SPEAKER_00 0:00

The best way to be authentic about this, I think, is to try to make yourself just as missable as possible. Right? Like be a good partner. Be a good partner. Right? Be the partner who, when your partner sees you, they have fun with you, you're kind, you're considerate, you're respectful, you do nice things for them, you make their life easier. Don't be the nagging pain downer that, like, every time your partner sees you, like, oh god, what's it gonna be now? Like, uh, like, don't be that person.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, this week we are going to be using one of the clickbaitiest of the clickbait headlines, which is how to make a man miss you. And the reason why I say it's clickbaity is because I know for a fact anytime we talk about this topic, women want to hear a lot about it. Because it's probably a pretty big problem, right? You're like starting to date someone, you like them, and you want them to just invest more in the relationship than they are already. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 1:29

So that's what I was gonna ask you, right? Like, so I know we we talked about this at a time about like, hey, we're gonna be talking about like how to make a man miss you. Yeah. You said that women love this topic. Why do you think they love it so much? Well, this is a problem, like do guys just not miss women?

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Well, the real question is why isn't he investing in me a lot of times? And how do I make him invest more? And one thing that we talk a lot about in Love Accelerator in the earliest stages of dating is the power of creating scarcity. And I think a lot of women in particular, when they are first starting to date a guy, it's like they'll be dating and they'll be meeting all these guys who are like really into them, and then finally they meet this guy who just I don't know, there's something about him, he's charming, he's interesting, maybe he's playing hot and cold, and they're really into him, but he's not into them. So they're like, Well, how do I get him to miss me? How do I get him to like me? And so we talk a lot about this idea of creating scarcity uh in the earliest stages of dating, because ultimately what is scarce that creates desire, right? Distance creates desire. So um that's that's probably why a lot of these women are interested, because they have this guy that they really want to just invest more in the connection.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Yeah, I mean, you think like there's something too though, the guy he's playing hot and cold, and so he's actually creating the same dynamic in the women, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Yes, like definitely. So back when I used to be like back when I used to coach men, uh, we used to teach a lot of these same principles. Like it really doesn't change that much from gender to gender, especially when it comes to creating scarcity in the early stages of dating. So, yeah, absolutely. The guy might be doing the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Yeah, it it's weird. You know, it's to the extent you're doing it intentionally, right? It's it's game playing in relationships, right? Which isn't necessarily always the best idea if you're being super intentional about it, right? Because I as I as I say to people all the time when I'm talking about relationship stuff, it's like play stupid games, win stupid prizes, right? And it's like you don't necessarily want to base your relationship off of games, right? But you know, a lot of this, you know, hot and cold dynamic is just natural. Early on, you can be all in or you can be ambivalent and not really sure. And so there's parts you like and there's parts you don't like, and that that's actually one of the things that makes relationships so hard. Um, so that hot and cold aspect could happen quite naturally.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

It it can. And I think the nuance here, I agree with you to an extent that obviously game playing is is not good when we're playing, when we're creating intentional tricks or we're manipulating a person into thinking one thing when the reality is different. That's obviously not good. But I think we can be intentional about things like scarcity and doing it in a way that is authentic rather than actually trying to trick someone into thinking you are cooler or you are uh, you know, have all these amazing things going on in your life. And uh I think there are ways to do it authentically. Um, and that is a lot of what we teach with the little love steps is how can you actually be a high value person that is actually a missable person rather than trying to play some weird trick uh to get a person to miss you.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

And I'm so glad to hear you say that, right? Because I think that's really important. Like it don't be artificial about it, right? Because this idea of like, let's just take the hot and cold idea, right? Sometimes you're into them and sometimes you're not, or sometimes you want to spend time with them and sometimes you don't. You actually have other things to do. Um, this will create this increased desire. It's that scarcity thing, but it's also something we call in psychology, it's this principle of like intermittent reinforcement, right? Where it's like you don't get rewarded every single time, and it actually makes you want to do that thing more. It's exactly how slot machines work. Yeah. Right? It's like, and they know from like old, old like psychology research, like if if rat if rats get a treat every time they press the bar, they don't press it as much because they know it's always gonna be there, right? And so what they what gets those rats to press that bar more and more is if I press it this time, I get a treat, but then I press it like 10 more times, I get nothing. Then I I don't know when I'm getting the pellet, right? And so they keep coming back. And so, you know, I I think obviously it works, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:45

You're referring to me at the casino this past weekend in Detroit, Michigan, when I lost all of my money. Like literally, I lost everything, and I it was so quick. And of course, I keep trying to up my I was in the slot machines. I know logically I'm not gonna make a single nickel if I keep doing it, but I kept doing it and it was fun and I kept chasing the reward, and sometimes it gave me that little dopamine hit, but it it uh it led to uh me walking away sad and very, very frustrated with myself. Um, but it's true. I mean, there's a lot of interesting science when it comes to dopamine, and this dopamine is is obviously stored in the brain, and then it come gets kind of pumped up when it sees that reward coming. And the thing is, when that reward is delayed and coming, then it can actually like it can make that desire even stronger for that very thing. It's kind of like if you were cooking dessert at home, and rather than it be like a five-minute dessert that you make, imagine it takes you like two hours to make it, and it's really in depth. It's good, and as you're making it more and more, like this reward is being delayed and it's kind of building up. And I think that the same kind of thing happens with dating. And I think there's a way of being intentional about that that can say up for success.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Yeah, I mean, and there's there's actually another principle too that from psychology that applies here as well, is like we like the things that we have to work for, right? And so if it takes a little, you know, waiting is work, right? Particularly if if it's like you said, that dopamine hit that we really want on the other side, waiting is like miserable. And it's like if I'm gonna put all this time in waiting for this thing, I'm gonna re I'm gonna like it even more at the end, right? And so, you know, that that's gonna that's gonna help as well. And I think, you know, going back to something you said earlier, you don't want to be artificial. And part of it's just, you know, the best way to be authentic about this, I think, is to try to make yourself just as missable as possible. Right? Like be a good partner. Healthier, be a good partner, right? Be that partner who when your partner sees you, they have fun with you, you're kind, you're considerate, you're respectful, you do nice things for them, you make their life easier. Don't be the nagging pain downer that like every time your partner sees you, like, oh god, what's it gonna be now? Like, uh like don't be that person, right? Totally. You should be like, no one wants to be with the pouty partner, no one wants to be with the miserable partner, no one wants to be with like this other person. Like, it's just we don't want that kind of pessimistic, stressed out, moody kind of person to be with at all.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Yeah, totally. That's so funny because that was like the literally the first point on this is be a missable person, have a life that is missable, right? That someone would want to be a part of. If every time he goes on a date with you, you're like, oh my god, today was just the worst day. And then I also have this issue with my friend, and then you're just complaining about everything in your life, it's gonna get to a point where he just doesn't want to be a part of that life. Whereas if you can bring some of that great energy, it's not to say you can't be negative at certain times. Obviously, we all have things going on in our life that are imperfect, but certainly when you are first start to date someone um and and further along, you need to be a person that obviously someone else would just want to be around. And so a lot of this just starts with your own personal development, figure out what is it about you that can make you more missable and more desirable, and keep working on that, and that's really important, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

And to go back to some of that, like I said, intermittent reinforcement. It's like basic learning principles, like be a partner that provides a lot of rewards, right? If you're a rewarding partner who's fun to be around, like that's gonna be somebody that we want to miss, right? And and I think you know, missing, I I I think you know, the the thing that women are getting right about this is the the making the man miss you question is they they re they realize that missing is a positive thing, right? And that's something that isn't always entirely clear to to people all the time that missing, you know, they think, oh, I missing is a terrible experience. Well, I mean, in part it is, right? And actually, I I I've done some of my own research with with two friends of mine. We've we've actually published papers on the this idea of missing in relationships. And you know, what we found was that you know, when people experience missing in their relationship, it that they feel this disconnect, they feel and they feel sad.

unknown 10:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

So there's obviously this negative component. But the other thing that goes on too is that it creates this sense of longing, like of yearning for your partner, of this like, I need, like, I need more of this, which encourages them to think about their partner more and encourage them to do more positive things for their relationship. So we were like super clever when we called the paper like missing maintains us, right? Because that sense of missing, right? Little you got that clickbaity title. I like it. That's like academia clickbaity. That is as clickbaity as we get in academia, missing maintains us, but then you always gotta put a colon, then you gotta put something nerdy after it. And it was like the prototype analysis of the the missing concept in relations, it was something like that.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Mine would just be like three sneaky, powerful ways to make him deeply miss you and desire you. I don't know. You can do that on YouTube.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

That and that's you know, that's the difference of the the two worlds, right? Yeah, exactly. Um, but so you know, we actually found in that thing like missing is a really positive sign in relationships because you're not gonna miss a partner you don't like, you're not gonna miss a partner you don't care about, you're not gonna miss a relationship partner for a relationship you don't value all that much. So it's it's a real positive sign. Um and when you know when people experience missing, what we learned is how do they fix it? Like how do they kind of solve and they scratch that itch, right? Is like how do they solve this problem? And so they did things like, I'm gonna be nicer to my partner, I'm gonna talk to my partner more, I'm gonna tell my partner and show my partner how much I care about them. And like, guess what? Those are all fantastic things that we all should be doing in our relationship, like all the time. And so, you know, missing is is is can be a negative experience in in some ways, but it's absolutely like really positive and and can contribute some really nice things to our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

I agree, I agree. And when it comes to relationships in particular, I found that especially our clients, once they get to what we call little love step number six, when they're in a new relationship and they're just kind of establishing the vibe between the two of them. I found that the these relationships go into what I call the cool down period. It's like it moves on from this hot and heavy total romance desire, the honeymoon period, into suddenly like the guy starts focusing on work again. And the guy starts maybe doing other things, maybe spending time friend with friends over the weekend. And a woman, women and men will do this as well. So I don't want to make this gender, but like I only work with women, so the my clients will think that there's something wrong going on here. I'm I'm saying actually, in fact, this is a good thing. He's getting comfortable with the relationship, and this is totally natural with new relationships. And frankly, this is a good time to create a little bit of that space for yourself so you have things to talk about. It's almost like COVID was like the exact opposite of creating scarcity, like we're all stuck inside. No one missed like when it came to romantic partners if you lived with your partner, and it probably killed a lot of desire for a lot of couples out there, I would imagine.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Yeah, I think what happens too is you know, as you know, you're you're saying that cooldown period, right? Yeah, and women need to take a little bit of a cue there from from you know, they're saying other men are doing this. It's like, you know, I think you say in the little love steps too, it's like women's gotta like learn to like act like a man every once in a while. And this is one of those ways. It's like you see what's happening, like how you're feeling, because he's starting to like do his own things. Yeah, guess what you should do? Do some of your own things, right? And so, like that, you know, like lean into me for a better we, right? Like, you gotta lean into yourself and say some of your own things, and that's gonna make your bond together stronger.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

Um, loving your catchphrases today. You like that? Yeah, that's that needs to be on like a fortune cookie, like a relationship fortune cookie.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Well, and you know, so I'm all right. So now that I got you all put enough, now you're embarrassed. No, I'm not embarrassed. Uh I'm gonna I'm gonna cool you down because what you call the cooldown period, here comes the nerdy part. Researchers would call that hedonic adaptation. Yeah, right? Where I mean it's just an easy, you know, complicated complicated way to say something easy, which is uh we just get used to things. So as much as you get a ton of positivity early on in your relationship, it doesn't matter how positive we get accustomed to everything, right? It could be a 10 out of 10 posity, but like weeks of that, all of a sudden it's like that becomes the new normal, and 10 out of 10 is not gonna do it anymore. And so unless your relationship is the one in a million that is just this constant unending stream of increasingly positive events, you're gonna have this like pullback, you're gonna have that cool down period. Um, and it's just it's natural, right? And I think you know, I I see and understand why people would get a little freaked out about that because things have been going so well, right? And now this is a change, and you know, change we kind of don't like change. Um, but this is it's natural. I mean, it it's it's actually it's frankly completely unavoidable. Right. It's just gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

It's just gonna happen. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast? Really help us out a lot and it really does spread the love. And uh, I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah, they they call it, I believe, the hedonic treadmill. If you keep trying to up your basically, I don't know if it's just dopamine hit, but up your ability to get more and more from something. It's like the more money you get, you then get to a point where you're like, okay, now half a million dollars a year, that's normal. And now I want a million dollars. But once I get that million, oh my God, will my life finally be better? Then you get to the million, you're like, okay, well, what if I got to two million? And like some people do this in relationships. And I think a lot of the self-help out there, the self-help advice, it kind of reinforces this idea to always be seeking more, to be always going deeper. And I'm I'm guilty of that myself. I I'm that type of person. I kind of have to sometimes take a step back. Just helps me do that and be like, hey, it's cool. Like, it's cool to just be in this kind of like homeostasis in a way for a period of time.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yeah, I mean, like the early part of the relationship, it's like constantly doing this, right? It's constantly going up, but then at some point, like it's it's gonna pull back a little bit and then it's gonna go up and it's it's gonna be more cyclical than it is a continual like uptick. Um, and it's it's something that we've talked about in a previous podcast is this idea of like what gets you together isn't the same thing that keeps you together. And this is like one of those key areas where that's absolutely true because what gets you together in a relationship, what makes you want to keep dating somebody is this like constant increasing positivity. That increasing positivity is not gonna keep you together because it's it's unsustainable, it's just never gonna happen. Um and so there's actually some really like you wouldn't think that this has anything to do necessarily with relationships, but there's actually research on massages. And so people universally kind of like mass, right? Yep, right? Keep quiets to yourself. But so like massage is really good, and so like you think like I'm gonna go for massage, it's you know, let's say it's an hour, and so you would think, like, what's gonna be the most pleasurable way to enjoy that massage? It's like I'm gonna go and I'm gonna give my full 60 minutes because 60 minutes of massage is better than 50 minutes, right? But what they actually found was that you know they had a couple different research conditions, and there was one condition where people basically did 20 minutes, then they took a break. I think it was like 10, 15 minutes. It was it was enough to kind of like really like kind of a cool down, we might say. Um and then they went back to the massage and started again and filled finished out their hours. So they actually got fewer minutes of hands, massage, oil, whatever else goes on, right? So they got fewer minutes of that, but they actually ended up liking it better. And so as much as we see these cooldown periods, you know, as potentially red flags, it's helpful, right? It gives you a chance to kind of reset, it gives you a chance to jump off of that hedonic treadmill, it gives you a chance to step out of that adaptation, and it's like in that massage, you kind of like you get used to it, right? It starts it feels really good at first, but then you get used to it, right? So you pause, you jump back in, and all of a sudden you get that restart all over again, and that's also helpful for for uh our relationships.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Interesting. I I think that especially nowadays, too, taking to this analogy here, like because we have these phones, people think that like people the way that they date, especially. I mean, you're our relationship guy, but I I work with people when it comes to dating. Some people, when they meet someone, they'll meet them on an app, and then they will talk every single night. Before you know it, they're getting good morning, midday, and good evening texts. They haven't even met the guy yet. By the time they go on a first date, the guy knows everything about her from age four to 45 because they've just been in constant communication and there's just no excitement. And then from that point forward, what do they do? They go on the first date, and then they're like, Oh, this is so great. He's like, you know what? I got this thing tomorrow night. You should come. She's like, Yeah, sounds good. Before you know it, two weeks go in, bam, he's nowhere to be found. And it just blows up. And it's good to have a little bit of that massage, okay, metaphorically, here. Let's not go all out and then give it a break and then go in again. And I think creating a little bit of that space, a little bit of that that pacing, that's what we call pacing in my program, is is extremely helpful. And uh, it just builds desire and it's a more fun way to date, honestly, at the end of the day. It's just a better way to date and build a connection.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

So um well, you know, and it it again goes back to this dating is not the same as as long-term relationship success. Like they're separate things. It's like dating's like a sprint, and a long-term relationship, it's like a marathon, right? And it's a long, it's a long race. And so you don't get through a long race by constantly sprinting. Like you've gotta pace yourself, like you've gotta, and sometimes you're gonna sprint, maybe, and then other times you're gonna like there's there's gotta be this give and take, and it's not all out at all times. And so it's one of those things in relationships, like a little distance is gonna go a long way. And so I I what I hope women take out of this is make it authentic by just being a missable partner, but also do enough of your own things so you have enough of your own life, of your own activities. You need a life outside of the relationship, right? And your partner gets to have a life outside of the relationship too. That's actually gonna be like those little mini breaks, right? So that you're actually gonna have more material to bring into the relationship, more novelty, and that novelty, like you want to keep passion going, you want to keep satisfaction going, novelty is hugely important. You spend every waking moment together at all times, it becomes a little like insular, right? And so you want to avoid that. Do you does your wife work from home or no? She does not. No, she works, she's uh works in a school.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

I see, yeah, right, right, of course. Um, so I definitely found like COVID, especially just like I feel like that time I kind of mentioned it briefly, intertwined with something else I was mentioning, but I can't it's like that's that was probably the exact opposite for couples who live together. It's the exact opposite of what we're talking about. Because you couldn't leave your house, you couldn't really even socialize with other people. And I, for one, know many relationships that were extremely, extremely under stress just because they had nothing else going. You couldn't miss your Partner. It was impossible to miss your partner when you were in that situation. You couldn't talk about other people you've been socializing with. You couldn't do activities. Oh my God, they shut down our beaches here, so I could even go kite surfing. I go crazy when I can't do that. Like, and I think that is the extreme on the other hand when you're when you're not missing a person.

unknown 22:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

And so, you know, it's it's one of those other lessons to take from that experience is you know, you gotta find variety, you gotta find novelty, you gotta, you know, find a little scarcity because it if if you and your partner around each other at all times, that works easily and wonderfully early on. It's unsustainable long term. And so, you know, people have to learn, you know, just getting a partner is only part of the the battle, right? I mean, it's it's like maybe 10 or 20 percent of it. Like you got it, like the long game, that's what you're really in it for. Like, you gotta learn how to like switch up your strategies, pivot to something different, and just realize that there's these other dynamics at play. And so some of it's making your your man miss you, and some of it's just you know, kind of what's naturally gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Yeah, I agree. Okay, cool. I have going into this, I think that was really interesting. Thank you for all your research. God, you're so much smarter than me. What are you doing talking to me all this time? I love it, I love it. Backing up everything we say, I'm like, yeah, we call it the cooldown period. Like we call it the hedonic. Oh, I forget. What was the second part of the hedonic? Hedonic adaptation. Adaptation. I was talking about the hedonic treadmill, but that's great too. Um, all right, so I'm gonna hit you with some stuff uh that I brought to this for trying to make a guy miss you. And I want to you feel free to stop me or we'll just keep going through some of these. So I have have a life that's missable. Number one, we we definitely killed that uh we we've we've beat that dead horse, I guess. Um, stop trying to make him miss you. This is a big one. And when you're trying really hard to make someone miss you, by nature, you're not doing any of the things that we're talking about right now. And like in the sense, like you're all you're trying to think about is how to make him miss you instead of actually going out there and living your own life.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Yeah, and that's like and I think that's you know kind of what I was hitting at earlier about like don't make this a game, like don't play this as a game and don't be like so like strategic about like how am I gonna do it and like do I and don't do any of that stuff, like just kind of be authentic and just let the natural course of things kind of play out. Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

Um another one is stop trying to chase his love and affection. It's likely if you are constantly trying your hardest to make him miss you, and every video you're watching on YouTube is how to make him miss you. Likely or possibly, he's just not that into you. And that's a tough pill to swallow, but it's something that you might have to take a look at. And we've we've talked about that in other podcasts as well, is whether or not a guy's into you. But it's possible that if you're constantly spending your time trying to pull him back in and you are the chaser, it might be time to start looking in other directions, say that magical four-letter word, which is NYX, and move on to the next.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Well, and and guys and partners in general, we don't like needy partners, right? We don't want somebody that's so needy. And if you're constantly chasing and all that stuff, you're not showing yourself to be high value, right? And so that's something you have to have to deal with. Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

We value what we work for, absolutely. Um, another one, which is more tactical, but is not game playing at all, in my opinion, which is being intentional about your phone time. Like this device right here, once this came out, we suddenly felt like we have the right to text anyone or call anyone at any given time, and we have the right to their time. And what I've certainly worked on in my life with phones, I'm not a big phone guy, anyways, is just keep my phone on do not disturb, trying to not check it very often, honestly. And that just by nature makes me more scarce to a lot of people. Actually, people find it annoying. Like that if they try to call me, I don't pick up, I don't text very often because I just try to stay away from my phone. I think if you can be intentional, intentional about phone time, by nature, by very nature, when it comes to 21st century dating, you're gonna be missed.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

And you know, it's it's a big part of I'm the same exact way, which I'm thrilled to hear that you're also not a I'm not either. Um, but it's about having boundaries. And some of the boundaries in that context to me is about having respect for your own interests and and needs, right? It's like I put my phone on do not disturb all the time when I'm working on something else. It gets on do not disturb right now because I whatever you're doing in your life, you should you owe it to that thing to be fully present in that moment, right? And so that's when you're not with your partner, and that's also when you're with your partner, right? And so it's like put the phone away and put on do not disturb when you're together, and when you're not together, it's the same thing. So you're not constantly like, did he text? Did he text? Is he doing this? Like, what's going on? Like, no, no, no. Have a life separate from your partner. That's okay, right? That's healthy. And so part of it is I'm glad to hear you say it, is like establishing boundaries with your phone as well.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

Yeah. And like when you text each other, when you do respond and you do text, it should almost be a treat for him. Like, I want him to be thinking to himself, she hasn't responded yet, and be excited when he gets that response. And I want you to be delaying that texting, not because you're like following some rule that says, Oh, I must wait 5.5 hours to do this, but instead doing that because you have such an awesome freaking life that you don't have time for any of that stuff. That is what really makes someone very missable, and I think a lot of people get that confused. Like I remember when I was single and dating, uh, when I was speaking, I was traveling around the country and speaking, traveling all around these colleges, I was constantly on the road. I sometimes wouldn't respond to someone for a day that I was texting. And I was an awful, awful texter, but I noticed that it kind of built from desire, right? Because I'm like, hey, I'm just traveling a lot, I have a lot going on, and I could just tell that actually built more of that pull. And um, again, it wasn't intentional, but I don't know. It just it's a good way to live your life ultimately. And I gotta say, one thing on this. I don't know if you have this uh setting on your phone. I have it set in case there's an emergency that if people call me twice and they're my favorites, then it gets through. And now everyone just calls me twice if they need me, which is so annoying. Jess doesn't do it, she which I appreciate. But other people have figured out that hack, so now I'm like removing people like my brother from my contacts list. Like take him off your list. You don't they don't make the cut anymore? No, because I'll be like writing, and then he'll call me twice. I'm like, dude, what's up? Like, is everything okay with our parents? He'll be like, yeah, everything's fine. Just wanted to talk. You got that stupid do not disturb thing on. I'm like, you're killing me. So, anyways. Um, another one, social media. Um, God, we could probably talk an entire episode about social media, but when you're journaling your entire life through social media, if your Instagram story literally shows you from 7 a.m. all the way till 7 p.m. with every single bite of food that you're eating and everything that you're doing, I don't know. Does that make you very missable or desirable? I think that also creates the same effect that you are available and open to people. I don't know. What are your thoughts on social media?

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Yeah, I mean, I think I think anything where you're you know constantly like diagramming and just keeping track of everything you're doing, it it it I don't know. I don't think it shows that high value thing that people think it does. Yeah. Like I think in some ways we weirdly people mix it up and think like, oh, if I, you know, kind of document all this stuff all along the way, like everyone's gonna think I'm closed. It's like, no, no, I think what happens most of the time is people think, like, don't you have anything better to do? Yeah, get a life, man. Right. And and so it's like, don't you have anything better to do? I mean, that's part of being that missable kind of person. It's like, like, yeah, go find use that time and energy to go find something better to do. Um, and that's ultimately gonna help more.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

And just so we don't sound like a bunch of old farts, like, I'm not against a good Instagram post every once in a while when you're with your friends and you're out, and it that can be high value. But I think that there's something about the frequency of it. And just be intentional about how insane, first off, I can't even get into the negative effects of too much social media use, anyways. That's a side note. But if you're just be intentional about how often you're posting, if you're the type of person who's just spraying information all across all social media, I think by nature that makes you just, I don't know, a little bit lower value versus someone who just every once in a while posts something really positive and you know, an awesome picture of you doing something great. I think that's really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

Okay, be a little bit more intermittent with it, right? Like we talked about the intermittent reinforcement, like be a little bit more sporadic about it, a little scarcity on the on the social media posts, and also just kind of like raise the bar on the quality, right? Like quality over quantity, like that that that would be helpful.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

Yeah, yeah. Make make your social media presence like that slot machine in Detroit, Michigan, all right? I don't know what's gonna come. It gave me something good, and then I blew it all. I didn't man, I'm still bummed out about all my money I lost. Never again, never again. Do you do you ever go to casinos? You don't seem like a casino guy.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

I've been, I'm, but I'm I'm not a slot machine guy. Like, I don't know, it's like the stats. You're too smart for it. It's the stats behind it. Like, I it's not good. So I'm like, I can't like get out of like the like this is impractical, but roulette, I've I've got a I will play some roulette.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

Stop being so practical, dude. Like you know that roulette is, I think that's the highest odds that or blackjack. Yeah, oh yeah, oh I know. It is actually staggering. I actually looked at the stats because I was so annoyed at myself. I think it's like um blackjack, it gives you like a one percent over the house. I think roulette. If you know what you're doing, yeah, yeah, it's yeah, if you know what you're doing, but roulette, I don't think you can mess up. That gives you about a 1% because they just have those two green, whatever um, the zeros. And then slot machines, they have like a 57% over you, like uh odds on top of you. So every time you do it, if you do it 300 times in a night, you are like, I don't know, you're the statistician. How guaranteed are you to lose? What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 32:21

Oh by a lot. Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

I'm like, I don't know, Adam, what happened to you in Detroit? You tell me. Well, I also uh bet on the lions, so that was also a terrible thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

Ooh, yeah, it's you you uh doubled down on the uh smart thing, huh?

SPEAKER_01 32:41

I sound like a big gambler, I'm not, but uh this particular weekend happened to be full of that. And um, I was like, you know what, I'll I'll now bet on lions because I can't I can't lose with that one. And dear God, did I? All right. Uh back to missing you, a couple other ones. If you feel like you do want to create a little bit of space, I think in a relationship, one thing that just tactically you can do as well is just planning a weekend away with friends, like away from your partner. If you live with your if you live with your partner or and you spend a lot of time, I find that's really healthy for Jess and I if we're spending a lot of time together, just like be intentional about having a weekend away from each other. It's nice. Like I I honestly think that's a really nice thing when like you don't sleep together for a night, maybe two, and finally you come back together. It's simple and obvious, but like when you're in it, you kind of can't think of tactical ways to do that.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Well, I think the the the key way to think about this differently, and it's probably different from how people normally think about it, is some people think, oh, girls' weekend, that's a selfish thing. Like that's taking away from my relationship. But no, like you're actually helping your relationship by helping yourself, right? And so don't think of that time away as something that is detracting from your relationship. You're you're doing it to like reinvigorate yourself, kind of recenter yourself, and so you're gonna be a better you for the relationship. And so I think people need to start thinking about things that they're doing for themselves a little bit differently.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Well, it's counterintuitive, right? Because when a relationship uh has conflict or it's not going so well, what's the first just like my initial reaction is to create closeness, but sometimes the opposite is what it needs. And we're just not wired that way. We're not wired to be like, oh, you know what, there's some conflict here, we're not really getting along, we're kind of getting on each other's nerves. You know what I should do is spend more time together. When maybe the actual answer is to spend a little bit less time together, build that desire, miss each other, and then the time you do spend together is higher quality. So that's how I think about it. Maybe we can end on that unless you have any other thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

I I think you know, a good place to end with this whole thing about missing and how it impacts your relationship is where a lot of these podcasts should probably end, which is with wisdom from a 1980s hairband. So Cinderella. I don't know if you remember Cinderella's like big song. It was you don't know what you got till it's gone. Amen. Right? And so, you know, sometimes a little bit of distance helps you realize what you really have.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Dude, I was born in the 80s, so can I can I embarrassingly say I don't know who Cinderella is? Jess is gonna kill me.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

Yeah, well, that's just says a lot more about you. I feel Jess it feels cooler with music. I've seen her record collection, so I feel like you know she's gonna know who Cinderella is. So you need to do yourself and Jess and your marriage a favor and go Google this. Cinderella, you don't know what you got until it's gone. You've heard I know that song. I do know that song.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

You don't know what you got.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Yeah, I'm I don't know. I've never heard that version, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:53

You girl. Hey, this is actually funny that I'm I'm singing right now on this podcast because I actually told Jess about this over the weekend. I had a dream about our podcast, and I was dreaming that I was singing. Like I it was actually me performing like a full musical, and I sounded good on it. But I don't know, maybe that just like foreshadowed what just happened there. Did I sound good? What do we think? Uh good enough. Like good enough. Thanks. Thanks, Gary. You're too kind, man. Brother. All right. Amen to that. Well, uh, I hope you're probably not gonna miss me after this. I'll talk to you in a week. Let's create that distance because all right, man, oh man, my singing is not too hot. So, what do you want to talk about next week, Gary? What do you think? Um we have not talked about heartbreak and breakups. Have we? What do you think about that? Um, how to overcome a broken heart, how to heal from heartbreak. What do you think? What would you like to talk about when it comes to heartbreak?

SPEAKER_00 36:53

Let's do it. Yeah, I have a I've actually done a lot of research on breakup. Um, so I have plenty to talk about. I I I have a TED talk on breakup, so I can give you the highlights of some of that stuff. Um, yeah, I love talking about breakup.

SPEAKER_01 37:07

All right, here's the teaser, everyone. Gary is actually featured in a very famous song about breakups, right? So maybe we can somehow insert that song. I don't know if we're able to do that with copyright, but that's the teaser for next week. So I can't wait. Thank you, Gary, and I'll talk to you next week, man. All right, see you at him. All right, bye-bye. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head on over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and uh speak to you next week.