SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there, and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast? It spreads a lot of love and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women just like you attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review and let's jump into the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

If you were engaging in the behaviors he's engaging in, what would that mean about how you feel? And so you start thinking like, if I didn't text the guy, except for sporadically, if I made plans that didn't follow through, what would that say about how I felt about that guy? Well, it's actually becomes really simple then. It becomes really obvious, which is like, I just don't like him that much. And it's like, oh. And it's like that flipping a perspective, like, what would be going on in my heart and in my head that would make me behave like this? And all of a sudden it unlocks the whole thing. It's like, oh. I love that. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ledolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. You know, Gary, when you proposed this topic of talking about seven ways to know if a guy really likes you, I thought to myself, how many times do I have to create a video about whether or not a guy likes a woman? I feel like I want to jump off a bridge thinking about doing this topic. But I think we can give a lot of help to those who haven't. Is that a terrible way to start a podcast? I think it is, but it's just what's going on in my mind. I'm like, oh my God, how many times do we have to talk about this to just get it through some people's head? He doesn't like you or he does like you, and both are okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

I think it's one of those things because of what we do and who we talk to, we hear this a lot. But I mean, this is this is literally like one of those age-old questions in relationships, right? It's like we could we could record a podcast if seventh graders, middle schoolers listen to podcasts, like they would have this exact same question. And people haven't figured it out in the last 20 years, like no one gets it.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Um same with an 80-year-old, would be I'm sure many 80-year-olds are listening to this, and they're like, I still don't know if a guy likes me or not. I get it. And sometimes I think when you're in it, it's really hard to know, like to be able to see through the fog of love. Like when I was dating 10 years ago and I was single and getting out there, um, I'd be talking to a woman and this this monologue runs through your head. Does she like me? Does she not like me? And and luckily, I've been doing this for long enough that I know to cut that off pretty quickly and realize that in most cases that's actually not really serving me in this situation. But um, I I get it. It's just like a part of our nature. I'm sure 10,000 years ago, people were asking this question, and I guarantee if humans are around in 10,000 years, they will still be asking this question.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Yeah, and you know, because we do a podcast for successful women, this is pitched towards women and how women are having a hard time figuring out if guys like them. But if we were doing this podcast for guys, it would be even longer because they're even more clueless in terms of trying to figure out if women like them. I mean, women are generally better at this than men, but there's still just certain things. Um, and I and I think, you know, what we're gonna do today is just a slightly different take on anything I've ever seen in terms of how to answer this question.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Yeah, I love it. Because I mean, sometimes for those women out there, if you're dating or talking to a guy, you might be texting a guy, he seems really interested. You're sending your absolute best A game flirty text to him, but then you don't hear anything. It's like nothing. Or maybe he does give you like a one-word answer, and maybe you then say, like, we should go out some time. And he's like, Yeah, sure. But then you never hear from him again. And this is a common thing we hear from a lot of women out there.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

And that's what I like about how we're gonna approach this today, is because I think so many times, how to know if a guy really likes you, what everyone else does is like, what what face is he making? Like, what did his text say? And it's it's all that like really, really early initial stuff. And I think that's uh frankly a lot easier to figure out because guys are pretty like straightforward a lot of times. Um what we're talking about today is more is he is he really into you? Does he really like you? Kind of after that initial meetup in a way where it's like things are going okay, but then it just kind of dies or it fizzles out, or it's just not progressing as far or as fast as you might like. And so that's what we're gonna focus on.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Yeah, and typically when this is happening and you're kind of getting the hot and cold feeling from a guy, typically there's two reasons why this might be happening. The first one is that he's a shy guy, doesn't know how to date. Maybe he has a fear of rejection, maybe he went through a terrible breakup in the past and is just terrified of I don't know, getting hurt. And that is a real fear for a lot of guys. Um, but the second reason is that you might be, I hate to say it, kind of the backburner. You might be, you know, the woman that he is, I don't know, maybe considering, but he's also really trying to get out there and continue dating and seeing other people. Or really, he's just might I say, breadcrumbing. Gary, do you want to explain a little bit about breadcrumbing?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

The backburner, breadcrumbing. It sounds like the world's worst cooking show. It's just terrible. But so bread crumbing. So the fact of the matter is, and this sounds weird to a lot of women, is that guys will keep you around even if they're not really that interested in you. Yeah. And that's essentially what these backburner, breadcrumbing kinds of things are about. And so, what is bread crumbing? Bread crumbing is essentially just leading somebody on, it's doing a lot of getting to know you types of activities, talking, chatting, but it's it's sporadic. It's inconsistent attention. It's showing interest, but just enough to kind of keep you coming back without ever doing much to progress it into a full-fledged relationship. Because oftentimes when people are breadcrumbing, when these guys are doing this, they're not interested. They're not at the moment, they're not at the moment looking for a long-term committed, fulfilling relationship. And so they're they're just kind of doing just enough to kind of like lead you down that path, breadcrumb by breadcrumb, to kind of keep you hooked without ever really caring about getting to a destination.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Yeah, something is holding them back. Maybe they're still going through a divorce, maybe they even had a death in the family. I mean, there's a million reasons why a guy might not be fully pursuing you. And at this stage in the connection, that's really not for you to be totally concerned about because ultimately his actions truly do matter the most at this stage. And for all those women who try to justify why he might be doing this and why I need to stick around and why, why, why he's really a great guy, you're wasting time. I don't know what to tell you. You're wasting time and precious resources on those guys. And by the way, women do this too. Like women breadcrumb just as well. I think it's part of human nature. And one thing I've found that happens, especially with our clients, like when they get into Love Accelerator and they start working with us, they tend to say next to a lot of guys who are breadcrumbing them. And when they move on from those guys, those guys come back with a furious amount of energy, like a ton of, and not furious might be the wrong word, but a lot of energy. And they actually start pursuing them again because those guys now have a fear of loss. But the thing is, if they go back with that guy, guess what's gonna happen? He's gonna pull away again. So this kind of hot and cold bread crumbing stuff is can be very toxic and very taxing to you emotionally. And first things first is to realize that and be really intentional about your emotional energy throughout the process. And if you are, and you can remove this type of behavior, you can really simplify your love life pretty quickly. Suddenly things can get pretty simple if you just don't tolerate that type of behavior.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

Yeah, you get rid of the bad, and all of a sudden, a lot more good, there's a lot more room for the good to shine through, right? Um I I think one of the really important points to make is every once in a while a guy's breadcrumbing just because he's confusing and doesn't know what's going on. Like he he himself actually doesn't know how he feels, and so he's just kind of wishy-washy and just not really certain. But that said, bread crumbing is a really nice sounding term for something that a lot of guys do that's just frankly emotional manipulation. Yeah, right? They're they're playing around with you. Like when we're talking about back burning, it's like they're they're purposefully saying to themselves, like, okay, she's good, but she's not quite up to where I and you know, purposely doing things to keep you hooked, but knowing it's not going anywhere. And so, you know, again, you're gonna kind of see this theme running through this episode today is like this this is not the guy that you want. And so when you start reframing bread crumbing, which sounds kind of adorable, into um frankly emotional manipulation, it starts sounding exactly what you just said, which is like the the kind of guy you should next.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Um the thing is, I just want to say one note on this is he might not see you as a potential partner, and that is okay. Like that happens to everyone. That is not just if you look a certain way, you're a certain age, you know, you name the excuse. That does happen to everyone, and those who are successful at dating and finding love are those who can look at that and be like, that is okay, but it that he is hot and cold, I'm just not going to settle for that type of behavior. It's just not acceptable to me. In fact, it's actually a little bit unattractive, it's not a little bit, it's very unattractive to me. And once you can make that shift and you suddenly think to yourself, just not going to tolerate that, it just sets you free. No longer you're gonna be hurt by it. You can you don't have to be hurt by it. It's just like he's not into it. Goodbye. I don't care why. And honestly, if you don't know why, I always something I would always do is if I was pursuing a woman, she was just like giving a little bit of you know, here and there, a little bit of validation. She was texting me randomly. Um, I would just tell myself, just to ease the pain, that it's not me, it's her. She's got something else going on in her life. Goodbye. It's clearly not the right time. I would just change it up to external factors, and it just makes it easy.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

It's it's it's a hundred percent true, right? Like when these guys are doing this stuff, it's partially me. Come on. I'm thinking, all right, I was gonna, I was shaving a percent or two for you, but it's but it's they don't know you, it's not about you, right? They don't know you well enough to make a good judgment about you as a person. So as much as it stings, we we take these things a little too personal. And so most of the time early on, it's not about you, it's about them and something they're going through. And I think that's really important because you don't want to get in that pattern where you're blaming yourself and thinking, like, what's wrong with me? And it's like, no, it's not. They don't know you, right? So it's really not about you.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called hecommits.com, and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to hecommits.com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're gonna like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast. So, Gary, I think what we need for you are some like nerd glasses, and you can put on these nerd glasses whenever you bust out your research and your statistics. Do you have any you don't wear glasses?

SPEAKER_00 11:57

I uh wear contacts because of being bullied. Thanks, Adam.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Um give out your nerd glasses. Nerd glasses. What are what do they do? I can't flexible enough to do it. Just getting flashbacks to fourth grade. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Gary. I just uh lost about 75% of our listeners uh for being a bully.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

Well, I'm glad you brought it up. You look great. I'm glad you brought this up because speaking of research, I I did I was able to find some research on bread crumbing because one of the questions I know people have is wait a second, like breadcrumbing, is this a thing? Is this common? And the biggest question of them all is like, does this just happen to me? Because I'm sure people listening have had this happen. And yeah, when these kinds of things happen, we again we take it personal and we start thinking like it's something about me, I'm doing something wrong. Why is this happening to me?

SPEAKER_01 12:50

I gotta change my entire strategy. I need to move, I need to, you know, all I need to become a lesbian, all men are the worst, whatever it is that we decide because of this. And let's just start with it happens to everyone. I guarantee it happened to Angelina Jolie at a certain time in her life. Name the woman, Beyonce, Taylor Swift. I'm sure it has been breadcrumbed before. I guarantee it. I don't listen to enough of her music to know, but like pretty sure she talks a lot about the the crap that she deals with. So you're so full of it.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

You're you're such a closet swifty. I've seen the pictures, like you are acting like you know nothing about Taylor Swift.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

It's such a I I did go to the Taylor Swift concert in Boston, and it was the best night of my life. All right, there we go. But I don't really listen to Taylor Swift, I just like happen to, yeah. Moving on. All right, now you're bullying me. All right, we're even seeing this is what happened. All right, hit us up with the nerd, the nerd juice.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

There was a study, they study of 600 people, and basically what they found that the gist of it is over half, 56%, had been breadcrumbed at some point in their dating experience. So it you're basically it's a flip of a coin, right? Like one out of two people are gonna experience breadcrumbing. Um they also asked them in the last year how often has this happened to you, and there's basically one out of three had had it happened in the last year. The other really interesting thing was they didn't just ask if you were the victim of breadcrumbing, they asked if you've done it yourself. And it's the exact same percent, in the sense that like, so half of the people had done it to somebody else at some point, and about a third had done it to somebody else in the last year. And so, what I think is really important about this is just to point out like it's prevalent. People do this, and I'm sure the people that are the perpetrators of this, when they're doing it, they're not thinking like it's something specific about that person. Again, it's it's just a behavior that people are doing. It's not a great behavior, but it's just something that's part of the dating world, which is all the more reason for us to talk about it, help you identify it, and help you learn how to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

So let's talk about why it is that guys do this or people do it in general, but we'll stick with guys because both men and women certainly do this, but guys do it because they can, right? I mean, they have options, they're getting out there. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but a lot of women will tolerate this behavior. A lot of women, like the moment you give them a little bit of attention, they come right back into your arms. And I know for a fact, like I can think of a number of guys back in my 20s who when they were dating with breadcrumb because they are ultimately looking for something else for whatever reason, but they still want that ongoing validation from women. So it's like the moment they feel a woman slipping away, they'll text her, maybe they'll sleep with her, they'll get their the their sexual needs met. They might even have her over for dinner and she'll cook him dinner because oh my god, now he's like really getting serious, and then he'll pull away again and it's awful. Like it's it's a really terrible behavior. But ultimately, like these guys get away with this because certain women fall for this trap. And I'm not saying this is like a blame on women, just to be clear. This is just all we can do is control the only person we can control is yourself. Like, you can't control men, you can't control these guys, these certain percentage of guys who do it, 50%. So, what what other option do we have other than just to not tolerate that behavior?

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Yeah, and I mean that's exactly right. It's like it's going on because guys are human and humans get away with what they can. We do it in every facet of our life, right? We drive as fast as we can until we get caught. You you cheat on your tax. Like, people do all kinds of things, right? Just because they can get away with it, right? Well, you drive really fast.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Terrified of being in your car. I just like, oh my God. Says the guy with a motorcycle. I have an old man motorcycle and I drive like 65 in uh yeah, I drive very slow, but beyond the point.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Sorry. All side. Um, you know, guys are doing it because they want to keep their options open. Other women in their life have let them get away with it, and so they're gonna keep getting away with it. And so that's not your problem, right? Like your job is to just not fall for it. And so sometimes guys are doing this intentionally, sometimes they're they're breadcrumbing because they're bored, because they're lonely. Some of them are doing it because frankly, they're married, right? They're on these apps, they're married, they're they're making connections, like something starts to get going a little bit, then they get scared and then they back off, right? You you just don't know.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Um, and you know, speaking of I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but like just speaking personally, I think of certain times in my 20s when I would probably have considered myself to be breadcrumbing someone. I you know, we have very selective memories going back in that time, so it's hard for me to remember. But I have a sense that there were there was a certain time in my life, probably I was like 27, 28, where I was just not open to a relationship. But we as humans still have needs, like we still have emotional needs, we still have sexual needs. And what you'll do, like what guys will do, and women will do the same, is when you're in this phase where you're like, relationships are off the table, got too much going on, I want to be single. You'll still find yourself like talking to people and engaging with them, maybe even going on dates, maybe even sleeping with people. But then, like the moment it gets too close, you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now I gotta push back a little bit. And I think that that's a that's also a big part of it. It's not necessarily always this like crazy manipulative thing that a guy's just trying to get what he needs. It's just like, and by the way, at that time in my life, I remember one thing I was always very clear about is that that was my status. I am not open to a relationship. You know, it doesn't absolve me. I'm sure I did not handle it well. If I could go back in time and slap that guy across the head, I would, but I can't, so I could all I can do is share my experiences with you. But I think that that plays a decent part of it, and in many ways, that should set you free, the women who are listening to this, if a guy is doing that, because it's like, yeah, he does like you, but he's not going to date you. Yeah, he's not gonna be in a relationship with you, and that's final. That's it. You would know it if he did.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

He likes you, just not enough for the kind of relationship that you're looking for, right? And I think I think your point is really important that not every guy's doing this for emotionally manipulative reasons. I mean, one of the basic reasons that people will do this, bread crumbing, is they just don't know how to end things. And because people are have a hard time like just saying, hey, this isn't working out, I'm moving on. And so they just kind of slow, they try to do that slow fade thing, and it it ends up being bread crumbing. Um, and so, you know, here's here all those different reasons. None of them are good in the sense of setting you up for a long-term fulfilling committed relationship, and I think that's a really important piece. And so, you know, we said why guys are getting away with this because it works and other women have fallen for this. And so, one of the other questions I think that comes up with this is like, why would this work? Right, and I just had a client last week in in one of our masterminds say, she said, This is a terrible feeling, so why do I want him? Like again, people people wouldn't do it if it didn't work. And so, why does it work?

SPEAKER_01 20:11

And it works, but basically sick psychology. What is going on in our sick heads, Gary?

SPEAKER_00 20:16

It's intermittent reinforcement, right? That sounds sexy, right? Oh, yeah. It's we've talked about this once before, but it's this idea, it's like the slot machine feedback kind of thing. It's like when it's bread crumbing, you don't know what you're gonna get from them, and so you go days without anything, and so then when you do get some kind of message, or even better, like some kind of like me more meaningful, seeming interaction, it's like amazing, like this is awesome, and then it goes away, and you're like, Where did it go? Where'd it go? And then you're just kind of like dying to get that back, and it keeps people hooked. If you ever been to like any casino, you just see people, you know, pulling the it's it's addictive.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Gary, I was at a casino at a recent conference, and I have a deep dark confession. Okay. I started playing slots. That's not the even the confession, that's just really fun. Um, but I went to the bathroom at the conference, and on the walk to the bathroom, I saw a slot machine, and I played slots for at like 12 30 p.m. Like just a like middle of the day. Okay, and like Alison who works at Love Strategies, I told her later, she's like, What is wrong with you?

unknown 21:26

I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

It's that intermittent, what is it?

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Intermittent what intermittent reinforcement.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Yeah, but you know what? I won so much, I like one a lot. For those of you who are against gambling, I I'm not a big gambler, but like it's really fun sometimes. So I'm not ashamed of that. The the winning, the winning part is fun, it's just you know well, and I think that's the thing is to get and this is we can't speak on gambling addiction, but I think in general, when you are drawn to things and you find yourself chasing something that you know is not good for you, the first step is to just Notice how you feel when you're chasing that thing and when you're not getting the thing. Like, if you really notice when you lose the money at the end of the night, if you don't just like rationalize it and like, oh, you know what, that's fine, that's just like gambling. I paid for entertainment. If you're like, no, I just lost $400, like $400 I could have donated to Africa and saved like a child's life. If you really look at that and be real with yourself, suddenly you won't do that behavior. Same thing with like chasing a guy who's not giving you much. Like if you really notice that feeling when you're sitting there on a Friday night, he said you got plans, but you haven't heard from him, and this has happened three times over again, and you look in the mirror and think, how does this really feel and make me feel? And is this the type of person that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life? Heck no. Like, notice that feeling. Don't rationalize it away. When you rationalize it away, suddenly it makes it okay. So you got to just look it straight in the eyes, like just straight in the face, what is really going on here? And once you do, you'll stop chasing that dopamine because the dopamine ain't worth it. It's just not worth it. Well, yeah, like a win, win in his thought machine, fine. Every once in a while, that's fine. But like going out with this guy every three weeks, having a night with him, maybe sleeping with him, is that really worth it?

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Really? Probably not. Well, and the thing is, it's like every every person that gambles and it you always hear about the wins, but like you know what goes into every win? A lot of losses, too, right? And it's that's it's the same thing in dating. And so I I think the other psychological principle that factors in here, other than this intermittent reinforcement, is this idea of gain loss theory. Gain loss theory is this idea where winning somebody over is particularly appealing. So if someone starts off not really liking you or being a little cold, and you can somehow just kind of like work through it and like win them over and really bring them over to liking you, it's that much more exciting. And so there's some of that that's going on too, which is he's being he's making himself scarce, he's made he's being a little aloof, he's being a little distant. And so it's like, huh, okay, game on. I can get this guy, I can, I can bring, I can draw him out, I can be the one to crack the code. And if I do, how amazing is that? And like there is a certain appeal to that, but it's it's not a game worth playing.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

No, no, I mean, teenagers play that game. I played that game in my 20s, like it was fun, like in some ways like competitive. Oh, she doesn't like me. Oh, I'm gonna change that narrative. I am going to change that narrative. You have no idea. I'm gonna work as hard as I can, and then you waste 90% of your energy on the 10% of people who don't like you. What a waste of human life.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

And it's needy, it's it's it's very needy in in a in a grand sense. It's like, why do you need everybody to like you? Or like why did like why? Like just yeah, where's that come from?

unknown 24:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Is it you just don't really like yourself?

SPEAKER_00 24:52

Yeah, I think it's you know, you're you're looking to fill something that you're lacking and you're you're doing it, you're looking externally for attention when it's you know you're not getting it from within a lot of times. And so it's like an it's an anxiety attachment kind of thing, too.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

I think yeah. All right, so what are the signs that you're being breadcrumbed? We can go through these pretty quickly, I think. So we can get to seven ways to know if he really likes you.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

All right. So being breadcrumbed, how do you know if this is actually happening to you? So sporadic and unpredictable communication. It's just a weird texting pattern. He's not texting you every day. It's just it's sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. Days go by with no clear reason why.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Yeah. And the second one is that he's just keeping those interactions incredibly superficial, very surface level, not trying to look at what's under the hood. He doesn't really want to get to know you on a deeper level. It just, you know, talks about your day and work. And you want to come back to my place? Cool, great.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

Yeah, then the next one is he'll make plans, which sounds really promising, but then they're constantly following through. Last minute something happens, you know, some some friend needs something, some cousin needs something, attire goes out, even there's there's always an excuse. Um, and that that's a bad sign.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

Yeah. Another one is just the constant sending of mixed signals in that he'll say that he likes you a lot, he'll give you the words, but other times he shows himself as being completely disinterested and emotionally just unavailable. I mean, it's very ultimate, hot and cold. And you're like, Am I crazy? Didn't he just tell me that I'm the most special person in the world to him? And now he's nowhere to be found. Like, what's going on here?

SPEAKER_00 26:29

Yeah, and when he's doing that, it's like you're asking him emotional questions, but he's swerving them. He's like he's avoiding answering those questions, constantly turns around and starts asking you questions when you ask him questions, which is a is a tough one because it seems like, wow, he's really interested in me, but careful, sometimes their guys are doing that to just avoid them answering anything. Um, I think another one is being flirty with no follow-through, like really flirty on text, like you're a door, like all this really great stuff, but like never actually pushing that forward to turn you know things to the future.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Another very important one, going back to Adam in his 20s, is that the future, any discussion of anything in the future is like out of the cards. He is not trying to meet your kids in the next month. He's not trying to plan a vacation two months from now. No way. It's just not discussed, and certainly any discussion of marriage, family, where to live, anything like that would ever come out of his lips. Right. It just wouldn't happen.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

And so the last one, and this this last one's tricky because it sounds so reasonable, is that I'm just super busy, right? So it's the guy who's super busy at work, he's going through a busy period of his life, he's going through all this stuff, and so I just can't make the relationship a priority. I can't really follow through on a lot of stuff because I have a lot of other things going on. Now, on one hand, that does sound very reasonable, but here's here's the other side of it is he knew about this, right? Like he knew his life was gonna be busy, he knew this his work was gonna be busy, his work's probably always busy, and so it's not really a valid excuse. And so, you know, we'll say this later too, but behavior reveals priorities, and it's just basically him saying he's not willing to make you a priority.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

I don't care if he's a billionaire. Everyone has a night a week that they can spend with a person that they care about. Like if you don't look, if he's saying he's busy because he's not responding to your text within two hours, I agree with him. He's busy. That's cool. But if it's like, oh, you know, the past three weeks have been just crazy, has so much going on, you know, barring, like I said, major life events, death in the family, he just got laid off, you name it, barring like major catastrophic events, no one is just that busy. They're just that it's the easiest excuse you can give to another person to not actually follow through. It just yeah, if you ever just want to be flick a flaky person, just be like, oh my god, like work has been so busy lately.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

Well, and it works because everybody's busy, and you know, you're successful. Like, if you're listening to this podcast, you're a successful woman. Like, so you know how busy you are. So when someone else says they're busy, you're like, Oh my like the empathy kicks in, you're like, Oh my gosh, I get it, I know how that is, and so it's a really tricky one. And so, like, like Adam just said, I think the only time it's acceptable, big major things, or it's got to be something unexpected. Okay, because otherwise it's like it's just that it's a failure to plan.

unknown 29:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

And if it's a failure to plan, it's a failure to prioritize, and and that's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

I want to tell you just a quick side note. I've been reaching out to some contacts in my network because I'm doing a secret interview series with some men to get the inside scoop. And I reached out to one guy that I know pretty well, I've known for a couple of years, and I was like, hey man, will you do like an interview with me? Because I want to just dive deep into your mind about dating and love and all this stuff. And he responded to me in a way that was so honest that was just amazing, and I really appreciate it. He goes, I would love to, but if I do that, I will not honor the promise I made to myself, which is to not accept any meetings with people. And I'm like, wow, thank you for the honesty. It was like so honest. I'm like, he wasn't like, hey man, I'm busy right now, like maybe we'll do it another time. He was just like, I made a promise to myself that I will not take any meetings that are whatever it was. And I was like, I I have nothing to say that set me free. I'm not gonna keep chasing you. That's it. Uh, it was just like this dose of honesty that I've I've honestly never gotten that response when I'm asking someone for a favor before. I really enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

That's a good one. You should you got you're just gonna have to reach back out to him in like February when that New Year's resolution of his has fallen by the wayside.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

He is extremely successful, so I he's not the type to just do a New Year's resolution, he's uh many, many decamillionaire, uh super fick dude. He's he's a real deal. So I have a feeling he's sticking with whatever this resolution is, and that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

I know what you know what it is, what he's doing, boundaries, and that you know, we we probably don't talk about boundaries nearly enough, and that's a whole other podcast, but that's essentially what he's doing, which is smart, good for him. He kindly told me to F off.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

And I was like, that's amazing because you're a friend. Like, I'm gonna see you again soon. Like, that's it's not like we don't like each other. He's just like, I'm not making time for this anything else except what I'm doing right now. Cool, respect it, respect, brother. I'm gonna I'm gonna use that line from now on. That's my new thing. Sorry, Gary. No podcast, no podcast, man. I will not I made a promise to myself. No, I'm just kidding. I always got time for you, brother. Always got time. We got to talk about breadcrumbing, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

Like, that's what's where we gotta be here for this.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Am I breadcrumbing you right now?

SPEAKER_00 31:41

I'm doing a little push. Like, let's let's let's land this plane. All right, let's land this plane. Let's let's let's end this, let's get to the end of this. So we know like we have all these signs that you're being breadcrumbed, right? And so we want to obviously we want to avoid it. Um, and so we're gonna get into some specific things, but here are some general principles because I think it's really important to just have general mindset and just general mental models to use. And so the first principle to save yourself from a breadcrumbing guy is number one, the the most important one easily is don't forget you're amazing and you're high value, you're super, you're com, you don't settle for crumbs. That's not what you deserve. You're not gonna settle for this, you deserve better. Don't lower your standards, increase your patience, move on.

SPEAKER_01 32:29

Yeah, and I think just to avoid any type of like self-helpy, you're great stuff. I just want to add to not saying that you were doing that, Gary, but like a lot of people will say you're great and all that stuff. But really, I think the big thing to take away from this is just because he's bread crumbing you doesn't mean that you are low value. I'm kind of like switching that a little bit. Yeah, just because he's not into you, it doesn't, it's not a reflection on you. So then if you swap that, it's like you're the prize, you're amazing, be amazing. Um, the second principle that we've been saying for over 10 years now is never invest more in a man than he's investing in you. Never invest more, especially in the dating process. If you're in little love step uh one through five, it's not yet an exclusive committed relationship. He better be making more investment in you than you're making into him. Otherwise, it ain't happening.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Not happening. So the third principle and something we alluded to before is behavior reveals priorities. So Adam talks about this in terms of, you know, look at the video, don't listen to the audio. But it's like, what is he actually doing? And so I would take that even one step further to say is like take a little perspective. If you were engaging in the behaviors he's engaging in, what would that mean about how you feel? And so you start thinking, like, if I didn't text the guy, except for sporadically, if I made plans that didn't follow through, what would that say about how I felt about that guy? Well, it's actually becomes really simple then. It becomes really obvious, which is like, I just don't like him that much. And it's like, oh, and it's like that flipping a perspective, like, what would be going on in my heart and in my head that would make me behave like this? And all of a sudden it unlocks the whole thing. It's like, oh. I love that. I love that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

And if that's happening with a guy, it might not even be because he's not a great person, it might have nothing to do with him. You're just like, eh, spark's not there, or maybe you're like, nah, I don't see a future because of this one thing, you know. Maybe there's a religious barrier, but maybe you're Christian, he's uh Jewish, whatever it could be a million different things. It's just like, yeah, not everybody's a match, not everyone's a match, and so I love that. I love that. So does he really like you? There are seven ways to know. Number one consistent communication. He is going to predictably want to be in your life, whether that is setting plans, whether that's texting or calling you. It's relatively predictable. And when we say predictable, we use that word because some guys might text more than others. Like for me personally, I'm not a huge texter. Even when I really liked a woman, I'd still like maybe once a day. So, but it would be predictable. And certainly, like until we were an exclusive relationship, it'd be kind of the same pattern trying to see that person, wanting to be around that person. If it's not, if it's inconsistent, and when we say inconsistent, it's like a week off, two weeks off, suddenly he just disappears and he comes back. No, no, no, no, no. Not acceptable.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

So one of the things that you're gonna see with all these good signs, they're also qualities that you want in a long-term relationship, right? And so the second one is he follows through and he does what he says. Again, we want somebody who's predictable, we want somebody who's stable in a long-term relationship. And so if a guy's really into you, he's going to follow through and do what he says.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Yeah. Next one is that you're just clearly a priority in his life. Like he puts his where we spend our time is where what is what we make a priority. That's at the end of the day, when someone says that they are busy, that just says to me, you're not a priority. And that is okay. But that is the translation. It's like that guy, my friend, it's like, hey man, will you take time to do this thing for me? And he basically said, Adam, you're not a priority. And that is okay, you know, like, and it's like if you can just end it with that's okay. Yep, suddenly it just sets you free rather than being like, Well, why isn't he making me a priority? I'm not gonna be like, why isn't that dude making me a priority? I'm like, I'm just not a priority, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:40

Okay, fundamentally it doesn't matter, right? It doesn't matter why.

unknown 36:45

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

I can't wait to send him this podcast and then that meeting. So the fourth way to know that this guy's really into you is he makes an effort. So he comes to you, he's setting up the plans, he's taking an initiative. Um, because that's not something every guy's gonna do, but that's something again, you want a long-term partner, and so it shows clear relationship intent. He's into you.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Yeah. The next one is just emotional vulnerability. He's not afraid to share those parts of himself that might not quite be perfect. He will share things about how he's actually feeling at times. Like guys are not going to be as emotionally open book likely as you are, but they'll try. And it's the opposite would be that he feels like an emotional robot. Like you feel like there's just this massive barrier and nothing is happening there. And you can't even tell if he likes you when you're around him. That would be the opposite of emotional vulnerability.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Right. So the sixth one is he makes sacrifices for you. And so some examples of that is like he's willing to meet with you after a long hard day at work, right? He's willing to stay up late with you, even though he's got to get up early the next day. And so it's really a matter of like it's sacrifices, but it's also just not only a relationship that's at his convenience. Like, if it's, you know, some guys are like, oh, if it's optimally convenient, I'll do it. But if if it puts me out in any way, I just can't be bothered. Like a guy that's really into you is gonna like go that extra mile, so to speak, and do things that aren't convenient for him that are a little bit tiresome, like tiresome, costly to him in some ways. And so that shows that he's really into you.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Yeah, I agree. And then the final one is that it's not just a physical connection, he actually wants to get to know you, like as a friend. You know, if you're finding that every date you go on is just grabbing drinks at 9 p.m. at a bar right near his apartment, and you know where that's ending, not a great sign. But if you find that he wants to spend time with you during the day, he really asks you questions about your life, he genuinely feels like like the connection feels almost as if it was like how it would feel with a friend, like a good friend. You're just getting along and he really cares about you and he's respectful towards you. That's a great, great time because ultimately every relationship just is a friendship.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

Yeah, and so you know, all these things are designed to help you find the guys that are really into you, avoid the breadcrumbing guys. And I think you know, something I came up with that sums this whole thing up is settling for crumbs doesn't keep you fed, it keeps you starving. And that's that's important.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yeah, I agree with that. So hopefully, for anyone listening to this podcast right now who's going through this right now, I just want you to be able to rise up in this situation and realize that it's not serving you to have all of these different guys in your life who are just giving you little pieces. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. And until you start actually valuing your time, your emotional energy, it's not until you start valuing it that other that guys will value it as well. And by settling for this type of crap from guys, suddenly you are just telling yourself that you don't care. Like you don't care about your own time, you don't care about your own emotional energy. So now's the time. Start caring about it. If a guy's just giving you little pieces, nah, not happening. It's crazy. Once you do this, like it just sets you free. No longer is your love life complicated all the time. No longer are you dealing with all these guys that are just, oh my god, men are the worst. You can just be like, some men are the worst, but I don't deal with that. And guess what? I've suddenly attracted some amazing guys who are really stepping up to the plate because that is all that I will allow to enter my life. It's just amazing how it happens.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Yeah, it comes down to you just you have to create the space for the good stuff to find you. And it happens with lots of areas of life, and the same is true with dating, right? You if you're settling for crumbs, you're gonna get satisfied with crumbs. But if you stop accepting those crumbs, all of a sudden the better stuff's gonna help, is gonna find you. Love it.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Thanks, Gary. Appreciate it, man. That was great. All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far, it's time to take some action. So, what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com. It's gonna walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action, go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you. Loveapply.com and uh yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye bye.