SPEAKER_01 0:00

You know, we talk about in in psychology all the time. It's like words are cheap. You know, you really want to see what's going on with somebody. You gotta check behavior because people can say all kinds of things. I mean, we're we're pretty good with words. Um, but it's like, what are they actually doing? And that's we we also know in psychology it's it's a tried and true ism that we say all the time is you know, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So you gotta see what the guy's actually doing.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam LaDolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Alright, ladies, we have a really fun topic this today where we're gonna be talking about how to know if a man is falling in love. And we have the Dr. L, Dr. Gary Lewandowski to dive into this. Gary, how do you know if a man is falling in love? What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Easy. He just tells you, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

He just comes right out and he's like, hey, I love you.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

I I have a damning confession. I was deciding whether or not I wanted to tell this story, but I'm gonna tell you a very brief one, and that was I once told a woman that I was in love with her, and then I broke up with her a week later. It was like the worst moment of my life. It was the worst breakup ever. Because she was pressuring me to say it, so I said it, and then I walked away, and I was like, ooh, I did not mean that, and actually the way I'm feeling right now tells me something about this situation, and it was a terrible breakup, let me tell you. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Yeah, there's nothing worse than an I love you given under duress or under threat, right? I mean, those are not well-earned I love you's. Um ironically, had she just waited, there's a pretty decent chance you would have said I love you eventually, right? Being a guy we know from the research, guys they're pretty easy with their I love you's. They tend to say I love you pretty quickly, much more quickly than women. They tend to fall in love easier. And so it's just really probably would have been a matter of time. Now, do you have any idea or suspicions about why guys are so easy with their I love you's?

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Um well, is it lust or is it love? Is that the question, though? I don't I'm not really sure. What do you think? What's the research tell us?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

I mean it depends on, you know, like so so are you insinuating that maybe like some of these I love you's just aren't perfectly genuine and and from the heart? Is that what you might be suggesting?

SPEAKER_00 2:43

It is. I mean I think when we're in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, when we're in passionate love and we're just so over the top with someone, I think it can be easy to confuse lust with love or passionate love with real love. Because to me, love is can only happen when everyone's kind of taken their dating mask off and you've actually gotten to know who the person is, all their imperfections, all their realities. So yeah, I I do think that a lot of guys may fall in love faster. I think that may be true, and I've seen that data as well. But I also think guys just get really excited and might just be feeling this incredible, you know, um dopamine rush and and wanting to jump to it quicker. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Yeah, I mean it I I think for that for guys, love frankly is just simpler. Like it's more simplistic, like it's based more on and you said you know, love and lust. I think for guys, a lot of initial love, especially, like you said, is that passionate love, but it it's lust. And so as long as you know the partner is sufficiently attractive and there's a desire for physical intimacy, that you know, that I love you comes pretty easily, right? Because guys also kind of have a sense of like there's certain hurdles you have to get over, right? If you know if you if your partner is a successful, attractive woman, um, there's a pretty decent chance you're gonna have to have cleared the hurdle of I love you to really get to that deeper physical intimacy that maybe you're seeking.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

So you said men falling in love is simpler, and I agree with that based on my personal experience, but is there data that shows like what is it like for a woman falling in love? How is that more complicated? Tell me about that. I'm curious.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Yeah, I mean, so so for guys, it's it's much more romantic, and romantic in the sense that they think, you know, as long as you have love, your relationship, that that's all you need, right? And so um we fall in love, babe, we're good. The other stuff with the guys just don't worry about as much. Uh women though, they have a much longer list than you know, being in love is a a big part of it, but they also want things like him to have a job, him to have all of his teeth, like him to be a good person. Like, I mean, they're they just have a uh they've thought about relationships a lot more in their life. They they just they know what they want going in, and guys are a little bit kind of like grasping in the dark, not really knowing, and just like uh okay, I must love you.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Yeah. I think also women are just much more cautious of opening their heart because they've had so many moments where they've been like, okay, I'm gonna now open up to this guy, and I don't know if I can quite trust him or not, but it turns out all along that he was only looking for something a little bit more short term, or you know, things faded out pretty quickly. And I think that that's a pretty common story, and maybe likely a part of why women are like, hey, hold on a bit. Let's let's see if this thing is real. And that's definitely something we teach throughout the dating process. We call it pacing. Like slow it down. Let's see if this dude is for real, because ultimately, the only way to know if someone really is in love with you is through their actions, right? How are they actually showing up for you? And we call it audio versus video, right? Audio is talk, talk, talk, talk all day long. Oh, baby, I love you so much. You're so great, you're the greatest woman I've ever met, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there's the the video, right? And that's I think an easier, it's a more tried and true way of knowing if someone really loves you. Do they show up for you? Are they they for are they there for you? Do they want to actually spend time with you outside of the bedroom? Things like that. And um, I think that that's much more helpful when it comes to this conversation.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah, I I think women wisely have a little bit of a trust but verify process when it comes to kind of filtering through whether guys really love them or not. I mean, guys, guys are dumb in a lot of ways. Like, I mean, if they have this kind of strategy of like, oh, I'll just tell her I love her and that's gonna get me where I want to go, like, women are like five steps ahead of that most of the time. And so, you know, women smartly are kind of like, do you though? Um, but like you like you point out, there's some guys out there that are really good talkers, right? And they can talk a really good game and explain up and down how like they're they're just you know so in love, and then they can layer on the romance and and the grand gestures, the these hollow, empty things that makes it seem like love, um highly romantic types of things. But it's like what's the what's the real behavior? Like, what's really under this? Is this is this person, this guy who says he loves you, really treating you with respect? Is he making you a priority? Right? Is he sharing power with you, letting you make decisions? Is he willing to do things he doesn't actually really want to do for the good of the relationship? Like, not just you know, like things he wants to do, because everybody's good at that, but it's like, does he is he really willing to you know be a little uncomfortable, do things he doesn't want to do um for the good of you know your future relationship? And so it's like you said, that the video is more important than the audio. You know, we talk about in psychology all the time, it's like words are cheap. You know, you really want to see what's going on with somebody, you gotta check behavior because people can say all kinds of things. I mean, we're we're pretty good with words, um, but it's like, what are they actually doing? And that's we we also know in psychology it's it's a tried and true ism that we say all the time is you know, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So you gotta see what the guy's actually doing to really have a sense of where this is going.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Yeah, and we can have such blinders on when we're dating, right? And you might be like for the women out there, when you're dating a new guy, you might really like him and want to see past all this and just believe the words that he's saying. But it's really important to take try and take that those kind of blinders off as much as possible and take a look at what is he actually doing. And I think there's a few key ones that in particular, you know, you kind of mentioned a few of them, but one that I want to talk to that I think is really important when it comes to love. When someone is falling in love, I believe they really want to introduce you to their world. And like your family, your friends, um, even co-workers, like you're not it doesn't mean that this has to happen like within the first couple months of dating. I think it's pretty hard to fall in love with that quickly, anyways. It takes a little bit of time. But when you're really falling for a person and you s and ultimately you see a long future with that person, first thing you're gonna want to do is just bring them into your world, you know, and and you you're seeing his world, he's seeing your world. So um, I don't know. Did you do that with your wife pretty quickly, or or what was your experience?

SPEAKER_01 9:09

It's funny, when I when I met my wife, I actually heard my in-laws at the same time because they were helping her move in. Right. So I didn't actually get to meet them in person, but I heard them. So I knew a lot about them uh kind of going in. But yeah, I mean we introduced, you know, fairly quick. And that and that is such a clear hurdle, right? It's like we did introduce fairly quickly, and like let's be honest, we both dated women who we wanted no parts of introducing them to anybody.

unknown 9:35

Alright?

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Like there are certain women that were like, oh, these are the ones I can tell my friends about, or I can introduce to certain friends, or I can introduce to like my home friends or my family. You know, that there are certain women that you would uh want to take pictures with, and certain that you would avoid taking pictures with, right? Just because you know, there's certain things, it's like there's these like subtle indicators of commitment, and and you you'd want to be careful. And so that's where you know that that whole thing about behavior being important, it really is.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Yeah. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now? Pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast. Really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love. And uh, I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. And this one in particular as well, like if you're cautious about being played by a player for whatever, uh, whatever you want to call it, by a guy who's dating multiple women. Um a guy is not going to introduce multiple women to his friends and family. It's just not like he would never do that, right? So if if he is introducing you to his friends or family and saying, Hey, I've been dating her, we've been seeing each other and bringing you around, he's not going to be doing that with multiple people. And it's a very good leading sign. And the opposite of this is, of course, if you are nowhere even close to his world, you don't know anything about them. I was talking to a uh a woman the other day who literally been dating a guy for seven months and hadn't met any part of his world, like nothing. And there's been a lot of stuff going on, and once you're getting to that point, that's a concern. That's a major, major concern, major red flag. Um, and they were online dating, there was a long distance situation. There's so much wrong with this situation. She wasn't a client, uh, she was just a woman we were talking to. Um, but man, yeah, so that that's a big one.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Um, I was just gonna say, you know, we we talk a lot about behavior. Um one thing I do want to say though is that some words do matter, right? And so, you know, guys can kind of spin things lots of different ways, but the the kind of words that really do matter are, you know, is he talking about the future? Is he making plans for the future? Like really kind of thinking in that long range kind of way, and just generally, like, how much is he disclosing and sharing about himself? Yeah, because you know, like is everything superficial and just like how was your day, or is it, you know, this is what my family was like growing up, this is what I want for the future for myself? Like, how how many are you how much are you peeling back the layers of that onion and really getting to like know the guy? And how much is he actually sharing? Because again, it it's it's one of those indicators because people aren't super willing to go super deep with their self-disclosure with just random people and lots of people. I mean, they kind of reserve some of that stuff for their really important relationships, and so are you getting that kind of disclosure or are you not?

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Right. Yeah, like do you feel like you're dating a robot, right? Or just the person that there's just nothing there, and you're like, what I don't understand. Do you even have feelings? Do you have any emotions? And uh that's a lot of what our like female clients might go through if they're just with a guy who is purposely trying to make things unemotional. I've done that. I remember in my 20s when I was just trying to date and just like get out there, like I was purposefully not opening up about myself because I didn't want to feel feelings, truly. And on your point about words do matter, we have a saying in Love Accelerator, and that is that actions always speak louder than words, except in one scenario, there's an asterisk to this, and that is when he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. So if a guy is going out of his way to tell you point blank I don't want a relationship, I don't care if he is showing up doing all the grandest gestures in the world, listen to him. Because he at that point forward is absolved of any guilt for leading you on. Because he told you, man. He told you what's up.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Yeah, that's not a lie guys tell.

unknown 13:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Right? I mean, that that's just one of those things. Like, I mean, guys might, you know, kind of uh obscure the truth and and kind of shift things around every once in a while, but you know, when it comes to like I don't want to be in this anymore, when they tell you that, you definitely have to listen because they're not gonna beat around the bush uh about that one at all. Yeah, they're not lying about that. This whole self-disclosure thing, and something we talk about in relationship synergy as well, is that how self-disclosure and closeness are mutually um transformative. So the more I disclose and the deeper I disclose, the closer I feel to you. Now, the closer I feel, the more I'm willing to disclose. And so that cycle kind of goes round and around and around. More disclosure, more closeness, more closeness, more disclosure, and around and around and around. But like you said, when you start thinking that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, when you don't want to be as close, we do the opposite. We we hold back. It's like, you know, we it's at a relationship at arm's length where we're trying to stay away and keep that person at distance, and so we just stop sharing.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Yeah. And I think one question that naturally I think a lot of women will have at this point on this discussion is like, why would a guy do that? Why would a guy continue to show interest but say he's not in a relationship or not interested in a relationship? And my answer to that, just having been there in my 20s, um, now a happily married man, I'm so glad to be past that. But my my reason is that men are conflicted sometimes. He might be, he might have legitimate feelings for you and be very interested, but he's not at a stage in his life where he's really wanting or able to have a relationship. For example, if he's not in a financial, financially stable time of his life, it's gonna be really hard for him to be in a relationship. If his entire life is in flux, there's just like so much going on, he's just not ready. He is not ready for a relationship, and you don't want to stick around for that guy to come around because it may never happen. So he may have all these feelings for you, he may be showing up, but he's telling you he doesn't want a relationship, and that basically in guy talk means I would like to have the girlfriend experience with you. I'd like to sleep with you, I'd like to be able to have a nice connection with you, but I want to remain open to seeing other women and dating. That's that's guy talk from where I stand.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Yeah, absolutely. It's it's something my mom used to say, and I don't know why, she would tell my brother this uh and I this all the time, is you know, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Yeah. Right? And so I don't know why she was telling us that. If she had daughters, she should have been warning them with these this milk and cow talk. But you know, it it's what's the guy doing in that situation?

SPEAKER_00 16:28

The milk thing always grossed me out with that that analogy.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

It's like you know, it's like have the cake and eat it too. Is that but I mean that's better.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

Yeah, that's that's much better.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Who doesn't love cake? Um but it's like you you have to be clear about your boundaries. You have to have boundaries. He's setting up boundaries saying, you know, I can and can't do this. And you know, there generally guys in those situations are trying to be clear because they don't want they don't want to be the bad guy, so they are trying to be clear. And it's like there's some wishful thinking and and some you know really favorable interpretations of what he's saying that helps women stay in these situations, right? And see love where there's not love, see commitment where there's no commitment, see relationship in future possibilities where there's absolutely none. Because we can convince ourselves of pretty much anything. There's signs in either direction. It's just you know, if you're too good at paying attention to some and ignoring others, you're gonna end up in a bad situation.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

It's true. And I mean, look, if everything about the relationship or the connection is complicated, then chances are it's not a good relationship. Like that's another thing. Everyone always says, like, they'll justify these situations, like, well, it's really complicated, right? He does live 600 miles away and he's got three kids and he's got this situation, and he doesn't have a job, but he he he he tells me he loves me, but he he also is dating other people. It's just really complicated. Like, you don't understand. It's like, no, I think I understand exactly what's going on, right? And it's just like better than you. What's that?

SPEAKER_01 18:04

I said, yeah, I understand better than you, in fact.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah, well, and that's the thing, I think, about either of our jobs, honestly, our jobs are not that complicated other than just being able to try and see things from a rational perspective that people can't I think it's really, really hard to see situations when you're in it for what they are, myself included. Like when I was getting involved, when I was dating, like I needed external support to just be like, hey, this this is how I'm trying to see it, I'm trying to explain to you in a rational situation, but this is how I see it. And just bouncing ideas off of people um, I think it's so important because when you're in it, it's man, it's so hard. So hard to figure out.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Love love is blind, it's deaf, it's stupid. Like we make a lot of mistakes. Like relationships are challenging for this reason, all right? But it's this is also why every professional at every level, like everybody has coaches, right? Like you look at like executives, top executives in huge Fortune 500 companies, these executives have coaches. You look at all of the best athletes, the musicians, everybody, everybody has a coach. Why does everybody have a coach? Because it's really hard to see things clearly when it's your own stuff. Yeah. Right? It's it's hard to look at yourself objectively, make the right call, and know the right thing to do. And so having that outside perspective is really, really useful. Right? Like, this whole thing, we start off this whole podcast with this question, it's like how to know if a man's falling in love with you. But I I would ask, like, you know, why do you care? Like, why why is this the question you're asking? To our to to females, like, why is this the first question you're asking? Is this what is this actually the most important question? And I don't think it is. Like, I think this is a secondary question. And there's a really important reason for this. Because if you make this your number one question, and he does love you, now you're gonna be kind of in a position to feel obligated to love him back, right? And that's not necessarily how it works. And so, you know, you're talking about that person who the 600 miles away and the three kids and all that stuff, but he loves me. Okay, uh this sounds terri- that's not that special. Right? And so don't give that fact that he said he loves you and has these feelings towards you. Don't put that so high up here in the priorities because, like we said, guys say I love you pretty easy. Like, that's not as important of a benchmark as you think it is. And so really the important one is like how do you feel about him?

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Hmm. Yeah. And does he meet your love vision? Does he meet your needs? Or is he just a whole bunch of wants for you? Does he actually is he the type of man that you want to be with in just next week or next month, or is he the type of guy you want to be with in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? And these are the types of questions that are always worth thinking about.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

So Yeah, you gotta put yourself first. You figure figure yourself out first, and don't use other people's feelings toward you to figure out how you feel about them. Right. Those are independent things. It can feel special to be loved by somebody, and that's great, but that's not enough to f sustain a long-term relationship. Right? You actually have to feel it back, and that's not something that people are always really good about. It's like, ooh, they love me, so I can make this work. That's that's not the best way to enter that relationship.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

Yeah, that's really true. That's profound. I agree, I agree. Um, and sorry everyone for my sniffling and my tea here. Uh I have a bit of a cold, so if you can't tell at this point, hopefully I'm I'm doing alright here. Um so another point that I think is is worth I wanted to bring up with you that I think is really important of knowing if a person is falling in love with you is sex, right? If a relationship is just all about sex, and the only time you see the guy is uh after one a.m. in the middle of the night or You know, the o you know, it always ends up in the bedroom and that's all you do. Well, there you go. It might be founded on a uh on a sex as a sexual relationship. But the way that you know if a guy actually is wanting to deepen his connection with you is if you're spending time with him outside the bedroom. You if he's willing to spend time with you during the day, where other people are out, walk in the park, do things, right? This is just another thing. I think back to like my time when I was in my 20s. Again, don't love that guy, but hey, I need to be honest with all you women. Like, I would not be like meeting up with someone to go for a walk through the park during the day. You know, you're just not going to because you don't want to deepen the relationship. Everything you do is focus on sex or not. And um, I don't God, I sound like such a terrible guy, Gary. Save me.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Well, I mean, you're not the only one. There's there, I mean, this is this is how guys are. And you know, unfortunately, you know, we know there's in a lot of ways men and women are are quite similar, but the one way that they're quite different is in terms of you know these sexual types of motivations and behaviors. And so a lot of what guys are really trying to accomplish is getting women into the bedroom, right? And so, you know, that's that's something it's just a reality, right? It's something women have to contend with. And so, you know, does he love you or does he want to get you to love him for the next thing? And that's it's it's something you have to figure out, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Okay, I wanted to ask you another question that uh I didn't put on our kind of we we put together some notes before this always to just compare what we want to talk about. But something that came up on a coaching call the other day, I'm like, you know, Gary would be really helpful. Uh so I'm gonna pass this on with one of our clients. She is in a great relationship, one of the best relationships of our life. She went through little love steps, it's amazing. But, and she's been dating a guy now for about seven to eight months. However, he has not yet said that he loves her. All the actions are there. He's showing up, he wants to spend time with her, and she has put a little, she has had an open conversation with him about that, which I would have she we didn't talk about it previous to her doing that, probably would have advised against that at that stage. Um, but he basically had told her, look, I'm just not quite there yet, but I really, really enjoy you, and I enjoy what we have, and I'm confident I'm gonna get there. Be curious on your perspective on like timelines and when would you consider that to be a major concern?

SPEAKER_01 24:35

Yeah, I mean I I think with timelines, it can be tough because you know I always hesitate hesitate to give a certain cutoff point, right? Because then some people interpret that as well, if it hasn't happened by now, it's never gonna happen, right? And then that's um that said, I I think the the best love, the longest lasting love, is a love that's slow and growing, right? And so as much as this seems seven months probably to this your client seems like an eternity, and it's just dying and waiting, it's like this is showing that this is somebody who's being thoughtful about it and and really wants to mean it when they say it. There's a lot of integrity in that. And so, you know, if things are going as well as she portrays, I mean, does she really doubt that he feels this way or is gonna feel this way? Right. I'd imagine not, right? And so, you know, when he does eventually get to the full-on I love you, um, it's gonna mean something, right? And so I would say, you know, I I wouldn't be all that concerned because actually all the other behaviors that you're mentioning that she has in a relationship that she's enjoying are all the harder pieces anyway. The saying I love you is is the easiest piece, and so if that's the one that's taking a little bit longer, you know, it just kind of shows to him it it means something maybe a little bit different than it does to other guys, and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

No, no, I I agree with that's basically what I said. You said it much more eloquently than I did, so thank you. That's that's why we have you here. Um and I also told her, like, look, when Jess and I got together, I waited like five and a half months to tell her, and she reminds me of that pretty regularly, and that was because like look, I was like head over heels pretty quickly, okay? But this time around, I was like, I'm never gonna make that mistake again, telling someone that I love them too soon. And then finally, you know, I said it, and she's like, Really? Why'd it take you so long? You know, 98 days, pal. Yeah, like get it together, dude. Come on. But it's like, come on, you already knew how I felt, please, please.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

But that's the thing, right? Like, she probably did know. And like, for we have this kind of weird obsession, actually, with this saying the words, right? Say I love you. Say, you know, people use codes and won't say I love you, but will say, like, hey, 143. Like, but we we focus on this too much. It's like another classic example of how we focus on the wrong things in relationships. It's like all your behaviors were there, and the fact that you weren't saying it for those five and a half months, like I said, that shows a great deal of honor, it's integrity, it's it's about being sincere in what and having it really mean something. And so, in a lot of relationships where so many gestures can end up being quite empty and not meaning a lot, you know, holding on to that I love you, that can be pretty special.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Yeah, I agree. And I just think a message to all those ladies who are dating right now, you might be dating a guy and you're not sure how he feels about you, and you're not sure where it's going. The one thing I would be intentional about when it comes to dating is if you are investing all of your time and energy into one guy and you're not considering other options, then make sure that you have a real conversation about exclusivity. Words do matter there, because I think that a lot of women who are asking this question might be thinking to themselves, well, I'm trying to figure out if he likes me or if he's into me, if he loves me, all this stuff. But the first step on a lot of this is just exclusivity, and you can bring that up. We call that little love step number six, okay? And don't assume that you're an exclusive, committed relationship unless that conversation has been had in some way, shape, or form. Um, and then love can come certainly later, and that's usually how how it happens. So that's my advice to the uh single ladies out there who are dating. Gary, any advice that you have for uh any of the ladies who are in relationships right now, who are struggling, who are not sure, might be in these um relationships that are not quite working, they're not sure if they love them. What do you got?

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Yeah, yeah, actually, just to piggyback a little bit on what you just mentioned, is yeah, you gotta have the conversation, right? One of the things we know from the communication literature in relationships is the number one taboo topic in relationships, the thing that people don't want to talk about with their partner is the relationship itself. And so if you're finding yourself having some hesitation about the what are we conversation, where is this going conversation? Are we exclusive or not? Like, are we in love? Like, what's going on here? If if you're had if you're hesitant about having that conversation, that shows you really, really need to have that conversation.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Because the only way you're gonna figure it out for real is through that conversation. Not through like, you know, analyzing all the little signs and like how did he say this and like what did that mean? And he wore the color green, like what does that mean? Like, I mean, there we can like microanalyze, like I know from talking to clients now, it's like microanalyze everything, like and obsess about everything. Like he said it with a sigh. I think it was like a subtle sigh, but like a kind of I'm like, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

It like it'll suck you in sometimes. Have you ever had that happen? Like, sometimes I'll get sucked in by clients and I'll be saying this thing, like, hey, this is what we teach, this is what we focus on. And they're like, no, but like this happens, and they explain like for like five minutes of the whole scenario, and it like almost convinces me. And then I'm like, hold on, get out of it.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Everybody loves a good mystery story, right? And it's like, you know, you're like you're kind of like Sherlock Holmes going through, like trying to read the clues, and like, where is what is going on? Like, huh? But no, just ask. Right? And it doesn't have to be an interrogation, like, what the hell are we? It should be like, hey, you know, like I'm really into you, like I love how this is going. Like, I would love to see and just have that conversation.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

Um, to to see and kind of put it to rest so you you really know. Like, so you don't have to spend all your time, does he love me or doesn't he? And what signs do I have to figure out? Like, you know, we we gave you lots of good hints, I I I think in in this episode. Um, but there's no real substitute for for a deep, heartfelt conversation.

SPEAKER_00 30:33

Yeah, I agree. And look, when the thing is when you're at least when you're dating and you're following the little love steps and you are pacing, so you're moving pretty slow, and you're talking to multiple people at the same time, mostly when you do that, most of the time guys actually lean in even further. Because guys don't want to lose you, okay? And they can feel when a woman's slipping away, and they'll actually start to invest more, and likely they will have that talk with you. But if you find yourself deeper in, and maybe there's a whole other podcast that's talk about this the the the define the relationship conversation, and leave that for another day. But um that's one that you don't want to keep up in the air for too long. And and certainly never commit your heart to someone who's not yet uh explicitly said that they are committed to you. That's a huge mistake that a lot of people make in the 21st century dating scene. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

Yeah, and I think sometimes I mean what I what I always suggest to people is you know, sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back so they can take a step forward.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Yep, create the space. Create the space. So for those who are in relationships listening to this, I want to cater to them as well. And maybe it's a new relationship, maybe the relationship is uh is broken and it's not really working. Do you have any I don't know, advice to give that woman on on kind of how to handle that situation? I know there's a lot of different situations wrapped into that, but what do you do if you're kind of questioning someone's love or if someone is falling in love with you?

SPEAKER_01 32:01

Um I I I think I'm a huge fan of give what you want to get, right? I mean, once you're in a long-term relationship, like you and your partner are a unit. It's not me versus you, it's not us as separate, like we're all one big entity. Yeah. Um, and so you know, if you're questioning love and things like that, think about what it is you're you feel like you're lacking, and then try to provide that for them. Because it should it should have this like mirroring or bounce back kind of effect where it's like by giving them a little bit more, then they should be like, oh, the they might get a chance to realize what they were missing, right? And then they should then reciprocate. And you you should have strong norms of reciprocity in your relationship anyway. So I think just this general idea of giving what you want to get when it comes to love and a whole range of other relationship aspects, um, it is a really nice first step.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Yeah. Assuming that he's giving at all, right? I would imagine there's some basic foundation of standards there, right? Like you don't want to be the only one giving. If it is not some type of matched energy here relatively, then maybe it's time to consider elsewhere, no?

SPEAKER_01 33:06

Yeah, and I think you know, someone's got to make the first move, though, right? And I think, you know, uh honestly, that's it's it's almost always gotta be the woman, right? Because she's the one paying more attention to this. She probably, you know, her like problem detection software is much more attuned than his is. And so, you know, you can always take the first step, but then like I said, take that first step, give what you want to get, and then step back and let see what he's going, not say, do. What is he actually gonna do? And then then evaluate from there.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

I love that. Good common sense advice. Backed by science, Gary. That was awesome. Um next week, we can end it with that, so I can get back to my tea here. We are going to talk about what a man is really telling you if he's afraid of commitment. Dun dun dun. What do you think, Gary? We're gonna have a fun one with that one.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

Just wait, it's not good.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

You haven't even told me the hook on this one. Like what that even really like I have some ideas on this, but you haven't even told me, like, Adam, this is what it's all about. So I'm actually pretty excited about that. So, anyways, that was great, Gary. Thanks for your time, man. And uh, we'll talk next week. All right, see you, man. Later. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head on over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and uh speak to you next week.