SPEAKER_01 0:00

In today's very special podcast, Gary and I are going to be talking about something that we've never really talked about on the podcast, and that is intimacy. And how do we make intimacy so much better? We're gonna be diving into eight simple tips that I think is gonna help all of you ladies kind of open up a little bit in this department. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary and I both admitted going into this, we're a little bit nervous. So, Gary, I'm gonna set the scene. I'm gonna turn on my fake candles in the background. Ooh. Set the scene, maybe unbutton a button. No, no, keep the button. Keep the button. Should I get like a shot of tequila for this? What are we thinking? No, no, no. I think you're fine. Okay, great. What can loosen us up? I'm just trying to loosen you up, baby. Come on, we're gonna have a great time.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

So if it's not clear already, when when Adam says how to make intimacy better, what he's really talking about is sex. Yes, I am. And so who wouldn't want to have better sex? Well, I mean, probably everybody, and we're here to help. Um, we've never done this before because I I think you know, we were talking about this right before we got on. Is it feels a little odd as two guys telling women how to have better sex? But yes, nonetheless, so this is not gonna be like a health class kind of thing where we have like diagrams, we're not putting any condoms on bananas or anything like that. It's just this is not gonna be about technique, it's about the psychology of what happens before, during, and around intimacy to make it more special.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Yeah, I mean, so much of this is about mindset. And look, we've been executive love coaches for over 15 years now. And Gary's been a you know relationship scientist for over 20 years. And what we have found based on our experience is that so much of sex is in the mind and our psychology and our energy that goes into it rather than what they teach in sex ed uh in sixth grade with the uh condoms on bananas. Because look, I think the reality is so many of our clients, and most of you listening in are hustlers, you're high achievers, you're optimizing to get ahead in life. And does that work really well when you're at work in a professional setting? Of course it does, but does that work in the bedroom? Not really, right? And so today we're going to be really kind of reframing this idea of how to have great intimacy, how to open yourself up, and in many ways, just uh step into a little bit more of a sensual frame. And this is gonna help you just have a lot more fun when you're getting out there and you're connecting with an amazing man.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Yeah, so much of it is about slowing down and just bringing a different energy into the bedroom or whatever room uh you you choose. Um, and I think it's we're not we're not gonna talk today about like obvious stuff. Like there's such an obvious thing you can, you know, how to make sex, but we'll communicate more. Well, yes. Um, but I think everybody knows that. Um, we're we're gonna talk about eight things that make intimacy 10 times better. And it's it's gonna be a lot of counterintuitive things, things maybe you haven't thought of. Um, and the very special one at the end. We're gonna answer that question that I think is probably the most common question people have when it comes to intimacy, which is how many times a week should couples have sex? Like, is how many times is enough, basically? Is you know, five 15 times a week? Is that is that enough? That's 15 times a week, Gary.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Oh my god, dude. Now what are you taking? Tell give me the supplement.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

So, you know, there is a magic number, and if you stick around to the end, we're gonna share what that magic number is.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

All right, let's get into the first one, Gary. So we had discussed this earlier. Put it in your planner. Tell me about this, Gary.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

And you know, this sounds weird, right? Because it's like of all the things that sound completely lacking romance, planners, um, any sort of to-do list sounds terrible, right? Like that's like the opposite of spontaneous romance. But even though everybody thinks putting things in your planner kills romance, it's actually the opposite. And research says that when we schedule things, scheduled intimacy, it allows us to experience more anticipation. We can be more intentional about preparation, like shave those legs. Um, men can shower, right? And then you experience greater satisfaction. There's research related to this um in the context of vacations. It's like, why do we like to plan a vacation six months out in advance? And you put it in your planner because now you have six months of anticipating, looking forward to that vacation. Um, and what's more like a vacation than sex? Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

I love that. No, I mean, like, look, at the end of the day, the strategy isn't about having like, we must have sex at 10 a.m. on Saturday morning, otherwise, this relationship will not work. Uh, that is not what this is all about. It's mostly having a kind of check-in. Um, I'm a big plan uh fan of advising our clients, and I certainly do this personally, which is a weekly date night. Does it always have to involve sex? No, but it's an intentional time that you set aside for you and your partner to just really connect. Because we all know life gets in the way, like things come up, you get busy with work, you have family obligations, and then before you know it, you're looking back. It's been three months and nothing's happened. And you're like, oh my God, where did time go? And so having that just kind of quick check-in and having that in the calendar, I think is super important. And one thing I will say for those who are really successful professional women who are go-getters in the workplace, it's super, super important to cut off work at least two hours before date night. Because you don't want to be going from a 6 p.m. meeting straight into a 6.15 dinner reservation with your hobby, with your boyfriend or with a guy that you're dating. Because you're just going to still be in that super high intensity mode. You're not gonna be able to sit kind of take that step back into that more sensual feminine energy that is going to create that desire and that spark between the two of you.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Yeah, I mean, it's like anything else. You know, as a successful person, you know, if it's not in your calendar, it doesn't exist. Everything that's important in your life gets finds its way into your calendar. Um, I've I don't know if he's he listens to this podcast anymore, but a really good friend of mine, super successful guy, owns a business, like super calendared out, has all this stuff on his calendar. We were hanging out once and he's like kind of like scrolling through, looking like trying to plan like when we were gonna get together or you know, probably some softball something. Um and on on his calendar, there's like a little entry that just says boink. And I was like, dude, what a guy boink. He's like, What? I'm like, is that what I think it is? And of course, you know, like we made fun of him. It was like, you know, was that you know jokes were made at his expense, but it was like, you know, so if you're putting it in your calendar, maybe not don't put it in his boink, um, but put it in your calendar nonetheless.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

That's so funny. I actually, Gary, I don't share my calendar with anyone in the company because I put a lot of like personal things, but someone has joined the organization recently, they're the COO, so they really need access to my calendar. I'm like, fine. And he was going through stuff, and one day he was like, Adam, what's plan D night? Because I see you have that on Tuesday morning, and I'm super confused about that. I'm like, don't worry about it, Phil. It's all good, buddy. Don't worry about it. But that is like kind of my quick check-in, is like, and it's it doesn't mean that it has to even do with intimacy. It's just like, do we have something on the calendar? And it might not be necessarily always that weekend coming up, but it's just that quick check-in that says, Hey, are we on track here? Like, do we have that time set? And so when I still haven't told him what this is, so hopefully he's listening to this podcast. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

So, so plan D, the D is for date, date, date, okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Oh, geez. Oh my god, thank you, Gary, for that uh clarification.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

I I I knew it was date. I just wanted to clarify, just in case anybody else was wondering.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Thank you. Thank you. All right, I'm sure that's what Phil's thinking right now. I'm sure that's what Phil is thinking. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

On to number two. So the second way to make intimacy 10 times better is empty your brain first, right? Like, so if you're busy at work, you got a lot going on, and whether it's work, life, kids, family, whatever it is, you're running a constant task cue in your head. Like it's constantly on loop. And what we know from the research is when you have unresolved mental tasks, that competes directly with your present moment attention. So you have to close these loops. You can't be intimate with somebody because you can't get in the right mental headspace if you're constantly thinking about all the things you have to do. And so the strategy I suggest here is take just like a 10 to 15 minute ritual before intimacy. And it does, it could be even that morning, it could be your own planned day of some sort where you um write down like all the stuff you have to do, like use a to-do list, use an app of some sort, but just get everything out of your head, like a little mini brain dump. So that way you don't have to think about it because it's it's been offloaded to somewhere else.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Yeah, I would even take that a step further for those who are always checking their phone, who have to engage for work. Let's say you're a real estate broker and you're always having to respond to people, you would just have an ongoing to-do list with text messages. It's really important to keep your phone on, do not disturb, and put it away because it just takes you out of the intimate uh mindset. It's just like you're and we don't even notice sometimes when we're in it. We might be talking to someone and then suddenly your phone dings before you know it, you're taking in a whole different direction for the next 10 minutes. That's really gonna kill the vibe for you and certainly your partner. So I totally agree with that, Gary.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Pro tip: no intimacy with the Apple Watch on. Do tell more. But the Apple Watch, like you have the Apple Watch and it's like, oh, my phone's not in the room or whatever, but then like you'll get like a random text message and you feel like the little vibration thing on your wrist. And like, how do you not look to see what it is?

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Oh my god. Pro tip in life don't get an Apple Watch that text messages you that is insane. I have a friend who does that, and I'll be talking to her. It's my wife's friend. I'm not gonna say who, but you'll be talking to her. I don't know where she's like, oh wait, hold on one second, and responding to text messages on her Apple uh watch. And I'm telling you, it's it's so rude, it's so ridiculous, it's it's obnoxious. And if she's listening, I'm sorry, but you needed to hear this. She's definitely not listening to this, though.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Because she's busy looking at her Apple Watch. It's obnoxious. Obnoxious. All right. Number three, know why you're showing up. And so most intimacy advice is about reducing anxiety, where people will say, like, relax, don't stress. Here's the problem with that kind of advice. As soon as you tell somebody not to do something, guess what they're going to do? Right. This is classic psychological reactants. There's research on this. The classic example is don't think of a white bear. And every single one of you just thought of a white bear. Um, and so what this means in practice when it comes to intimacy is you got to get a handle on your motivations. And so there's research on this as well as there's two general ways that people are motivated for things in life. And one is avoidance, right? They're trying to avoid bad things. The other one is approach, is that they're seeking out good things. And, you know, it's going to be obvious which one is better, but you know, in the context of physical intimacy, the avoidance goal is something along the lines of I don't want to disappoint him. The approach goal is I want to feel close to him. Now, it's the exact same action, exact same physical intimacy, but how you're motivated in the context of that action makes all the difference. Because if you're more approach-oriented, you're going to have a better time. That's a much better experience because you're you're go, you're moving towards something. So the strategy here is before intimacy, rather than thinking, like, what's he gonna like? What do you you know, what what could go wrong, which I think is also something people do, ask yourself instead, what do I want from this? What am I looking forward to? Right? What am I looking forward to? What a simple, simple question, but so important. And it's something that I think sometimes we lose track, we lose the thread when it comes to physical intimacy. But it's like, what am I looking forward to about this? Because it's it's a very enjoyable experience. And so we want to reorient our mental frame around this to get more enjoyment out of the experience.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I love that, Gary. I think that's so great. That and it's true for so many different parts of dating. It's like if you go into a date and you're saying, like, I don't want to have a bad time versus I want to have fun, it's saying the same thing, but which one actually sets you up for success? I I think that's a fantastic frame. I I haven't actually heard that before coming from you. That's fantastic. That's great stuff.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Sure. Number four, hack your hormones. This sounds weird. I don't know. I I wrote this and that even sounds weird to me, but it's basically a timing is everything in the sense that, you know, we do have hormones running in our system that impact our behavior. And so cortisol and oxytocin are biochemical opposites that cancel each other out. And so, really, what that means is cortisol peaks in the evening, you're high achieving, long work day. Here's the thing when you have high cortisol, it suppresses oxytocin, which also leads to a suppressed libido, right? And so you have this, these two things kind of fighting against each other. If if you're too stressed, you're not feeling, you're not going to feel the hormone that leads to connection. And so the strategy for this is you do some things just to kind of manage your cortisol, um, exercise earlier in the day instead of later. Um, and a big, the biggest one is non-sexual physical contact first. Not even as a foreplay thing necessarily, but just more as a transition and more of a just authentic connection, hand holding, massage, like all these things prime the oxytocin system. A good solid good morning hug, like just contact. Not even, like I said, not necessarily as foreplay that has to lead directly to physical intimacy, but these like oxytocin boosting activities triples the effectiveness of connection, right? Not just, it's not just a 10% bonus. Like this is a tripling effect in the sense that like focusing on oxytocin, particularly if you have a high cortisol type of job or life, super, super important.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Yeah, and I I totally agree. It's like having that non-sexual foreplay throughout the day or right before, so so helpful because it just removes the pressure. Like, there's nothing less sexy than being like, okay, it's boink time. Let's just get started. But instead, it's like, hey, we're having a date night, we'll see what happens, might turn into a massage. And before you know it, things are starting to happen. But if not, that's also okay. Pressure, I think, adds the stress. If you have this this this intense pressure that it must happen, then for both of you, it's not going to be enjoyable. It's like very outcome focused rather than just being present in the moment. So I think that that's that's a really good tip. Another piece that I think adds to all of this, similarly, is the fifth one, which is just leaving a little bit of mystery. And there's this known theory called the rubber band theory of sexual tension. And basically, intimacy deepens with closeness, but desire requires a little bit of distance. And these two things are kind of always in tension with one another. And this is comes from Esther Perel. It's the fundamental paradox of long-term love. And so the mistake that a lot of people can make is they're trying to communicate because they hear, I need to communicate more, I need to communicate more. But what they end up doing is sharing everything, every detail about everything, thinking that they have to know the full story, forgetting that they're gonna have a long-term relationship and front loading everything. It creates this like overwhelm of where you're just like over-communicating and in many ways, killing the buzz. You're killing the connection, you're killing that that that mystery that can exist within the connection. So, Gary, what would you say is a good strategy for this one for those who might be a little bit of an overcommunicator?

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Yeah, I think you just you have to have a long-term orientation, and it just means you can leave a little for later. Not only can you, but you should, because leaving a little for later builds in some mystery and intrigue. Whereas you don't have to give somebody your whole entire life story when they ask the first time. You give them a little bit and say, you know what, I'm gonna save some of that for later. Right. You know, it's like I here's what I can share with you now. The rest I'll share with you later, right? You just kind of have that little sense of like, you know, cliff, leave a little bit of a cliffhanger, like any good TV series. Um, I think the other things you can do are have independent interests, distinct social lives, activities that you do separately. You don't have to do every last little thing together, right? You're only gonna get to pull that rubber band if there's actual distance. And so give your partner a chance to miss you. Um, I've done some of this research myself on this idea that missing maintains us. And so the fact that couples can miss each other actually is something that drives commitment. And so you want to give your partner a chance to miss you. You don't have to spend, nor should you spend every second of your lives together. Right. And this isn't about playing games. This isn't like, no, no, I want you to miss me. I'm gonna go do this, and I'm not gonna tell you what I'm doing. It's not that. It's just you, we talk about this all the time in our program, is that we're really trying to create this idea of relationship synergy, where it's like two independent people, each with their own amazing lives, choose to share those lives generously with each other so that the outcome, them as a couple, is even grander than the two of them independently. Like that's relationship synergy. And like I defy you to tell me that that's not actually what you're looking for in your relationship. I think it's what everybody's looking for. And so there's a little bit of strategy that goes into it. And it's like having your own independence is a big part of it. And it helps your relationship and it also helps uh your sexual relationship too.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Right. Well, I mean, think back, Gary. I know it's hard to think back to this, but back 2020, 2021 during the pandemic, when we were all stuck at home. We were likely, if we were in a relationship with our or married with our partners, one would think that the relationship might grow closer because you get to spend so much more time together. It's just you and them. But there's so many interesting pieces of research that shows that relationships were never have never been harder than during that time. It was a major strain. And I think it's just due to you spending too much time together, like you don't have anything else going on. You can't just spending 24-7 with someone or for those partners who work from home together. I mean, Jessica and I do that. So we found ways to manage it, but like it can be hard when you don't have this independent life, you're not going off to work and can talk about it. Um, you know, how your day was separately. It's like too much closeness can actually just really hurt the relationship more than let's say you go away for a girl's vacation for the weekend for three nights. I guarantee you come back and the sex will never be better for your partner. You know, it's like you have it, you've had your own time apart, if you've experienced different things, you've missed each other, and now you come back, and there we go. It's very counterintuitive.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Yeah, we can't we can't underestimate the importance of novelty. And so, you know, if you're spending every minute together, you don't have, you know, what did you do today? Well, you know you were there, right? What did you do yesterday? Well, you know you were there, right? It's just you don't have, you're not introducing much new information. And we as humans thrive on new information. The sixth way to make intimacy better is less talk, which I know sounds weird, right? But more shared experience. So, what I mean by that is high-achieving people have a tendency to overprocess. You're deep thinkers, right? You you think about things a lot. And so if you're listening to this podcast, not only are you probably successful and a deep thinker and an intelligent person, but you also like relationships. There is, and I'm speaking to myself when I say this, there is a real pull towards overanalyzing your relationship at all possible moments and then having conversations with your partner about the relationship processes in your relationship. That sounds super smart, and that sounds um like it's gonna help. It does not. That is not actually helpful. You have to actually have a relationship, and so sometimes people trick themselves into feeling like the relationship is moving forward just because they talk about the relationship a lot. That's actually not the great sign that you think it is. Spend more time actually doing things together. And the research shows specifically, we just talked about novelty a second ago. Doing new, interesting, slightly challenging activities together is super, super important.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Yeah, I c I call them emotional experiences. We have a lot of clients. In fact, just last week, I was talking to a client, she's been dating a guy now. She's been on four dates with him, I want to say. Um, he's very successful. He's uh, you know, they're both in their 60s, they're getting along great. She sees an incredible friendship there. This is a lot of compatibility. But she was like, I don't know yet if the spark is quite there yet. I'm not sure. I'm I'm still getting a feel for it. I don't know if it's me, if I'm just not in kind of my sensual energy yet. She's like, go on an emotional experience. Go do something novel, go do something fun together where it's it works better if it's novel for the both of you, if it's novel for just you, that's helpful, um, more helpful than if it's just novel for him. Um, since she was the one who's struggling with the spark. Um, and so I haven't yet heard back from her, but I've done this exercise with many, many clients in the past. And they come back and they say, Oh my God, I did an escape room. I went bowling. I haven't gone bowling in 20 years. Um, I went for a hike and I've never hiked that mountain before. And they come back and they, they, they do the activity, then they look each other in the eyes and they have their first kiss. And before you know it, sparks are flying, you know? And it's uh it's such an effective strategy to get people just kind of out of their head and into their heart.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Yeah, and so many times like people think the strategy is like, you know, have a spa day, relax, go have dinner at our same restaurant. It's like, that's those aren't bad. They're just not as good as other things that don't sound as good. Like, put together some furniture, go on a road trip, paint a room together, right? Like, I mean, that sounds like housework, and it is, but like those are experiences where it's like we have to collaborate, we got to get together, we got to do these things. And sometimes, like, as much as it's not desirable, really bad experiences can turn into these challenging, novel, and relationship-benefiting experiences. Just like six months ago, my basement flooded, like completely flooded, broken pipe, flooded. It was right after we came back from an event. Um, I had all this work to do. And so it was just like it was this really challenging moment. And but it was like, it was an opportunity for my wife and I to basically divide and conquer. One of us is working a shop vac, the other one's mopping up stuff, other moving things out. We I got a dumpster, we ended up emptied out our whole basement together. And it was just like, I mean, yes, it does that sound like a romantic story. No, no, no, but it's like you can turn bad experiences into opportunities that actually strengthen your relationship if you communicate, you work together, and you both see it as like, yeah. And I even said to her at one point, I'm like, this is a first for me. I've never cleaned out a flooded basement. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Gary, I'm just imagining you guys in chaos in like knee-deep water, you're soaking wet, and then you make eye contact with each other, and you just start making out.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Oh my god, come on, Gary. Hey, you you with the shop vac. You're kind of cute.

unknown 24:56

You're kind of cute.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

All I know is the easiest way to guarantee no intimacy with my wife and I would be putting together IKEA furniture. So I don't know. That one, that one doesn't do it for me, or certainly cleaning up a basement. But I I could see, I I could say, hey, if it works for you, Gary, go for it.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

I wouldn't, I wouldn't choose it as the first method, but it's like you you take take the opportunity wherever you can. Um number seven is set the scene. This is exactly what it sounds like is you know, there's a lot of research in psychology about the importance of the environment. Sometimes people think they can just kind of willpower their way through, and it's like, I don't, I don't need candles and all that stuff to make it work. Yes, you do. You know what? Like, why not? It helps. And it's clear that it helps. So do all of the things, right? Think of it as, you know, systems design. You're you're setting up, you know, we set up our workspaces for productivity. Let's set up our bedrooms for a different kind of productivity, right? The lighting, the scent, you know, dim, warm light, sense, temperature, all that kind of stuff. Most importantly, no screens, nothing about work, not even like your laptop in the like leave all that stuff somewhere else in your house. Like, let's let's keep the business out of getting down to business.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

100%. And this also goes for where you're going for your date night. If you're going out together and you're going to a restaurant or you're grabbing drinks, make sure you're going to a place that has kind of that sensual, sexy vibe, dim lit uh environment. There's some cocktail lounges that just you walk in and you just feel like a little sexier. I don't know. I kind of like feel like more of a man and my womb kind of get you know, you kind of get into that mode. Whereas, like, if I've had clients who God, do I want to name drop this service? I'm I'll do it, whatever. It's fine. There is a matchmaking service called It's Just Lunch. I think I've talked about it maybe previously on this podcast. So this is nothing new, but their whole thing is like go on a lunch date mid-day mid-work week, and you can find your partner. And it doesn't from all everything I've heard from any client who's tried it in the past, it really hasn't been very successful because you're going out on like Tuesday at 11:30 in the middle of the work day to like this bright-filled lunch date, and you're wondering why sparks aren't happening. It's like it's just so much of the environment matters to set your own frame on this is a romantic vibe with one another. And I've had clients who have gone on multiple, Gary, I'm sure you've heard this too, where they'll go on multiple lunch dates or coffee dates. What gross. Um, we do not recommend those, but they'll do it anyways. And they'll be like, why aren't the sparks happening? And it's like, you know what? Take a step back. The next date you go on, go on Yelp, find a cocktail lounge, like maybe a speakeasy, something that has really dim vibes to it, really soft, nice music. And I'm telling you, you're going to set you're gonna step into that central energy. I promise you, it really makes a huge, huge difference for you in creating that spark.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Yeah, and I I agree about the lunch date thing. The the coffee date thing, I think. I don't know. If you go to like a vibey kind of coffee place that's like not like a super busy chain coffee place, but like a place that's got some vibes, like there's books and stuff there, and then you can like then go for a walk afterwards. Like, I feel like there's like it can be a launch pad in some ways. Yeah, you want to make it boring. I know, Gary.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

I know, and I've had many clients push back on that. That's why it's not a rule, it's not a rule of a little love steps, it's a personal recommendation based on my experience of having gone to a Dunkin' Donuts for our first date. And ever since that moment, this is where like this is non-scientific. This isn't even like proven experience, it's just like a pep pee of mine when a client's like, Oh, yeah, I went on a coffee date with this guy, it didn't work out. I'm like, oh, no wonder. Like, you have coffee breath, you're I just I know you're a big coffee guy, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

Like I feel a little personally attacked. I'm nothing wrong with coffee, Adam.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

It's fine. It's fine. Fine, Gary. You know what? We can update the little love steps for our clients to say Adam doesn't recommend, Gary loves this idea, you choose. How about that?

SPEAKER_00 29:16

Depends, it depends on the place. It depends on the place. So as Bamberg at the very top, we were gonna answer with our number eight ways to make intimacy better. The magic number. What is the magic number? How much intimacy is enough? There's actual data on this, and so a couple of couple of studies. So one study, 10,000 adults aged 50 to 85. What they found was, and they tracked sexual frequency with how much they enjoy it. More sex didn't mean more enjoyable sex. So it wasn't quantity. The people who had the best sex in this study, they had it fewer than once or twice a week. Right. So there, this is not daily, this is not 15 times a week. It's about once a week. The secret, what actually really mattered was what they called, and I love I love this study just for this this phrase and just this phrase only was, and this was exactly what it was in their study, an expansive sexual repertoire. Ooh, right? That sounds impressive, right? So that's it was quality, not quantity, another study. Um, same kind of thing. Um, it was Canada and US. Huge sample. What they found was the magic number, the thing that mattered for relationship satisfaction the most. How much sex did people have to have once? Once a week. Now you could have more, it didn't give you huge benefits, right? Like it that was fine. Doing less than once a week, there was there was problems. Now, the really cool thing about that study was the the magic number once a week study, they controlled for everything you that they could at the time, which was gender. It didn't matter for age, it didn't matter for relationship length, because people were always like, but what if you've only been together a month? What if you've been together for 20 years? What if you're 70? What if you're 27? What they found was didn't matter. Once a week was like about the number you needed to keep the vibes going strong. And so the strategy is really quite simple: quality, not quantity.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Gary, can we just double-click on this idea of an expansive repertoire? You kind of just like brushed over that. You built it up. So, what are we talking about? Like different positions, different styles, different settings. You're doing it in the car, you're doing it on the back of a motorcycle. Like, what are we talking here, man?

SPEAKER_00 31:36

I mean weirdly. The very scientific academic paper did not delve very specifically into that. But I think what you're describing there are it's all of the above. It's you know, having a bunch of tricks up your sleeve or wherever you keep your tricks, like, you know, it's just having variety, novelty, like something to it, shouldn't be like, oh, here's our designated time, spot, location, and style. We shall, you know, proceed in this manner for once per week for the rest of our lives. It should not feel like that. It should be variety, mix it up.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Definitely. And I for those who are listening and like, oh, we're not on the once-a-week schedule or I never have been, like, not to worry. These are studies shown against thousands of people, and different couples have different sex drives. So it's mostly checking in with yourself. Are you satisfied? If it's yes, is your partner satisfied and communicating that they're satisfied? If it's yes, you can have your own cadence. If it's a no, then it's healthy to look at these types of studies and be like, okay, is it a how often we're having it? Is it the quality that we're having it? I think that's really, really important because I think it's super easy to get stressed out about things like this and be like, oh my God, we need, especially for all those type A ladies listening in who are like, I don't know, we're on every two-week schedule and now I need to up it to once a week. It's like, well, if it's working for you, it's working for you. It's just that that's the key part of it all.

unknown 33:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Totally agree. So so with that said, I hope you all enjoyed today's podcast. And for those who are listening in and want to really dive a little bit deeper and how we really advise our clients with everything that we do. This is all we do here at Love Strategies. We are executive love coaches helping successful single women get out there and attract love, be able to unleash their sensuality and be able to attract a high quality man. So if all that sounds good to you and you want to explore what it's like to work with us, just head on over to loveapply.com. You can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where someone on my team, they're professional love strategists, who are trained by myself and Gary and the entire organization. They're trained to really go deeper with you, understand what's going on, what might be holding us back in our love life, and a step-by-step plan to help you get back out there. If at the end of the conversation sounds like it's a good fit to work with us, we'd be happy to welcome you to everything we do around here to guide you. We can talk about that more on the call. Again, that's loveapply.com. And uh, Gary, thank you so much for your time today. This is fantastic. And wishing you all an incredible rest of your day. And have a sexy day, ladies. Go to a coffee shop, maybe. Go to a coffee shop and yeah, go have some sex. Thanks, Gary. Appreciate you, man.