SPEAKER_00 0:00

In today's special podcast, we're going to be talking about the five disturbing ways that men prey on very accomplished women. Because chances are, if you're listening to this podcast, you're smart, you're successful, and you're probably really social and you probably radiate a certain type of confidence and competence. And it's exactly what you should be doing. A hundred percent. That's absolutely what will attract your right type of guy. But it also has a way of making you a target, doesn't it, Gary? Do you want to explain this concept? Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, a professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Yeah, it does. I mean, for a certain type of guy, and these are not all guys, but for a certain type of guy, they're looking for our clients will say this a lot. Like, you know, some of these guys out here, they're just looking for a nurse or a purse. Like, I had never heard that before, but I'm like, that is dead on, and I love the rhyming, right? It's like they just they want someone to take care of them, they want someone to fund all of their lifestyle things. And it's like, yes, there are some guys out there like that. And I think you're the important thing is as a woman who's successful in dating, is like, don't look at your success as a liability. It is an asset. But what we want to make sure that doesn't happen with today's podcast is like sometimes you give too much benefit of the doubt to these guys. And so we just have to be aware that these kind of guys are out there so that we can avoid them. And then once you know to avoid them, then you can kind of date more confidently and freely because you know how to deal with them. Um, and these kind of guys, I think, you know, it's like anything else, like avoiding the worst parts is an important skill. But these particular guys, um, I think the best metaphor for them is that they're like parasites, right? It's like they're out there and they don't have a lot going on on their own. So they just kind of latch on to women who are successful for all the great things that you provide that make you wonderful, whether it's money, status, accomplishment, just a lifestyle. Um, and basically, like any good parasite, they they draw their strength from you to build themselves up. And so, in many ways, they're weaponizing your strengths against you. And so, you know, the the solution to this, of course, is not diminish yourself and lower your strengths and lower your capabilities. It's not that at all. Your empathy, your competence, your high standards, like those are what make you you. But it's also just like a cautionary tale to be aware of these guys so they don't ruin your life. Um, and I don't know, I'm sure Adam, you get this too, but it's like one of the things that our clients say to me that I take as like the highest compliment is they'll say, You're like a protective big brother. I'm like, aw. And is it is it's like, and that's what this podcast today is about. It's like being like a little protective of like, hey, the vast majority of guys are good guys, like they're perfectly fine, but there is a percentage you do want to watch out for because avoiding these guys is gonna save you so much heartache.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Yeah, and it's just so I I love that too when clients call us their big younger brother, you know, whatever it is. Typically, we're a little bit younger, but it's it's a little bit different because probably your brother is always gonna tell you, well, all men are the worst, all men are just trying to take advantage of you. And what we try to always do here at Love Strategies is live in the nuance. And my experience has shown that only about let's just say five to 10% of guys are these parasites. They're the leeches, they're the guys who are just trying to take advantage, and then 90% of guys are the good guys. Now, what you all might be saying is, well, Adam, that's not my personal experience. I've found the majority of men are these parasites. But let me just present to you something that I was just talking to a client about a couple of weeks ago. This idea that the these minority of guys who are parasites are very loud. They might be hitting up 15, 20 women at a time. And so they have a multiplicative impact in the dating market. So if like one parasitic man is literally reaching 20 women, that means he has a 20x outsize impact on women than like the other 19 guys who are just reaching out to maybe one or two women at a time because they're good guys. And so it's just really important to think about like the absolute number of guys who fit this uh characteristic type of being parasitic is actually quite small, but they're just very, very loud and their impact is horrible. Gary, did I explain that correctly? Does that does that resonate?

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Yeah, and I think it's it's like the classic psychological case of the negative outweighing the positive, right? It's like these guys are terrible. And so anything that they're doing, it's super easy to recognize, and it's something you definitely want to avoid. It gets it drowns out the positivity that's out there. Um, nonetheless, we do want to look out for these guys. And so here are five tactics these parasitic men use. Now, again, standard caveats are I don't say this five different times because I know that'll get annoying, but it's like just because a guy does some element of this, it doesn't automatically make him a parasitic guy. Again, like Adam said, we kind of live in the nuance. And so it's like it raises the risk slightly each time. And it's just there are areas to be curious about as you go forward. Okay. So with that said, the first one, the first thing that these kind of guys do is they engage in what I call competence mirroring. And so if you're successful, you're constantly surrounded by people who, for one reason or another, they can't keep up intellectually, professionally, energetically, like you're go, go, go. And they're all like, What do we have to? Right. And like you're you're accomplishing things and they're like, isn't it enough? And you're like, well, no, no, no, like like you're hard driving, and that's okay, right? It's it's always gonna be like that to some degree. But then you come across this guy, and all of a sudden he matches your vocabulary, he matches your drive, he matches your ambition and your pace. And you're like, finally, finally, I found my guy. And now hopefully it's authentic and real. But these parasitic guys, they're like used car salesmen, where it's like they just kind of like notice and they collect information about you and they notice some of your patterns and some of your vocabulary, some of your mannerisms, and they'll start taking on your mannerisms. And he's just mirroring you back to you. And so he'll drop in little things like, oh my gosh, I'm just like that too. Or you sound just like me. And he'll dazzle you with a story that's a lot curiously like your stories, but just with him in it, like a week later. And it's like, huh, it feels familiar, and so that feels good. But what I want to make sure that you do with this, it's like a little trust but verify, but like check behind the curtain, right? Like look for actual things in his life that are outputs of his ambition. Does he have a lot of clients? Does he have colleagues who have known him for years? Does he have a tangible track record? And the one other thing with all this, because a lot of this is usually around it's competence bearing. So it's all around this idea of like, oh, we're on the same level. Here's the big dating insight you want a relationship partner, not a business partner. And so don't be too dazzled in any context about his business acumen. It's a bonus, it's not the main event. And so just don't get too impressed with competence in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Competence or commonalities, like it's really easy for a great used car salesman or a parasitic man to find commonalities. Oh, you like adventurous and just taken outside the business context, you love to do adventurous things. I do too. Oh my god, I'm so into those things. Is he really? Does he have examples? When's the last time this guy actually hiked a mountain? Like, I want to know. You know, like look, again, this is taking it into account. You know, we're looking at this from a skeptical frame, and that the commonalities are a wonderful thing throughout dating, but is it BS or does he have something to actually back it up with? And that's what we would just encourage you all to do when you're starting to date these guys. Is he full of crap? Is he just making things up in order to use the easiest trick in the book when it comes to dating and is just build basic commonalities with you? So that's like big brother talking 101. Do not get just like drawn in by these guys who are really good at building quick relatability with commonalities.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Here's another way they draw you in. Number two, what they weaponize vulnerability. And so if you're a success, you're a natural problem solver. When something's broken, you know how to fix it. That's your natural instinct. You're good at being in control, you're good at knowing what to do and how to help. That probably describes 90% of you listening to this podcast. Be careful though, because these parasitic guys, they love that vibe. And so they like that so much that they're gonna approach you not from a like, I'm a tough guy kind of perspective. They're not gonna be masculine and macho. They're gonna come in like that wounded animal, right? He's gonna have stories about the ex who betrayed him, the business partner who stole from him, the world that misunderstands him, the woe is me attitude. And so what he's really trying to do is tap into your competence, right? He presents a problem that only a woman of your specific intelligence, insight, and resources can really solve. Now, as much as this is a dynamic that's often portrayed in romance novels, this isn't one that you actually want. Right. It's like you're nice though, right? Because you don't want to abandon him, you don't want to let him down. And so, how many of you listening to this podcast right now have have fallen for this? Like, I feel like I see digital hands going up around the world as if like, like this is something that we all fall for. It's like if you're good at things, it's like, oh, I'm I'm gonna, I'm gonna help. And so, you know, to see how much this guy is really sincere. First, high character guys are not gonna come to you for help. Just not a thing. Right. But like when you offer help, are they actually doing anything with it? Like, what's the advice to action gap? Because someone who really needs help and is authentic about it. It's like, oh, you know, give me your perspective on how I can deal with this problem. And they're like, okay, cool. Now I have a plan, now I can go implement it. But these guys, they're not really looking for that. They're just looking for you to start doing things for them, which is, you know, something we remind clients of all the time is you're not a rehabilitation center for broken men. And a high character guy, he wants you to respect him. He doesn't want you to help him, at least, especially not at first.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Yeah, especially like on a first date. Like a guy comes in and is woe is me, and he's trying to appeal to that part of you, that type A part of you that loves a project. Like, I know all of you listening in, you love a project. I'm because I'm like you, I'm the same way. Like when I was dating, you know, I was a dating coach at the same time. Um, I was working with men at the time, I wasn't working with women, but I remember there were a few women I went out with where I'm like, oh my God, I could really get into this one. I think I could really help her out a lot. And it just appeals to a certain part of our like real wanting to fix people nature. It just appeals to that nature, but you gotta fight that, especially early on in dating. Now, of course, once you get to further on the relationship, you're an exclusive relationship, of course, we want to be there for our partner when they're down, and of course, uh vice versa. That's a healthy relationship dynamic. But if someone's trying to do this early on, this woe is me, so that you can come in and fill the gap, be cautious, be aware, do not lean in too much because it's a trap. It is a trap. And so, for those of you who are listening and you feel like you've fallen for that trap before, Gary and I put together a really special assessment. We basically took the data from 44,000 women that we have worked with over the past decade, and we start to analyze this data and look at why do certain archetypes, types of women, attract certain types of men? And we built what we call your attraction archetype. And so it's a very special nine question quiz that you can take. We'll leave a link in the description, or you can head on over to attractiontype.com. And once you understand your attraction archetype, you'll suddenly really understand why it is that you are attracting certain types of guys and why it is that we're responding to these types of guys in the ways that we do. So it's really powerful, it's really important. Head on over to attractiontype.com. You're not gonna want to miss it.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Yeah. So you mentioned something a second ago, Adam, that I think is really important to get back to, which is this idea that some of these things that we're talking about, like the vulnerability and needing help, that is a normal part of long-term relationships. And that's what makes all of this a little tricky, um, which is exactly why you want to listen to a podcast like this, so you can kind of understand the nuance and be aware of like different things at different times mean different things. And so the third one here squarely fits into this category, which is the third thing that a parasitic guy will do is he'll use social proof hijacking. And so one of the biggest complaints that we hear from our clients because of who we work with is they're successful, they're career-oriented, they have a bunch of accomplishments, and they're always like the men don't care. And it it's it's largely true, right? Like men don't necessarily it they don't put women's accomplishments on the on a pedestal in many ways. Now, I generally I will say I do think that that's a good thing. So the trick here though, with the parasitic guy is he's the opposite, he's like super into what you do, right? You've built his career, a reputation, a network, and this guy's like really into it, asking lots of questions. You've done all the work to put all this together, you've earned everything you have, and now he kind of like wants to get in on it a little bit, right? He almost wants to use you as like a trophy for himself, or use you for access to your resources, your network, just being seen with you sometimes. Sometimes it's just about feeling better about himself because he gets to have you in his orbit. And so there should be a certain amount of professional distance, particularly early on in dating, right? First six months, like keep your professional life siloed from your personal life. There's no reason for a new person you're dating to go to a work event or a work retreat and meet all of your colleagues in month one, month two, month three. And the guy who's a little keen about doing that, I'd be worried because most guys are frankly largely disinterested.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

So him being let me just jump in when you say this, because I know that there's gonna be some people who are like, Why are men disinterested in that? Sure. And I want to just like fill in at least what I think you might be saying, with at least my point of view, where high character men want to get to know the real you, not the professional you. So that's why Gary, uh, I don't want to put words in your mouth if that's fair to say.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, it's like, you know, we were saying a second ago, is like the relationship partner, not a business partner. And so the insight is the more curious, he should be more curious about who you are as a person and less interested in who you are as a career professional, right? Yeah. High character guys, they are not the last thing they're ever gonna do is ask for help from someone they just met, especially not somebody they're dating. Like asking for help is something we all do, but we you don't do that from someone you just met a week ago. Hey, can you help me out with this thing? No, no, no. Like, where are your long-term friends? Where are the people, like the solid people in your network that you typically turn to? Why are you turning to someone you just got to know recently for this kind of help? It when you start really thinking about it that way, it doesn't make sense. And that's why this kind of thing is a is a red flag.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Yeah, 100%. If you're in some type of executive and this guy is asking you for networking favors, oh my God, be so careful, be so careful. Because there are men out there who and people, I should say, it's not just men, women can be parasitic as well, who are using their mate value through online dating to get things from other people. And if you're feeling like if just you're getting that instinct that this person is using you in some way, shape, or form, then listen to that instinct. Because dating by nature early on, and actually throughout the healthy relationship, is about giving. Right? He should be in the giving state, wanting to add value to your life, not to be taking. It's just sitting with that. Is he feeling like a taker? Is he just trying to extract something from you, or is he giving and giving in order to build a relationship? That's like the big difference here. So just beware of those moments.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

All right, number four, it gets dark. There, these parasitic guys, this one gets a little bit dark. And this one I called the pedestal to prison trap. And so this is a guy, he idolizes you, right? He gives you all kinds of attention recognition. He knows how amazing you are, he treats your accomplishments and with the utmost respect. Everything you do is extraordinary. He just thinks you're absolutely wonderful. And that sounds great because frankly, you probably haven't gotten that much attention for these things in the past. But he might just be, you know, testing the fence, right? It's like in Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs would go around and test to see where the weaknesses were in the fence. Is that too obscure of a is that a male based only reference, probably? Um at another way that makes more sense is he's just looking for what buttons to push, right? Like kind of like where he can control you. Because if he's like, oh, she really likes me giving her her recognition for A, B, and C. Now, one of the ways this starts going wrong is he's he uses it as a power move to withhold that in the future because he knows exactly what you want. The second way that all this admiration goes bad, and it's that pedestal to prison aspect, is he puts you so high up. He says you're so amazingly wonderful that you know it's a standard that no person could realistically live up to. Right. And so you can't be anything less than flawless. And that starts to feel suffocating, right? Worse, and here's the dark part, is because you're he says you're perfect, you know you're not perfect, then he starts hammering you on how imperfect you are to make himself feel better than you. And that's where it gets dark and manipulative. And so the test for this, the thing you want to do early on is break this veil of perfection. You're not perfect, he's not perfect. Don't let him make you perfect. Just stop being today, I'm perfect, even if you're pretty perfect, right? Intentionally have low stakes failures, decisions you got wrong, a moment where you weren't your best, sometimes when you're uncertain. You know, he asks you a question. I to say I don't actually have the answer for that. And the insight here is perfection's never the goal. Perfection equals distance. We don't like perfection, we want flawed warmth. Like that's actually like that's genuine, that's human. And so focus on excellence and not perfection.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yeah, and that's how humans relate is through imperfection, it's not through perfection. I mean, relationships are built based on imperfection. Um, and so the final one, the final kind of sign of this parasitic man is that for lack of better term, this guy's just all been your business. All right, like you know, uh you see couples where they just spend every moment together. Isn't that so cute, Gary? They just they just do everything together, they completely merge their life. He does everything for you. Oh my god, isn't that so sweet? Like they wouldn't be able to function without each other, right? So beautiful, isn't it? Too far, too much, too.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

It's too much, right? And I think like this is one that like, particularly if you have more towards the anxious attachment side of things, this we do everything always together. Whew, it sounds amazing, it sounds practical, it's but it's it's really dangerous because it starts becoming a form of control. It's like a this emotional security blanket in a way that you never thought you needed, but like he's forcing himself into that role. So it feels like you can't live without him. And so it's like he's gonna help with, you know, some assisting with something, he's volunteering for something, he's gonna handle your logistics and work on your calendar and take things off your plate. And it's like part of, and this is what makes it tough because part of you is like, oh my God, that sounds amazing. But what he's doing, the parasitic guy, and again, not every guy, but the parasitic guy, he's engineering a false dependency. He's becoming the operations manager of your life in a way that makes it so like, oh my gosh, I can't break up with him because if I break up with him, then it ruins six other systems in my life, and that's a problem. And it feels like support and it feels like partnership. And Adam, I don't know about you, but if I'm honest, as a longtime 20, almost 25 years married man, I have some dependency on my wife.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

I, you know, it's like she has some dependency on me too. And like it's not forced dependence, but it's like there's something I do, a very essential role in this household that only I do. My daughter, no one else can do this. And that is I'm the sole owner operator of the spider and insect removal services. Ooh, that's important. So if I'm gone, that all falls apart. And so if my wife ever has to think about like divorcing me, she'd have to like think long and hard about like, I could get rid of them, but then what if what if a spider? What if a spider?

SPEAKER_00 22:36

I carry I hate to break it to you, man. I feel like that's like a $50 a month problem. Like, I think that's solvable. Like it's no way no. Yeah. I think that's an easy one. So I I think you gotta find another uh find another lane to add some value, man. I got two.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

But there's just saying there's some there's some engineered dependency there. But you can see, like all joking aside, you can see like you know, other more extreme versions of that um make it very hard to get out of uh a relationship that you need to get out of. And so the the insight is a high character guy. He's supportive, but he is not taking over, right? He's he's not like making it so you can't do things, he's he's adding something, not taking something away. And he's it's practical, and he's not trying to do everything for you because he knows you don't need him to do everything for you. And he also knows he doesn't have to do all these like practical things because he knows he's there for emotional support, and so that counts too. And high character guys know that and they bank on it, and they're not trying to do it in these other more practical ways. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

I'm gonna hype up Gary for a second because when he joined Love Strategies, something that he said that has forever stuck in the ethos of Love Strategies. And he said, Adam, we're not just a dating coaching company, we're a dating and relationship coaching company because you need to date in a way that you would want to in the same way you'd want to be in a relationship. Gary, I'm botching that. But Gary, how would you say that? The way you date sets up the relationship that forms. So much better. See, this is why Gary runs this. But it's so important to recognize that when you are in a healthy relationship, there's a healthy synergy there. That's why little love step number seven is all about building relationship synergy. In essence, like basically one plus one equals three or four, because you both are giving and giving in the relationship and yet adding in a multiplicative way to each other's lives. And so for those of you who are listening who are like, I feel like I'm only attracting guys who are takers. I'm not attracting men who are givers. It's time to really take a hard look at why. Where is that coming from? Why are we drawn to those types of men? And the best way to do that is by jumping on a session with someone on my team. It's completely free. It's called a complimentary love strategy session. It's where we're gonna really dive deep into some of your patterns, what's been showing up for you, where it is that you want to go in a healthy relationship. And we're gonna guide you. We're gonna help you build what we call a love vision on that session. And by the end of the session, we'll see whether or not we can help you with our executive love coaching. Because that's all we do around here. We guide our clients through a very specific series of steps and support systems to get them from where they are now to a healthy relationship. So if that sounds good to you, just head on over to loveapply.com or click the link in the description. We have a few sessions as of today. The last time I looked, we have a few sessions available. Um, we don't have a ton because, of course, you know, we only have so much staff, so many people on staff here. But I would definitely jump on that, jump on that session. We're here to guide you every single step of the way. Again, that's loveapply.com. Click that link in the description. And Gary, this is fantastic. I appreciate your time, man.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Thanks, man.