SPEAKER_01 0:00

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot. And for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve. So let's jump into it. Your one safe space should be your relationship. Like that should be the one place where it's like, like, it's okay. I can kind of talk about whatever it is. I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide this kind of emotion that I'm going through, this challenge I'm going through because I would look less like a man. Like, you just want that to be like the one place where you can just kick off the boots, put your feet up on the couch, and be like, man, this is what I'm going through. And for someone to be like, I'm here for you. All right, Gary, today we're going to attempt to answer the age-old question, which is what do men really want in a woman? That is the trillion dollar question. What do you think, Gary? Are you ready for this?

SPEAKER_02 1:04

I'm ready. And I think, you know, so many people think it's really easy. Like, you know, guys are solely focused on looks, maybe personality, a little fun, a little drama-free. But honestly, if it was really that easy, we wouldn't be talking about that today.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Right, right. Yeah, that's that's what we all think. It's just like boobs, beer, and butt. If you if you got those three things, then men will be just the easiest thing in the world. And it's it's not that clearly, especially if we're going after high value men. And I think a lot of what we're gonna be talking about is a little bit against the grain, things that you don't hear for all the women out there, you don't hear about this very often. I think this is gonna be very tangible tactics and strategies that you can use to start attracting the right type of guy in your life. So I'm really excited about this one today.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Yeah, and like the nature of any good strategy, you have to move beyond the basics. And so, you know, there's a lot of stuff out there on this topic, but the things we're gonna talk about today, you're gonna see things no one else is talking about, and it's it's gonna be helpful.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Yeah, yeah. And and the point of all this is not about like artificially doing things to attract men. It's much more about doing these things for you to better yourself and not for men. And I think that that's such an important piece of advice when it comes to anyone getting out there and attracting love. Like there's always this tendency to want to change yourself for the person that we go out with or the person that we want in our life. And um, the reality is if you can actually change yourself and work on yourself to improve your life and make yourself show up better in all areas of your life, it will naturally attract people into your life. It's a it's a subtle shift, but it's a very important mindset shift that I think a lot of us need to continuously adopt whenever we're trying to improve ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Yeah. Empowerment first, then relationships will follow. And it really has to be done in that order.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Yeah. Amen. So walk us through this because I think we have four things that uh nobody really talks about when it comes to uh what men really want a woman. I'd love to hear from it, from you guys.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Yeah. And so, you know, these are things 99% of women don't realize that guys are really looking for. And it's things that just don't seem that obvious. Um, but from our experience and talking to a lot of clients, we we know that this this stuff works. And so the first one is to have a realistic relationship or portray yourself in a realistic way. So there's like classic, bad, misogynistic advice that says women should just be smiling and happy and positive and all the time. Oh my god. Yeah, and like guys just want a woman who's just always full of sunshine, puppy dogs, rainbows, all that good stuff. Um that's bad, bad advice, bad advice. Um, it's not what guys actually want. What they really want is authenticity.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

That advice about being happy and positive all the time, what that actually turns into and that guys actually don't like is toxic positivity. Toxic positivity research is you know, all it is relatively new, but it's this idea that like you can take positivity too far and it becomes counterproductive, it becomes harmful. Um, and so the stereotypical exp expectation for women to fall into this overly positive style is actually problematic.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yeah, I can see that. And I I feel like there's a lot of self-help out there that falls into this idea of toxic positivity as well, where you're just like constantly improving yourself, constant, like constant, you know, just need to always be happy. Seven ways to be happy today. And I almost think of like, I don't know, my my image of a woman being toxically positive is like the 1950s, like the man comes home from work and she's got her like casserole. She's like, hi honey, how are you doing? You just relax, everything is great. I'm gonna make you dinner, then we're gonna, you know, whatever. Like, it's not real. And you know, I think it can be really easy to fall into this trap when you're getting out there and dating because you do want to be positive, you do want to put on that face, and you do want to bring great energy. But the reality is, like, as you get to know someone, beauty, true beauty, comes in the form of imperfection, not perfection. And when you try to be perfect all the time, then you're actually not going to be able to create a real connection with the other human being. Like humans just build that connection with one another through this idea of yeah, imperfection.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Yeah, the word I love that you keep using is real. Like, who among us doesn't want a real partner and a real relationship? Right? We want authenticity. Sometimes life sucks. It does. Sometimes work is hard, it's demanding, people are annoying, your coworkers are annoying, sometimes your partner's annoying. Like sometimes things just aren't going your way. And if you have a partner who's always like, everything's great, it's fine, just smile through it. It's all gonna work out. It's not that big of a deal. It's like, oh my gosh, get it together. No, no, no. Like, like sometimes there are real problems. And to have that toxic positive outlook, like, it's all gonna be fine. This is just gonna help. It's like, no, no, no. Sometimes, like, we need to, you know, make a sale. Sometimes we need to fulfill out an account. Like, sometimes there's things we need to do that just aren't getting done. We need to pay the mortgage. It's not like, oh, it'll be fine. Like, no, no, like life is real sometimes. And so you want a partner who sees the real you, who sees real life, who sees your real relationship, and isn't just constantly living in this other world of everything's positive and happy all the time.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Yeah, it's really interesting as we talk about this because I feel like I'm the guy that falls into the I don't want to I wouldn't say toxic, but I'm the positivity guy in our relationship. And like sometimes Jessica just she just wants to vent. She just wants to like, you know, this is the classic, like woman wants to vent to the guy and so on and so forth. But like it goes both ways. And I've just found, especially when we first started dating, you know, I would should she'd want to talk about something, and I would just be like, no, no, it's fine, or I'd be very solution-oriented, or like life is so good. What are we talking about? Both of our of her parents are alive, like, you know, we're living in the most amazing place. And it's like, Adam, shut up. Shut up. Like it's okay to like talk about things a little bit, and it's taken some time to to step away from that and be aware that, like, look, it's okay to explore the imperfections of life and not, and I I think I get that from my mom, honestly, because she does the same type of thing where like everything is always perfect, everything is always great. It's a it's a wonderful thing, but you can take it too far at times. I don't know. I I feel like you do the same, Gary. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 7:51

No, no, you're not changing the subject. Podcast number whatever we're on, the one where Adam blames his mother.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

My mom, it's my mom's fault. He says, it's my mom's fault. First off, I never said it was my mother's fault.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

I just said my mother also tends to fall into this. It's a wonderful thing. Look, I'd rather someone be super positive than super negative, that's for sure. And I'm definitely not, mom, if you're listening, I'm not calling you toxic positivity. Just saying you're very, very, very, very positive.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

What I'm sure of, and I've not met your mom, but I'm sure she's doing it right and you took the lesson the wrong way. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Thank you, Gary.

SPEAKER_02 8:34

So this is the thing, though, is like real relationships have real problems. Yeah. Right. But then those real problems also have real solutions, which are real opportunities for your relationship to grow. Right. And so if you just sugarcoat everything over, like everything's fine, everything's fine. It's like you're missing out on the opportunity to like work through some of those things together. Here's the other thing. We we portrayed this topic as this is what men want. Men want authenticity, and they do. Here's though, why, as anyone in a relationship, you don't want to be toxically positive. I actually had a research student of mine, this is about a year ago, for a thesis, do a thesis on toxic positivity and some of the real problems it creates in relationships. And one of the things that we found in that thesis project was that people who were more toxically positive were more willing to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner. And so really jealous, really controlling, like it's just a partner who doesn't treat you very well. If you're too toxically positive, it's like he'll be fine. It's gonna be fine, it's gonna turn around, he'll start being nice to me someday. Like, this is just how guys are. And you start making excuses, and you just see it's like this unrealistic optimism that's really problematic. And no one wants to be in a bad relationship. So you really, you know, so some of this is like, yeah, guys don't want to toxic positivity, but really you don't want to be toxically positive yourself because it really starts putting the blinders on and you start ignoring some really problematic behaviors.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

That's interesting. I could see that also with like running a company for all those executives out there who are like CEOs or you know, your your high-level executive. Um, if you're toxically positive in a company and you're like, everything is great, it's gonna be okay, we're gonna get over this hump. It doesn't matter that everyone's refunding everything that we're selling them, it doesn't matter that everything's great. Like you're not living in reality. Like you're you're just you're you're yes, positivity is important in a company, be like, yeah, we're gonna do great, we're gonna do great. But if you don't actually face the music a little bit, God help us. It's the it's gonna come crashing down. I could definitely see that in relationships. Certain people, men or women, who are just like, oh my god, it's so great, so great. It's like, no, it's not. Let's take a real hard look at what's going on here and be willing to have those difficult conversations uh as needed throughout a relationship. It doesn't mean you need to be a constant complainer. Now, again, there's a balance here. This is a spectrum, you know, toxic positivity on one end, toxic negativity on the other. It's just like finding that that balance um in a relationship so that you can generally be positive, but when negative things happen, be able to face them. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to hecommits.com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're gonna like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

Yeah, and it's it's like you said before, is like, you know, if you're gonna have one of two things, you know, being just slightly overly positive is better than being slightly overly negative, right? No one likes that constant complainer. And so you don't want to just be, you know, looking all the time for problems. Like that's not good either. But, you know, it all comes down to that one where real. Like we want a realistic relationship, we want a real partner, um, and we want to have a real relationship. Amen. Amen. Why don't you take us on to the next guy? All right, so the next one, uh, you know, in the world of things people don't talk about, at least in terms of relationships, this next one is intellectual humility, right? So one of the great things about working with our clients is they're all super smart, super successful, high power women. Here's the problem with smart people. And, you know, in my regular job as a professor, I work with lots of smart people there too, lots of smart women. My whole entire department is women. I'm the only guy. Um, what we all have a problem, myself included, and probably myself more than others, is smart people have a problem thinking they know everything. Like, like you have your area of expertise, and then it's like, oh, I'm an expert in this one thing, so I must be able to be an expert in all of the things. Yeah. And it's not true. Big problem in academia, big problem. Huge. Like I have so many, you know, PhD friends that just think, you know, we have a PhD, you have a PhD, so it's like I know everything about everything. And it's like, well, no, your expertise is like this one area. It's like you're smart, but you don't know everything, right? And it's actually something my mom used to say to me as a kid. Um, and I don't know if I was possibly bringing your mom in today, huh?

SPEAKER_01 13:10

Now we're bringing your mom in. Look at this.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

Here's what a PhD does, though, Adam. I'm not gonna blame her, I'm gonna give her credit.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

And so you are so smart, Gary. Oh my god, you just you are a genius. Tell me more.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

She would say being smart is knowing what you don't know, right? Yeah, it's like you have to be like when you're smart, you it's easy to think you know everything, but it's like really actually being smart is knowing like what your limitations are, know the areas that you don't know things because then you can actually learn more. And like that's intellectual humility. And it's something we don't bring enough into our relationships. Like we want partners who are humble. Like we we want them to not feel like they know everything about us or know everything about love or everything about relationships. We want partners who know the limitations of their knowledge, we want partners who consider other perspectives and can admit wrongdoing, don't think they have all the answers. Um, and they just we want somebody who's curious because if you don't know everything, you need to be curious so that you can find out the things you do not know. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Yeah. And it it's tricky if you're especially if you're a bit older. I mean, we we have all these, um, you know, we of course have a coaching program with love strategies, and we do these love strategy sessions to see if a client is a if a person is a good potential fit as a client. And the one thing that will disqualify someone as a client is if they come onto this love strategy session and say, Look, I've been married three times, I already know everything about relationships, I've read every single book, I'm doing all the right stuff. I just need to know where to meet men. And we're like, if you're not open to some different strategies, and and if you're not open to having some humility and realize that, hey, I'm a part of this problem, then we can't help you. We cannot help you. And those those types of clients, those type of prospects that we talk to, they're the worst if they do sign on with us, they're the worst clients because they they battle. I mean, you've seen, and this is very rare because we don't typically enroll that type of person, but like they'll they'll battle you on every type of coaching, coaching advice you give them. They just like are very they just they have no humility and they wonder why they're doing the same thing over and over again and um and don't get any results. It's it's challenging.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Yeah, you end up being very close-minded. The benefits of intellectual humility is you're able to see what you're screwing up, you're open to feedback, you have more empathy, you have more emotional intelligence because you're trying to understand how other people feel. You're also able to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. It's like you don't have to know everything all the time. And it's you're okay kind of going into something not knowing and being willing to figure it out as you go. Um, and the research on intellectual humility shows like people who have humility have less contentious arguments. Because if you're if you have humility, you're not going into every argument trying to prove that you're right and the other person's wrong. You're actually just trying to understand. And that's a very different approach to conversations with your partner. Um, when you have better arguments with your partner, guess what happens? Uh, you're more satisfied in your relationship. And so this isn't just a dating thing. This is just like this is a a dating phenomenon that translates into long-term relationship success.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah.

unknown 16:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

I mean, look, we're going to a political season, so uh podcast wouldn't be right without talking about politics. But it's like, have you ever talked to someone who just has all the answers when it comes to politics? There and they know everything, every senator that backs their opinion, they know every single, they're just the smartest person in the world, but they're just missing the big picture. And you're like, they can't even listen to anything that might oppose their potential opinion, whether it's on the right or left or whatever. I don't, I'm not getting into sides here. It's just like there are some people who just they don't have the humility to be like, hey, I'm I'm open. I want to hear other perspectives. I'm willing to change my mind. And I think in if in relationships you can bring the energy, which is just I'm open, I want to hear your perspective. Maybe I'm seeing things from the wrong lens. Um, hey, guess what? You can have a great relationship and a great connection. And I think we can also bring that energy, just this is now this is an ultimate side tangent, but just bring it into political season when you're talking to people about politics and and really any area of life.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

Yeah, I mean, the I I say this as students and and people all the time. The only way to be 100% certain of anything is to not have all the facts. Like nothing is that sure, nothing is that certain. And so, you know, nobody likes a know-it-all. And so, you know, we're we're talking about this in terms of, you know, what is something men want in a partner? And for sure, men want intellectual humility, but this is also something like everybody should want for themselves. And this is something every woman listening to this podcast should want in her male partner as well. Because I mean, no one's more of a know-it-all than a guy. Like guys are the classic know-it-alls. Like, guys are full of confidence about things they have no knowledge about whatsoever, right? I mean, women generally are more um have more humility than men just automatically. And so, you know, we talk about this from one side because this is a podcast for women, but you know, make sure you're looking for guys that have their fair share of intellectual humility as well. It's super important for both partners.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Well, I think a lot of men would define masculine energy as being highly decisive, right? Perhaps stubborn in some ways, just being very strong-minded, like you know the answer. And then, like, and and that would be how some people might define it. I wouldn't define masculinity in that. We're actually going to talk about that on a future podcast, difference between boys and men, um, which would be interesting. But you know, the reality is being masculine is actually being open-minded and being willing to listen to other people and bring them into the conversation and having the emotional fortitude to be wrong and be able to handle it as a man, you know, and so it definitely goes both ways. And you're right, men are if I had to choose a gender who's worse at this, it'd definitely be men for sure. For sure. Yeah, I was such a no-doll in my 20s, man. Oh my god. Like my first two years as a coach were my ultimate, I had the answers to everything. I understood love, dating, relationships. I I knew I was I was like a a guru in my eyes, and it's like every year that goes on, it's actually like becomes more and more nuanced and more and more complicated. And like conversations like this, they go longer and longer because it's it's just not the world, it's not as straightforward as you think, and the less you know, the more you think you know. That's always true. There's a psychological bias. There's a definition for this, isn't there, Gary? Like the more that you know about it, it's like there's an expertise.

SPEAKER_02 20:01

The Dunning Kruger, the Dunning Kruger is the less you know, the more confident you are.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yes, the less you know, the more confident you are, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:08

And so, you know, it goes the other way too. And you know, as you you learn more and more about something, you just know there's no simple answer. It's like, you know, I say to people all the time, if someone's offering you a simple solution, like in a snap is gonna fix your relationship, they're leaving a lot out and they're taking chances with your future because it's just it can't be that simple. Like you have to understand the nuances, you want to understand the strategies, pluses and minuses. There's a lot that goes into it, and then you have to then apply it to your unique situation. And so, you know, it it takes some professionalism, it takes some expertise to really help thread that needle. Yeah, amen. All right, so another trait that people don't talk about enough, something that men really want in women. Give it to me, Gary. Let's hear it.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

Safety.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Safety. And that seems weird, right? Like, guys want safety because how could a woman be unsafe? Like, what are you actually gonna do? And so it's not physical safety, right? It's emotional safety. And again, like you kind of think like emotional safety, like guys are like these are tough, like they're they're they're they're so like held back with holding with holding their emotions. Like, why do they need safety? And it's like guys actually want to open up, they want to have an emotional connection, they haven't been taught to have these emotional connections, but they still every human wants that, and so what they really want from their partner is a partner who sets up an environment that's conducive to sharing and emotional vulnerability, and that vulnerability requires safety. And so when guys open up and guys are a little bit vulnerable, and guys aren't the most manly man you've ever seen, you can't shame them, emasculate them, even tease them about it. It's at least especially early on in our relationship. Because you know, as we say all the time, there's nothing more fragile than a male ego.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Right. Yeah. So you have to be careful. And and like I don't this is one perspective that I think women can't fully take into account is when you're a guy growing up, when you start to show emotions or show vulnerability, um you are either called weak, you might be called gay, which for a lot of heterosexual men is like a a huge concern, especially when you're younger. Um, obviously not saying it is, but that is a huge fear for men. And so we put up this wall of like, we don't want to share, we don't want to let that out there. But if you're with the right woman where it's like, hey, stuff's going on in my life, like I have some challenges, I want to talk about it. And she's all ears, like she wants to listen, she wants to understand, and she's there for you. That is something that men deeply desire. And I'll tell you what, like, I have been with women who will shut you down and be like, be more of a man. And like, I'm not that emotive. Like, I'm sure there are men on the scale that are like highly emotional and like really want to share. That is not my style. Generally, I'm like probably in the middle to less emotive than most men. Um and I've heard that from women who are like, nah, suck it up, suck it up, be a man, you know.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Well, and it's it's this kind of thing that has trickle-down effects, and trickle-down effects, and it could be in a minute, it could be a next day, it could be in a week, and you just you just don't know. And it's it sounds like something that wouldn't happen that much. But I the reason I thought about this one is this summer, we were on vacation with a couple other families, we're at the outer banks, huge house, and we're on the night before we have to leave where everybody's packing up. And this is I think there are like 15 of us in this house, and so everybody's packing, like women are putting stuff together, guys are taking stuff out to the car. It's a three or four-story house, so there's an elevator in the house. And this one guy, another couple, he's packing up all the stuff and he's loading in the elevator and he's taking it down. And it's the it's it's not like a real elevator, it's like super slow, it takes forever. His wife gets impatient and says, Why are you using the elevator for that stuff? I can't believe you're doing that. Gosh, all right, I'm taking these next boxes and I'm gonna take them down the front steps like a man. Oh, and like everything was like going fine until then. And that like just kind of like sparked something, and then it just they were like at each other the rest of the time, and it just you don't realize like how those, and it's like I think you kind of hear that on the outside, and everyone on the outside is like exactly your reaction, like, yeah, ouch, that one that one cut. But it's like did he say try it? Let's see it.

SPEAKER_01 24:48

She just did. She did. Did she do it? She carried it down, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:53

Did sun's out, guns out, just like right on, right on down the front steps. But it's like, he like, why? Like, why do that? Like, okay, like he was going slightly, it just it's unnecessary. And sometimes we think, like, oh, he's big, and he is, I don't know, six, five, two, like he's ja, he's a big dude, and she just kind of like took a chance to just needle him with it, and it's like, no, like that's what I mean. It's like you think that that doesn't have an effect, but like those kinds of things, like it's gonna make him think about being vulnerable because she called into question his manhood in another context. Like, oh that stuff lingers, it lingers definitely for for forever.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

I mean, it especially if she's willing to say that, then behind closed doors, she's probably a monster, and she is probably really constantly pushing his buttons when it comes to his masculinity. And um, she's I you know, I don't want to speak too negatively about her because I don't know her, she's your friend, so maybe she's listening. But hopefully she can get something from this where it's like stepping into your feminine at certain moments is actually very important. Let him step step into his masculine if you're constantly doing that and emasculating him. Guess what? The relationship is gonna be lopsided and um it's it's not gonna last. There's no way.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Yeah, and at some point it it just becomes about basic micromanaging is just like let it go. Yeah, let him do that piece however he wants to do that piece, and you do your piece however you want to do your piece, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:17

It's yeah. Well, it's like the average human being is dealing with so much crap in their everyday life, whether it's work or anything happening, um, where you your one safe space should be your relationship. Like that should be the one place where it's like, you're like, it's okay. I can kind of talk about whatever it is. I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide this kind of emotion that I'm going through, this challenge I'm going through because I would look less like a man. Like you just want that to be like the one place where you can just kick off the boots, put your feet up on the couch and be like, man, this is what I'm going through. And for someone to be like, I'm here for you.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

Well, and women, I think Yeah, yeah. Well, I think women have to remember that for guys, they are likely that guy's only real deep best friend. Right. As the female, you're the one person in his life. He has guy best friends, but they do like guy stuff, like they're still not being emotionally vulnerable in those times. But like with you, you're the one. Maybe his mom, too. That probably not a great, but let's say, but you're the one that he gets to do this with. Um, and so that actually brings us to the fourth trait, which is guys are looking for female partners who are authentically vulnerable, they have a high degree of authentic vulnerability. And so we blame guys all the time for not being emotionally unavailable. And to be fair, they've earned it, a lot of them. Oh, yeah. And so, you know, women, women need to be emotionally vulnerable too. And I I know a lot of you listening to this right now are like, well, of course, I'm emotionally vulnerable, I'm not the problem. He's the problem. Okay, probably more of the problem, but just because you've constantly dated guys who are less emotionally vulnerable than you, it doesn't mean that you're like emotionally available. It doesn't mean like you're the world's best person when it comes to dealing with emotions. And so you have to recognize that even if you've been better than your male partners at being emotionally available, right? You can still be better, and maybe that is something to work on to be more attractive to guys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

I mean, I just I can think of so many women that I've dated where it's like this incredibly hard shell that they have around them. And you know once you crack through that shell, it's it's gooey and warm and fuzzy on the inside. But oh my god, that shell is just stopping that connection. And I get it, that shell has been created from so many men breaking up with them or cheating on them or pulling away, and just life happens, maybe a death in the family. You just create this shell where you're just like protecting yourself. But um, if a guy is showing up for you, he's taking you out, he's gone on three, four dates, he's investing in you, he wants to see more of you. He's clearly has relationship intent. Like, hey, we gotta we gotta give a little bit here because he's just gonna move in a different direction. If he doesn't feel that warm and fuzzy, if he doesn't see that vulnerable side of you, if he doesn't see those imperfections, if you all he sees is just this like facade of perfection where you don't want to share anything about you that might be a little bit off color. Like, good luck. You're not gonna build a real connection. And men really do desire this. It's not something like men will outwardly vocalize, they won't be like, oh, I want a woman who's vulnerable, but this is the type of woman that if she is vulnerable and they really connect on something, he'd be like, Oh, this is the this is wife material. This is the type of woman I want to marry, you know?

SPEAKER_02 29:52

And and because women generally are the more emotionally available, the more emotionally vulnerable one in a heterosexual relationship, it's not an area that you even think to work on. And so a lot of times when we think about things to work on in relationships, it's like, what's an area of distinct weakness that I need to fix? And that's one way to do it. This is this is a time where it's like, no, this is actually an area of relative, relative strength. How can you improve this? How can you lean into this even more? And so I think a lot of times, because women don't think about how emotionally available they are, um, they misread some signs. And so one way that people kind of engage, particularly on first dates and things, is just being really chatty and really talkative and asking a lot of questions. And that feels like emotional availability, but it's actually not because you're keeping the conversation away from yourself by asking your guy, what do you do for work? What do you do? Like, and just keep peppering with questions and just filling the air with lots and lots of talking. Right. It feels like you're really making progress, but you're actually not. The other thing is like a lot of the talk that you do, you can talk about really shallow topics, current events and all that stuff, but like without ever really getting into deep conversation, deep topics. So you need to give what you want to get. And so for women, like being more emotionally available is opening yourself up. You start talking about some personal things about yourself and then get him to reciprocate. Don't expect him to take the lead on emotional availability because he's not going to. Yeah. Most likely.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

You have to take the lead. Even just think of like if two people are dating and someone says, you know, I really like you a lot. You're an amazing person. I'm really starting to grow some feelings for you. Think of which gender do you think would say that first? I feel like I think of the man would say that first. Women don't say that for whatever reason. And like that's vulnerability where a man is actually showing that interest. And I think women give themselves a lot of credit on being vulnerable, but really only vulnerable in the ways that society says is okay. Like, there are ways that you can be we can be vulnerable where it means you're really taking a risk and you're putting yourself out there and you're sharing something about yourself, about the connection that you're feeling. Like, I recommend doing that. We we teach that when you're in little of step five. You've gone out with a guy a number of times, give him those signals, take that risk, share that uh that those feelings about him. Not over the top, but like you can say to a guy, like, you're a really special guy, and I really like you a lot. I'm excited to see where this goes. Women don't do that very often, like that's usually the man, and so that's an example of a vulnerability where you're really taking a risk, also being vulnerable about like like you said, sharing something about your past that is not necessarily so perfect. Maybe you had confidence issues growing up, maybe something happened to you growing up. These are not things you're gonna share necessarily on a first date, but as the relationship progresses, third, fourth date, and beyond, like that's where like the real connection exists. And that's what men and women are all just like dying for, is that type of real connection. And I think it's it's kind of a lost art these days, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

Yeah, you have to be willing to share insecurities.

unknown 33:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

Right. And and that starts with really knowing yourself and have you done the work necessary to really get to know yourself, to be comfortable with who you are. Because if you're comfortable with who you are, then you're okay sharing insecurities because you know what they are, you accept them and you're working on them, but it's not threatening to you. And so a lot of times people that say, like, I'm emotionally available, they haven't actually done some of that work. And so they're not emotionally available in the ways that they need to be to really help that relationship progress. Because one of the things we know from uh relationship science research is this kind of disclosure is mutually transformative. And what that means is the more you share emotional information, the closer you and the other person become. Right. But it goes the other way too. As you become closer to somebody else, the more comfortable you are sharing emotional information. And so if you're withholding emotional information, and he's certainly going to probably be holding withholding more than you are, it's actually limiting the closeness that you guys can share together. And so I say it a lot, I say a lot in my program, Relationship Synergy, but you have to give what you want to get. And particularly when it comes to being authentically vulnerable, women really have to take the lead.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree. And if you know, if a tactic you can use when you're talking to someone, tell them, look, I want to tell you something I've never told anyone before in my life. If you start out a sentence like that, whatever you say at that point, you're gonna be building a deeper connection, right? And and don't use it as like some like tact, like cheesy tactic. Legitimately share something you've never shared with someone before, right? And they're gonna be like it almost feels like you're like an insider now. You have this inside connection that no one else knows about, and it's just you two, you two against the world. And and it's uh it's a powerful way of of building that connection. So yeah, this is this is really important when you're getting out there. So good stuff.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

And yeah, and if you know, this is one of those things where you're like, I don't know what I would even say. That means like so much of this work that you have to do is work you do on your own that's even before you get into a relationship, before you're sitting across from that person. Like, spend some time getting to know yourself. What we talk about in terms of being relationship ready, um, and and kind of building your own confidence because it's gonna make all these other things easier. So, you know, there's lots of things that other people talk about that men are looking for. And, you know, hopefully a lot of these insights that we share with you today are things you haven't thought of, but now it's gonna give you a little bit more to think about. So uh you can get out there and uh find the love of your life.

SPEAKER_01 35:51

Love it. Thank you, Gary, and uh talk to you all soon. All right, bye, bud. All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far, it's time to take some action. So, what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com. It's gonna walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action, go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you. Loveapply.com and uh yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye.