SPEAKER_00 0:00

He's got that incredible profession. He's really charming. He's all that stuff. And you are just all in right off the bat. And so by nature, you're going to be giving a lot when he still hasn't made those investments. And as humans, we value through psychology. I love your thoughts on the psych psychological effect of this. We value what it is that we work for. And when we're constantly giving this unearned affection to someone who, again, hasn't put in that time and energy into us, that is going to naturally repel a lot of those high value guys. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Alright, Gary, today we're going to be talking about the seven biggest turnoffs for men. Let me ask you a very important question. Have you, when you were growing up as a little boy, did you think that when you were an older man, your profession would be talking about turnoffs? No. Did you I definitely thought I was I was going to be more of a police officer?

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Maybe a professional baseball player, but not male turnoffs. No, that was not in my uh future.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

No, definitely not for me either. I was thinking more like professional snowboarder. That was always my goal. Um, sadly, I was, or maybe luckily, I was not good enough. So I got to talk about this wonderful topic today. But I I think it's a really important topic for so many women because I think there's so many misconceptions out there when it comes to this particular topic. And I think that one of the biggest things that I've seen over the years that is that when women think about turnoffs for men, they immediately go into the physical attributes. What are things about them that turn off men? And it's usually very like tactical, like makeup or what do I wear, or am I gaining weight and things like that. Have you noticed that? I feel like that's like immediately where people's minds go.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, people make the mistake of thinking like every guy in the world is completely superficial and only focused on physical things. And uh, I mean, don't get me wrong, that a lot of guys are focused on those things. And I think everyone, to be fair, is focused on those things initially. But, you know, for most of the people that are dating, they're not dating to date for the rest of their life. They're they're dating for a long-term relationship. And so, you know, once you start shifting from that dating phase into the forever phase, you really have to start looking at some more meaningful things. And that's where I think women don't always actually make that transition.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Yeah, I I totally agree. And I think that's really where I want to focus this conversation today is about those turnoffs on an emotional level when we're dating. Um, and I thought I would tell this very brief story of this woman, this poor woman. I've talked about her a few times over the past year. Uh, I went out with her probably about 10 years ago. I met her at a I was actually being auctioned off at a dating event. It was like a really weird thing. It's just like a side note. I don't know why I was there. It was like uh I was being auctioned off and up with a bunch of other men, and I met her. She didn't, she didn't, she didn't bid for me. Okay. But I met her there and she was like one of the most beautiful women I'd ever met. Like I was just blown away. I was really excited to go out with her. And I remember when I we were flirting and I ended up getting her phone number, and we did go on a subsequent date a few days later. And legitimately, everything we're gonna be talking about today, she fell into the trap. And I'm telling you, by the end of that date, I could not have been more turned off by this woman and never saw her again. It was just like it was one of those moments that really kind of rings true. This whole story about like turnoffs and it being much more of an emotional turnoff than a physical turnoff, because I'm telling you, and then and then I remember after that I went out with some women who would not be traditionally like my type physically, but I was way more attracted to them, way more turned on by them. I don't know. Have you ever had experiences like that back when you were dating?

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Yeah, I mean, I it it's really funny that you bring this up because I actually did my my first published study ever was on this basic phenomenon, which was I always had this experience where it's like I would I had women kind of like I was not, I never auctioned myself off, right? But it was like you should try I would have you'd meet these these girls who were like super beautiful, but then you'd start talking to them. And it's like, I don't know, for me, like if you're not smart, meet your turn off. And like, oh my god, like totally like materialistic and like all like I can't, like I just can't. And so it's those type of people just aren't attractive to me. It doesn't matter like how you look. Um, but then you know, exactly the opposite experience like like you described, which is you know, women that are they're not like drop dead gorgeous beauties or anything like that, but it's like they're cool, like they're fun to hang out with, like they're down to earth, they're fun, like that is a lot more attractive. And so I actually published a study where it's shows exactly that effect where it's you know, I called it personality goes a long way. And so, you know, people who are attractive, if you subsequently find out that they have a bunch of like flaws in their personality, they actually become physically less attractive. Um, but it goes the other way too. And so, you know, if you're not as physically attractive, um, you don't have to get pus plastic surgery, you don't have to go to the gym seven days a week. Just, you know, the greatest thing about that study is just says, you know what you got to do, just be a better person.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

And uh you're gonna be more physically attractive to people, which which is nice. Yeah, absolutely. And I I so today I really want to be focusing on our our energy on turnoffs. What are typical turnoffs when you're going out with a high value man who is open to a relationship? Because if we're talking about going out with a guy who's just looking for short term short-term flings and just, you know, wants to take you home that night and have his way with you and then never talk to you again, those are going to be different types of turnoffs than with a man who's high value, he's got his shit together. He's the type of man who would be very open to something long-term with you if things work out and things click. And um, and that's really where I think we should be focusing our energy because those are the types of men that we want to uh.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

And let's be honest, like in those short-term situations, like the the list of turnoffs in those short-term bring you home kind of thing, uh, it's it's like maybe one or two things. Like it's not a long list.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

Yeah, it's kind of like ordering the the the hamburger at dinner um when you should order a salad. Like, you know, if a guy's gonna be turned off by that, and by the way, you know, if you want to get the burger, get the burger, but you know, try to stay classy, I think, overall. But like, look, if that's gonna be the deal breaker, God help us. He's obviously not gonna be the one for you working this. So a few of the turnoffs that I I thought were worth discussing, and I have a number of them, and we'll see how many we can get through. But I really racked my brain about what are the topics that we we discussed in Love Accelerator and what we do. So the first one, I would say, and this is a big one, is just trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to control the process, always talking about the future, where things are going. And then it's kind of like a bucket of things, right, that fall under this idea. Um, leading with masculine energy, trying to push things forward. This might be texting him constantly, this might be trying to make plans all the time. And just generally speaking, when you meet a really good guy that you like, trying to control the process rather than taking a step back and being like, look, this could work out, this couldn't work out either way, I'm going to be fine.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

So now, Adam, you just used that term masculine energy. Now, for people that aren't familiar with that, what is that exactly? What ex what exactly does that look like in a woman when she's displaying masculine energy?

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yeah, so both men and women have both masculine and feminine energy. It's actually kind of detached relatively from gender. But if you are a woman who's attracted to a masculine man, a man who is more take charge, who likes to lead, who uh is the type of guy who is going to pursue you and be the pursuer, then feminine energy is kind of what when we talk, we talk a lot about feminine masculine polarity in the little love steps. Um, feminine energy is taking a step back and allowing him to come to you, allowing him to lead and not trying to control the process, but that rather receiving his energy when he does take that initiative. So a perfect example of stepping into masculine might be let's say a guy decides he wants to take you out on a first date and you're really excited about it, but he decides that he thinks it could be fun that you go to a billiards hall and play pool together. But you're not that type of girl who likes to go play pool pool, all right? You like to wear skirts and go out dancing and you want to do your own thing. Trying to control the uncontrollable or trying or stepping to your masculine would be saying, Hey man, I don't want to do that. I'm not interested in any of that type of stuff. Instead, I actually booked us tickets to this dance thing, let's go there instead. Okay. You've literally just chopped off you his you know what, and the masculine men out there are just going to be repelled by that type of energy. And so this is where we, you know, uh and I think there's a huge misconception when it comes to these things because a lot of, especially high-powered females that we work with, certainly with our work, they think that feminine energy is actually weak energy. Like by leaning to your feminine, oh, that means I gotta let the man make all the decisions, so on so forth. No, go to the billiard hall, go play pool, let him lead the night, and you sit back and you decide every single step of the way whether or not he's a good fit for you. Yeah, gather information. Yeah, who's the more powerful person in that moment? You are the chooser, not the chaser. And we're constantly saying that. So I think that's a really, really important concept. I think a lot of women, uh, and men, by the way. I by the way, if I was coaching men, I'd be talking a lot about masculinity for men. So it's not like there, there's uh, you know, this is a gender thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

So yeah, that's a go going in these like, you know, um pet peeves and things like that. It's like, you know, that masculine feminine energy, it's just you know, being aware of power dynamics. And you know, you can't don't want to be in charge at all times. And so there's a time for your partner to be in charge, it's a time for you to be in charge, and just kind of understanding kind of the waxing and the waning of the power dynamics is gonna be really important. Um, because you don't want to overstep, and like you said, you know, if you're looking for that masculine kind of guy, like you want to make sure you're you're balancing it out at the right moments. Um, there's gonna be times when you're gonna take a lead and he's gonna sit back, right? It's just you know, early on, you know, gather more, gather as much information as possible for sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Yeah. It makes dating more fun, it builds more attraction. The more you're able to step into your femininity and the more he's able to step into his masculinity, the more attraction is built. And we all know that long-term relationships and marriages, yeah, they start with attraction, but then it moves to more of a partnership. So it's not like you're gonna be in this kind of like feminine role at all times throughout the rest of your life together. It's more so in the earlier stages when you're kind of building this connection and through that bonding phase of meeting someone where we want to be super intentional about this. But this is, I mean, there's a whole podcast in itself. There's actually a whole course in itself that we teach. So um, I want to make sure we we get to everything, but that's definitely the biggest thing that I find with a lot of high-powered females is they're always just trying to control everything rather than going to with a mindset of, you know what, I'm gonna relinquish control. I'm just gonna go out there, I'm just gonna go on dates, see where things go, let these guys make their move, and uh I'm gonna decide who's right for me. And I think that's a very, very powerful mindset that, by the way, is very, very attractive. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast? Really help us out a lot and it really does spread the love. And uh, I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

One of the other things that comes in with that control and just kind of like that masculine energy sometimes that fits in right here is I I think a lot of the high-powered women too, also they're successful because that they have a plan. Like they're very organized. They have everything, they have every part of their life planned out, everything's kind of smooth machine, everything's running on time. Um, and they try to approach the relationship that way too. And sometimes that's, you know, in terms of talking about the future too fast or trying to plan out like every phase of the relationship right here, while we're in phase one, like let's try to plan out the whole course of everything right now. Um, and it's even coming down to like trying to control those initial meetings and making some of those first meetings more like a job interview, where it's like, you know, I got this checklist, pal, and it's like you're gonna have to check every box, and it's like, I'm just gonna rapid fire question, question, question, and then just okay, no, no, no, go on, right? I'm gonna check your references and then we're gonna go. That's where I think some of that controlling stuff comes into.

SPEAKER_00 13:28

Yep. Here's the number one sign for all those ladies listening to this right now. Here's the number one sign you're doing this. If you're constantly saying that I don't want to waste time when I'm dating, I always hear this from from a lot of women. I get it. You don't want to waste time, so you want to just jump to it. You want to go on a first date and make sure you're totally aligned from you know from now until the next 40 years of your life, because you don't want to waste time. But really, what you're saying is I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to get burned, and I want to just kind of jump ahead of this whole situation so that I don't put myself in a vulnerable situation. But the reality is if you're jumping ahead like that, you're just once again, you're breaking that fun, exciting moment, and you're breaking the attraction. And really, those first couple dates, you want to be building that attraction, you want to be creating that mystery. So I think that's really, really important. And the women that do this well, excuse me, the women who do this well, this is the difference maker. This is where physical appearance really is not the breaking factor here. It's not the the decision making because I know a lot of women who are not, again, traditionally like you know, fall over crazy attractive to the opposite sex, who can implement this concept and the rest of the concepts and be extremely successful with men. And you know plenty of women who are the models that's who are constantly trying to control everything and they are wondering why after the fifth date guys aren't there anymore. So it's a really, really important concept and it's really really helpful. And by the way, if any men are listening, sorry, I don't know what's in my throat. Excuse me. For the men out there as well, for like the 1% of men who are listening to this, same concept works for you guys as well. So really, really important um to think about the second thing that I want to discuss with you is that it is a huge turnoff for men, and most people will call this neediness, but I don't love that word and I don't use it very often. So instead, and I think that there's actually a nuance here, instead, I call it unearned affection. And this is when you give affection to a person or a man who hasn't yet earned it, he hasn't yet invested his time, energy, resources into you and to trying to win you over. It's like when you go on a date with a guy and you know, on paper, he's amazing, right? He's got that incredible profession, he's really charming, all that stuff, and you are just all in right off the bat. And so by nature, you're gonna be giving a lot when he still hasn't made those investments. And as humans, we value through psychology. I love your thoughts on the psych psychological effect of this, we value what it is that we work for. And when we're constantly giving this unearned affection to someone who, again, hasn't put in that time and energy into us, that is going to naturally repel a lot of those high value guys.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Yeah, I mean, I think you want to make somebody work for it, right? And and you know, you shouldn't, you're if you're coming from this perspective that you're confident and you're high value, you should approach that as like, you've got to do something to really impress me for me to get to that level with you. And I think a lot of times that unearned affection, it comes out of a place of insecurity where it's like, please, please, please like me. I hope, oh gosh, why? I hope you like and it's like that's the wrong mindset. It's like, of course he's going to like me. Like, don't be impressed by the fact that some guy likes you. Of course, guys are gonna like you. He's not gonna be the only one either. And so when you approach it from that mindset, you know, you you're it's not that you're playing a game, it's not like you're like playing Artogat or any of that kind of stuff. It's just like this like level of like confidence and like you've got to earn my affection. I'm not dying to impress you. You know, it's it's exactly how you would coach somebody to go into a job interview for a job they really want. Like, don't you don't go to a job interview desperately, please, please, please like me. And they're they're gonna like you're you're never getting that job, right? And so it's this, it's kind of the same principle here with dating.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, I mean, look, we don't play hard to get, we just are hard to get. Like there's a bit of difference between playing hard to get and being hard to get. And if we can create a lifestyle and a life where someone is going to have to really overcome a lot in order to win your heart because you have options, because you have an incredible life already, and you're gonna really protect that life and not just let any dude come in that took you out on a good first date, that's where suddenly men are going to need to start earning your affection. And of course, the more he invests in you, the more he shows up, the more that he falls through on his word and takes you out and continues to spend time with you and shows his affection to you, of course, we're gonna open our heart to him. It's just when you go on that that third date and suddenly you're starting to think about that wedding with him and then that white picket fence and those three kiddos together. That's where just naturally you're going to give him a lot of this unearned affection. And sometimes when it comes to like slowing things down and pacing things, you gotta kind of give yourself that gut check and be like, wait a second, I don't even know this dude yet. Who is this guy? Like, just hold on a second, hold on. Like, I'm creating stories in my own head about this person. Let's take a step back. I don't really know him yet. Let's give him an opportunity to let him show up for me, and then you go from there. And um, when you do this correctly, suddenly men will step in back to this masculine thing, they will step into their masculine and they will want to earn your affection, which in turn is a turn on.

unknown 19:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Well, it also gives me a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

It makes perfect sense. Because it also gives this implicit signal that says like that she's not like other women, right? Like, you know, like guys have been around, they've been around a lot of other women, and they know like it's a typical girl move to just be like, oh my gosh, please, please, please, right? And it's like, no, the other women also have to realize going back to this thing about not being impressed, like every guy's got a handful of good dates in him, right? And so those first three, like you're getting the best of the best material. Like you're getting the the pre prime stuff, right? And so, like, you can't be that impressed with that. Like, you gotta haste, like you just said, you know, so much of what we've been saying today is about, you know, slow it down, don't get ahead of yourself, right? Don't try to control it, don't like start making stories in your head. And because not only is it counterproductive for you, but those things actually are are turnoffs for men as well. Yeah, so true.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Now, the next turnoff almost sounds like a counterpoint to what we just said. So I'd like to dive deep into this, which is showing a lack of interest or engagement. All right. And a lot of people might say that, well, Adam, you just totally had to give them unheard of action. Well, there's a balance here. At the same time, there's some women out there who will take this to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is when they go out at night, they'll have that RBF, that resting bitch face. They will go on a date and appear uninterested, maybe even be uninterested. They might be texting on their phone, they might be just showing up 30 minutes late and just like, you know, they don't have time for this. Like, oh is this guy? And so there really is a balance here. And I think the big thing is when you show up and you're with the guy, give him your full attention and really like invest, show that you are listening when you're having a conversation, bring your best energy, smile, or when I say smock, which is smiling while talking, give all that energy. You can do all of that while not giving him unearned affection, right? And so we still want to be going on dates and bringing our best energy and really bringing our best self while at the same time just keeping a level head.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yeah, I mean, you don't want to, no one wants to be with the person who we kind of are giving off that vibe of like, I'm too good for you. And if you are constantly on your phone or just kind of like wandering, you know, like this and not at really engaged in the conversation, you're acting standoffish. And we're social creatures. We don't like that in other people. It doesn't matter if it's a person we're dating or anybody else, we don't like that standoff kind of behavior. It it's it's kind of weird to us. And so, you know, remember like this is your time. It's not a job interview, but it is a time to collect information. And so you might as well lean into the conversation, ask good questions, and stick around for the answer. Like actually be fully present in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah. Yeah. Amen to that. All right. The next one I want to get your thoughts on this, uh, because. I know you have obviously so much background in relationship science, everything, but like one of the next really big turnoff is what I call perceived promiscuity. Now, it's not new advice or information to say that men are not attracted to or unattracted to women who are promiscuous. And I think there's a lot of really interesting science and data and that shows that, as well as there's a lot of really interesting evolutionary psychology as to why that might be the case. But this is actually, I should take this a step further, which is perceived promiscuity. If he has the perception that you're the type of woman who's going out and sleeping with lots of guys and being with lots of guys, then this can actually be a big turnoff. Now, here's the big kicker with all of this is that we actually coach women to date multiple guys at the same time as part of little love steps. So now you're probably thinking, oh my God, Adam, how am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to do this? Well, the reality is that when we're going out and dating and talking to multiple guys, until we're in that exclusive relationship, yeah, you're still single. Continue going on dates, continue meeting new men. Just I would not recommend sleeping with multiple men and engaging in that because you can get yourself in quite a pickle with the relationships that you have, as well as it can be very emotionally confusing. So I'd be curious on your thoughts on this idea of perceived promiscuity. And I recognize that it's a couple of guys talking about this towards women. It's a tricky topic, but I want to bring it up.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

I I think, you know, one of the things to remember is that from a guy's perspective, like you're you're dating somebody and you find out that they're dating lots of other people, that immediately sends a signal that that woman is high value. Like a lot of other people are interested in her, right? So it it shows a certain level of quality. Now, like you said, you know, no one wants to be with somebody who they perceive as being physically intimate with lots of people at the same time. Um, and so I it's that's important also for women to remember from the from the turnoff side about like why you shouldn't be physically intimate with guys too soon, because every guy should rightfully think like, well, if you're doing this with me, you're probably doing this with everybody. And so, you know, I think the kind of the line that, you know, you're trying to get people to walk is you're so high value, you have lots of options. But you're also so high value that you're not putting yourself fully out there physically with all of these options, you're waiting for the right person to come by. And so perceived promiscuity is always bad when it's directed towards other people. But you know, when a guy thinks that, you know, you're not promiscuous and you you're you're very reserved in that area, but you're you are physically interested in him, that's the magic combination.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Yeah. Yeah. If if there's a perception that you're social, you're meeting lots of people, you're high value, you have men pursuing you. However, you're not the type of girl who sleeps around, who's who's the type of girl who's just like engaging with all his sexual partners. And at the same time, you're interested in that with him. Oh my god, now that really raises her back. Now he's special. Yeah, he's special. I'm amazing. Yeah. Yeah, there's uh there's a number of different books on this topic when it comes to just I talked about evolutionary psychology where, and I don't know how much research you've done on this or reading, but they talk about how before we were able to have DNA tests and know who's the father of a child, there was like, think about it, for 99.9999% of human history, if a woman was pregnant, there was no guarantee that it was actually your child. And so there's a theory that men do not want to get sexually involved with a woman and certainly procreate with a woman who is perceived to be promiscuous because there's always this looming concern in the back of their mind that, ooh, I might be raising the child of some other dude who's like 6'5 and has a six-pack abs. And there's a lot of interesting research that shows as well that when a woman's even ovulating, she might cheat on her male partner with a guy who is super high value just during that time, and then get have that child raised by by uh by her by the nice guy. Yeah, by the nice guy, yeah, exactly. So have you done much much research in that area? I have not.

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Yeah, I don't really dabble in the evolutionary psych side of things, but that was a pretty good summary of some of the research that's out there. It's exactly you know what you just described.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

Yeah, yeah. Nowadays, 23 me man, can't get away with that. Can't can't get away with it. That's right. You can test me. Test me. Yeah. Exactly. But you know what? Our our monkey brains have not caught up to technology, so that is that's uh, you know, a big a big concern for sure. So let's see, where are we? Um the other turn off that I came up with three minutes before this, but I kind of liked it, it's a little catchy. I call it the double O effect. Oh, uh maybe double O. I need to make this a little bit catchier, like 0007 or something, but double O, which is obvious and ordinary. So one of the first things that we do when we start working with clients is we start developing what we call their unique, concise identity. And we want to get really clear about what makes you very unique, what makes you exciting. And by the way, everyone, I don't care if you're you consider yourself to be the most boring human being on the planet, there's something about you that makes you special, and there's something about you that can that you can bring to a first date or to a relationship that is very unique. And starting to define that identity and leaning into that identity is incredibly powerful when you're actually getting out there and dating. So a turnoff would be going on a date and just being everything you say is completely obvious, and you show up and you're just totally ordinary, you know. And the reality is online dating is just a sea of sameness. There's just like thousands of profiles that people are looking at, looking at constantly. And I think as humans, we're constantly just trying to find something that's unique in all these different profiles. So, what can set you apart is just having that kind of identity. I don't know. I'm curious on your thoughts on that. I mean, we don't want somebody who's basic, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:21

We, you know, we don't want the the vanilla ice cream, you know, plain person, plain James. Like we want somebody that has a little something to them, right? Because that's interesting. Like we like interesting things with like mysterious things. Um, and I think one of the mistakes people make in this area is, you know, everyone has their quirks, everyone has like the weird kinds of things they do that are like, yeah, this is kind of like not mainstream. And people make the mistake of hiding those things when they're dating when they should really do the opposite is lean into those things. Because if you have this like weird thing and like you're into like a certain kind of anime or you're into some kind of gaming or you're into certain kind of food, put it out there because other people are into that stuff too. And then when they see that you are like, oh my gosh, I found my unicorn, like you are the ones, like it then becomes really, really special. And even if it's not a perfect match, it's like, oh, this person brings something interesting to the table. Like they they're like me in a lot of ways, but they're dislike me. And so it's actually an opportunity to grow and learn new things, which people generally really like too. And that's like one of the best parts of meeting new people and relationships is that opportunity to grow. And so all that new stuff that you think you think is like kind of weird, put it out there.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Like attract the kind of people that are into you. Own it, own it. And even if guys not into anime, which I don't know anything about anime, so forgive me here. Let's just say it's something kind of weird like that. Let's say it's I'm sorry, it's not weird. I don't know. Sorry for those anime people who are listening to like the five people. But um, even if he's not into it, it's at least going to separate you from the crowd. And so we know from the science and the data that humans are incredibly judgmental creatures. And with anywhere from three seconds to three minutes, we are deciding whether or not we like someone. And we typically just make continue with that decision for the length of knowing that human being. So if within the first few minutes we can display that identity in a subtle way and talk about those things to an extent in a humble way, once again, it kind of sets you apart. And it's like, oh, interesting. She's not just like an accountant who goes and watches Netflix every night and you know eats Ben and Jerry's or whatever, whatever it is. She's into anime. It's really interesting. I was actually something that's stuck into my head as I was thinking about this is like I remember when I was single, I was really into motorcycles at the time. I still have a motorcycle, but I was like really into it at the time. And I probably talked about it too much, like douche factor, but I would be in women's phone as motorcycle boy. Like, I think I'm I'm still in multiple phones out there. It's just like Adam motorcycle guy.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

Did you show up to dates with like your motorcycle helmet under your arm?

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Like, hey, are you kidding me? Of course. A first date picking up on the motorcycle. Oh man, oh man, that was see.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

I think the thing is like, you know, not to make this entire thing about anime, but it's like I think anime because basically I know nothing about it. But if I was dating somebody and they said they're in anime, I would personally look at that as like, that's something I know nothing about. Oh my gosh, I will have a thousand questions. That's guaranteed to be a good conversation because it's something they like, they're gonna like to talk about it. I like to learn new things, so that's a win-win. And that's the other thing for women to just kind of think about with the guy is like don't it doesn't have to be like he should be curious. Him being curious about you is a really important trait. So if it's something that's new and different, it's a chance for you to see how curious he actually is about you. That's a huge sign for like long-term success for relationships. Like, is he curious? Is he flexible? Is he optimistic? Like those are big qualities. And so, you know, you can you can get a handle on the curiosity factor real early if you are into something he's not.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

Yeah, so true. And I think with with all that said, bringing back this anime thing, like I always a lot of people will say when you ask someone like what do you like to do for fun? or when you're you know, a classic question, a lot of people will say, like, oh, I I like to travel, let's say. And traveling's great, but like who doesn't like to travel? And then if someone says, Oh, where have you traveled recently? And they're like, Oh, I went on a cruise, you know, out out of Miami, like, okay, we're back in this obvious and ordinary, and not nothing against cruises. I'm actually going on a cruise in Miami person. So I'm not against that. But what I am saying is like, if you are going to talk about yourself and display your identity, then make it something that is is different. So I just want to kind of like lay that point home because I just find like how many profiles? I mean, we probably we review our clients' online dating profiles as part of Love Accelerator, and we've probably reviewed over a thousand profiles that have to actually look at it. But the number of people who say they like to travel is I would venture to be like 75%. It's like like who doesn't like to travel? So if you do like to travel and that is your unique identity, you better be like backpacking in Colombia or something like crazy like that. All right.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

Yeah, lean into your your your own uniqueness. Like, don't be afraid to be you because ultimately you want the person on the other side to like you for who you are, and so like embrace it.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Oh yep, absolutely. All right, I'm gonna leave it to a couple more that I think are uh really important to mention. Um, and this one probably should have been earlier on, and that is just having a negative attitude towards love. Um, and this finesse is many, many things, such as complaining about your exes, saying that you know you haven't really dated much because the the dating scene is terrible. Uh, how many people have gone on first dates or first meetups from an online date? And the first thing they say is like, oh, online dating is just the worst. Like, oh, there's so many profiles. Before you know you're complaining about it for 10 minutes about how bad online dating is. Just this overall overarching negative attitude when it comes to love and dating. Although you may be frustrated with your love life, if we're radiating that through our pores, it is going to stink on a date. He's going to immediately, especially the guy who has a positive attitude towards love, which is what we want, that's going to be a massive turnoff, just right off the bat. I can just think of like a number of times where that's happened. You just go on this date and you're just like, you're getting this energy where you're just like, oh my God, this woman has been burned so many times. And she's just looking for every reason why I'm going to burn her in the future. This actually has a there's an actual psychological term for this, right?

SPEAKER_01 34:47

It's called emotional contagion. And so if you're being negative, it just encourages the it's catchy, right? It's like the other, oh, we're being negative here. Okay, I got a negative story. And then there's also this thing where it's like, I'm negative, then I'm gonna be a little bit more negative, then I'm gonna be more like, and it you're just escalating in the complete wrong direction, right? Right. But it's it is fair though. It's like we don't like complainers, right? So that you don't want negative energy just for that reason. And particularly if you're complaining about men in general, guess what? The person on the other side, he's part of that group. And it it's it's not lost on him that he's part of that group. You start complaining about past relationships, you're thinking, oh, that's not gonna affect him. He's thinking, like, what's she gonna say about me? Some like what's going on? Like, why and and you know, remember, like you should know this, and he also knows like you're the common denominator in all your relationships. So if you have this long string of of woe is me tales about relationships, whoa, like that's that's not so that's not something you want to invest in. Like that's a that's a risky bet. And so like you have to take some perspective. Perspective taking is is a magic skill when it comes to relationships, and like you got to hear what you sound like from his perspective.

SPEAKER_00 35:53

Yeah, yeah. And this could be hard. And I, you know, I I don't love the term fake it till you make it, although I I do believe in it in some senses. I think with this one, if you do have a negative attitude towards love on the first couple dates, fake it till you make it and be super intentional about just bringing your best energy. And even if dating has really burned you, it's one of the most enlightening times of your life. It's the most like just reposition it. I don't want you to lie, but like reposition it, reframe it. And you're just at the stage where you're just so excited to be meeting new people and you're so excited to be here with him, and you're at this new stage and this new time in your life where, oh my God, the opportunities are just endless, right? And and so it, yeah, I wouldn't say opportunities are endless despite, but you get my gists on this one, just bringing that type of energy, even if you're not necessarily feeling it in your core. And the cool thing is once you start saying things like that that are bringing a positive attitude, positive energy, once you start saying those words, you're actually gonna start tricking your brain a little bit into believing it.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

Yes. I I love that you said I don't like the fake it till you make it part, because you don't have to fake it. And that's the thing is like, I don't care what your relationship past is, and it the it's impossible that it was 100% terror. It's impossible. Like that there were some good things, and it's like you get a choice here, you get to choose on which part you focus on. So you can dwell in the negative and dwell in the misery and just kind of keep and it just be in this bad cycle, or put all the negative stuff to the side, focus on the good parts, lean into those parts, and use that to catapult you into the next relationship because you don't want to be bringing the baggage from the past one with you. It's not fair to the next person, and it's not fair to yourself. Like, you know, give your give your new relationship a chance. And it's like don't start off on this bad. Like you end up in a long-term relationship, you'll eventually get to like you know the old war stories and things like that. But it's like that, give that time. Like, don't be that don't let that be the first impression people have of you.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Yeah, so true. All right, I'm gonna leave this at seven turnoffs because we all know the number seven is great for headlines. So here's the final turnoff that I think is worth discussing, which is just, and this encompasses a lot of different things, again, which is just playing games. And I think there's a very clear difference, at least in my mind, I'd be curious on your thoughts on this. But there's a clear difference in my mind between playing games and having a strategy. And to me, playing games is doing things in order to get a reaction from him, whereas having a strategy is like kind of knowing where you're going and how to navigate your entire love life. But I'd be curious on your, maybe I'm not articulating this correctly, but I'd be curious on your thoughts, you know, now that you're fully part of love strategies and everything we do here, how you might differentiate those two.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

I I I think it's, you know, strategies are about being educated. Strategy is about being intentional and having a plan.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

Gains are inauthentic, they're calculated. It's just, it's insincere, right? You're you're it's like when you know you're picking a fight with somebody just to see how they'll react, to see if they show you more attention or you're pouting and the, you know, little just to see like what's wrong? Like, like that kind of stuff is just no, like if you have a problem, say, you know, I I'd like to talk about something. I I feel like a little neglected, and I'll I'm not sure why I feel like that. Is there and have a conversation, like be an adult about it. And that's where I think the playing games thing is is very different. It's you know, some people like, oh, you have to really for try to make him jealous to see what he does. It's like, no, no, like adults, I'm sorry, adults don't do that. People in long-term happy, fulfilling relationships, they don't do that stuff, right? And so schemes, tricks, all that kind of stuff. I mean, throw all that out. Like, if you want a strategy and you know, you're gonna strategize and learn about relationships, which is what we advocate for, is just learn as much as you can about what goes into a good relationship, build your skills in that area. That's a strategy. That's a strategy to set yourself up for success. And it's something people do in almost every area of their life, but relationships, oddly enough. And so, you know, it's really the time for people to you know embrace that, you know, let let's be a little bit more mindful and intentional about how we do this.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

Amen to that. Well, that was really fun, Gary. Anything else you want to add to to this conversation? I think that was that's everything for me.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

Yeah, just one, just kind of one last thought. Is like, you know, we we've put this whole thing around like the seven things women can do to turn off men. And so I don't want people listening to this to think like, oh my God, no one's ever gonna like me. There's all these things I didn't realize I might be doing. I might like I'm gonna have all these problems, I'm gonna step on the, I'm gonna say the wrong thing. He's gonna hate me. No one's perfect. No, we're not saying you have to be perfect. We're just saying like there are certain and you're still, even with knowing about some of these things, we all make mistakes. Like Adam and I are both relationship people. Like, I'm sure our wives would both let you know that we make mistakes in our relationships. Like, so it's not about being perfect, it's just being more informed, a little bit more strategic about like maybe some of the things you thought were a good idea to do really aren't such a good idea. Um, and remember, you're not perfect, neither's your partner. And so no one's expecting perfection. All we're expecting is progress.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

Yeah, exactly. And with any of these things, like you probably learned a lot about men throughout this period and throughout this even podcast right now, and and as you've been dating, it's just a every step forward is just a part of the process. Trust me, I have definitely, as I'm sure you have, Gary, turned off women for a number of different reasons. Frankly, everything in this list I have personally done. But the difference I think between people who don't ultimately find success in this area of their life or work on their love life are those who there are two people. One is they just want to blame men and oh, all men are the worst. Or the other are like, oh, I'm gonna learn from that. Maybe I'll approach this differently next time. And then you just slowly but surely start to kind of grow uh and and as a person throughout this process. I call it it's like kind of a personal exponential growth curve. Like if you just keep growing a little bit every date you go on, every interaction you have, every relationship you have, suddenly in a year, oh my God, it's gonna be like an exponential growth curve. And so many people want like that one thing with that one little tactic I can use. That's the game playing. We don't do that stuff. We focus on strategy. And once you start really doing this, this all everything we're talking about actually becomes innate in what you do. So yeah, I think that's a really good point, Gary. And I appreciate that point.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

Yeah, and it's just you know, remember, every successful person has failed. The only thing that is that they didn't let it like take them completely out of the game, right? And so, like you you just you learn, you either find love or you learn, right? And that's what we say that all the time. And so, you know, it's about learning and getting better every time.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

Yeah. Amen to that. Thanks, Gary. Sure. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head on over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and uh speak to you next week.