SPEAKER_01 0:00

All right, so in today's podcast, we're going to be talking about seven things that women do that chase men away. And if you are like many of the women we've worked with, perhaps you've met a great guy, maybe you're talking to a guy right now, everything is going fantastic. It's just like it is a perfect click. You're in that romance phase and that honeymoon phase, but then he starts to slowly pull away. And it feels like he's no longer chasing you, he's actually being chased away. So we're gonna be addressing that today and giving you some things that you can really do and think about to avoid this topic. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ledolce, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary, this is gonna be a fun one today. What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 1:12

I like this one because it's so much of the interface between dating and relationships and that weird in-between piece that so many women struggle with, right? It's people are able to meet guys, they're able to capture their attention, but then it's that next part that gets tricky. It's the transitions that are killing a lot of relationships. And so something we say a lot is how you date establishes the foundation for your relationship. And a lot of what we're going to talk about today is going to hit on that topic.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Yeah. And on that, Gary, I don't know if you've seen this in some of our coaching sessions, but you know, when I developed the little love steps, you know, 10 years ago, we have little love step five, which means you're not an exclusive relationship and you're pacing before it's exclusive. And then we have little love step six, where it is now exclusive. You've had the conversation, and I made it pretty clear the difference between those two. But I don't know if you've seen this. Some clients like to create a little love step five point five, you know, to almost help with this transition. I've heard that so many times. They're like, Adam, I'm in little love step five point five. I'm like, there is no little love step five, it doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

That's not a thing. You have to make the transition, and I think that's part of what the topic today is is hitting on is this idea is like as people are trying to make that transition, they're maybe overdoing certain pieces, they're they're doing things that are subtly pushing the guy away that they don't even realize they're doing. Yeah. Well, why don't you walk us through it then? I'd love to hear it. Sure. Yeah. And so, you know, I I think so much of making that transition from dating into a relationship is getting comfortable with the idea of like, yeah, this is for real. And you start opening up and you start, you make that mental leap into yes, I'm in. Right. And if you're dating in a certain way, it you you start switching things up and you're doing some stuff that that chases him away. And so seven things that I think women do the most, I think number one, and this is this is gonna sound anti-romantic, and every once in a while we sound a little anti-romantic. We're the romance killers, Gary. I I you know, I I've been accused, I've been accused. I don't not convicted, but accused. Um you say you're looking for a soulmate, you tell the guy you're looking for a soulmate, yeah, and that sounds adorable, it sounds romantic, and it's true in a sense that you are looking for a counterpart to yourself that you can exist with synergistically and have this amazing relationship. And so it's true in a sense, but you're scaring him, it's intimidating. He hears you're looking for a soulmate, and he's starts to extrapolate from there. What does she mean by that? That's wow, that's a high standard. Can I reach that high standard? And if he has any shakiness, he gets in his head, guys get in their head too. And I think women, we sometimes forget this, but guys get in their head too. And you talking about soul matery or whatever, it's high pressure and it makes a tough situation even tougher.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Yeah, I think something that happens, and I know this has happened to me when I was dating. I can think of one particular date I went on. I want to say this is now I'm going back way into the archives, probably 17 years ago, but I went on a second or a third date with a woman, and you know, the conversation of what you're looking for comes up, and she talked about how she wants to have the same relationship and the same soulmate lifelong partnership of her grandparents. They've been together for 60 years, and it's amazing. And I thought like there were parts of it that I'm like, I'm that's amazing, and I totally agree. That is what I eventually want. But she kept talking about it in a way, whether it was intentional or unintentional, where it was kind of like, I want to make sure you are looking for a soulmate as well. And I, you know, this is me being immature, but I almost translated that into like, do you want to be my soulmate? Like, like, and I know that that's not logical and that wasn't the intention, but because it was so soon in the connection, like I'd only met her one other time. Right. It was just cart before the horse. It was just a little too soon, a little bit too much, where it just put this incredible amount of pressure. And I think a lot of people will have that conversation, not realize, like, yeah, they're not even talking about with the guy they're they're talking to, they're just saying in general, but the guy might translate that into holy crap, is she looking for me to be her soulmate? Like we we've just met. I don't, I don't even know you, you know?

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Yeah, and I think sometimes guys hear it as can you be my soulmate? Are you worthy of being my soulmate? Can you possibly achieve this really high standard that I've set that no other guy has been able to achieve? Are you the one? Can you do it? Can you, you know, unlock this secret mechanism to really make this whole thing work? And I think for a lot of guys, they just start playing the odds a little bit. They start realistically looking at it as wow, who soulmate. That's a lot. It's asking a lot. Can I realistically ever get there? I mean, I'm imperfect. I know I'm imperfect. I know I have some things to work on. She's gonna hate that, she's gonna hate me. I might as well just start bailing now.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

Yeah. Now, I should say before we move to the next point, look, as a relationship continues, or even if you're in Little Love Step Five, it's not yet exclusive, but you've gone out with a guy five or six times or more, then definitely talking about what a partnership looks like to you is perfectly healthy. It's just thinking about the verbiage that you're using and the level of pressure that you're putting on the connection for where it is right now. And so that's the point of this is being thoughtful about how much pressure you're putting on the situation for how long it's progressed. Where are you at with this guy? If it's the first date and you're talking about finding your soulmate, it's just a little bit aggressive.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Yeah, because you you're just not there yet. You'll get there, but you're just not there yet. And I think this is just it's number one because it's a perfect example of something you're saying that you are saying innocently, pureheartedly, romantically, and you think it has there's no problem with this, and guys might be hearing this slightly differently than you intended. So right.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Speaking of talking about something that might be unintendedly pushing a guy away, the second one is just talking about the dreaded ex. And I get it. There's nothing juicier than having a good conversation with somebody you've just met where you can just vent about your ex and it like feels good. Like, oh my god, we're like connecting because he hates his ex, I hate my ex. We're just talking about it now. He knows all about that relationship, how toxic it was. Oh, but the reality is he doesn't want to hear about it. It's not building attraction, it's not building a connection. And when you start a new connection with someone, it's about you and him, it's not about your ex or even your past relationships. So and again, this is the caveat that as the relationship progresses, of course, you're gonna talk about things you've learned with your ex or your past relationships. Um, but in the earliest stages of getting to know someone, it's just not really relevant, and no one wants to hear about it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

All he wants to know about your ex early on and for a long while is that this dude is out of the picture, that there's no competition. Because if there's the slightest hint of competition, he every guy knows your ex has an in innate advantage over him. And so if you're talking too much about your ex, the guy will start get to think he'll wait a second, she talks about him a lot, huh? Why would she do that? No good reason. There, there's no good answer to that question. And so, like Adam said, it's the negativity, but it's also like guys the one competition, and the more you talk about him, even just saying we were a terrible match, we were never going to work, or sometimes I've heard people say, I was really attracted to him sexually, but it just didn't work out in other ways.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

Oh my god, it'll be so bad. Terrible, it's so bad.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

All you're doing is thinking of them getting freak nasty, you know, going out at night, and it's like, oh and it's it's meant to be harmless and it's meant to say the right things, and it just it comes off the wrong way. So if you want, if you have to say something about your ex, I think there's a certain way to say it that is ideal, that helps get the point across in the most benign, vanilla, non-threatening way possible. And it's something along the lines of I grew and realized that I needed something that he could never provide. Yeah. No details, no anything. Just I grew and realized that I needed something he could not provide. I hear that. Sounds like that chapter, that chapter of your love story is closed. And it sounds like you're looking for something better and you ruled him out.

unknown 10:09

Perfect.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

In fact, you can use that frame for anything that's in your past that might not be such a positive look on you, you know, not to say a bad relationship is a negative look on you, but there's a lot of things. You know, we've had clients who have been single their entire lives and they're in their 60s, even 70s. They've never been in a relationship before. Um, that's not super common, but it it happens. And an easy framing for that is that I just have I needed to grow as a person. And I've finally come to a point in my life where I feel like I've arrived, I'm ready for the right person because I've gone through this growth process. So it creates a framing and that is just if someone hears that, they say, Wow, this is actually a positive, not a negative. It takes it what might be conceived as a negative into a positive. So you can use that for a lot of different things.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Very high character move, right? You sound like someone who, you know, you you've done the work and that's a good thing, right? It's not where you've been, it's where you're going, and that that's super important.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

So, one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So, if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to thelovesteps.com. You can go through that virtual training. I think you're gonna really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's thelovesteps.com. All right, back to the pod.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Um, so the number three way, third thing that you're doing to chase guys away, potentially, is it's another guy thing. It's talking too much about guy friends, talking too much about even guy coworkers, really any other guys. Like you're the guy you're dating doesn't want to hear it. Guys, correctly, are highly skeptical of your guy friends. They're right about this. They're skeptical of your guy friends because they're thinking he didn't really want to be your friend. At one point, he wanted to be more than friends, and he's accidentally now her friend, which you may not is true. He's right about this.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

He he's oh that's Brad. He is so funny at the water cooler. Oh my god, he just makes me laugh and it's so great. And yeah, he's dating, he's talking to other girls. He knows that you and I are talking, but you know, I know you maybe you'll meet him at some time in the future. This guy's thinking to himself, I'm gonna kill Brad. I'm gonna kill him. I don't want him to exist. Get him out. No, no, no. I mean, it it really is so true. I mean, men on the jealousy scale tend to tip higher of or tend to be more jealous than women. And that's maybe a topic for another podcast, but just being aware of that um is really important because he really will be thinking about this Brad guy, is he a threat to me? Is he a threat to this relationship? And it's just an unnecessary thought. He doesn't need to know that much about Brad, you know, assuming it is truly a platonic relationship.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yeah, and most of these things just don't need to be brought up. Oh, I was talking to a friend at work. You know, as the relationship goes on, you can start talking about Brad and the water cooler and fine. But you as you talk about any of these guys, because there's gonna come a point when you do talk about other men in your life because you should and are allowed to have other men in your life, that's fine, or platonic. Make it 100,000 percent clear that you are not interested. That this other this Brad guy, water cooler Brad, no shot, zero shot. You want to use a magic phrase? Say Brad just feels like a brother to me, or if he's a little older, a father. Right, guys will hear that and be like, oh okay, I get that. Brother, I that clearly that there's something about labeling a guy as feels like a brother to me. Uh-huh. That means he has no shot. I've been called a brother before. I get that.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

Brad is so fugly, he is so, oh my god, I would never ew, ew, gross. He's he's funny, but not for me. Ugh. He's got dragon breath and he's disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

That's showing disgust is actually huge. Like, that's that's his evolutionary signal.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Like gross. Yeah, that's so gross. That's funny. Um, the fourth one, and this is a big one, and I feel like this is a lot of value that coaches can provide with clients, is this idea of overanalyzing us men. And what I think of the way I think of this is finding the deeper meaning in the dumb, the dumb things that us men do or say. Because so many things, us guys will say so many things, and they're just we're just talking, yeah, just gathering sharing words, just out there sharing words. You've said some dumb things to your wife, I'm sure, that meant absolutely nothing. You were just talking off, you know, off the cuff.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Most of most of the dumb things that guys say, and they say a lot of dumb things, they're just trying to be funny. And they're not thinking about what the words mean, they should, they're just solely trying to bemuse you and make you laugh, and they're not analyzing what it means. And so you shouldn't be overanalyzing some of those things.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, women are so much more in tune with very subtle social cues than men are, and there's a lot of reason behind that. But even think of the middle school effect. Like when you are in middle, and I'm going a side tangent here, so bear with me. But when you are middle school, think about how men and women interact with each other. Women, like once you get to a certain stage after puberty, the way that they're interacting with each other, they're reading the most subtle social cues from each other. And like, oh my god, uh, Allison, she didn't show up to my birthday party on time. She was 10 minutes late. What does that mean? And they talk about it. And there's like, there's women are just much more in tune with perhaps even overly tuned to these subtle things. Whereas men, like, I don't care if Jason shows up 10 minutes late. I don't even notice, I don't think about it. You can really see it like even through my life, you know, having worked with so many women, you see this as well as a coach. Like, we hang out with our guy friends, we're we just say stupid stuff all day long that mean nothing, and there's like very little hidden meaning or conflict there. But with our female clients, and I hope this doesn't sound sexist, it's not, it's just an observation, it's it's a reality. They have a way of analyzing, and I think sometimes rightfully so, social situations and cues on a much, much deeper level. And sometimes it's for the good, sometimes it's for the bad because there's nothing there, there's nothing to actually read.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

I have a really good example of this from a recent client. She was she was asking on a mastermind that basically is this guy pulling away? It was essentially this topic. And so, well, how do you what what makes you think he's pulling away? She said, Well, the other day he said I look nice, and normally he says I look cute. And I was like, Okay. And she, what does this mean? And then she starts, I better ask him. I should ask him. I should definitely ask him, right? And I just, I just kind of I just like waited. And I was like, kind of, wait, no, I won't, I won't ask him, but I'll ask some things kind of around and just kind of see what's going on to see if I can figure it out and piece it together to see what's going on. To which of both of these things, I I suggested no. Don't do any of those things. Because what does him saying nice instead of cute mean? 99.98% of the time, do you know what it means? Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely, completely what nothing. It means nothing. He didn't think of it. It meant absolutely, he's gonna be like, What are you talking about? When did I say this? Oh, nice and cute mean the same thing, and then you're that's gonna blow your mind too because he thinks nice and cute mean the same thing, and that's a whole stop. Stop the over and it's gonna all of these things, whichever you do, even if you don't ask, you're gonna think about it, you're gonna act towards him a little differently, trying to read to figure out what's actually going on. Don't do any of that because all that stuff is subtly pushing him away. Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Yeah, there's so much signal and noise to flesh out in relationships. And I don't know if you've seen this with our clients, but you know, our clients, especially when they first start working with us, they go through like a nine-week intensive kind of program where they learn a lot of information. It's a lot, there's a lot going on, and in some way, it's fantastic to get all this education, this coaching, and all this information, but it also can have an effect where sometimes you then start looking for signal, like you start looking for information when it's not even there, and it's actually just noise. Like this particular situation you just brought to me, pure noise. Like there's nothing there. I can I can guarantee it, my life is on the line 100%. If I asked this guy what's the difference between cute and nice, he'd be like, I don't know, like a hundred percent. So I think a lot of us can fall victim to that when we start focusing so intently on a topic. I mean, in this case, relationships, when we focus so much on it, we can find we can find a signal when it's just noise, and we can like I so I would really uh encourage all of you to try and decipher the difference between if it's just noise in the system or if it really is a true signal. And that's where I think again, getting outside feedback is really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Yeah, because it it's sometimes hard to know and it's sometimes hard to be objective, and that's checking in with knowledgeable others, super, super useful. So number five, number five way that women can chase men away, is this is gonna sound weird, you're amazing, but it's a little bit of a problem. Now, before I go into the rest of this, I just want to start off, make it clear, I'm not saying be less amazing, okay? But how amazing you are, depending on how you share your amazingness, can push guys away and become problematic. Because just because of societal expectations, how guys have been raised, guys have an implicit expectation of I need to be better than her. And not like uh I'm a better person than you, but like not so it's not jerky, it's just competitive, like masculine, uh, as I need to be the successful, accomplished leader in this dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

And so sometimes we're not saying that that's correct necessarily, right? Just to be clear, we're speaking the truth of what a lot of men feel.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

So just want to be clear on that one, and how a lot of men, frankly, are trained to date these days, in terms of, you know, I must be masculine, I must take charge, and all so great, fine. You just have to be aware of it and create a little space for it. Sometimes you don't have to share all the ways that you're amazing right up front. And that's not usually how we would approach these kinds of situations. It's like, you know, I want to get out all my best material right away to make it clear how great I am. Okay, but like if guys do that on a date, resume dumping, right? Like resume dumping, like all their greatest accomplishments and all their awards and how much money they make. You get bored with that, and you're you're it's it's a little off-putting in someone. It's like, really? Like, isn't there more to this person than all these accomplishments and all these great things? Like, tone it down a little more. It goes both ways. And so you just want to make sure that you're not overemphasizing and blowing him out of the water with all of your amazing accomplishments. Right? Like, he says, I like to travel. Great. Oh, I like to travel too. How many countries have you been to? And he he proudly puffs up his chest and he Like four. You're like, oh, that's adorable. I've been to 54.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Cute. Four? Oh, you have a passport? That's so sweet.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

I've traveled the world for the past decade. Oh. And so, yes, you're amazing. But just be careful. Like, there's a there, there's kind of like you have to just drip it out sometimes, like just a little bit, because you don't want to be emasculating in a way that's unnecessary. You will get to share all of your amazingness in due course, but it doesn't have to be at first calibrate. Right? One of the things we say to our clients all the time is you are multifaceted. So you don't have to share all the facets at the same time, or you don't have to share your very, very best things. That the travel one's a great example. He's traveled to four places he's proud of. He said, Oh, that's great. I've been to several places too. Great. You you don't have to say 54. You don't have to give the number. You can connect without competing. Because remember, guys are a little naturally competitive. And so you just want to be careful. Don't go head to head, right? So calibrate what you share so that you don't dominate in those areas.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

And this is the same advice we would give guys. I mean, this is just proper social cues and not one-upping people. And it's funny, I I noticed you had this in the notes, and I had actually just written something for I was using for something else, but it was so applicable to this. And what I wrote is it's you can be both humble and proud at the same time. You can be humble in attitude where you're acknowledging that there's room for growth and knowing that success doesn't make you any better than anyone else, while at the same time being very proud in your self-worth. You can be proud of who you are, recognizing your unique qualities without downplaying them. You can have both of these energies at the same time. And I think it's really important on a date to be both humble and proud. You know, and those two don't have to be conflicting with each other. Because I think there's a lot of women as well who go the entire opposite way where they don't, they're not proud of themselves and they're constantly downplaying themselves. So it's just finding a balance where you're in tune with that person, which is the word calibrating. You calibrate to a person that you're speaking to. So you're connecting, you know, and I remember this in particular, like when I would go on dates many years ago, and I was, you know, I had done a television show on dating. And so it was uncomfortable for a lot of women to go out with a guy who was like a dating coach and did television. So I wouldn't go on the date and be talking about how I just hosted this television show and I'm helping all these guys attract love and all this stuff. It much more like, but I also wasn't downplaying it, just trying to be humble while also proud and what proud of what I've done and kind of connecting with the person which I'm talking to. And by the way, I'm not perfect at any of this. No one is, but it is definitely reading the room so that you don't get to a point where they are just like listening to you and they're like, whoa, this person's on a totally different level than me. Uh, I'm not interested. I got to go away from this. When the reality is it's probably not even necessarily true, it just might be in certain domains.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

And you know, the other piece is you just don't want to sound like somebody who's too full of themselves. Yeah, yeah. Let's get to it. Yeah. That's a big part of this too. And men do it a lot. Women can do it too. And so it it goes both ways. The way I always think about it, I like that humble and proud delineation you you made there. I always just think your accomplishments are for you. They're not actually for anybody else. You don't have to share them with every person you meet. Like those accomplishments, that's just stuff that you did for yourself. It'll come out over time. All your amazingness, you don't need to share it. The people who are actually really comfortable in their own skin don't need to share because it just naturally bubbles out at different times. And you can share it piece by piece. And the benefit of sharing it piece by piece, it maintains a little mystery. Like, oh gosh, what else am I gonna find out about her? You know, it's day four, and like, oh my, you never told me about your trip around the world where you know you went to Antarctica to save the glaciers. Like, you didn't you never mention this thing. Yeah, that's kind of cool too. So, you know, anti-resume dumping for sure.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

And it's even more potent if they hear about this from your friends or other people in your world rather than coming from you. So if your friends are the ones when when he does meet your friends or your family and they talk about how incredibly impressive you are, you get all that benefit. Like, that's where it's comfortable. And he's like, Wow, I didn't realize all this. She's so humble, she's so down-to-earth. I didn't realize all that. That is like the magic sauce, and that is exactly what I would tell men who are extremely accomplished as well. Is you don't have to just dump all this information, and then that creates a disconnect between the two of you. Let them slowly find out it will come out and then be like that onion that smells really good, you know. I'm trying to think that onion full of pheromones. All right, that just every time you you peel off a layer, it's just fun love onion.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

That's great.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

Oh, yeah. My sexy onion. Oh, we could we could keep working with this.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

Oh, I think I'm gonna have that disgust reaction pretty soon. All right, so number six way to chase a guy away, other than talking about onions, um, is just having too many relationship restrictions. And this is having just too many rules, too many guidelines, too many musts, too many shoulds, too many. I don't give guys my phone number. We can't kiss until exactly the sixth date. He has to pay the entire check every single time. He can't have facial hair, he can't be a carpenter, he can't be a plumber, a police officer can't be too tall, too short, too smiley, too sad, too boring. One that I just heard from a client just the other night, he can't take me into chain restaurants, it has to only be, you know, mom and pop establishments. And it's like, okay, I get it. I think every single one is defensible in some potential way, but all of this makes a guy feel like he's gonna cross some line and screw up some unwritten rule that he doesn't know about, and it just feels like very restricted and boxed in and just frankly not fun. And so you just want to be careful because dating should be fun, and all these rules make it less fun for him and also probably makes it less fun for you too. And so be very careful about how many restrictions you're placing on yourself. Totally agree.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

I mean, when I first started as a coach, total amateur, I would ask clients, what are they looking for? And you know, find out what are their deal breakers. And they would typically a lot of times go into restrictions like this or rules that they had. And I would play into it. I'd be like, okay, great. We'll we'll make sure we'll find a guy who takes to chain restaurants. Okay, got it. We will work through so I would try to work with this a little bit, and then the weirdest thing would happen. They would meet a guy who broke all these restrictions, but he was super attractive and had all these like really core values that she was looking for. And she'd be like, Yeah, I don't care. I actually I love the nines. Like, oh my god, take me there any day. Like, I'll go to McDonald's with this guy, no problem. So, on top of everything you just said, at the end of the day, these are these are broken all the time. They're broken when you find a person that you really like. So they're kind of dumb to have.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

100%. You know, in the in the research, we called, you know, there's deal breakers, right? There's people will list all the things that are dealing like you can't have facial hair, for example. But people are so bad at establishing these deal breakers that the research shows people actually break on an average of four of them with their relationship partner. So it's actually more like deal benders than breakers, but it really just speaks to the low quality of the deal breakers in the first place because it is exactly those kinds of things. It's like it actually a lot of the things people think matter don't matter. And so, end of the day, have fewer rules.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Yeah. Have a love vision. That's what we do. Like when we get our clients to what we call little love step two, they create a love vision. And a lot of coaches will turn this into like a long list of exactly what they want in a man so they can manifest their man and all that stuff. We don't do it that way. We actually do it quite differently. We have a number of exercises that our clients go through, but rather than it being restrictive, it actually broadens the horizon of what they can look for. Because once we know the core things that are really important, our absolute needs, then suddenly anyone, and I mean anyone that we are remotely interested in who meets those core needs, we have to explore further. So kind of it has the counterintuitive effect where they start exploring different types of guys that they would never explore before because all these restrictions are actually out the window. And then the craziest thing happens three months later, they're like, oh my God, previous to this, I would have never gone out with that guy. And I did, and he just lit my like fire. He lit me up in ways I've never experienced before. I'm like, yeah, that's a love vision. Get rid of the restrictions, get rid of the rules, but still be intentional about what you want. I think that's the core of it.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Yeah, stay focused for sure. Yeah. All right. Number seven, number seven way to chase guys away is too much too soon. We get it. You're excited. You it's like go, go, go. You're you're falling in love. All the you got all the great chemicals going, all that great stuff. You just want to learn as much as you possibly can as soon as you can, and you let the excitement get the best of you. You've heard us, if you listen, you're a longtime listener on the podcast, you heard us talk a lot about pacing. And so this is pacing is in place, and we've talked about it other places, so I won't go into it now, but it's there to counteract everything I'm about to just say, right? And so, too much too soon. One of the ways we go too much too soon is just too many questions. You go into interrogation mode, you turn this into an interview. What we coach is fewer questions, better questions. Ask deeper, thoughtful questions instead of you know trying to ask 10 questions to figure out about you know some aspect of him, just ask them the key thoughtful question. Like be intentional about the questions you're asking.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think interrogation mode, you know, it's funny. We were talking, I was talking about this last night with some of our Lux clients. This came up with one of our clients who went on a date with a guy who was putting her into interrogation mode, and he was just slamming her with questions, just back to back to back to back. So I wanted to get a feel from her what she defined interrogation mode as. Like, what does that really mean to her? And she felt it as constant questions without him answering any questions himself, and having like a plan of the specific information he wanted to get from her before he could proceed forward. Like that's how she described it. And so many of us have been on dates where we've been felt interrogated. And think about how that makes you feel when you're on that date, makes you feel actually very disconnected, makes you feel like on the hot seat, you're on the hot seat, and it makes you feel like I don't know if I want to spend more time with this person because I feel like they have some type of uh alternate, ulterior motive. And so we don't want to do the same thing to guys either. Purpose of a date is to have fun, obviously get to know each other, have intentional questions, but not have not be just drilling him with back-to-back questions, you know, so that you can actually build a real real connection with each other.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Yeah, you don't want to go in there with a pre-planned agenda and a list of must-ass questions to proceed to next step. It's robotic, it's impersonal. That's that's not the way to date. That's it's a really unfun way to approach what should be a really fun experience, which is dating should be fun. Um, I think it's it's too many questions. I also think some of the topics that you talk about, you want to be careful about which topics you talk about too soon, and just general things. And not this isn't even like asking a question about it, but just talking about these topics in general kids, marriage, retirement, future retirement travel, anything about wedding rings, anything about weddings, anything about burial plots. Somebody mentioned that. There's like, oh yeah, I was talking about where I wanted to be buried, and you know, asked him about where he wanted to be buried. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, yeah, I get it. Like those are interesting topics. And so we say definitely talk about interesting things, but there's a lot of interesting things to talk about, and you want to veer away from some of those kinds of topics because it starts from the other side's perspective, the guy's side, to be like it starts to box him in a little bit. And I get it. The other two, the next too much aspect is women are good planners, generally, better than the men. And you're probably a better planner, you probably have more long-term, long-range thinking than he does, and you want to plan and you want to get things figured out as soon as possible. Don't don't like seven, and I, you know, I don't like rules, but uh, I was writing this and I'm gonna give you a rule because seven to ten days out max. Early in the relationship, seven to ten days max. You start trying to make plans or getting him to make plans for more than that, it's it's like, wait a second. Well, this is it starts everything just starts to feel like it's going too fast and it feels like too much. Um but if he's making plans, so it should be seven to ten days out, but not within the next two days. Like he might call you on Thursday and say, Let's do something Friday. No, no, that's too soon, right? Like, let's let's not be too available, right? But let's not try to plan out our entire future. The same thing with life life planning things. You don't need to know about his finances or retirement plans for a little while.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Yeah, you really don't. Those are little love step six conversations. Once you're exclusive, you know, that's where those things come in. Now, if there's like a major red flag and his credit card is getting rejected and he doesn't have a car and he's living at a, you know, under a bridge somewhere, okay, have a have a financial conversation soon. Fair enough. But if there's no major risks or concerns going into it, we don't need to get put the cart before the horse. And the same thing is with talking about weddings, God, this is such a common thing where people fall into this trap of talking about their future and getting married very quickly, like within a few weeks or even a month of just knowing a person. And I think the reason why people do this, and certainly the reason why I've done this and understand why people fall into this trap is it feels good. It feels really good. And you start to think, oh my god, this is going somewhere. This is real. This is real this time by having this conversation. He wants to marry me. But we have to remind ourselves the how long we've known a person really matters for what types of conversations we're having with that particular human being. Until we've been going out with someone for two, three months, that person's still kind of a stranger. Yeah, I haven't gotten to know. Would you talk about where you're going to marry, you know, when you're going to marry a perfect stranger? Like you wouldn't talk about that to a stranger. So almost using that word, I think, can be kind of empowering. I know this is like the ultimate romance killer topic here, but he really is a stranger. You haven't seen him in his most stressful moments. You haven't seen him when you know shit hits the fan. You haven't seen him in these moments where that are going to be really the deciding factor of the relationship. So slow it down a little bit. Let's just see if this thing's a fit first. Have fun, enjoy yourself, be romantic, do all that stuff. But we don't have to get way ahead of things.

unknown 37:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

And I think it it's like everything else we've been saying with with today is you can talk about a lot of these things, a lot of these things can happen, but timing is everything. And you know, this idea of too much too soon is is a big deal. Um, one last thought on the too much too soon, because it is probably the most common topic that our clients talk about all the time is texting. He is going, I can almost guarantee he's gonna want to text less than you are gonna want him to text. His texting behavior can't keep up with yours nine times out of ten. He may not text that much, don't read anything into it. He might take several days to text, don't read anything into it. You texting him though, even if it's just hi, good morning, hey, how's your day? And it you're like, oh, these are so minor, these are so little tiny things. Every text you send requires him, it creates something for him to do in terms of responding, particularly if he's not texting all the time. He doesn't want to be rude. So now it's like, okay, she said good morning, now I gotta write something back. And if he's really busy and doing other things, he's not gonna want to do it, and it's gonna start feeling like a chore, and you do not want to start feeling like a chore or a have to to the guy you're romantically involved with.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

Yeah, it's a dangerous trap, it's a tricky one. I mean, Gary, if you think about it, never in human history, for the hundred or three hundred thousand years that Homo sapiens have been around, never have we had this weird little device that allows us to just instantly connect with another person whenever we want. And the problem is when we're in that honeymoon phase, when we're thinking about that person all the time, all we want to do is be in contact with that person. And I totally get it. When I met Jessica, all I want to do is be texting her. But you have to remind yourself that just because you can doesn't mean you should. And you got to catch yourself. Think of this as like putting, you know, the cookie in the cookie jar. All right. This is just gonna suck you in and make you want to hit him up just so you can feel safe. But it that is a false signal. Even if he's responding to you a lot, it doesn't mean it's a good thing necessarily. Allow the space to exist. The real good stuff happens in real life. Allow that to happen and allow him to go a day where he hasn't heard from you so he can miss you a little bit when we do that. And same goes the other way around. It's just like allowing that space to exist is what really builds the desire. So now that we all know these seven things, now you can just start thinking about where it is that perhaps we've sidestepped. We've all done this in the past, we've all made those mistakes when we're feeling disenthralled by a person. But now at least you can have a little bit of a stop gap to think, hmm, maybe I should hold back on that a little bit before this turns serious. And I hope this helps you out all a lot. Gary, that was super fun. Thank you so much, buddy. And uh yeah, we'll talk to you all next week. Thanks, Adam. All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long-lasting relationship, and we would love to help you get there. So, what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a Zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com, apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.