SPEAKER_01 0:00

Gary, imagine if we just had a killer podcast and you just crushed. And then I decide that I want to tell you how great of a job you just did. And I waited three days to text you. Three days. How weird would that be? That would be so freaking weird. And honestly, this is the type of dating advice that you get when it comes to after a first date with someone. If you enjoy the first date, wait three days to tell the person that you like them. That signals a great connection. Well, we are going to debunk this advice 100% and talk about when is it that you should text after first date? And we're gonna get a little sciencey today. We're gonna take out the pocket protectors, aren't we, Gary? It's gonna be a good one. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Yes, the pocket protectors. Yes. Very sciencey, very nerdy. It's uh I'm gonna get to nerd out just a little bit today because researchers did something that researchers don't often do, which is they tackled a important question very specifically, concretely, and resulting in very directly applicable strategic advice. This does not happen much. And so today gets to be very tactical, practical. It's a how-to based on published science. And it's about a question that you all have agonized over is when, after an amazing first age, should I text? And you wonder and you start spiraling, you start wondering things like should I text them right now? Does that seem too desperate? Should I wait? Should I wait three days? Does that seem too distant? If I wait, though, how long? Should it be two days, three days, how many hours specifically? 37 hours, 37.5 hours? Is that the sweet spot? Like, what do I do? And it all seems unimportant in some ways, but it also seems completely like the most important thing in the world because if you had an amazing first date, you don't want to screw it up by texting at the wrong time, right? Because you want to make sure you're interested, you want to make sure it's clear. And everyone around you has advice. Friends, family, coworkers, everyone has texted, so everyone thinks they're an expert. Maybe you go on TikTok, some TikTok psychologist has something, but they're gonna give you the three-date rule. And three date rule sounds smart, it sounds intuitive, it just happens to be spoiler alert, wrong. It's wrong. The three day, not date.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Day, correct?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Yes, three-day rule. Yeah, three day rule. Sorry, my I misspoke. Three day for texting.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

The three date rule is for getting a little freaky deaky in the bedroom, but that also is not something that we recommend. That's for another day for a different podcast. But the three-day rule is ludicrous, in my opinion. Ludicrous, 100%. And I get it, like it sounds logical to wait three days after a great first date before texting someone, but again, how weird would it be if I texted Gary? We're shooting this on a Tuesday. Imagine if I texted Gary on Friday and he was like, Hey man, great job on the podcast. Like, dude, if you did that to me, I'd be like, What are you talking about, Gary? It's Friday. What do we even do on Tuesday? I don't even I have no recollection of that. I appreciate it, I guess, but like you could have texted me right after the pod. That would have been nice.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Yeah, because three days later, it's it's like in today's world, attention is a commodity. And so if you can't spend any time to give me any attention about something in the last three days, I just assume that I'm not important, right? And so you're sending the wrong message with some of the most popular device out there, and you're going about things wrong. And so I feel like I should have like trumpets or something like dent dent. Like what to the rescue? Science, science to the rescue. And so, you know what's cool about research, Adam?

SPEAKER_01 4:13

What's that? Everything, absolutely everything, nerdy glasses, retainers, no, calculators. Do people even use calculators anymore?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Yeah, stop being a hater. But so the great thing about science and scientists and researchers is we don't just ask questions, we actually test things out. We're curious, we don't base things on assumptions, we create studies. And the the study that we're gonna base this whole podcast off of just came out, over 500 participants, and they do the thing where it's like they randomly assign people to try different things so we can really isolate what's going on. And so they tried three different strategies for the post-date text. Strategy number one was texting immediately right after. Thanks for a great time kind of thing. Strategy number two, texting the next morning, right? Strategy number three, waiting two days. And so all of these are defensible. There's reasons to think any one of these would be the one that works, which is what makes it a good test. And so they wanted to see specifically how the other person felt in terms of would they want something long term? Do they have relationship intentions? Right. So the person you're texting, do they have relationship intentions? Do the does the person you're texting, do they perceive more or less chemistry? And does the person you're texting, do they want to see you again? Right. And so just just for because I think I want to partially give the researchers credit, but I want to also share how researchers talk about these things. Here's the title of this study. You ready for this? How the timing of texting triggers romantic interest after the first date a curvilinear you-shaped effect and underlying mechanisms.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

That'll really uh get someone hot and heavy into oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

I want to test your curvilinear you, you-shaped effect.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Yeah, let's go. Oh my god. Curvilinear. I'm gonna find a way later today to use that word, even though I don't even know what it means. I'm just gonna bust that out in a meeting today. I'd be like, look, I think we're at a curvilinear point uh love strategies, and I just want to see everyone's face. I want to hear someone chime in.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

Even better, use it with Jess. Be like, you know what, Jess? I'm feeling very curvilinear toward you today.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Would that be a positive or a negative, Gary? What you will see. You will see. Now, what does curvilinear mean? Do you even know? It's just a you, yeah, it's a U-shaped, it's a U-shaped, like half of a golden arch.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Like half of a golden architecture.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

It feels unnecessary to say a curvilinear, U-shaped.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

But it's cool, it's cool. So no one cares about this. What they do care about though is the result, which is there is a sweet spot for this texting, right? And this this is I research doesn't always ask practical questions like this, but this time they did. And so here's what happened. When you text too fast, right? It's bad. Bad, bad, bad. Like no one, it's it feels bad. When you text too slow, waiting two days, three days, etc., that's even worse. The best is the moderate delay, the best, the sweet spot is the next morning. Text. The next morning text in this study led to more intentions for relationship to form an actual relationship, more perceived chemistry, and a greater motivation to continue things. So here's the here's the short answer. Text the next morning. But Adam, what I would love to do is something that I do with my students, which is kind of like, let's think through each of the scenarios and just kind of process it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

I'll be your student today. All right. So why does texting immediately right away, why does that backfire? What is that saying? Do you think?

SPEAKER_01 8:02

It means that you're like just so interested. Like so into you.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Yeah, now is showing interest a good thing?

SPEAKER_01 8:10

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

What's the downside though?

SPEAKER_01 8:15

Eagerness. Could feel a little bit needy. Could feel like maybe there's just a lack of other options. Maybe they're so invested, too invested too quickly. It can also be like a little intense, like right immediately off the bat. Just someone throwing that out there. Is that fair to say?

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Yeah, I think it's like well, it's like a little bit like, okay, cool, but whoa. Right? Like, this is a little too easy. I don't really know you yet. And then I think it also gives this like sense of like, do I really want to deal with this? And so, like, attraction needs interest. This is true, but not pressure. You can't speed up attraction and force somebody to like you. And if you're like just a little too much, a little too soon, it creates this pressure. When what we really want is a little bit of mystery, a little bit of tension, a sense of needing a little bit, like needing to win you over. There's there's a theory in psychology, gain-loss theory, which is like we like people that initially weren't so into us, but we convinced them and won them over. So you want to give that a chance to breathe. Um, because when everything's guaranteed, it just steals all the excitement.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Absolutely. And for those who are listening in and enjoy this kind of more tactical research-based stuff, what we would love to hear from you all is something in the reviews. We'd love to hear from you guys because Gary and I put together these podcasts. We love doing them. We obviously love hanging out with each other. But what we love most is impacting all of your lives. And the way that you can let us know how the how we're doing up here is leave us a review. We, of course, love five-star reviews that helps us spread this message of empowerment to other women uh in the world. If you have a lower review, you know, maybe um go listen to some more podcasts or go somewhere else. Scary, what else? What else do you think? Uh no, I'm just kidding. Feel free. We want to hear your feedback regardless, but leave us a review, give us a like, subscribe, anything like that. And it really helps us out a lot and it really helps spread this message. So please go ahead and do that.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

What I would say, any low star review, don't just be like, I dislike it. Give us like specific reasons because we do authentically want to make this better. And I'm a fan of constructive criticism. That's that's cool because I I really do. I want to make this as good as possible. So, not just like I don't like Adam. I mean, we don't have to just say that.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

I mean, that's like the majority of the reviews. I get it, I get it. No, but really, like leave us a review. Even if you give us a five-star review and you want to give us a little feedback on what you want us to be talking about, those are the best. We agreed. Those are the best.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

So, Gary, continue. All right, so we were talking about how texting right away is bad. Okay. Texting after two days, three days is even worse. Okay. So I'm gonna tell you it's even worse. Okay, but why do you think, Adam, why would people wait two or three days? What do they think it's doing?

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Uh maybe that they are like too cool for school. I don't know. Or like they're wondering if that person's even interested in them or they're just flaky, yeah, type of person.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Yeah, I think you know, the idea behind the three-day rule is like it shows like you're like you have options, you're you're you're interested, you're maybe, you know, you just have other things going on. It makes you seem kind of cool and busy and in demand. The problem is it also makes the other person wonder like, honestly, like what the hell? Like, what's going on? Like, are they flaky? They must not really care. Also, that two-day, three-day delay, it just kills all the chemistry. The desire to see them, people, it gives people enough time to get in their head, it kills the motivation for a relationship, and that's it's all bad stuff. Yeah, you're like playing games.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

I mean, it's if if a woman, if I go on a first date with a woman and let's say I send her a text, you know, the next morning, and then she waits two more days to respond back. I mean, I'm just thinking in my mind, either she's playing games here or she's just not that interested. And it definitely kills kills the momentum. It's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

And and so the lesson I want everyone to take from this is unclear interest is worse than being overly interested. And that's for texting, that's for dates, that's for all of this. Is like you have to show interest. If you don't show interest, people don't know to spend more time and energy on this relationship. So you have to show interest. The other big problem is even if you really do, if you really do like that person, you wait two days and you come back after two days and you're super clear that you like them, it just screens low reliability. And that's a huge problem if you're looking for a long-term relationship, because low reliability is uncertainty. It conveys disinterest, it conveys this person's not worth investing my time into. Because if they like me this much and they waited two days, they're again thinking, like, is this how the relationship's gonna be? Like they like me a lot, but they just never let me in on their secret. That's a huge problem. And so it goes back to one of the things we know from relationship science about attraction, which is there's a rule of reciprocity. We like people that like us. This is everything in dating. And it's like, it's so on one hand, so incredibly obvious. We like people that like us. Yet in dating, most of the games that people play, most of the bad advice out there is like, don't show them you're interested. It's like that's just gonna kill anything. Like, that's just horrendous advice. And so we want to make sure we're making it clear that we like people.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

So, ladies, please stop listening to your divorced friend Debbie about what to do after a good first date. Because she's gonna be like, oh yeah. I'm picturing her like smoking her cigarette, her thin cigarette, and be like, oh yeah, like, no, just wait, just wait. You want to have them coming after you. You gotta play a hot to get, you gotta play the game, and you're like, oh, okay, Debbie, that sounds great. But no, Debbie has been single for five years since her last divorce. No judgment there. That's okay. But like, maybe she's not the right person to be listening to you for this type of advice. Maybe listen to the science Dr. Gary with his pocket protector.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Because he's got the real double date. There we go. I got him. Based on the accents, uh, Debbie from South Boston, is that right?

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Oh, yeah, she loves the St. Paddy's Day parade, that's where she gets all her dates for the next year. I love it. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

I love it when your Boston accent comes out because it doesn't come out much, but apparently, when you do like bits for for Debbie, oh Debbie, she's like the bane of my existence.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Here's why I kind of hate on Debbie, Gary. You've probably experienced this with clients where they'll be like, you know, I'm following the little love steps, everything's going great. I have like a couple of guys that are really pursuing me. I'm really excited about being in a relationship with one of them. But I talked to here's the big butt. But I talked to one of my friends the other day, and she said, and that's where like my brain goes into like a different galaxy mode of being like, What did your other friends say? Like, and I'm not trying to be God, that sounds really pretentious and wrong. I I hear that, I understand as that comes out of my mouth. But you're like, Why are you listening to your other single girlfriends? Don't do it. Like, and I know this is just the rant of the day, I guess. But like, I know I would do that to some extent if I were a single guy out dating. I'd probably have some of my single buddies and be like, hey man, like, what do you think? What do you think? But man, can it really set you astray? It really does, Gary. Does that ever get to you?

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Like, it gets to me, and I don't know if I handle it. I'll tell you how I am. So, what I would say is like, it's great that you're talking to your friends. And why are you talking to that particular friend? Well, you're talking to that particular friend because she has experience, right? And they're like, Yeah, that's exactly right. Debbie's got all this experience. I was like, great, but here's the thing, I've got more, right? In the sense, like, I've been researching this stuff for 25 plus years, I've been coaching for four almost five years of doing this stuff. It's like the number of dating interactions I've learned about, talked about, been a part of literally in the thousands, probably tens of thousands at this point. And so it's like your friend Debbie from South Boston has experience, but I've got hundred times, I don't know, so much more. It's like, yeah, experience is good. So, like, make sure you're going with the most experience.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Yeah, 100%, 100%. And what I will say for everyone listening in, I am a huge proponent of surrounding yourself with the right type of people. And that's why in our executive love coaching program, we ensure that everyone that is in that program is highly vetted. There are no South Boston Debbie's. I'm sure there's some South Boston ones, but they're not their name is probably not Debbie and they're not smoking a thin cigarette while they're giving you advice. I promise you. And it's really important that our clients connect with each other. And I love when clients advise each other because they know all the information that we teach, they're on the same path together. That's where I'm a huge proponent of it. It's when external people come in and start giving their own thing that they saw on TikTok for that given week and advising clients, where you're like, oh no, that's just it's gonna set you astray. And so, for those of you who are listening in and you got a bunch of friends who are the Debbie's, nothing against the name Debbie. I love that name to some extent, I suppose. Uh if you want to have the right type of community and culture, what I would recommend you do is just head on over to loveapply.com, apply for a complimentary love strategy session. We'll see if you're a great fit for what we do around here. Welcome you with open arms to our community. Again, that's loveapply.com. It's a complimentary love strategy session. We'll jump on the session, talk to you, see if it's a fit. I know we just digressed a lot here, Gary, but I felt like I had to land that plane here. Gary? Yeah, I landed the plane right there. Did I? That was my little very long rant. You're catching me on a weird day.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yeah, because we gave all the advice up front. I was just gonna like layer it more in, but they don't really necessarily need it because it's like, hey, next morning. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Yeah, that's it. All right.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

So is that is that the end? That's it. Do you want to say more?

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Okay, let's do a cut. I thought you were ending. No, no, no, no. So I thought we were doing we we stopped at the But I thought you did like the closing out, like I thought you were like No, no, no, no. I thought we I just threw in a call to action. Now we need to end with why the next morning works. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

All right, right? I wasn't I thought you were like, hey, we can be really short on this and be done.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

All right. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I just I saw an opportunity for a call to action. Hold on. I took it. All right. All right. So why don't you just start with, and thank you, Adam. Here's why the next morning. Yeah. Now let's get to the meat of it. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Thanks, Adam. And so let's talk about why the next morning text works the best. It sends the perfect signal. It's this balance between I like you, I'm still thinking about you, but not too much. Right? It avoids saying I'm emotionally all in. It's this balance, again, between interest and confidence. You want to connect, but you're not needy about it. You're thinking about them, but you're not obsessed. And let's be honest, when you see this in a guy, he's reliable and he's got a calm confidence, not that knee pick, pick me kind of energy. That's attractive. If it's a little too much, you're like, ugh, you kind of you want to back off. If they take three days to get back to you, you're like, you've long since writ written them off, right? And so this is that right balance.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yeah. And I mean, I think at the end of the day, sadly, people read too much into text. Like they really do. He's gonna read a lot into your text, you're gonna read into his text. Is that necessarily a healthy thing? That's uh maybe a conversation for another time. The reality is people do, and so you want to find kind of that sweet spot where you're just making sure that he knows that you really enjoyed it, you want to see him again, but we're not coming in with just this constant pick me energy. And so that's really it, ladies. When you go on a when you go on a great date with a guy, just be sure to let him know your instincts aren't wrong on that. Like, but the timing, it really does matter. So it's not about games, it's not about rules or anything like that. We we here at Love Strategies don't have any uh concepts that start with the R word, which is rules. We don't like that. We like to work within concepts, and so if this was useful for you, again, head on over to loveapply.com, apply for that complimentary love strategy session. There's a lot of stuff that we do with our clients, leading with science and common sense to help you attract the love that you truly deserve. Gary, this was a fun one. I appreciate you, and we will speak to all of you beautiful ladies next week. All right, bye guys.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Thanks, Adam.