes down to pacing, right? It's you don't want to go too much too quick too soon, right? If you're telling somebody your whole entire life story early on, to like, I want it, I want them to know everything as then what's then what's left, right? And so, yeah, I mean, just kind of go go a little slower. I I think you want to match the pacing of your partner as well, right? You you know, I I I think particularly for women, they're a little bit more comfortable self-disclosing and just generally more comfortable communicating. Um, and so there's a real temptation there to kind of fill the void and and just constantly talk and explain and and and just kind of divulge everything um while you know the guy just kind of sits there quietly and soaks it all in. But you know, like you said, it's mysteriousness, you know, I I would say, you know, in from the research perspective, it it's really about novelty. We like new things. Like we we like constantly to you know come up with something new and interesting. And so if you kind of give it all away early on, there's there's nothing left. And and the thing is, if you're in this for the long haul, you have plenty of time. Like there's gonna be plenty of opportunity later. You're gonna get you're gonna get to it all, right? And it's like you're together long enough, you're gonna hear all the same story. Like you, it's that's fine. Like there's time, like so you don't have to, you know, it's it's like a little bit too much anxiety, and like some of its anxiety, like I gotta, you know, show all the good stuff right away to make sure I really No Pace. Easy, easy. I would just say the the one caution I would have about mysterious and just that that framing of it is one of the things guys don't like, and what we people don't like in partners, is someone who's emotionally unstable. And so if emotionally unstable is a little mysterious because it's like on a day-to-day basis, like you don't know, or hour to hour, like you don't know what you're gonna get. Like, is this person when I see them in there they're gonna be happy, sad, mad, like who knows? And so we like predictability, we like stability, particularly in our in our partners' emotions. And so you don't want to be somebody who's like constantly like you know crying their eyes out one moment and you don't want to look like real and then you don't want to be you don't want to be too crazy, basically, right? Right, and so you know, mist mysterious can be unpredictable, but like in in certain aspects, you know, we don't we don't want our neurotic partner.

SPEAKER_00 39:01

Yeah, emotional stability is definitely I wouldn't necessarily call that attractive or unattractive, but it's critical for a long-term partnership, that's for sure. Is someone who I mean dating shows so much about a person's emotional stability because it's such an emotional roller coaster for everybody, even if you're an emotionally stable person, anyways. If you're dating, going out on a lot of dates and meeting lots of people, it's like the ultimate test of emotions. And you can definitely I think that's why some people and I I really feel for them. And like we have some clients who will say that I've gone out with guys who are crazy or I'm crazier, and I don't even love using that word. It's just an emotionally, it's an emotional roller coaster. And that's why I think having some type of strategy throughout the process, whether it's ours or someone else's, just or a sounding board, or having some support to walk you through that is is so helpful to just I don't know, I I always say like so we both have a community for both of our programs as a private community where you can like post and and ask questions and or just connect with other clients. And I always say that that's kind of like the rational side of your uh the dating process. It's kind of like being able to connect with the brain while you're dating rather than just leading with the heart and just being all over the place. Because I get it. Like I used to be extremely emotional myself, just like an emotional roller coaster. And it wasn't until I started learning all this stuff and listening to people like yourself, Gary, where it just started to like kind of calm itself down and be like, I got this. Like, just follow the process. Like, I got this, I can make this happen.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

Yeah, and it makes it a lot easier to follow the process when you understand the process better. Like when you when you know more about relationships and you know what's good, what's bad, what works, what doesn't work, you know, the ups and the downs and what's typical and what's atypical. You don't have to spend so much time guessing. And it's that guessing process that leads to a lot of just emotional turmoil. That's one of the things that makes it so darn hard. And so, you know, when you when you learn more, um, you can do better, right? And and that's really the goal of what we're trying to do.

SPEAKER_00 41:07

Amen to that. All right, so look at that. We talked about what men find attractive in a woman, and we didn't talk about boobs, buts, or age throughout the entire podcast. Um, so Gary, what do we talk about next week? Hopefully, I'll have a haircut by that point. Maybe uh, I don't know, how to avoid unhealthy relationships. Um what do you think? What do what do you feel on for next week? Ooh, how about dating a narcissist?

SPEAKER_01 41:38

Oh my god. Narcissists. I mean, the narcissist thing is huge, and I think it ties into a lot of things we've already talked about. Um, but we we haven't actually touched specifically on the narcissist thing, but I think it's oh wow, man, there's a lot of them out there, so it it's definitely worth talking about.

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Narcissism, how to avoid a narcissistic man, dump them next week. Um, I'm pretty sure every single client that joins either of our programs said that they've dated a narcissist. So uh let's talk about the myths, uh, the realities, the truth, and how to avoid the plague of the narcissist next week. That sounds like a good one. And uh yeah, thank you so much, Gary. That was super fun. All right, cool, man. See you next week. Later. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head on over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and uh speak to you next week.