SPEAKER_01 0:00

Real quick, before we start the pod, if you know a single woman in your life who is struggling, looking for love and needs a little bit of guidance, don't be afraid to share this podcast with her. It would really help us out a lot, and I know it would help change her life. Go ahead and share it with a friend and let's jump into it. Gary, I had a woman the other day say to me, guys only care about looks. That's all they care about. And I chuckled for a moment because I'm like, well, I'm a guy, and I don't only care about looks, and it's just not like it's just not true, at least not entirely. I mean, of course, men care about looks to a degree, but not only looks. And by the way, women care about looks. Like, we coach thousands of women. We know women, of course, care about looks, but there's so much more to building a connection, especially when someone is looking for a lifelong partnership. So in today's podcast, we're gonna be talking about a couple ways that you can really emotionally captivate a person to build that lifelong connection. I'm excited for this one. This is gonna be a good one. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodelcheck, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

What I like about this is this emotional piece is really the secret to long-term fulfilling committed relationships. And that's what we're about. Like we're not just trying to help women find just any old guy, right? The thing is that so many people date looking for any old guy, right? They're looking for the physical stuff, they're looking for some of the superficial signs. And the thing is, relationships built on the superficial stuff are fun, maybe for a short period of time, but they just frankly don't last. Because for things to last, you need some substance. You need a little bit more. And that's easy for me to say. And in some ways, it's hard to implement. And so what I really like about what we're going to do today is give you four easy ways to actually implement strategies that help build this emotional captivation that's going to set you up for long-term fulfilling relationships.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yeah. Because I mean, there really are two different types of attraction. The first is the physical. Like you see a person, you're attracted to them. He's tall, he's, you know, he's interesting. He's he's well dressed. And women are men are the same way. Like we see a woman and you know, physically, oh my God, she's beautiful. But there's the second type, which is emotional attraction. And that is the cornerstone of making something last. So for those of you who find that relationships seem to fizzle out after two or three months, then it's possible that a lot of these relationships, whether it's you or whether it's the guys, it's focused on the physical first. And these strategies are designed to switch it to a focus on emotional attraction so that you build this real connection and a friendship that can last for a long time. So, Gary, do you want to just jump into the first one?

SPEAKER_00 3:25

I do. I'm so glad I get to the first one because I'm not going to tell you what the first one is. But what I want you to do first, everyone, I want you to imagine meeting two different people. The first person you meet goes out of their way to impress you, and you leave that conversation thinking they're the smartest, most charismatic person you've ever met. So that's that's guy number one. Guy number two goes out of their way to make you feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. Which person do you like more? It's not even close. It's not even close, right? Adam, you for those on YouTube, put up the peace sign, number two, right? The second person. We like that second person better. The first person's impressive, but that's how most people try to date. They're trying to be charismatic. The second person is implementing something that a recent research paper talks about as contagious charisma. We know what charisma is. It's like, you know, that person that's just really captivating and interesting, and you know, they exude a ton of charm. Contagious charisma is the opposite. It's your ability to make other people feel charismatic themselves. And it might actually be someone who isn't inherently charismatic, but you bring that out of them. Now, that research paper talked about this in a leader follower sense, where the best leaders use this idea of contagious charisma, but this applies in dating too. Too often, when people go on a date, they spend all their time trying to make sure the other person knows everything about them. In psychology, we call this egocentric, it's a little self-centered. Some people like throw around the narcissism term. This is not narcissistic, it's just like being a little too focused on yourself. Because on a date, you're all in your head, you're trying to make sure the other person likes you, so you naturally just focus on yourself. But it's wrong, right? And so, what you want to do to elicit this idea of contagious charisma is just spend much more time getting to know the other person, and spend very little time trying to get them to know you. Because that's literally the exact opposite of what we typically. Typically, we're like, I have to show myself, I gotta show them everything about me, put me put myself out there. No, no, no. Make the other person feel good about themselves. You can even say things like, you know, as as they're talking, you know what I like about you? You know what I like about what you just said, and like tag little things along the way that give them credit for how amazing they are because you know what they're gonna start feeling? Oh my gosh, I am kind of awesome. This person thinks I'm up. You know who we love in life? People that think we're awesome, and so it does exactly what you want. It's a win-win. You also get to learn a ton about them, they feel great, you get to learn a ton about them. And guess what you want to do on an early date or an early meetup? You want to learn as much as possible, and they are gonna leave that interaction, dare I say, emotionally captivated.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

I love this. That that would that is good stuff, Gary. I really contagious charisma. It reminds me, I did this show like 15 years ago. It was called MTV Made. It's since been canceled. But I spent six weeks in Dallas, Texas, with this high school kid, who's a senior in high school, and he needed to get a prom date. So I was his dating coach on this show. It was ridiculous, six weeks for like a one-hour episode. Oh my god, God help me. But I remember he would go on all these little dates with you know, again, he was a high schooler, but the the point still remains. He would start out by going on dates by just talking about himself, trying to talk about all the cool things that he does, and what, you know, it was probably ridiculous. Like, what does a high schooler really do? But he was trying to impress all the women. I remember afterwards, I didn't have this fancy term of contagious charisma. I'm like, the next date you go on, don't talk about yourself at all. Just ask her lots of questions. Just ask her about herself. And I remember this is one of those moments where I was in the van watching the screen while he's on a date. I wasn't actually there, but like they they would stream it in to the van and I could watch it. And at the end of the date, he didn't say anything about himself. He didn't, she didn't know much about him. And she's like, Wow, you're an amazing guy. I've really enjoyed getting to know you. And I laughed because she didn't get to know him at all. He didn't say anything, she knew nothing about him. But you know, that's how we feel connected to humans is just being able to feel seen, understood, and heard. And I think most women would nod their heads and be like, Yeah, that's what men should do. Agreed. But women can also do this when it comes to dating, and I think it's an important point.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Yeah, and this goes back to that old saying, and I'm sure I'm gonna butcher this a little bit, but it's people don't remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel. Yeah, and so this very much falls into that category is like you're making the other person feel really good, and that's actually what matters. You want to talk about what builds chemistry and attraction and makes us feel drawn to somebody, it's the feels, baby. That's what it is. It's you have to have that feeling towards somebody else. Um, and I think what's really interesting about your your story, other than that you were out in a van outside of a high school, apparently. Um watching teenagers go on. Watching teenagers on a closed caption TV. I feel like there's laws about that now. Um, but what I think is funny is like he didn't say anything about himself, and so it fits very nicely into our second key to build this emotional captivation, which is maintain the mystery, don't share too much. Sometimes we get into this habit of sharing all of the details, telling our full, complete, whole story, and it's like too much too soon. Let's leave a little bit. Um, and I think there's a really good example of this. Our one of our coaches, Robin, at our Lux event um this past summer, she started telling, she was doing a session and she started telling this story because she's she's a former pilot and she was telling the story about how she was on one of her first flights and she was running out of gas in the airplane and like had to land. And then right in the middle of the story where it's like you weren't sure how it all ended, she just completely acted like she lost her train of thought and then started telling another story. And this other story was about her as a kid and encountering a bear down by the lake, and then she all of a sudden stopped sharing the rest of that and then just started like talking about regular relationship content stuff. And literally everybody in the room was like, What happened with both stories? And it was like, and she's like, You're all wondering right now, with both of those things, what happened? We're like, absolutely, like that we want to know. And it's this is the power of the cliffhanger. This creates emotional captivation. Like, we have to leave more to the story, and you don't always have to have like these dramatic cliffhanger kinds of things, but you can just say simple things like, I'm gonna save that story for the next time we get together. I'm gonna save that one. I have more, I have a couple stories to that. I'm just gonna give you one now. You could say to that, you know, they ask you a question, you're like, you know what? I I have an answer for that, but that's more of a fourth date question. So you leave just a little bit there, right? And that helps you end on a high note.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

All right, real quick, before we get to the rest of the pod, I want to give you a special gift for being here and investing your time in learning relationships and dating strategies that are gonna help you in your love life. I have a special virtual dating coaching training. It's 100% free at thelovesteps.com. Get into that right now. You're gonna learn a step-by-step process to be able to get out there, feel more confident, and attract high value men that you truly deserve. All right, let's get back to the pod. Yeah, there's definitely I love that story. I don't think I was there for that one, but um there's something about going on a date where we feel like if the person doesn't know everything about us from age four to 40, then how could they possibly make the decision about us? It's like they need to know everything. And I'm as guilty as charged. Like I can be a storyteller when I'm around people and I get just into telling stories and trying to like captivate people that way. But there comes a point where if they know everything about you on the first date, they feel like they have you now kind of typecast, like they know just they have you in this perfect little round hole that they can explain everything about you. Suddenly that doesn't build much attraction and excitement about the person. I want someone leaving a date with you, with the those who are listening, being like, Who is that person? I want to get to know I can't quite figure her out, which is like there's there's bears, there's airplanes, there's gas. Like, I don't who is this woman? I need to know more about her. And it's there's something just so captivating, exciting about that person that just leaves you wanting more. So don't be afraid to leave some of that on the table. That really is what makes him continue to lean in and continue to pursue.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

And I think a lot of that, that maintaining the mystery really folds really nicely in in this third one, which is be missable. Because I think one of the big mistakes people make is they think out of sight, out of mind, right? And so they kind of approach dating as I need to be on their mind all the time because they're on my mind all the time. And this is a very like anxious kind of framing of dating. But we have to remember that missing is good. Missing actually helps maintain relationships. I've actually done research on this myself. Missing builds commitment, it's a sign of commitment. And so you have to give your person a chance to miss you. If they don't get a chance to miss you, they're not gonna value it as much. You want to create a little scarcity. And so there's some really just basic, obvious, easy ways to do that. First one, just be a great partner. If you're a great partner, you're kind, supportive, you you pay attention, you're a good listener, you're a little unique, you do some of that maintaining the mystery stuff, it's gonna make you a great partner, you're gonna be very, very missable. You do a lot of the asking of questions and you're curious and you're good at responding with empathy and understanding, you're gonna be missable. People are gonna want to spend time with you because you're good to talk to. And the last one is just this idea of intermittent reinforcement. Sounds sexy, I know, but intermittent reinforcement is essentially this idea of don't be so predictable, right? It's a psych term, it has to do with learning, but it's it's really about this idea of like, why do people like slot machines? Because it's not a guarantee. There's something a little mysterious about it. You don't know when it's gonna hit, but when it hits, it's amazing. And so women, when guys do this, you love it. You're like, ooh, where is he at? He's not here, right? You've you like this, you have to be able to do some of the same things. Don't be at his back and call. When he calls on Friday afternoon for a date Friday night, don't leap at the chance. You're too busy.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Right. And I I I love all this. I think it's it's so important. And I think as humans, we're not programmed well to make people miss us because the I when someone is let's say pulling away a little bit, that is typically a sign that space needs to start existing in the relationship. Now, obviously, there's toxic ways a person pulls away if it's like two weeks at a time. I'm talking about like a healthy amount of pulling away in a relationship where they just need some space on their own. And what can happen in relationships is when someone starts to pull away or create their own space, what do we immediately want to do? We want to fill the gap. We want to be like, oh, wait, we need to actually spend more time together. We need to do more things together. Like that is our initial instinct as humans is to fill the gap. But what you'll find is if you fight that instinct a little bit and you allow the space to exist, suddenly that builds a lot of desire in the relationship. And many times when a relationship isn't clicking, I actually was talking to a client about this the other day. Like she was saying, like, the relationship just didn't have the spark for the past couple weeks. Like they've been doing all these things together and the spark wasn't there. And I said, Great, take a week off. The spark will come back. How do you build desire? Do the opposite. Like, we're we almost always think, like, oh, how do we build an even deeper connection? Do more things together, spend more time together, be together all the time. When the answer is no, have a weekend off from each other. You'll miss each other, it'll build desire, and it'll build the spark. I guarantee it.

unknown 16:07

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

And people don't believe this. And the the metaphor I always use is like, you think spending more time together is gonna help? And you think being really, really close is gonna help. Imagine taking a cross country trip in an RV, just you and your partner in a little 20-foot can on wheels. Is that gonna be a lot of spark? No, not a lot of spark. Like, that's just not what that's gonna do. And so I think one of the ways that people try to be omnipresent in their partner's life, and it's so easy these days, is by texting. Texting is one of those, it's like this electronic leash. And so, what I always suggest is text less than you think you should. But if you're going to text, and you're you know, you try to give space, but if you're going to text, send a text that gives value. Don't send a text that requires him to give something back, and like it's like, oh gosh, I have to like pay. It send a funny picture, send something that's a callback to a previous conversation you had. Send something that's just amusing that adds a little bit of like interest to his life. That is the kind of thing. If you want to maintain maintain some connection by text, do that kind of thing. Not how are you? How's your day? Because that is my favorite.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

I'm bored. I'm bored. Have you ever gotten that text from someone? I'm bored. It's like, what? What am I? You're your clown to entertain you? Well, go go do something.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

I can guarantee you that there's a whole bunch of guys out there, maybe even a hundred percent of them, that take the I'm bored. How's your day? What's going on? It's like it's like this homework assignment that landed on my phone. That now I have this essay question I have to fill out because if I don't fill it out well enough, it's gonna be it's gonna seem like I'm not interested. It's like, no, I'm just busy, I just have other things going. And so be missable. A little time away is exactly what you need.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

The last segues to oh, sorry, Gary, I made a speaker, but I would say no, it it perfectly segues into our last point is when you're trying to be missable, or when you are being missable and creating that space, increase what we call your interesting index. Go do something that makes you just a more interesting person. And I want you to really think like, what is something interesting that you've learned recently? Or what have you done recently that's unique? Or, you know, have you read something interesting or gone to an event, anything? And if the answer is no, then it's time to increase our interesting index. That is what draws people in, are people who experience different types of unique things in their life. And when you are going out, really soak in the stories. If you have some story that happened when you went to a wild event or a concert, soak it in and talk about it on your next date intentionally. Don't be afraid to do that. This is what allows you to captivate people emotionally when you're going on a date. There, I remember a few times when I was single when I would experience something on my own when I was trying to when I was doing something. Uh like when I I remember in particular I went on one snowboard trip and something kind of crazy happened, but I'll save that for the next date to stay mysterious for the next podcast. Um, but I remember when that happened, I'm like, I'm gonna talk about that on my next date. Like, I'm gonna talk about that because that's a good story. Like everyone have your inventory of interesting things that you do with interesting stories, and don't be afraid to share those things.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Yeah, and don't be afraid to share the same interesting story with each of the different guys you're dating. You can keep using the same material over and over. If you got A plus material, use it every show, right? Like use it every time. Like you're not like recreating, reinventing the wheel every single time out there. And I think one more and we've had a whole podcast about this, so we won't have to go into any depth about this, but like make sure you come to your dates armed with captivating questions. Captivating questions is something along the lines of if you could go back to any one time in your life, when would it be and why? Great question. How he answers that, okay. First, no one's ever asked him that. No one. That's automatically makes you more interesting. How he answers that is going to give you a ton of interesting information. The other piece of these kinds of questions, though, is you're gonna have to answer two. So you're also setting up a really good response from yourself, which is also a way to build some captivation.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Amen. So hopefully you can use these when you get out there. When we are meeting people, of course, are people going to be physically attracted to you and physically drawn to you? Yes, but what really matters is the emotional connection. If you work on these things, suddenly now men are going to be much more uh uh wanting to actually get to know you as a friend and want to be around you for the long haul. And vice versa. It's going to make you want to spend more time with him. So, Gary, that was fantastic. I really appreciate this, and this is a great one. All right, enjoy the rest of your day. Thanks, Adam. All right, so that is the end of today's pod. But the fact that you are still here means that you are truly ready to invest yourself in getting out there and attracting the right person because you know how important it is that you find the right man and the right relationship in your life. So, what I'd love to offer you is a free love strategy session with someone on my team who can dive into your unique situation and be able to set you up for long-term success. Special link is in the pod, or you can go to loveapply.com, apply for that session, book your session with someone on my team, and they are the most compassionate, incredible human beings that I personally know. And I highly recommend you take that action today. So head on over to loveapply.com and we'll speak to you soon. Bye bye.