SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot. And for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve. So let's jump into it. Emotional attraction, that is where we're actually gonna build a connection that lasts. And if you find that your relationships are only lasting anywhere from two to three dates or things just are flaky, things aren't actually sticking, then I would focus all of your energy on this stuff rather than just the physical attraction. Today we're gonna be talking about the six things that men first notice in a woman and find massively attractive. Dr. L, Dr. Lewandowski is here with me. Really excited for today's podcast. And I want to start this out with a little bit of an exercise for the audience. And I want all the women listening in on this, and maybe the 1% of men who listen to this podcast weirdly, but for mostly the women, think about the things that you think men first notice in a woman. Like, what do you think men first notice about you and find massively attractive? Just take a second. Just maybe even write it down if you want. Pause this podcast and come back. All right. Gary, what do you think the vast majority of the audience just thought about?

SPEAKER_01 1:30

I think, and I think like most people, the your mind when you first think of attraction goes automatically to outward superficial physical characteristics.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Boobs, butt, makeup, hair, clothes, anything physical. Because men are totally visual, that's all that matters, right? That's I feel like where everyone's mind went. Is it fair to say? Absolutely. And so when and this is especially true for women, when they're going out and dating and trying to meet men and trying to get noticed for lack of a better term, um, we put so much of our energy focusing on building physical attraction. And let's not get things wrong, like men notice that stuff. Okay, I'm not gonna say like men don't care about boobs, butt, makeup, and so on and so forth, but all of that builds physical attraction. And what we're gonna be talking about today is how to really build emotional attraction, and emotional attraction is so much more powerful, so much more potent than physical attraction. Because I'll tell you what, I'm physically attracted to about 10 women every single day as I walk past them. Okay, I don't feel emotional attraction towards any of them, but like you notice a woman, you're like, wow, she's really beautiful. I'm physically attracted to her, and I'm a married man, but emotional attraction, that is where we're actually going to build a connection that lasts. And if you find that your relationships are only lasting anywhere from two to three dates or things just are flaky, things aren't actually sticking, then I would focus all of your energy on this stuff rather than just the physical attraction. What do you think, Gary?

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Yeah, I think focusing on this represents this huge wealth of untapped potential, right? People over-emphasize the physical thing and put all their energy into those aspects. Um, and you're you're missing so much because guys care about physical, but they're also like particularly guys you want to attract, you want them to care about the emotional side too. So it's time to start giving guys more credit and paying attention to those other non-physical things that guys really do pay attention to because frankly, most of the women out there aren't paying attention to this stuff, so it's going to give you a huge advantage.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Us men, we have feelings. I feel things, okay? I have feelings, and let's give men a little bit of credit here. Um, and you're right, like I can only speak to my own personal experience with dating as a male, but when I was in my like mid-20s period, a long time ago at this point, dating, physical attraction was most like 99% of my energy. But once I switched over to a point where I was like, okay, I'm ready for something real. I'm getting ready to want to start a family, want to find a potential for a wife and so on and so forth, like you just kind of switch your brain as a male to focusing on these attributes much more. Not to say you're not interested in physical. Jessica's a very beautiful woman, but like this starts to matter a lot more than it ever has before before. So if you're only attracting guys who are focused on the physical, then we got to start putting our attention towards the men who actually care about these things because they absolutely do. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

And you know, it's important in the sense that again, a lot of people aren't thinking about these things. And if you want a guy who cares about the emotional side and not as much about the physical side, then you want to make sure you're attracting based on those aspects, right? You want to make sure you're attracting the kind of guy you actually want to spend long periods of your life with and not just some guy who's with you because he thinks you're hot.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Um, never a dog. Were you ever a dog?

SPEAKER_01 5:18

I was not, and it's actually I was too, I was funny. I was just talking to my wife about this because in college I was like too nice. Like I was like friend zone Frank all the time because like I was way too nice, and then I realized like, wait a second, like I'm over-indexing on the nice side, and I just have to tone it down a little bit, and then I then it was fine. But it was like it definitely I I skewed way too far towards the like emotional side of things.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Yeah, me too. I mean, my nickname in college was Friendzoned Adam, and then it wasn't until I got out of college when then suddenly I kind of learned all of this stuff, which is what's led me on this crazy career path that I'm now on. What I thought I was pretty cool for about four years, four or five years there when I was coaching men and so on and so forth, and then I went back. So it's just like kind of a classic, a bell curve of dorky to thinking I'm cool, and I was never actually cool to now super dorky again. So all right, let's jump into these things.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

The first one, yeah, I was gonna say this. So, you know, to be clear, these are non-physical things, and these are things that guys notice right away. And so this first one is actually something having met your wife Jessica and knowing my wife Colleen, both of our wives are really good at this thing. And this first one is vibe, and vibe is just like their general overall like positivity versus negativity. And your wife, Jessica, might super positive people. So they're not complainers, they're not picky, they're not grumpy, pessimistic, they're not somebody that like dislikes a whole bunch of people, they're not negative and needy. Instead, they're energetic, they're spontaneous, they're fun, they savor the good things in life, they have a lot of gratitude, they're pleasant company, they're fun, they're just a good time to be around. And like that's important. And it's it's the laughing, the smile. It's just that over. I don't know, vibe is such like a non-scientific term. I was kind of like hesitant to put it on here, but it's like when you say like someone's vibe, like their energy, like you know exactly what what that means when when you when you see it.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

Yeah, like have you ever just met someone? And let's think of it the opposite way. Have you ever met someone and you're just like, ugh, I I hate this person. I don't know what about them. I just I'm not feeling it. There's something about them, and like we we're we've evolved from you know hundred to two to a hundred thousand years of evolution or whatever is Homo sapiens to like just get a feel for people, and there's some people you meet that just have this negative energy about them that the way they might respond to things, maybe the way they actually just show up there with their body language, their presence. Um, there's just a general negativity about them, and it may just be a reflection of and more not maybe, it's probably just a reflection of what's going on in their own personal life that is now just mirroring into their love life. Um, but vibe really matters. And the nice thing is you can really work on these things, like you can focus on your life and creating a happy single life so that you are showing up when you meet new people in a positive, fun way. Like, if you don't have positive things going on in your life, and it could be as basic as like you just learned how to crochet, you've just started exercising again, you just got a good, nice like the basics. Um, smiling, smiling while talking, smocking, as I call it. Like all of these things can just reverberate into your your love life when you meet a person for the first time. And so this is the number one thing I will tell you that men look for when they meet a woman. Like a guy, especially for those women who aren't getting approached a lot when you go out or guys aren't talking to you, or they they're not staying or continuing to talk to you. Like, men will show up to a venue, and if they're looking to meet women, they'll scan the room for the woman who is least likely to reject them horrifically. And they are looking for women with good vibes, just as like you are probably looking for men with good vibes. It's the same kind of thing. And so just be aware of kind of that energy that you're bringing putting out there to the world. And um, if you're ever curious about it, like you could always even ask a friend, be like, I don't know, like what do you think? Like, it's kind of a weird question, but be like, I don't know, what do you think about my energy tonight? Like, was I showing up the right way? Like, just be open and be honest. Like, let me know because I I I really want to get this right. So, this is a big one, and men really notice this stuff, and this is what keeps a person like really sticking to you, wanting to see you more, wanting to spend more time. Because guys don't remember what it is that that you say, they remember how you make them feel. Like, what when they walk away from you, they're not gonna remember all the stories you told, all that stuff. They're just gonna be like, hmm, I like that person, or hmm, mmm, not so much. Okay, so if you enjoying this podcast so far, you are going to absolutely love our free virtual coaching session that we offer only our podcast subscribers. If you go to lovestrategies.com, you can walk through that exact process on how to get out there and attract that love you truly deserve. Go ahead and head over to lovestrategies.com and uh we're gonna help you attract that man you truly deserve.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Yeah, I mean, it comes down to it like nobody wants to date men or women, nobody wants to date like that Eeyore type of person where it's like, oh but like it's just like they're so draining and like all these things, like it's no one wants that person. Um, which actually nicely segues into the next one, which is you know, the other thing that's non-physical that guys notice right away is like a sense of ownership, like the ability to like kind of like own things, be in control of your life, to like kind of like own a room in some sense, it's self-assuredness, it's confidence. It's like how do you carry yourself? Right. And it's like you can see that. Like, are you do you like head up, make eye contact, like just that like strong presence, and that comes from a sense of confidence. Um, I think the other part of it, and kind of you know, this idea of not being an Eeyore is it's not being a victim. And there was something I heard recently about um, I don't know if you know about this, you know about the like the idea of the second arrow from Buddhism. Do you know about this, Adam? I don't think so. So I never heard about this either. Um, and so it's the idea like sometimes things that like things in life are gonna happen, like bad stuff's gonna happen. And so that's the first arrow. Like you get hit with the first arrow, and it's like it's a real event, like something painful happens, like your car breaks down, uh, you know, a loved one dies, and and like it hurts. Okay, that you can't do anything about that first arrow because that's just life. Like life happens. The second arrow is like a met is a metaphorical thing, and it's like, how do you interpret that first arrow? And so the victim says, Why me? This always happens to me. I'm just like a magnet for all this stuff. This keeps happening to me. There's nothing I can do about this. And it's like the idea of that second arrow is like all your reaction to the event is adding pain, it's adding heartache, and it's something completely in your control. You're like wallowing in this self-pity. And like you want to talk about something that's massively, massively unattractive. It's the whoa is me, why does this keep happening to me? I'm so unlucky, like that feeling, not good, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Yeah, it could be as basic as like, let's say you hate your job and you're like, ah, I just hate my job. I keep getting the worst jobs ever. Like, bosses are just the worst, aren't they? And it's like you are taking a victim position here, as if like you can't go find a great job, or there's something about the job, maybe it's just you, and that's like a microcosm of many different situations. I'm just thinking that because I remember I went on a date with one woman who would tell me about how like her past five jobs have been the worst jobs ever. I'm like, I am never going to date you. Sorry, this is not happening. And it's not about the job, it's about like your perception of the job and how life happens. And this isn't easy. This has taken me a long time to use the reframe technique, and you always just have to reframe things that happen to you where like anything when your car breaks down. Maybe it's a positive that it broke down because now you get to get a new car, or if you can't afford a car, okay, maybe you start taking the bus. And guess what? The second time you ride the bus, you meet the man of your dreams. Would you be happy your car broke down? Yes, of course. And so it's just looking at life through a lens of total ownership, you're in total control of your life. And the thing is, when you when you really own your life and own your situation, you will attract people who do the same. And when you play the victim and everything that happens in life, this I feel like this has been like a theme of a lot of podcasts lately, but I think it's clearly top mind for both of us. But when you play the victim, guess what? You attract other people who are victims because victims want to wallow in their grief with other victims. Oh my god, the government is the worst, or like uh, you know, you you can't get ahead these days because of X, Y, or Z, or the you know, love is the worst because of dating apps now. Dating apps are just the worst, or oh my god, my ex is terrible. Isn't your ex the worst? Oh my gosh, you know, all of that stuff. It's just like they wallow in this stuff and wonder why it is that they're not finding healthy relationships. So I think that this is a super important point. And in many ways, I'll end with this on this kind of rant. I think that why people join coaching programs of any sort or therapy or whatever it is, like what we do, Gary, on our mastermind is we're like the second arrow because and we try to give the the ownership perspective on what can we do to change this so that we we actually make some changes in our lives. I feel like that's like the key is having that unbiased feedback in in some area of your life.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Yeah, and you know, and psychologists thought, you know, it's Buddhists say first and second arrow, psychologists say it is, you know, primary and secondary emotional response. Um, but it's like that second response, it's like, why is this happening? And what can I do about it is really, really important. And it's it's a way that people screw this up. It's like you think of like one of the most common conversations people have when they're dating, it's about past relationships. And if you've been done any amount of dating, you've talked to somebody who talks about a past relationship and is like, they're the problem. I don't know why this keeps happening to me. All the T people are terrible, blah. And it's just like ee or blaming, second arrow, bad, bad, bad. But like, how refreshing would it be to hear someone say, Yeah, you know, that past relationship I had didn't work out. And I did some soul searching and I really looked at like what role I was playing in that, and I spent some time figuring it out. I fixed my stuff and I'm ready to go. Yeah. Like, wow. Like that's somebody you want to date. That's somebody you want to be. And so that's, you know, again, that's non-physical, but that's something guys will notice and appreciate that kind of ownership thing. And it's something, frankly, you want to notice and appreciate in guys as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Well, that's that I was gonna say that because I've I've had clients who've joined and they're like, Oh, I'll never date a man who's divorced, never date a divorced guy. Like, okay, well, that really narrows your dating options if you're over the age of 40, starting point. And then the second thing is it's not about the divorce that's the problem. It's not about the event, it's about his interpretation of the event and his level of ownership about it. If he's just going off and be like, oh, my wife was such a bee, she's a this, that she's a that, she took me for everything I am, and oh, she just whatever, and run for the hills. But if he's like, Look, you know, we got married when we were 20, we didn't know who we were. I I honestly struggle with communication. She struggled with emotional volatility or whatever it is, and we just weren't a fit. But since the divorce, I've actually done a lot of soul searching. I've thought about what it is that I need, and I've worked on this area of my life. Holy crap, marry that guy, marry that man. That's what you want. So that's ownership. That's what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yeah, ownership, growth oriented, sign me up. I mean, that that's exactly what that's exactly what you want. Yeah, um, so the third thing that makes somebody massively attractive that's not physical is when you're together, are they fully present?

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Wait, Gary, sorry. And so you know texting right now. Sorry, I got I got something. I'm gonna do that. Eye contact power right here. No, no, no, no. Sorry here. I got a little text message uh over here. Oh, that's the worst. Fully fully present. Oh, don't you hate when people text message when they're when they're with you? They're just not there.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Texting, picking up the phone. Like, I had a really good friend of mine, a colleague, and it's like anytime as you'd be in the middle of like a heart to har conversation. If his phone rang, he'd immediately stop what he was doing. Hold on, look at it, think about it, call that person back. And it's like, no, no, no, no. Like, there's this perspective about like the phone's there for your convenience, not the person calling. And that's a hundred percent, I think, the way to look at it. And it's the same with texting, it's like fully present is being there, sitting, directing your attention at them, not having your mind wander, but it's also not just not texting, don't even have your phone out, have your phone off and away, not part of the conversation, like be there for that person. And it's it's again, it's just it's like one of those life principles. Um, you know, and and being there is also sharing the stage and not totally dominating the conversation on your own, right? Like, let's both of us be present, let's both of us have a role.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

It's amazing how like having your phone away puts you in the top five percent of active listeners nowadays. Just having your phone away, like sure, be on do not disturb. And by the way, he should be doing the same. And if he's not, I might call him out on that. I I I call out Jess when she does that, and it's a rarity, but sometimes I get it, like you get into that little thing with Twitter or whatever X now, and you get excited, and and but call it out, and if he's not willing to do that, it's the same thing, hold the same standards. But like the whole point of being together, especially if it's the first couple dates, like if you can't put your phone away and do not disturb, like you got bigger issues here. You're not ready to date, you're not ready for love, you're not ready to get married. No way, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Cause really all you're asking for is like an hour or two away from the constant pinging. Like it's a it's a small ask, and it, you know, it's important to realize that it's a small ask, and and so you know, being fully present, super noticeable. Are you distracted looking around on your phone? Like not, and you might say, like, no, no, I'm multitasking, I can do all this stuff. No, that's not how that's not how it's read by the other person. And so just know that that's you know, you have to really be there to be there. Yeah. Um, the fourth one is one that we've talked about a little bit, but it kind of goes so closely with being fully present, present that I, you know, we have to mention it, which is this idea of having soft eyes. And, you know, there was a study actually, a thousand men, and 70% say, 70% of guys say they look at a woman's eyes first. So how you're communicating with your eyes is really important. So soft eyes, again, we talked about this in depth on a previous podcast. So I won't go into it here, but it's you know, kind and caring. It's not like a critical look, it's like uh you're listening to the world's most interesting story, and you're just waiting to hear the emotional ending of like how's this all gonna turn out? And that's a soft eye look. Um, yeah, and so that's super noticeable. Guys are gonna definitely notice it, and it's again, um, gonna it's about an emotional connection when it comes to eyes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

And soft eyes with a nice smile. Oh my god, that's gonna get you now. You you you put your phone away, soft eyes and a smile, 99th percentile. It's pretty wild, and everyone else wants to talk about all this other stuff. Focus there, and that is going to attract the the right type of men into your life. It's so powerful. I'm telling you, like when I used to coach men in person, so I used to actually go out with groups of of men and help them overcome their fear of like talking to women and work on their body language, 99% of it, and they paid me way too much money for a weekend to tell them to make eye contact with genuine curiosity, soft eyes, as well as smile. You do and it was so effective, it was crazy. I would go around poking a guy, but smile, smile, smile, eye contact, eye contact, eye contact. And uh, it was so weird. Like, I I get paid to poke guys going around at a bar, like it's so weird, so strange, but it's it's Really, really effective.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah, I was just gonna say, like what you're bringing up is really important because you know, I originally brought this up in the context of like, you know, a first date, make sure you're listening and you're fully present with soft eyes. But so it's it's for that dating context, but it's exactly what you just said too, which is you know, just kind of like being out in the world and just making yourself approachable to assuming you want to be approachable and you want guys to notice, like have soft eyes walk around. Like, don't walk around with like a critical, like kind of cold, standoffish look. Like, oh, huh? Hi. Right. And it's like there's a way to look more welcoming and like you're willing to be approached. And soft eyes is a big, big start to that. So, right. All right, lead us to the homeland here, Gary. Yeah, so there's two more. And I, you know, this this this one's a little tricky because there's only so much you can do about it, but you just have to know that it matters, and it's a non-physical thing, and it's something guys notice, and it's who your friends are. Like, who are you hanging out with? So if you're out in a group, um at a bar or just you know, social media, who your friends are, guys notice that stuff. Um, and the research shows that like when you're in a group, it does make you more attractive, so that that's a benefit. But there's also other research that shows we get contaminated by negative friends. There's something called a contamination effect. So if your friends are like snobby, materialistic, dumb, flighty, superficial, annoying, you're gonna look that same way to him, even if you haven't shown those traits, right? Because he's like, you might be like the the glowing beacon of light amidst all these kind of annoying friends, but he's gonna look at them and be like, wait a second, why are you hanging out with them? You must be okay with them, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Because it's that thing you always say, like, you're the average of what the five people you spend the most time with. Well, I don't always say that's a Jim Rohn effect. You're the average uh Jim Rohn quote. You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And then I always say you're the average of the person you marry. So that's that's that's my quote. That's my personal quote.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Yeah. But it all, you know, it's it all goes to the same thing. It's like, you know, you're hanging out with these people, that's gonna be a reflection on you. It says something about you. The one other thing about friends um is he's gonna notice how you interact with his friends, right? So if you happen to, you know, meet or like you get introduced to his friends, he's gonna be paying attention to how do you interact with his best friend? Like if you're getting joked around with, if you're being casual about it, are you being like, I don't like that. Like he wants you to like his friends, and so how you're interacting with those people is gonna be really important. Agreed. Agreed.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

Yeah. Take us to the last one, Gary.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Yeah, and so you know, I think a lot of that is, you know, we've talked a lot about communication in the sense of non-verbal things. And so this last one is just, you know, verbal communication. So again, a non-physical thing, totally gonna notice. Um, he wants to make sure that you can carry a conversation. He, you're probably gonna be his best friend, right? Because that's you know, the person he shares the most emotional stuff with for sure. And so conversational skills are gonna be really, really important. Like he's gonna pay attention to things like, are you curious? Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you ask a lot of good questions? Do you listen to the answer? And then do you remember things that you talked about later on?

unknown 25:22

Right?

SPEAKER_01 25:22

It's like we had this conversation a week ago. Like, are you kind of keeping up and remembering? He should be doing the same thing, by the way. But it's something he is gonna pay attention to to feel that emotional connection. Um, when you are having conversations, like, are we staying on topic? Is it rambling and incoherent? Are you articulate? Um, you know, are you talking about deep, interesting things or just superficial, like silly things? Like, you know, if you if you went to see the Barbie movie, are you talking about the costumes or are you talking about the deeper societal gender themes in the Barbie, which I haven't seen, but I understand like my my daughter saw it, and it's like there's some deep stuff in that. But it's like, which part of that are you talking about? Because that's the kind of thing he's gonna be interested in, you know, long term. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

I think that that's you know, it's tricky when you're when you're getting out there and you're meeting people. I think that there's so much advice for women to have that RBF, that resting bitch face, to be cold, to play hard to get. And it's been ingrained in in women's minds, is infected a lot of women's minds. You might have a single girlfriend who's like, no, no, no, no, don't ask questions, trying to play cool, trying to be like ice, be the ice queen, and all that stuff. And the reality is that us men, we like women who like us, who are interested in us, right? You like men who are probably interested in you. Now, there's obviously a balance to that. You don't want a guy who is like confessing his love to you the moment he meets you, nor do we want a woman that way. But it's like be engaged, be legitimately curious about him, and because you want to know who this human being is to see if maybe there's a fit here, maybe see if there's a real connection. And um, I just think coming into any date with just that curious mind of trying to understand that person um is is incredibly powerful and once again just puts you in the tippity top of the most attractive women on the planet because um I know guys who are extremely successful, who have dated models, the most physically attractive women in the world, and they are bored of this person within two dates, where the same guy will go out with a woman who isn't on that level physically, but does all the things we talked about, builds out emotional attraction, knows how to communicate, shows up in the way that we've talked about, and they marry that woman. They they want to marry that type of person, they want to be around that person because those types of guys who are really ready for a real long-term relationship, like they value that so much more than just the physical. So, hope you get a lot out of this today and really lean into this stuff and just give guys a little bit more credit, like right, like give us a little bit more credit. We're not just all about the physical, like it might feel that way because you know, 20% of us are all about the physical, the 80% of us, I would say, are also interested in the emotional side, but it's not just about appearance, right, Garrett?

SPEAKER_01 28:18

Yeah, I mean it's it's give give guys more credit, give yourself more credit, and ultimately you're gonna end up having better better relationships as a result.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

All right, so with that said, get out there and bring your best self forward. Don't focus so much on the physical attributes and focus more on the things we talked about, which are completely within your control. Thank you all so much for being here, and uh, we'll talk to you all very soon. All right, bye-bye. Thanks. All right, thank you so much for listening. And if you've gotten to the end of this podcast, it means that you are ready for some strategy in your love life. And since you've made it this far, what we want to offer you is a complimentary love strategy session with someone on my team who's going to walk you through a proven process to attracting that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So head on over to loveapply.com. It's this direct link to be able to book that love strategy session. And we can't wait to be able to speak with you and help you create that strategy you truly deserve. All right, speak to you soon. Bye bye.