SPEAKER_00 0:00

Ladies, raise your hand if you've ever dated the wrong man before. Well, if your hand is raised, chances are you've talked yourself into dating that guy. And in today's podcast, Gary and I are gonna give you four signs that you have talked yourself into dating the wrong man. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary, are you raising your hand over there? Have you ever dated the wrong? I've never dated the wrong man. Okay. Maybe the wrong woman?

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Wrong woman?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Two hands. Two hands up. Two hands.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

High five. All fingers up, baby.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

High five. Um, yeah, and not only the wrong man, but I also think there's like a kind of guy and a kind of relationship that you get into that's like the guy's gonna wreck your life. He's gonna break your heart. He's not just gonna break your heart, he's gonna trample all over it, and it's gonna be bad. And there's a way that this happens. And it's it's not the obvious guy. It's not the guy with the clear red flags and the clear problems because you know better, like you can avoid that guy. The guy that truly wrecks your life is gonna be a guy that frankly you talk yourself into a little bit. The damage that he's doing along the way, it's subtle and it slowly accumulates. And like every little bit that happens is something you can excuse. It's something you can, again, talk yourself into. And these guys aren't all bad. That's what makes it tricky is there's some good, there's some bad, it's all mixed in. And so, you know, so many podcasts out there talk about look for these red flags. And it's like, yeah, I get it. I mean, like, that's that's something you do want to look for. But like some of it is, you know, some things that you're doing and some of the processes you're going through and and things that seem innocent that are actually getting you into trouble. And so we're going there today. That's what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

And yeah, I get it. We've all been in relationships that start out really great and you feel like everything's going really well, but then you see something and you're like, I don't know about this, but I am really attracted to this guy. The sex is really good, everything is really flowing. I'm gonna ignore that, but not today. That is our goal today is to really give you the personal power to be able to recognize those moments and be able to then take real action in your love life, not just justify it and say everything's great and you know, tell your friends how great this guy is. No, let's take a hard look at that because I will assure you this one thing your future self will thank you. Your future self will thank you by saying, Wow, great, you saw that red flag, you avoided disaster.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Yeah, and I think this is like one of those things is, you know, if you've I know many of our listeners have had this exact experience where they've ended up with the wrong guy and it's been devastating. Others who are listening are thinking, well, that it's not me. That's not it hasn't happened to me, but it is something that can happen to anyone because a lot of times what's happening, it's you know, other people will see it, but because you're in the relationship, because you have feelings for this guy, you're not gonna see it, right? It's impossible for you to see. It's a blind spot. And so you know he's not perfect, and you see, but you see all the good things and you excuse a lot of the bad ones. Um, you also, I think this is, and this part is important is you take on a lot because it feels good to be the capable one. You're patient, you're understanding, you're giving someone the benefit of the doubt. You're nice and kind and caring, and all that's great. But every once in a while, when it comes to the wrong guy, your virtues, all that good stuff that goes into making you amazing, they become weaponized against you. And that is how you get stuck with the wrong guy. That's how you talk yourself into that wrong guy. And so we're gonna talk about the signs and the patterns that can get you into trouble.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Which I think leads us really well to the first sign, which is what we're calling the therapist trap. This is where you fall into kind of the role of being a therapist. Like you're nice, you're caring, and you have an ability to really connect with people. You have so much empathy. And again, not all therapists have a ton of empathy, but let's just take the case that this is a high empathy therapist, and you really like get to a point where you're understanding him, you understand exactly why this guy is the way he is, his childhood, his trauma, his ex, his family, his attachment style, his fear of vulnerability. You get it, and your heart goes out to him. You care, you really do. But the problem is because you recognize the reason, the deeper side of who he is, because you understand that, you excuse the result, you excuse his behavior, you excuse his lack of standards in his life and in relationships. And this is the therapy trap that we need to avoid, like the plague.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Yeah, you can't let your amazing amount of empathy substitute your standards. You still need to have standards, right? Because if you start doing that and you start just feeling bad for him, you're no longer his partner. You become his therapist, his mother, his defender, all in one. Feeling bad isn't the same thing as feeling love. And here is what I think is, if not the most dangerous phrase in all of relationships, definitely top three. Most dangerous phrase in any relationship that's gonna get you into trouble is, and this sounds innocent, and I promise you it's not. I can make this work. You look at a guy, it's not quite right, and you say to yourself, I can make this work. I can, and uh maybe you can. Maybe you can. But here's the thing: if you can, it's only for a little while, it's only for a bit, it's not forever. And it's not the start of any good love story. It just isn't. Like no one starts this amazing, healthy relationship with, like, you know what, I can make that, yeah, okay, I can make this work, right? Compassion's great, but the best relationships are between people who are partners, they're equals, right? It's it's it's us together. Um, it's got to work for you. It can't just be you dragging this guy through a relationship. That's you've had that relationship before. You didn't like it. No one does. And so here's the strategy, here's the solution. You have to remind yourself you are not a rehabilitation center for broken men. This is not your life's work. It's not your life's work to fix him up and make him dateable, fix him up and make him able to have a long-term relationship. So I want you to start catching yourself in this pattern. And the next time you catch yourself, and it's gonna be soon because you you're probably doing a little bit more than you think, is ask yourself, is quote unquote making this work really smart? And does this relationship, does this guy actually meet my love vision? Is this actually what I'm looking for? Is this actually what I want? Not that you can convince yourself and make it work, but is it actually what you want?

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Stop trying to fix people. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You can't do it. There is a point in life where I it probably took me until I was about 40. So I'm I'm it's very recent where I realized you either accept someone for who they are or you remove them from your life, right? It's a very simple choice. Either, but the the last thing I'm gonna do is waste the very small amount of emotional energy I have in my life trying to constantly fix everyone in my life. And I think I personally fall into this trap. I'm sure you do, Gary, because by nature, we are by profession, we are coaches. That is what we're hired to do, and so we we thrive off that. We love that. But in our personal lives and our romantic lives, you have to get to a point where you just say, This is what I've got, this is who I'm dealing with. I either lean in and accept that person for who they are, or I just leave it. Yeah, but the worst, this is such a trap trying to just constantly fix people because you really cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

That's you're so right though. I definitely fall for this because I'm somebody like I'm that person, I love a challenge. I like a challenge, like that puzzle. I like something to kind of like see if I can figure it out. And I like to believe that you know, there's nothing I can't try to accomplish, right? It's like I and I think so many of our clients will fall into that same trap of like, just because you can doesn't mean you should. Right? It doesn't mean just because you can fix a guy, perhaps, it doesn't mean you should try. There's a time and a place. Your relationship is not the time or the place to be trying to do that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

So and just as a quick resource for everyone listening in, we have a very quick assessment that you can take that will tell you why it is that you're attracting certain types of guys, why it is that you're choosing certain types of guys. And if you're one of these four attraction archetypes, you're going to finally understand how to open your heart to the right guys. So you're not wasting your time trying to fix broken men. You can start leaning into the right types of guys. It's called the attraction archetype quiz. And if you head on over to attractiontype.com, we'll leave a link in the description. It's a very short quiz. And then we have a quick training video that explains exactly why it is that you're, you know, ignoring these red flags and where to start putting your energy. Suddenly you're going to be able to open your heart to great relationships and great partners. So again, check that out. I think that'll be really helpful for y'all.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

So here's the second way you talk yourself into the wrong guy. You start falling for a fiction. And what I mean by that is one of the ways you can make it all work, right? Is you start explaining his behavior. You have stories, you have justifications for everything. Sometimes that's obvious and easy to spot, other times it's not. So I think what happens a lot of times is you experience what I call love story drift, right? This is like how you describe him and the relationship over time. And it's it's this subtle way you start lowering your standards. And the way I've seen it happen is something a little bit like this. Your guy does something and you say, Well, he's just going through a hard time. And the next time you justify it by saying he's just healing from his past. And then the next time it's he's trying, it's just it's just gonna take him longer. I get it. I I understand. The next time it's he'll get there, I just have to be more patient. The next thing is he's a lot better than other guys. Yeah, so he's not great, but he's a lot better than other guys. And then the last one is okay, I probably in three months, three months, that's when he'll have it. That's when he'll actually start texting me back, being nice and respectful and being the good guy that I know I want. And so you notice what's going on. They're constantly moving the goalposts. Every few months it shifts. His behavior doesn't change, he doesn't need to. You keep making excuses for him. So you actually are making excuses to justify his behavior, and actually that makes him less likely to change his behavior. Because why would he have to? You're really good at helping him make excuses, and so you're doing PR for someone who's not improving. It's counterproductive, just not gonna work. So, you know, you fall into like this thing, it's like the almost effect. You're living a relationship of almost. He's almost there, it's almost good. We're almost in a good place, it's almost working. We almost are in love, we almost are actually in a healthy relationship. And the brutal truth about almost is almost can last for years. It's it's even it's forever, almost can last forever. And it focuses your attention on something in the future that may never ever happen.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Terrible. It's so I love that it's like PR with a bad story. It's like it's like being if for those who have ever been in sales or marketing, it's like if you work for a company where you're selling just a crappy product, it's like selling a mug here that I have. You're like, this is the best product ever, but it like leaks every day. And you're like, I swear, at some point they're gonna fix the leak, it'll be better. It's not gonna spill all over me with like hot coffee and scald me. Um, it's it really is. It you're like you're selling yourself into the idea that this guy will finally show up for you. And if you're finding that you have to be selling yourself over and over and over again, then realize that you're just selling the idea of this guy. You know, you're you're selling the attachment. It's not good.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

And the the fundamental problem is you don't love him, you love the idea of him. The him that you actually love does not exist. You are becoming and allowing yourself to become emotionally attached to a future version, possible future version of him that may never actually come into existence. And that's easy because you don't have to test it because it's always right around the corner. It's this promise that's never gonna happen. And so we can't date based on hope. You have to date based on reality, and if that's tough. And if you're falling yourself into this trap, you are talking yourself into something that's just not gonna happen. And so what you have to do strategically is get get refocused on reality. And so start writing down, keep track like what's actually going on in this relationship. Like an outside objective reporter, just you know, cataloging the events of the day, the events of the week, the events of the month, write just write things down and then ask yourself if a stranger read this list, would they look at that list and be like, yeah, that's a good partner? I I bet they wouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

I just bet they wouldn't. I bet they wouldn't. And for many who are listening in, uh, I know many of you might be clients as well, because I know many of our clients listen to this. If you are a client, be sure to use our AI chatbot. Her name is Sage. And for those who are not a client, that's okay. I'll tell you about Sage. Sage is basically a combination of all the knowledge across love strategies. Gary, myself, the coaches, and it's like Chat GPT on steroids designed specifically for love strategies and gets to know you on a deep emotional level. And what I love seeing in the chat conversations, because we can we can monitor them on the back end. Gary and I only us will see them, but we'll see that they'll talk very objectively to Sage and Sage will call them out. And there's like a perfect moment where I feel like just check in with Sage, be like, you know what, he's doing this, he's doing that, this is what's happening. And it can hold you accountable in a very private space to share what's going on. And Sage, she'll give you very objective uh advice on what to do next with this particular guy.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Yeah, because this is where coaches and outsiders are super helpful. Because, you know, as we I say to clients all the time, is like sometimes I can be kind of annoying because I'll tell you how it is, because I only care about what's best for you. Um, it's tough when you ask your friends and family because they have kind of a vested interest and they're playing that game of like, I don't want to tell them the truth because if they don't listen to me, they're gonna hate me for telling them the truth, right? And that's it's just a tough place to get advice from. So um the next way we talk ourselves into the wrong guy. This is the third way, is what I call the crumbs of chemistry. And so the really terrible partners are not 100% terrible, they're not all bad, and that makes it really hard to make a firm decision because even the world's worst partner has their moments, their moments of clarity, the glimpses of good partner is in there. Um, so a lot of times these guys are inconsistent, but with really good timing. And so what I mean by that is, you know, these guys generally don't treat you well, but does just enough at the exact right moment to keep you invested, right? It's a great date night after a really bad week. It's a really nice text after days of weird silence and him disappearing. It's a moment of tenderness just when you're about to walk away. Like you've convinced yourself this is over, I'm done. And then right as you're about to do that, he's like, sweet, like he can sense it. Like he's got this sixth, like terrible partner sense of like you're about to like cut things off, and all of a sudden he's like amazing and kind, right? And so the problem is these kinds of guys have you on an emotional installment plan, they're giving you just enough, and it feels like progress. Every time he does something good, you're like, oh, here it is. He's turned the corner. It's it's happening. It isn't. It gives you just enough hope for the future. It shouldn't. Because what's happening is what research and we know from psychology is like you're basically on this intermittent reinforcement schedule, and so that just keeps you hooked, right? It's like a you know, a slot machine of love that's like we don't know when it's gonna hit, and we just know it's gonna happen. And these unpredictable rewards keep us responding more and more.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Gary, I was just in Aruba with Jessica, and let me tell you, we went to the casino, and there is a slot machine with a little piggy that it looks like it's about to burst every time you do a three-dollar spin, and that piggy never freaking bursts, man. It just it just doesn't burst, but it might, but it might, and it's like it celebrates, and I'll do my three dollar spin, and then it gives me back 20 cents. And I'm like, oh wait, it's about to, it's about to. And oh my god, Gary, I'm such a sucker. Like $300 later. It's the never burst, it's the dope. It's the dope. It's so true.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

You're you're chasing, and and you know, here's here's the huge, huge insight, right? Write this down. Consistently good is better than occasionally great. If you actually embody this and really pursue this in dating, consistently good is better than occasionally great, that's gonna save you so much heartache because baselines matter more than peaks. The floor matters more than how amazing. If you have a guy who is solidly, consistently good, that's amazing. And that's better than having somebody who's terrible to you for 29 terrible days, and then on one day a month is just like the world's best boyfriend. That's not healthy, right? And so the strategy with this one is like track, track is track what's going on. Sometimes like putting things down on paper really helps us be more objective, right? What's how do you feel in this relationship each day for a month? Do it for 30 days, not the highlights, just the baseline. And so, what does an average Tuesday look like for you? That's the stuff of long-term love. Like, what are we doing on a consistent basis?

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Yeah, I think this is what differentiates humans dating when we're in our teens and our early 20s from those who date as adults. When when we're younger in your early 20s, you're you're chasing the occasionally great. You want the peaks because that's what you're doing. You're learning the limits, you're trying to figure it out, and you're like, you know what, whatever. This guy, he might be totally flaky, but oh my god, he plays guitar in front of hundreds of people. He's so sexy, he's fun. I get to see him every couple months. Fine, go for it when you're in your early 20s, but when you're dating your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond, and you want stability and security and a long-lasting, healthy relationship, then it's time to look for consistency. And look, it might not be as exciting as that rock star guy who is, you know, he has his night with you and and it's wild and crazy, it's fun, it's electric, pun intended. Um, but it it you know, it it might be it might not be as exciting as that, but what it will do is give you the right type of baseline and security. Um, because at the end of the day, healthy relationships do tend to be a little bit boring on a Tuesday night, and that's the beautiful part about it, right? This is like terrible marketing for love right now, but it's really true. Healthy relationships can be boring, and that's a good thing because if it's constantly peaks and valleys, that's the emotional roller coaster that drives you crazy. Yeah, you can't live that forever, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:39

Like the emotional roller coaster is gonna you want to get off that ride at some point. Like a roller coaster is fun to go on once, but then can you imagine riding it like 10 times in a row for 10 years? Like it's just like not gonna do it. And also, I have to say, I love how in your portrayal of your 20s and the guy who plays guitar that he's playing to hundreds of people, because most of the time that guy is playing to like three guys in his basement or you know, four people around a burn barrel in his backyard, and you're like, and you know what happens is you talk yourself into like, yeah, he's got talent, he's got potential, he's going somewhere. And it's like, no, no, he's not. He's actually not good at guitar. But I think like that's what happens, like, you know, in your 20s, you are looking for those peak experiences, and sometimes some of that bleeds into the future, and you you try to you turn this guy into something he's not, and that's where it gets kind of dangerous in the sense that you get yourself trapped. Um, speaking of danger, this the fourth way that you kind of talk yourself into these bad relationships is the worst one, is absolutely clearly above and beyond the worst one. I didn't want to put this first because it like, I don't know, but it's kind of it's serious in the sense that the the fourth one is the subtle erasure. And this is where you stop being. Yourself to make it work. And you've heard us say on this piece, if you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you've heard us say this many times. You need a partner. Your ideal partner is someone who makes you feel seen, heard, understood, and fully accepts you for who you are. That is the goal. That is the only kind of partner we would accept. That's the only kind of person we we want to date. But this is what happens is you start cutting corners, you start making exceptions. The guy who's going to wreck your life encourages you to not be you. And 99 times out of 100, it's not explicit. It's not like he says, you know, don't be you, stop being you. But here's the thing is if he ever does say that, you're you're automatically out. Run. You got to get out of that. But so even though this guy may not tell you, like, you have to change who you are, you're gonna feel it. You're gonna feel his judgment. You're gonna feel this sense of there's a fight that you know that's gonna happen if you say the wrong thing. You know he's gonna feel disappointed if you don't act what he considers right. And so you see the problem, right? When I talk about it this way, everyone on this, everyone listening to this can see this problem. When you're in it, it's a little harder. But that's why you want to make sure you're really paying attention to this so that you do see the pattern. Because the problem here is what we call in research self-silencing. You abandon who you really are to be a version that he finds more acceptable.

unknown 23:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

I had a client that made me think of this, and that's why I put it in this in this podcast. She was talking about, you know, in her old relationship, and she was talking about it on a mastermind, like what she's learned from the program. And it was, it was actually really profound. So I wrote this quote down, which is my old relationship only worked when I hid my true feelings. And I was like, oh, what a good realization. It's she didn't see it in the moment, but she sees it now because she's learned in our program what a healthy relationship looks like. And now she's in a relationship. She's been in this relationship now for 11 months, amazing. But she was talking about this as like it was like night and day between these two things. And so make sure you're not erasing yourself in these relationships.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

You should be growing, you should be sharper, bolder, feel more alive, more natural, more fully yourself when you're in a great relationship. So we don't want to be editing ourselves before you speak. We don't want to have to avoid certain topics because you know that's going to trigger him and it's going to put him in a bad mood, you know. And if you've ever experienced this, you've probably gotten really good at being understanding him, understanding his feelings, understanding what makes him tick. And you're you're literally walking on eggshells all the time. You feel like kind of vaguely anxious in ways that you can't quite name because you know if you say the wrong thing, he's gonna snap. That's not what we want, right? We want to be in a relationship where suddenly you can be alive and be open and be really honest. Because if you're gonna be really honest in a relationship, sometimes you're just gonna say things that your partner does not want to hear. That's the only way it works, right? We're humans, we're flawed, we have crazy thoughts. I don't know about you, Gary, but I have crazy thoughts sometimes. And I'm like, I gotta get this out there, you know? And if you can't share that, then suddenly you're put into this trap of just the subtle eraser, the eraser. Like you uh you can't be able to be who you are at its core.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Well, and you do feel this, and it's like this chronic relationship stress that elevates your cortisol long term, affects your mood, affects your focus, decision making, even your physical health. And so, you know, our research shows like our relationships, when they're not going well, even if it's not explicit, even if it's not like big fights and drama, and sometimes people think that's the only way relationships can't go well. But if your relationship is making you feel like I've got to make myself smaller to make this relationship work, that's stressful. That's gonna elevate that cortisol, and you're you're gonna feel it. And so the strategy with this is really check in with yourself. Like, what have you stopped doing, saying, or expressing since this relationship started? In what ways are you know dimming your light or diminishing yourself? And then ask yourself why. Why are you doing that? And here's the other thing that I think is a really nice benchmark. Do you do any of this stuff with your best friend? And I almost guarantee you you do not. And there's a really good reason for that, and that's because your best friend, your female best friend, loves you for who you are, accepts you unconditionally, would actually fight a bear in your honor. Like they will do anything for you. Like, and that's they have your back because they really authentically like you for you. And like that is the benchmark, that is what we want from our romantic relationship partners, too.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Definitely. And look, for those listening in who are thinking to themselves, how did I talk myself so badly into the wrong relationship? Time and time again, how did I do this? For those who are thinking that, I just want to tell you, you're not alone. It's perfectly natural, it's part of human behavior for us to get drawn into relationships that are high chemistry but low compatibility. And what we do around here at Love Strategies is we're there as a third party to guide you and question some of these stories you might be telling yourself about the guys that you're dating. And that's incredibly valuable because here's the thing when Gary, myself, the entire staff here at Love Strategies, when we hear these stories and what's going on in your love life, we are not emotionally entrenched in it. We are not getting this the warm and fuzzies when we think about this guy. Cause guess what? We don't even know what this guy looks like half the time. We don't even know exactly, but we are there to say, hey, wait a second. What's really going on under the hood? Is that is that story you're telling yourself actually true? And we dive deeper on it. And this is a part of our coaching process that is incredibly helpful for our clients to second guess some of those stories you might be telling ourselves in a very healthy way so that we make decisions that lead you toward a long-lasting, healthy relationship that doesn't just last three months, but 30 years into the future and for the, of course, the rest of your life. And so if that sounds like a resource that'll be really helpful for you, and we know it is because that's what we do around here, then what I recommend you do is head on over to loveapply.com, where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session. And this is your first taster of how this goes, because our love strategist, the person you'll speak with one-on-one, if you're able to get a love strategy session, they will really speak to you frankly, directly, and understand why it is that we keep repeating the same wrong patterns and how it is that we can attract a healthy, longer-lasting relationship. And if at the end of that conversation we determine that executive love coaching is a fit, we will open our arms wide for you to come into Love Accelerator and really guide you every step of the way to finding the relationship you truly deserve. So again, head on over to loveapply.com, answer a few questions, book that love strategy session, and we will walk with you every single step of the way. We'll also leave a link in the description. Thank you, Gary. This was fantastic. Thanks, Adam.