SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, ladies, today's podcast is all about first impressions. And I want you to all imagine that you show up on a date, and the first thing you see in a guy is he looks like this. Just imagine what your first impression might be. What do you think, Gary? Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Do you think?

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I'm wondering which 80s hair metal band you're from. And are you like the the drummer, the bassist? Like are you or are you like a cool you're a cool lead guitarist?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Yeah, like so I think like maybe six percent of our audience might be super into this, and then 94% will be like I think you have the decimal wrong.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

I think it's probably like 0.6.6.6. Yeah, I don't I can't fight this feeling anymore. I cannot fight this feeling anymore. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Well, today's podcast is all about really being able to understand what it is that guys are looking for when they instantly meet you. Because men are making decisions within the first five to ten minutes of whether or not they like you, that they want to continue seeing you, engage with you, or not. And so, Gary, I think this is gonna be a good one. And please don't wear an 80s wig on a first meetup. I don't think that's gonna I don't think that's gonna get you many more dates.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Super mull it, super mull it. I here's the thing, and I think sometimes women forget about men is that they're doing a lot of the same things you're doing, right? When women are going out on dates, like you're sizing this guy up right from the get-go, you're taking a look, you're making some judgments, you're you're you're coming to some conclusions. He's doing the same thing. And yes, he's being judgmental, stereotyping, and maybe using some false assumptions. Is that fair? No. Can he help it? No. We can't we can't help this as humans. The research shows we take thin slices of behavior, milliseconds, and come to conclusions based off of those thin slices. Interestingly enough, the research also shows a lot of those thin slice judgments are pretty accurate. Um, but I think it all comes down to the same thing. And this is something that I have to admit that no one ever really believes, but I am one of the most impatient people on the planet. I don't like lines, I don't like traffic. Now, in my coaching and teaching and parenting, I'm the most world's most patient person. But when I don't have to be patient in those roles, I am not very patient. And so I think a lot of guys aren't patient either. And so on these dates, they want to get you figured out as fast as possible. And like you have to understand that. You want the same thing. And so today we're gonna talk about all the ways that guys size size you up right on the spot and what they're doing and how they're doing it. Um, and so you you can get a little bit ahead of it.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah, and I think one of the reasons why guys are so um focused on sizing a woman up is that they have a massive fear of rejection. You know, when I used to coach men, I would work with some of the most successful men on the planet on helping them get out there and meet all of you beautiful ladies out there. And what I'll tell you is I worked with some really successful guys, CEOs of major companies, and they had a greater fear of rejection and just going up and approaching a woman than speaking on stage in front of 3,000 of their employees. It's really, really big. And so they're trying to decide whether you're really interested in them or you're just kind of going on the date just because you're going through kind of like the motions here, which I think leads us really well to the first one, Gary, which is men are trying to determine whether or not there's this kind of green light signal. Gary, I got flags. You came prepared today, buddy. I did. Is it green light or is it red light? Gary, you want to explain this concept a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

It's really funny because a friend of mine has this joke with his wife that you know his his bedroom is like a Brazilian buffet where it's like you know the Brazilian buffet, and they have the card where it's like green for more meat and red for like stop and done. But like that's what made me think of this. But it's like men are looking to see right.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Hold on, Gary. What? What the bedroom is like a Brazilian buffet? I don't think you you completed he's like every night I have like a little card on my pillow that I'm putting on green and hers is red. Oh, I see. Okay, good. Oh my god, did you ever did you ever see there was actually a shark tank product? I'm a big shark tank guy, where this guy invented this product where if he flips the the switch on but she doesn't flip it on, it doesn't turn light. She it, but if she flips the light on and he flips the light on, it creates a light in the bedroom, and which means it's sexy to him. Oh, and all the sharks were like, Oh my god, this is the worst idea ever. And like, is that really facilitating like a healthy communication in the bedroom? Like, if you're turned on, like, go have sex. If you're not, don't. I don't know how I feel about it, by the way. It's kind of there.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

There's I think there's an app, and I mean who knows if it failed or not, but there was an app at one point where it's like they give both partners a list of different like activities, and you say yes or no, like basically red light, green light to each of the activities, and it could be sexual things or non-sexual things, and then it basically the app sorts it out between both of you to be like, hey, you guys are all green lights on these activities. Oh, I like that. I like which is kind of interesting, right? But you know, so I I do think there's lots of things guys are trying to figure out right away, but the one of the big ones, because we're all doing this when we're dating, is is there physical chemistry? Maybe he's gonna break the touch barrier. He wants to see if you're into him. The red light signals that he gets from you are anything you're doing where you're feeling cold, withdrawn, uptight, kind of overly formal, inflexible, stubborn. And so it's just really important keeping what men are looking for in mind. Now give him the green. And I don't mean like being overly sexual, I mean just make sure if you're interested, you're making it clear that you're interested. Actually, don't even make it clear, make it extra clear that you're interested because he's not gonna get it all the time, right? And can I give an example?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

I would love it. Please, it's giving me a Brazilian buffet example.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

I'm sorry, that popped in my head. I probably shouldn't have shared that. I didn't name him, I didn't name the guy, so we won't say oh my god. Um editing that out or keeping it at 100%. He listens too, so this is gonna be so texting. Like everyone, no, everyone likes a good dating texting example and or anecdote. And so I think so often you hear with clients, they'll say, you know, I sent a text and he didn't respond. Like it wasn't it. And so the text is something like, Thanks for tonight. I had a nice time, we should get together again. Just like, oh yeah, it was really clear that I was interested. I'm like, that's not clear at all. So what do you mean? I said I had fun, I said I had a nice time, and I said we should do this together again. I was like, that's exactly what you say to people that you don't want to get together with, right? It's like, you know, someone says, Hey, yeah, we should make plans to see each other. And you're like, Oh yeah, I would love that. We should totally get together at some point. You know, when you say that kind of thing, you're not gonna go see them. You know that that's not happening. So you need to send a more clear text, like and overdo it to the extent that you feel like you're feeling interest. Overdo it a little bit. Send a text that's like, just got home, I really love meeting you. The conversation with you felt so natural and easy, which I find is rare. I'd definitely love to see you again, especially at that. And then, you know, if you mentioned a taco place or like a record store or something, like just mention something from your conversation and say, like, I would love to do that thing we talked about. That is unmistakable. That's extra clear, that's green light territory.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Yeah, I think a lot of women have been raised by either their parents or by society to believe that giving green lights on a first date makes you appear too easy, right? And I think this is well-intentioned but misinformed advice to play hard to get, to, you know, don't show too much interest in a guy and so on and so forth, because it's not nuanced enough. And they're not differentiating when someone gives that advice, they're not differentiating between giving a lot of sexual interests versus emotional interest. And there's a big difference. Like, look, we're not telling you to go on a first date and start rubbing his inner thigh and start licking the side of his neck, right? I mean, feel free to do that, but that's probably not gonna get you a long-lasting relationship. That's not what we recommend around here. However, if you're on a great first date and you're laughing with each other and you look him in the eyes and you say, Wow, I'm really enjoying this conversation. You're one of the funniest guys I've met in a really long time. Thank you for taking me out. I like you a lot, right? And you can use any kind of portion of that, but it's like a moment where you're really giving him that the key, affectionate moment that says, Hey, I'm interested. I'm enjoying this. That is so rare. It's so rare. Ladies, for those of you who are like, I would never do that, or that's just too open, that's too easy. Just imagine this. Imagine if a guy did that to you. How would that make you feel? Probably pretty damn good. And so just being really clear about the difference between that emotional affection versus the sexual affection is key because you can send the text that Gary just talked about. That has no sexual innuendo at all. It's just saying, Hey, I'm good, I'm ready to rock and roll. Let's go, let's go on another date. Sounds great.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

I love I love that advice. And I I think I would boil it down to one word you can start using more that makes it more emotional and less sexual. So any because you don't want to say, like, I'm so attracted to you, you're so hot, even like you're so interesting. Like it sounds a little use the word intriguing instead. You're I find you so intriguing. Oh, that's very emotional. That means I want to I want to get to know you better. It doesn't necessarily mean anything physical at all. I mean, it could. It's got like that's just enough. Just the the the subtle little classy little tidbit of sexuality to it, but it's like, damn, Adam, I find that that mullet so intriguing.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

You just want to rip that wig off and just see what's on underneath.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

I know you're busy in the front, but the party in the back, that's intriguing to me.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

That's very flirting with me. It's working, it's working, which brings us to the number two thing that guys are really looking for as they're deciding whether they like you, whether they want to continue, is for lack of better term, because this is a very common term, the vibe, your energy. What are you giving off, or what are you not giving off? Because at the end of the day, men are looking for peace, simplicity, simplicity. And at the end of the day, really high character guys want to have those kind of low friction interactions, very similar to what you're looking for. And I get it. You might be really tired of dating. Maybe you've gone on four or five dates and haven't worked out. So you're like, that's it. I'm sick of wasting time. Within the first couple of minutes, I want to figure out what this guy's deal is. Is he serious about looking for a relationship? Or is he just another guy who's looking to use me? You know, I get it. That can be exhausting, which causes us to have a really off vibe that can turn off a lot of these guys. But I really, really suggest taking a beat and checking in with yourself before you go on that date. How is it that you're feeling? What is your energy like? Um, are you excited to be there? Are you in kind of a smiley mood? Are you ready to laugh and enjoy yourself? Um, it can be very difficult to have a great vibe if you're coming straight from work, right? We there's some uh dating coaches out there who will recommend that you go on dates during the week so you don't waste your weekends. If you go on a uh first date, um, grabbing drinks at five o'clock after work on a Monday, they might tell you to do that. Not around here, because chances are if you're coming straight from work where it's a pretty high conflict environment, your vibe is gonna be terrible. You're gonna scare the living crap out of that guy. So we're big fans of really leaning into the weekend vibe and to a fun, playful, curious energy, and that will just it it really does transmit to that guy on that date.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

Yeah, I think the other thing that guys are doing in terms of a vibe check is he's checking how much drama is in your life. Like Adam said, like guys want peace and simplicity. He wants to know like, are you someone who solves problems or creates them? He wants to see, like, are you full of negativity and complaining? Are you complaining about the temperature, the chair you're sitting in, the drink menu, the service? And it's like he recognizes it's like, oh gosh, this is not necessarily something that's gonna make life easier. And he's doing exactly what you're doing, which is trying to take small little bits of your personality and behavior that he's learning about on this first date, and he's extrapolating to the rest of his life to see, like, is this what life with her looks like? And so he's paying attention to your stories. Are your stories full of a lot of complaining, a lot of problems, a lot of drama in the workplace, even if it's not directly about you, if it's just that your stories are all full of like, but then she said this and then she said this, and then oh my oh, can you believe? Like it's all that stuff. It's like we don't want that as guys, like as guys, it's like no people don't want that.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Yeah, I mean, women I mean, high character women don't want to go on a date with a guy who's like, Oh yeah, tough day at the coal mine. Like, you wouldn't believe what Brad did to me when I was out there. I don't know why I chose coal miners. Are they does that even exist anymore? Uh no, of course it does. Um no one wants that. No one wants that. But here's the thing here's the thing about that is sometimes complaining, venting, talking about the exes, it can feel really good when you're in it. Like it can feel like it's good conversation because it can keep the conversation moving. Let's say you both connect on the fact that you're recently divorced. Oh, there's a commonality. Oh, your exes are both narcissistic pigs, like terrible human beings. Oh, that's nice. Oh, this feels good. But then guess what happens? He doesn't call you for a second date because people at the end of the day, the vibe of the conversations, even if he's the one driving this, the vibe of the conversation was off. And he's gonna think to himself, I don't know, that feels like a lot of drama there. And is that fair? No, but that's the reality of things. So you also have the ability to redirect conversation into topics that create a great vibrant vibrational energy between the two of you. You have the power to do that. And as part of today's podcast, we have something that's gonna be really helpful for all of you who are listening in. We have a very special seminar that Gary and I put together, which is all about how to emotionally captivate men. We call it the Love Captivation Code. It's a completely free seminar where we dive a lot deeper into some of these concepts and give you kind of a roadmap that you can use to be able to captivate these guys. And so you can click on the link anywhere in the description to register for that seminar, find a time that works for you, or just pick up your phone right now, head on over to, or if you're listening on your phone, just go to the site lovecaptivation.com. That's where you can register for the seminar, dive deep with Gary and I, and I think you're gonna really enjoy that one a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

So the third thing that guys are sizing you up on right away is the playfulness factor. Are you fun? Can you take a joke? Can you give one back? Like men, this is so important. Men relate to other people so much through humor. And so if you're able to be playful, he starts to relax a little and feel like, wow, I can be myself around her. Like, she's not gonna be offended, she's not gonna find me annoying, right? I don't have to censor myself. She's she's kind of cool, right? Because a lot women are gonna find like guys who are I I count myself as someone like I feel like I have a good sense of humor. I joke around it a lot, and so that's gonna work really, really well with some, and other people will find it completely annoying.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

And so we want it one in ten, Gary. One in ten and completely annoying. That's that's about my hit. Yeah, I think my wife would give me about a five out of ten, is deeply annoying, but you know, it's after 11 years, that's what happens, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:20

That is the funny thing because I would put my rate about like one out of 20, but my wife is just like, no, half the time, she's like one out of 20 of a hit rate or a note. No, that like one out of 20 find me really annoying. Like and not okay. But then she's always like, Gary, that's you're not as funny as you think you are. I'm like, I'm pretty serious. I feel like those things were landing, like they weren't, those were not pity laughs, like those were that was authentic, like that was good stuff. I love how you're debating with her about how funny you are. Like, no, no, pretty good, pretty good. But so I mean, one of the easiest ways early on in a date, and so he may not do this, but you could do this to show him how like fun you are. We used to do this thing, my wife and I, we'd go out and just sit there and be like, see that couple over there? What's their story? Right? And just do the what's their and then it can be serious, but a lot of times it was like, well, he's a secret agent, and and you just kind of like you start playing and riffing off it, and it can be like it can get really fun really fast. Um, super, super easy. But it's I can't emphasize this enough, and maybe this is like a personal thing for me because I think humor is so important, but it's like give him a chance, give guys the opening to be a little bit comfortable with being funny because you're gonna get more of the real version of him instead of like first date Fred, you're gonna get funny Fred. And that's that's what we want.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Definitely. And a lot of the research, Gary, you'll be proud of me for bringing some research and some science into this. I love it. A lot of the research shows that men are necessary are not necessarily looking for women who are funny themselves. Like, in yes, men are like I can say that just generally speaking. Like, of course, we want to be with someone who's funny, but more importantly, they want to be with a woman who finds them funny, who laughs at their jokes. And so I get it. Sometimes you might go on a date with a guy who's trying to be funny and like half of them are just not landing. But give him a little bit of grace. It's a first date, right? Like he's he's trying at least. Would you rather be with boring Brad who's just sitting there and asking you very basic questions about what you do for work? Where'd you grow up? What do you like to do for fun? Or just like crazy Carrie who comes on and is like pushing it a little bit too far, but at least, you know, he's trying and he's got to find kind of your line. I don't know, Gary. You know, I know it's been many years since you started dating, but I remember myself, like when I was dating and meeting women, like I was always trying to find the line for that particular person. Like, and some I would just keep pushing it and pushing it, and it was fine. Others, like the line was like my very first statement. Like, okay, I've really got to bring it back. Um, but what I'll say is like, guys are going to push the envelope because guess what? What are women most attracted to in a guy? Generally speaking, most women will say a guy who's funny, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:23

You know, like and humor. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but humor is like one of the best signs of intelligence, right? I mean, those two things are highly correlated, and so it's not surprising that women are looking for funny guys because they they should be, right? It it's something that you definitely want in a partner. Um, so you know, do whatever you can to help bring it out. I I also think the one other thing, and because this is definitely true for me, when guys get uncomfortable, they fall back on humor and sarcasm. It's like a natural male defense mechanism in many ways, right? It's like if things just get a little bit weird, like you just you make a joke out of it, and then like that just lightens the whole thing, and then you you can move on from there. Right, right, absolutely. Gary, you want to take us forward? Number four What's he trying to figure out? He's trying to figure out can I quote unquote win with her? Because guys are competitive by nature, they're achievement oriented, they think about winning all the time. Adam and I just recently were hanging out and he innocently sends me a text that says, You wanna go play pool? Sure. We go to play pool. He says, Yeah, no, I'm not very good at pool. I said, Yeah, I'm either. I haven't played in like forever. As we're walking over the pool table, he casually drops in and he has his own pool stick. I do. I do. And I'm like, this bastard set me up. He's trying to so we're playing we play five we play five games on the on the first day, and uh do we want to say out loud who One.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

Yeah. Uh I lost. Gary did not win. Here's how the math works on that. I hit the eight ball in, or I scratched on the eight-ball, I believe, two times. Or is that one? That sounds like losing to me. That sounds like losing. I will acknowledge that I lost, but you did not win. Nothing you did, Gary, caused you to win.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

So you can see what happening is happening here. Like he lost and is a sore loser, and I won as a big winner. And so three to three out of five games, I won, he lost. And so this bothered him so much as a competitive male that two days later I get another text. Hey, we have like a half an hour. Do you want to go play pool? Which he admits. He had he and he will admit again on this podcast, he wouldn't have done had he won the first day.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

But may I just ask you one final question, which is probably we can move on now.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

I think we're good.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Uh Gary, who won the second day? Who smoked the other person the second day?

SPEAKER_01 23:04

You did win two out of three games. So I won a five-game series, he won a three-game series, which we can all agree five games is better. And I'm sure we have now bored to tears every person listening to this.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

But we did give a perfect example of what guys are like. That's this is a very classic. Totally meaningless, totally unimportant. In fact, this was at an event where we were hosting with all of our clients, and we probably should have been, you know, uh greeting some of our clients. But I'm like, I need 30 minutes of pool to just smoke Gary.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

So because that's just what guys do, this is what guys do. And I think it's just important to understand where men are coming from. And so when he's trying to get that first impression, this is one of the things he's trying to figure out. It's like he wants every man, every person wants to be on a winning team. He wants to be with a fellow star player. And this doesn't mean that both of you have to be good at the exact same things, anything like that. But it's like you want to be with someone who's intellectually curious to help you grow as a person. You want to be able to support each other and keep it, keep it fun. Like you want some of those power couple feelings. You want to be able to win at life together. And here's the hugely important one. He has to feel like he can make you happy. He can't, if he thinks somehow you're impossible to please, that doesn't make you a good teammate and he's gonna bail. He's not gonna want to be part of it. And so it's like that's what I mean by both of you on the same team. Like, we are equals, we're on the same team, we're doing this together. If he feels like he can't live up to your expectations, guys are not gonna participate.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

Yeah, and in some ways, like our pool thing is maybe not the best example because that's us competing against each other, and that's definitely not what we recommend in a healthy relationship. It'd be much more like if Gary and I went to the bar and there were two guys there who had their own pool sticks, and Gary and I looked at each other in the eyes and we're like, we're gonna take these more. We would destroy them. We would destroy them. Destroy, destroy the world. Look at Gary, be like, he's my teammate. We can win in life, we can win it pool. And it is so true because at the end of the day, bringing back to relationships, it is really true. It's just a partnership between two people. I mean, we can take all the attraction, the love chemicals that you feel in the first couple of months, everything that goes into it. But at the end of the day, once you get through a couple of years with someone, you really spend the rest of your life with someone, you you find your roles within the relationship and you're building towards a life together. And people really are sizing one another up to say, would that be a good teammate for me? And so it's it's a good opportunity for you to look in the mirror and be like, Am I a good teammate? Like, and it doesn't have to be sports. Am I a team player? Am I the type of person who steps up when that person's feeling down? Or am I the type of person who will take uh the encouragement from someone else when I'm feeling down in this support structure? Am I willing to receive that? All that plays into this. Um, that's so important for these high character guys out there.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Yeah, and the last thing that the guys are really looking for in that first interaction, this first 10 minutes, they're sizing up to see like, are you a project or are you a real partner? Because I think everyone, and everyone does this to some degree is like, what's the effort to reward ratio with this person? Like, how much effort am I gonna have to put in before we kind of get to the good part of the relationship where things are easy and nice and just kind of automatic? And no one wants, no one really wants a project, right? It's like you're trying to see is this person high maintenance or are they high character? Are they gonna be an ally? Are they gonna be a liability? Are they a time drain or a time multiplier? Like he doesn't, most people don't want a partner who's thinking, they're, you know, they're gonna become my life. Like we are just gonna merge and be exactly the same and do every last little thing together. Most people, most of the time, particularly later in life, you're well established. You're looking for someone to really share your life with, to have that true synergy between the two of you. And so he doesn't want someone that, and you don't want this either. You don't want someone that you have to caretake for 24-7. You always have to be checking in with, like, we want some independence, healthy independence, and then healthy synergy as well, right? Bringing both together. Um, he's gauging this, by the way, in a couple of ways. Some of it's kind of dumb. Like, you know, how much do you care about social media? Like caring more about social media and social media likes, that's more of a project kind of partner. Um, if you're fishing for compliments or, you know, subtly putting yourself down, he's also registering that as more of a project kind of partner. Um, but if you have what we teach our clients, which is that self-assured feminine confidence, that's going to register. That's gonna land with him as like, damn, she's partner material. And that's what we want.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

And look, for those who are high-empowered, successful women listening in on this and thinking to yourself, oh, feminine confidence. Like, I don't want to appear weak. Well, it's time that we really reframe that idea because let me tell you, the feminine energy is the most powerful energy through the dating process. You are the decider. You are sitting in this seat of receiving energy from him rather than getting out there and chasing guys. And we happen to know this based on literally coaching tens of thousands of women over the past decade on how to get out there and attract love with a proven process we've developed over the years. And so, for those who are listening in and like, look, I really want to move into this partnership style dating um framework so that you're not just going out there and dating the wrong types of guys and finding a project yourself. We don't want you to be dating a guy who's a project. If you're really ready to make some shifts, then what I recommend you do is head on over to loveapply.com. That's where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session with someone on our team. They're trained by Gary and myself, who will really understand what's going on in your love life? Why are we attracting the wrong types of people? Why are we pull pushing away the right type of men? And then we'll understand who is it that you really want to attract for a lifelong partnership. We'll create a vision for you. And then ultimately we'll see whether or not our executive love coaching program can be helpful for you. If you decide to work with us, we will open up with open arms. We'll bring you into this, into our community and guide you along the way. If not, we totally understand as well. But what I have for you, it's completely free. Head on over to loveapply.com. Click the link in the description where it says schedule complimentary love strategy session. We would love to speak with you. We would love to help you start attracting the right types of guys. If you got anything from this, just imagine what we got on the other side. So, Gary, this was a fantastic one. Should I put the wig back on?

SPEAKER_01 30:00

Oh, I think it's the only appropriate way to end.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

So head on over, ladies, to loveapply.com. All right. And uh, we got plenty of wigs across the organization. Maybe some of the love strategies. Should I give Gary? Should I give this to the love strategists? You think if they have any self respect, they won't wear it. They will definitely not. They are very strong, empowered, mostly women. Uh, I don't think they're gonna wear this wig, but um, Gary, this is fantastic, man. Great stuff, and we'll speak to all of you beautiful ladies next week. All right, bye bye. Rock on, rock on, Adam.