SPEAKER_00 0:00

After a first date, there are basically three options. The first one is obsess over what this guy thought of you. Does he like you? Does he not like you? Is he the one? Number two is form really quick impressions that you just lock in forever. What is you learned about this guy? Oh my god, that must be just the future of this man forever. Or the third one is to text your best friend to recap every single detail of this diet, this date, and microanalyze this guy. But Gary, what does no one actually do that is really the right thing to do? What do you think, Gary? Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

I think the fourth option is what people should be doing is actually sit and reflect. Like take some time. Why are we going on dates in the first place, right? We're actually going on dates to learn about these potential partners. We're going on dates to learn about ourselves, to learn what we like, what we don't like, what we want, and what we don't want. But we don't actually take enough time to purposefully, intentionally reflect, stop and think like, what was that experience all about and what can I take away from it? Because one of the big problems people have in dating is they rely too much on feel, on chemistry, on vibe. And really what that actually all means is you're relying on stereotypes. Stereotypes when you don't have all the information. And so people always ask, it's like, how do smart people, really, really smart people, keep finding themselves in bad relationships? And it's exactly from this. Like research shows the very famous book, Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman talked about system one thinking, which is fast, it's emotional, and it's heavily biased. Every single one of us, I don't care how smart, successful, accomplished you are, we have both systems. And so, too often in our dating lives, we rely on that fast, emotional, and biased way of making judgments. And so this is how we make bad decisions. And so what we I haven't brought this out in a while, probably too long, but it's like I used to say all the time, it's like follow your heart, but take some strategy with you. And so what we're gonna talk about today is a post-date night debrief that's going to allow you to follow your heart, but we're gonna give you just a little bit of strategy to help you extract as much information, dare I say, data from these dates as you possibly can.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

There are really three questions you can ask yourself at the end of the day. We're gonna go through each one of these, and it's not complicated. It only takes like 10 minutes, but it allows you to really think through whether or not you want to keep investing your time into this man because Gary, you're gonna bring some data into this. The data are showing. Uh that's sorry. Okay, I got uh this is a quick side note. I was in an event and I mentioned that the data is showing, and I got corrected by Dr. Gary and a client that apparently it's the data are showing. So I'm trying to make it correct.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

You're learning, pal.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

I love it. I'm learning. So, Gary, give us some of that data and let's walk through this debrief for these ladies.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Yeah, and I think, you know, what this date night debrief thing, like you said, 10 minutes. We're trying to see who fits. We're actually going to focus on information about him and information about you. Bringing both of those two things together puts together more data than we've ever used before in how we evaluate our dates. Um, the research, there's some research from Harvard Business School actually that shows people who deliberately reflect after experiences, learn measurably faster and make significantly better decisions. Who doesn't want that in dating? Like, who doesn't want to learn faster and make better decisions? I mean, that's entirely what we are here for. And so there are a bunch of questions you can ask. And I know sometimes people get bogged down with like lists of 40 questions and it's like you must ask this and this. And no, no, no. We can get down to three. There are three non-negotiable questions you need to ask yourself after every single date.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

And I just want to drill into that one idea, which is deliberately, deliberately reflecting. Because I know we have a lot of really professional women who are in the workplace, and maybe you've experienced this when you're hiring someone. Like, have you ever had an interview with someone where you're determining if they're a good fit for the organization? And your first gut reaction is heck no. Like they didn't smile, they weren't warm, I didn't seem to like them in the first couple of minutes. But for anyone who's interviewed a lot, it's so important to really override that initial instinct. Give the opportunity for someone to really show up and don't make decisions right away. Like, give it some time. This is something I personally had to do as we've been growing love strategies and hiring is just not use system one thinking and just weeding people out too quickly or deciding I like someone way too quickly. Like, take that time to be really deliberate and ask the right types of questions. So, this is kind of the approach that we're doing also with dating. So, Gary, do you want to go into question number one that uh clients can use? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

So, question one is how did I feel? And did he make me feel that way, or did I? And that sounds simple, right? But it isn't. There's a major difference between a man actually making you feel a certain way and you forcing it. Because if you want something too badly, you can be making connections that don't actually exist. You cannot do all the work on this. You have to let connections naturally come to you or naturally not, right? Sometimes it's just not going to be a fit, and that just has to be okay. And so, you know, some of what this question is asking is like, well, how was he? You know, and we talk a lot about, you know, does he meet our love vision? So you want to ask yourself, like, was he kind and caring and respectful? Was he genuinely present? But then here's here's the other part that I think is really important. Like I was talking earlier about fusing both his qualities and and you in here as well is how did you feel in his presence? Not just like was he fun, but like was he energizing to you, or did you feel drained? Were you excited, comfortable, bored, indifferent? And here's the most critical things of all did you feel seen, heard, understood, valued, and like you could authentically be yourself?

SPEAKER_00 6:50

And those I know did oh god and did you really feel it? Or was he six five, handsome, charming, and you went into the date knowing that you're gonna be into this dude? Because here's the thing, Gary, we do this all the time. You go in with already a full commitment and excitement for this person because we're attracted to them, and then we seek evidence that supports that existing belief. So we're looking for moments where you know what he was really respectful, he was really kind when in reality, like if he was 5'10 and maybe not as handsome, you'd be like, ugh, so not so not respectful, not kind, not comforting, right, Gary? Like, how often do we do this?

SPEAKER_01 7:31

You realize what you just did there, you just made 5'10 sound like it was short.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

It's not I know. I well, I uh trust me, we've worked with enough clients where like 5'10 become like 5'2.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

It's like 5'10 is like a plus that's plus plus height. Um, literally average, it's above average. 5'10 is above average. Okay, there we go. I'm not even saying that defensively because I'm above 5'10 myself, but it's like I just it's 5'10 is great. Yeah, 5'10 is great. Thank you. Um, I also I think one of the big things about this is I know like I'm I'm like data and science and and I all that stuff, but I do think there's something to be said when it comes to meeting people is after that interaction, how do you feel? And do you feel energized or drained? Because we know from research that high quality relationships with anybody, this is not just even romantic partners, high-quality relationships are characterized when you leave those interactions, you feel more the the researchers call it resourced, not less. So it's just basically like you feel like you are taking things from these interactions that makes you feel like jazzed up and ready to go, not like, oh gosh, I just talked to that person and now I feel like Eeyore, right? It's like, and we all know those people, right? You work with some of those people, like you see them in the hallway, and you're like, oh gosh, do I have to go talk to Janice down the hall? Like, and it's like, what is she gonna say? She's gonna complain about how that something's going on with her garden. I don't want to hear, and it's like you leave those interactions just thinking, like, oh gosh. Right. We don't want to do that with dating.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah, and I think it's really important to after the date, really make that assessment because dates can ebb and flow. There are gonna be moments where you're just like, oh my god, we're in kind of a boring moment. Uh, this guy's not right for me. Next, next, next. But really give you yourself the opportunity to just enjoy the date, have fun, because you might also not be bringing the right type of energy. And so just allow yourself to have that flexibility when you're on the date. And then afterwards, you can really assess, like, overall, was he energizing or draining? I think it's a great framing.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Yeah, I think, you know, depending on how fancy you want to get with this, you can kind of give yourself a rating before the date, right? And you write it down somewhere, right? Like, how are you feeling? Schedule one to 10. Like, what are you bringing into this situation? Are you at a seven, you had an eight, you had a four or five, right? And then after the date, now, where are you at now? And like ideally, it's the delta, it's the change between those two numbers that give you a sense is like, is this energizing? Are you feeling lighter, freer, more curious, more open and interested? Or are you feeling like uh right? Like you just you don't like, you know, that feeling. Like I don't know, that that's the sound that it makes to me. It's just like uh it's like standing at the DMV, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

It's just like uh someone in the world is listening to this podcast in line at the DMV, and they're like, oh, you just nailed it. You just nailed it.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

You just went out with DMV Dan.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

DMV Dan. And with that said, look, so many of you are going on dates and you're feeling your own anxiety going on these dates, you're nervous, but also recognize that these guys are also coming in with their own fears, their own concerns, their own different types of energy. And before I started Love Strategies, I actually used to coach men on how to get out there and meet you. Yes, you. And I have a lot of insights based on that experience that I think can really enlighten you when you're going on these dates. So we have a very special resource I think would be very helpful for everyone listening in. It's called the Mail Mind Map. It's a seminar that I walk through what is it that men really desire in a woman and what are they looking for when they're going on dates? It's a completely free seminar. It's something for the podcast listeners. I think y'all enjoy it a lot. It's at malemindmap.com, or we'll leave a link in the description for all of you listening in because I think you'll enjoy that a lot. So, Gary, why don't you take us to question numero dos?

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Question two. Um, so this is where this whole date night debrief really departs from other things that are out there, which is this question is Did I show up as my best self? This is the question literally nobody asks themselves. We're all focused on him. What did he do? Was he right about this and this and this? We're usually all about evaluating the other person, naturally, by the way. Like I get it. But dates and later relationships are about dynamics between two people, both of you, not just all on him. And you know what it's like. You show up to a date with a guy that's not bringing the energy. What's it do to you? It brings you down, but it can go the other way too. Like, if you're not bringing your best self to the interaction, you're definitely not getting the best version of him. And so this demands the date night debrief basically says, like, you have to show up. Like, how did you bring yourself to this interaction? Did you, for example, you can ask yourself, was I comfortable being myself, or was I performing a version of me that I thought he'd like? Now you've been there, you've done that, you've been on dates where you were acting in a way that you thought he was gonna like, and that's not what we do around here. We're all about being authentic, staying true to yourself. Super important to do that because people, the research shows the people that show up authentically in early dating report significantly better relationships long term. And that's what we're here for. We're not just here for short-term things, we're trying to help you date in a way that sets you up for the amazing long-term relationships that you really want. And so this piece, I I just I find this because I did so much like research on self and relationships, like this kind of stuff always really resonates with me. But it's like really important. You cannot find the right person if they're not meeting the real you, right? You can't find the right person if they're never meeting the real you. So you have to show up true to yourself. If they like you, perfect. You can keep moving. If they don't, also perfect. We know that it's not gonna work. Both are good outcomes. And so you want to keep asking yourself, was I emotionally present? Was I in my head? Was I genuinely curious about him? Or did I treat it like an interview where I asked him 63 different questions? Um, and were you comfortable being yourself?

SPEAKER_00 14:02

I had a client, this reminds me of a moment where I had a client about a year ago who went on four or five dates with a guy, and she came on a mastermind coaching call, and she was like, Adam, I don't get it. This guy is perfect. Like, he's handsome. We have good conversational chemistry, he's very successful, he's really investing in me. He's asked me a lot of questions, but I'm just like not that attracted to him for some reason. Like something is just really off. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I can't lead him on. I don't want to do this anymore. And so, you know, everyone starts chiming in as they usually do. They're like, girl, you don't feel it, just move on, move on. You know, you know that whole that rigor, uh, you know, rigor. Um, but I was like, hey, let's take a look at what's going on in your life right now. Like, do you have anything else that might be creating stress in your life that might be affecting you? And she's like, Well, actually, this has been one of the most stressful times of my entire career. Like, I'm getting a promotion right now, I'm now leading a hundred people in the organization. I'm also moving, and my daughter is also graduating high school, so I have to deal with like college and all this stuff going on. And I remember thinking to myself, uh-huh. There it is. And so we started talking about the past four dates she's gone on. And every single one of them was during the week, like during her busy schedule, because he had been traveling on the weekends. And so I said, Your next date, I absolutely assign you homework to go on a date with him on a Saturday or a Sunday where you have no work, no family stuff going on. I want you to go to yoga before the date and just see how you feel so you can bring your really natural energy that currently is just not coming out of you right now. And she said, All right, I'll give him one more shot. And guess what happened, Gary? Oh, I know she went on the date and it was fireworks. Finally, she was able to show her true self. They kissed, and all the feels came through. She was suddenly very attracted to him. And last I heard, she's still in an incredible relationship with this man. But it's like it's taking that moment to just evaluate am I being my best self right now? Do I have other things in my life that might be affecting my energy and how I'm showing up? All of that plays into this, especially when we're dating later in life. So it's so, so important to do this stuff. I appreciate you bringing this up.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Yeah, this is the thing that like everybody wants from the other person, which is take a little ownership. And so we have to do it. If we want our if we want the men that we're dating to take a little ownership for how they're doing things and showing up to dates, we got to make sure we're taking ownership too. And so I think what I really what what people really need to do is ask themselves after every date, it's part of this date night debrief, is like, what can I do better next time? Not in a self-flagellation, like you were terrible in this way, and let me count all the ways, and like it's not not that, but in like a coaching way, which is like we're not perfect, right? And but we're trying to do is just get a little better each time. And so, what did you do well? What about the date surprised you? What are some areas that you can improve? Right. And you're gonna have some honest conversations with yourself, and you might just realize, like, you know what? When I look back, I I got a little nervous early. And so because I was nervous, I talked a lot, I talked too much. And so next time I'm gonna leave some mystery and ask more questions. Solid. Like that is gonna help you make progress, and that's what it's really all about. Is it's no one's expecting you on the very first time after you haven't been dating in five, 10, 20 years, to go out and just crush the first date. No one's expecting that, except for maybe you secretly. You're hoping. It's just not realistic. And so what we have to do is set up a system that helps us take advantage of each each rep, right? It's like we're just gonna get a little better each time, and each time we're gonna improve and then we're gonna have a better experience, and we're gonna just get a better, and it's just it's gonna be this cascade of positivity, but we have to make sure we're deliberately focused and analyzing what's going on in these dates because otherwise we're leaving too much information on the table that can help us. Um, and we're just missing out.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Yeah, which I think leads us really well to the final question, which is asking yourself, what did I learn about him, about myself, and about what I actually want? Because at the end of the day, dating it really is this like incredible emotional roller coaster, right? It's just it's emotionally volatile. And what we want by asking this question is for it to be less of an emotional roller coaster and more of a thoughtful process, right, Gary?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Yeah, and I think you know, it's it's too much to ask ourselves on a date. What we always say is, you know, when you're on a date, normal job, only job, have fun, right? But I think what people do on dates, which is a mistake, is they're trying to have fun. They're like, Yes, of course I will have fun. But I'm also trying to ask all the questions, have all the best reactions, have all the best responses, do all of the things. And then afterwards, it's like, oh, I don't want to think about the date because I know I didn't, I wasn't perfect. Of course you weren't. And so it's fine, you're gonna miss things. There's gonna be things you want to follow up on. That's fine. Dating is a process, and what I was I was just saying this to a client this week on a mastermind is like she was putting so much pressure on herself in the first date to basically solve the entire riddle of their future relationship for the next 50 years, all within an hour. And she was like, I just I can't, I can't do it. I can't do it. I was like, I was like, no one can, no one could. Right. And she's like, Oh my gosh, that makes me feel so much better. And so we started talking about this a little bit. It's like you can go on a date, have fun. Afterwards, you're gonna do this date night debrief. You're gonna sit down and ask yourself, like, what am I still curious about? What do I need to follow up on? Were there any red flags or inconsistent inconsistencies that now as I reflect on this, there's like, wait, he did say that one thing. Okay, we're gonna make a little note so that the next time we see him, we can follow up on these things. Were there any is there anything that shifted how you thought about him? What did you learn that you weren't expecting? You know, did you actually learn about him? Right. So, you know, I've been talking a lot lately about counterfeit closeness, which is, you know, I have clients that go on dates, they're like, you know, we talk for two hours. He told these great stories and all this stuff. It's like, that's great, but we don't get close based on the number of minutes. It's about what we're actually talking about. And so you want to make sure you're asking deep questions and learning like real things about each other, not just all the fun stuff. There should be some fun stuff, but we want to like, what's something vulnerable, like emotionally vulnerable? Like, what's something that you know you're embarrassed about? Right? Like, that's that's a big question. Or, or you know, if that seems like too much on a first date, and maybe it is, you ask, you know, what's something you're secretly proud of that no one knows? Like, those are good questions. And so we would just want to make sure you're not gonna remember to ask every question that you wanted to ask, do all the things on every single date. But if you had this date night debrief, you're giving yourself a chance so that you can follow up and ask. And it's like, I know I you were gonna make fun of me, but and this sounds nerdy as hell, but you know, keep a running log. Like, I'm a spreadsheet guy, like I would excel the crap out of this. I would have call I would have columns and rows and like all this stuff, and it's like I would have all my ratings and I would have it like summed together, like I would just put all the notes in one spot so that you know, one of the things we suggest to our clients is date multiple people at a time. So it's like there should be a way to keep track of this. And like as a data guy, I would do it with a spreadsheet. No, you don't have to do it with a spreadsheet, but it's like you just you need some system, I think.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Just do it with a journal or a spreadsheet. If you want door cal, if you're a spreadsheet person, go for it. I'm more of a journal person. Either way, it just allows you to just take this moment to spend a few minutes removing the emotion from the situation and really give yourself a full debrief. I think that's gonna give you an amazing unlock. So, Garrett, this was fantastic. And for those who are listening in and you're like, I would love to be able to do these types of debriefs with a coach, with a professional who knows my story, can really guide me every single step of the way, make sure I'm not telling myself stories about a guy that's not true, just so I can convince myself to be with this man. If you really want to have someone who's in your corner rooting for you, that's what we do around here. Our coaches are incredible. And for those who really want to find the right man and do it with a strategy, then what I recommend for you is to apply for what we call a complimentary love strategy session. So, what I recommend you do is head on over to loveapply.com where you can fill out a few simple questions and then schedule a time with someone on my team who's gonna meet with you one-on-one, completely free, and see whether or not our coaching is gonna be able to guide you on your journey to love. If not, no worries. But if so, we would welcome you with open arms and really guide you every single step of the way to once again remove some of all this emotional volatility from the process so that you can see clearly and attract that person you truly deserve. We'll leave a link in the description as well. Thank you so much, Gary. That was fantastic. Thanks, Adam.