Love Strategies: Dating and Love Advice for Successful Women
Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help women attract high-value men, date with strategy, and deepen their romantic relationships. We provide the latest research in dating and relationships, combined with plain old common sense, to give you insights into the male mind found nowhere else. Hosted by Adam LoDolce and Dr. Gary Lewandowski.
Love Strategies: Dating and Love Advice for Successful Women
What Attracts a Man Vs. What Keeps a Man for Life
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Does physical attraction really matter for long-term love? In this episode, Dr. Gary Lewandowski and Adam LoDolce discuss the qualities that keep a couple together for a lifelong partnership.
Originally Aired: Oct 17, 2022
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If anybody knows what a best friend really is like, women are the ones that know. And so when you start applying that same standard to your partner, all of a sudden you're wondering, like, why am I letting him get away with this stuff? I would never let my best friend talk to me like this. And so it should be the exact same standard for both your female best friends and your romantic partner. It's the same type of relationship.
SPEAKER_01Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Bulce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Alright, so Gary, the topic of this week's podcast is what gets you together versus what keeps you together. So let's kick this thing off, dude, and tell me what got you together with your wife? Let's just get personal, baby.
SPEAKER_00All right. Well, you know, as someone who has studied relationships as long as I have and has done a bunch of science on relationships, I should have a really, really profound answer. The secret to success, right? Um, I don't have that. Uh what I have is the honest answer, which is just simply my wife's hot. And so I I I kind of knew who she was. I I found out she was, you know, about to move in upstairs. I I saw her kind of moving her stuff in. I was like, yeah, I should go talk to her. Um, and then you know, that that's that's really all it took. And and one thing led to another, and and here we are today, 20 years later.
SPEAKER_01Are you sure you're a professor and not like a college student calling your wife hot, just starting that off that way? I love it. Do you say that to your students?
SPEAKER_00I don't I don't call them hot, but I would I use that exact term, and I tell I will tell them it is a very technical term. Yeah, just hot. I love it. I love it. So, how about you? How did uh you and Jess get together? What was the secret sauce?
SPEAKER_01Oh, well, it was New Year's Day 2015 after uh a pretty wild night at this this bar. So I stayed there all night that night with my friend. I was in a pretty wild time in my life, and then I woke up the next morning, he's like, you know what's better than New Year's Eve? New Year's Day, and I got these girls that I want to meet there. I'm like, done and done. And the moment I saw her at 9 a.m. with just like dark, baggy, you know, dark eyes over. I was like, oh my god. And yes, was is she incredibly attractive? I yes, absolutely, and certainly to me, but it was also her energy. There was definitely just like a level of of chemistry, and I it it definitely goes in that bucket of attraction, right? Initially, it wasn't like I didn't get to know who the essence of who she was at that time, that day necessarily. I just got a f a feel for her vibe and who she was, and we we had great chemistry. Um, and that's definitely what drew me to her the first day.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, and I see a lot of that stuff, you know, that there's very little, you know, how somebody looks is like the one thing you can know when you know nothing about them. Right. Right? And like in those early stages, you know so little about the person, and so it's just kind of like you're going on instinct, you're going on gut, you're going on just that emotional energy, and so it's that excitement, it's the adrenaline, and it's it's a very different process than you know what happens 10-15 years later.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it can be it's it's the most exciting thing in the world when you meet someone that you're incredibly attracted to and you're interested in and you want to know more about them, but I think it can also be kind of dangerous if that's all you rely on. And with like what we do in Love Accelerator, I want to hear what you guys do and talk about in relationship synergy as well about this. But you know, we talk about this concept, I call it the lasting love formula, and there's really three things ultimately we want in our lifelong partner. The first is, of course, attraction, and that's usually pretty easy for people. Like when I saw Jessica, I was attracted to her. Oh my god, that's an easy one. But the other thing with the bags under the eyes, right? Yeah, with the bags under the eyes. I don't think she was attracted to me. No, actually, I know for a fact she wasn't. She was just like, who is this guy? This guy's like crazy. Uh and I I was. I was I probably just didn't get enough sleep. Uh so there's attraction, there is friendship. I think that's a cornerstone that that encompasses kind of like a lot of different things. We can talk about if you want. Uh and the third is just compatibility. And do you want the same things? Are your lives compatible with one another? Are you on the same page? And that could be religious uh ideas, uh, your personal values, and so on and so forth. And I think when the point of all this, I'm not trying to get into teacher mode, but the point of all this is I think too many people, especially when we're younger, rely on attraction as our sole kind of force for who we're gonna end up with. And they don't think about friendship. Is he respectful? Is he kind? Do we like each other? Or compatibility? Like, our do our lives even make sense, or does he live 2,000 miles away and it's like a long-distance relationship? And so I think it can get a lot of people in trouble if that's all they rely on.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and you know, I mean, you're talking about three different ingredients, and those three ingredients are are more important at different times of your relationship, right? The attraction is unavoidable early on, right? I mean, to get you together, you need that attraction element. You're not gonna have friendship in the first week, month, whatever. I mean, that that takes some time to develop. And so you're right. I mean, the mistake people make is they try to have that one component, the attraction component, carry them through for the whole relationship and rely solely on that. The problem is we're all we're all getting less attractive over time.
SPEAKER_01I don't know about you, man, but I'm I've gotten like ten times less attractive in the past like three months. Just like it's it's exponential for me right now. I don't know.
unknownExactly.
SPEAKER_00For sure.
SPEAKER_01But it's like podcasts, because uh the YouTube, like people don't want to see me on video anymore, so we're just going to audio, and that's gonna really help things out.
SPEAKER_00All audio, all pictures, uh, you know, from about here up, then we're good.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, they don't see the beer belly. I love it.
SPEAKER_00Um, you know, what we talk about in relationship with science is we talk about the difference between passionate and companionate love. And you know, passionate love is that you know, you you're preoccupied with them, they're perfect, there's this strong attraction, it's all that high energy, the physical component. Um, and that's great. That's what gets you together. But what keeps you together is companionate love. You know, what you're talking about on friendship is like your partner should be your best friend. You need to have things in common, you need to laugh about the same things and enjoy some of the same activities. Um, and you can't switch them out. Like you want the passion to continue, sure, but like there is a transformation that just naturally hope happens over time, and you just have to realize they're different processes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's true. I mean, and I agree, and I've I've read a lot of the literature on companion love versus passionate love, and I love your stuff. And I I think the reason why, at least I call I talk about friendship and compatibility, I kind of break it out a little bit differently. I like the word friendship just because everyone has had, or most people have had, a really close friend before. And so we kind of know what that feels like when you have a friend you can rely on, that you can connect with, that you don't feel like you're hiding your true self, that you feel like there's just like there's just that spark between the two of you. There's trust, right? And when you can start I've seen a lot of women who are in bad relationships where they're super attracted to the guy, he's a bad boy, and all that stuff, and even in the early phases, a couple months in, whatever. But I'll be like, would you ever consider him to be a friend or display qualities of your closest friends? And they're like, Dear God, no. He's terrible to me. Right? He's not a nice he's like not a nice person to me. And and that it can kind of help people get hopefully through that a little bit and fight that force of attraction that can take hold uh over us. And it really is a very addictive feeling. I mean, that that this first couple months, I mean, our brain chemistry gets literally rewired, doesn't it? I mean, you tell me you're the science guy, but like my understanding is that it can be as addictive as drugs, I mean hard drugs, like it does some of the same exact stuff, right?
SPEAKER_00You get that dopamine rush, and and you know, it it really is overpowering, and that's why you know we just get flooded with all these feelings, and it's easy to kind of let that take over and feel like you're falling out of love when when it starts to subside a little bit. But yeah, you know, going back to that friendship thing, I think it's a particularly good question for women to consider because frankly, when it comes to friendships, women are much better at it than guys are, right? So females, their best friends, are like legit best friends, like they know everything, they're close, it is all the key components. So if anybody knows what a best friend really is like, women are the ones that know. And so when you start applying that same standard to your partner, all of a sudden you're wondering like, why am I letting him get away with this stuff? I would never let my best friend talk to me like this. And so it should be the exact same standard for both your female best friends and your romantic partner. It's the same type of relationship. Your romantic partner just also is best friend plus passion, right? You still have that passion attraction element as well.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. So there's attraction, there's friendship, and then I think of the compatibility piece is kind of our brain coming along with our heart, right? It's like yeah, you can have attraction and you can also have friendship with a person. But like are you a devout Jew and he is Christian? And both of you, it's very important for you to marry within your faith. Like, and and to me, I'm not religious, so to me, I'd be like, you know what, just get married anyways. Come on, that's that's not that's not a thing. But for other people, that is very, very important. And and I think there's the compatibility piece, which I think most people will love usually prevails. I'd be curious on your thought. Do you feel like love prevails in those situations? And and uh do people overlook a lot of those pieces just to kind of go along with the those emotions that they feel when they first fall in love?
SPEAKER_00For sure, right? I mean, I see that compatibility stuff as some of just the pragmatics of relationships, right? Like, yeah, am I a morning person and you're a night person, right? It's do we eat the same kinds of food? Are you do I like steak and you're a vegan? Like, I mean, we that's an issue, right? And so a lot of that stuff gets revealed over time, particularly, you know, the first time you start living together, you start figuring out a lot quick, right? Oh my god, dear God, yeah. Like, and it's a lot of stuff you did you wish you didn't know, right? But by then, all of that brain chemical stuff has already taken hold, right? And so we put a lot of emphasis on the emotional feelings, and then we don't like you you mentioned it as a brain thing, and I think that's a really great way to think about it because it it's very practical. And we're like, nope, love, love finds a way, love, love is all that matters, and so a lot of that compatibility stuff we do kind of you know let go, right? It's a standard we might have had and wished for, but it's like, nah, we have the other parts that are more important. Um, and and sometimes that can get us in trouble.
SPEAKER_01Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast? Really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love. And uh, I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.
SPEAKER_00Alright, so we spent a lot of time talking about you know what attracted us to our wives, like what got us together. So now I'm curious, Adam, like what has kept you together over the years?
SPEAKER_01Um a lot of things. I mean, I think the the key things are having wanting to spend your days together and do the same types of things, I think is really, really important. Actually liking the person, not just loving them, is incredibly important. Um I also think that there's so many things about Jessica that I couldn't have known. Like I just feel like I got so lucky about like and she's this incredible counterbalance to me. And I don't know if it's me just backward rationalizing, like because I love her, because I'm in it, I'm caught in this relationship. But like to me, it's like she's very like financially well thought, like she's she's we're on the same page financially, which I know is incredibly important in relationships. It's an absolute deal breaker for a lot of people, and she's just very fun to be around and a very pleasant person to be around. But I didn't know all that necessarily was gonna be that way. Uh so I don't know if I'm backward rationalizing. What do you think?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, I I think we luck into some things, and like you, you you know, it love is about discovery, right? And sometimes you discover that you know they clap when a plane lands, and sometimes you discover that they're a really great person to talk to, right? And it's like you take you take the good with the bad. Right. Um, you know, at least in in my case, I mean, what has kept me together with my wife Colleen? I mean, it's been 20 years. It's she I admire her so much. Like, she is literally the nicest, kindest person that I've ever met. Right. Like, she is positive pretty much all the time. She's she's happy all the time. Like, it's not there's no drama, there's not a lot of there's not an emotional roller coaster thing. Like, she knows how to argue the right way, right? Like, it's we we have arguments and things, we have disagreements because we're human, but like she's not crazy about it, right? Like, you know, it's like she can let things go, right? And so at some point, like you get to a point you just gotta let things go and kind of move on. And like we we both kind of are very emotionally uh of the same kind of even keel, and so that's super helpful too. And it's it's like you said, I there's nothing of I didn't know any of that when the you know I saw the first time. I was like, this girl's hot. It's just kind of worked out that she was also a wonderful relationship partner, and you know, we've we've improved together, we've grown together, and we both kind of have that as a value where we want to you know grow and improve together, and so you know, we're we definitely feel like the the two of us together are better than the two of us by ourselves, and and that's a big part of it too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I found that there's some people who are more disciplined than others when it comes to dating. Like for me, when I think back to my dating life, there were just some women I dated that I found very attractive, but I just didn't like them as a human being after a while. It didn't take me long to realize that, right? Right and I I don't know if it's discipline, but I just didn't want to be around them. But I know so many of my clients who will reach that same point with a guy, but they cannot leave him. Like they just they're just so caught up in this. Do you have any sense as to why some people and I'd be curious to even in your situation, like do you feel like if you found something out about your wife, maybe she was a little bit emotionally volatile, right? Like, would you have the discipline to have walked away or were you just like in it, uh so in it that you couldn't? I don't know. I mean, there and I find this word of discipline to be an important part of at least why we're you know, why we're so successful with our clients, because that's what we push really hard. Sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because I I think it, you know, this discipline it it's a thoughtful, purposeful, intentional approach, right? And so when you ask, would I have been I mean, I would like to, you know, go back and think, yeah, of course, I I would have been disciplined enough to s get out of that relationship. And you know, I think to a previous relationship, and when I when that I was disciplined enough, I kind of realized it wasn't gonna work out and I was the one to get out. Um, but it's that you know, I say that it's it's not that easy, right? I mean, we we know it's it's a struggle, but it's that's why it's important to kind of realize that getting together with somebody is nice. Like we want to have a partner, but that's not the special part. In fact, it's it's in many ways the easy part, particularly for women. Women want a relationship partner, they're gonna have no problem finding somebody. The key is you want a good partner. And so to find that good partner, it's it's gonna take a little bit more, right? And it's gonna take some more of that discipline to really make sure that you're maintaining your your standards, like you're you're sticking to your love vision, and you know, you're able to follow through in this thoughtful, intentional way that that we talk about.
SPEAKER_01Right. I I really do think like community is such an important part of being disciplined and having guardrails throughout the process. Because I know for a fact myself, like I do have those guardrails in my life through friends and family, and I and I I can point back to certain people in my life, certainly when I was dating a lot, who would just be like, hey man, I just want to give you a second thought on this. And I think that that's um why being a part of any community is really, really important for those women out there who are especially very lonely and trying to do this alone. And whether it's our community or any community out there, truly, um, finding your people who can give you that real feedback to to make you kind of think twice. If you're getting involved with a guy that you're so overwhelmed with this like excitement and uh what is it, neuropenniferin, dopamine, you know, serotonin, everything that's flowing through your veins, it's really hard to make the right decisions uh uh in relationships. And just having someone who can like kind of second guess you a little bit, uh you know, with the right intentions, um I think can be extremely helpful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean you need that objectivity because when you're in it, you want it to work. We're geared to be in relationships. I mean, we're you know, we're brain geared towards wanting to be in relationships and making those connections, particularly as women, like you've been socialized your whole life to be good at relationships and for that to be a big part of your identity. And so you want relationships to work, and so you're motivated to make them work at any cost. One of the ways you do that, particularly early on, is you start thinking about and pointing out all the things that are going well. And that's just natural. It's like, oh, look at you know, everybody likes to be right. It's like, oh, I'm in a great relationship. And here's X, Y, Z reasons why. Here's the problem, though, it's like early in a relationship, the fact that you can point out some good things, I mean, this sounds like a jerky thing to say, but it's not special. Right? Early in relationships, all that good stuff is easy. That's the easy part. It's easy to have a bunch of good stuff early on. And so if you're really banking in all those easy things that this is what makes my relationship so amazing, that's that's gonna be tough. And so that's where like you really have to you know do some things to give your relationship some legs, give it some staying power, to you know, turn that thing that's all about excitement into something that's about stability and dependability. Yeah, and that's not always the easiest transition.
SPEAKER_01So the real question I have for you here's the hundred billion trillion dollar question is Is there any real way to predict the future of your relationship and predict where a person's going? Because, like, you know, people have been using astrology, anything they can to be like, is he the right person for me? Is it gonna be perfect and all of this BS, yap, yap, yap, yep, yap? But and and I like to think like, oh, I know where Jessica's going. I like to know, like, I think where I'm gonna end up, and it's gonna be great. But then I look at a lot of older couples who are just like nagging at each other and clearly are just not on the same page. And I'm sure when they were in their 30s and recently married, they were probably like, oh my god, this is the greatest thing in the world. So, how do you make a real prediction? Can you, for starters, in your opinion, make that prediction? Is there any science that backs that up? And also, like, how do you navigate that when you're trying to predict any future? I don't I don't know. I'm I'm not convinced that there is a way to truly predict that.
SPEAKER_00I mean, what I find from from a lot of hardcore science is you need two things. You need uh a Ouija board and crystals. Amen. I got I got both of them. No, so you know what Ouija boards and crystals is not the answer. Um I was just saying a second ago about how like you know, all that stuff early on, all that positive things that are going on is not special. Like every relationship starts off with good things. One of the things we know from the research is that while it's true that relationships all start off with good things, the relationships that stay together start off with fewer costs, fewer bad things. Right. And so costs are generally kind of minimal early on. They should be very minimal early on. But like those relationships that stay together are really minimal. They're like, there's virtually no costs, right? There's virtually no bad sides early on. The ones that have a hard time staying together, they have a couple of costs right from the beginning. And what we know from the divorce literature is that the things that end up getting you divorced don't pop up out of nowhere over time. They were there from the beginning, and you just kind of let it go. And like that brain chemistry, dopamine stuff just kind of like was like, no, don't look at that, ignore that. That's not a problem. And turns out when you start ignoring problems, like they don't go away, they they just grow and get bigger, right? Yeah. Um so that's that's definitely a problem.
SPEAKER_01Right. His narcissistic tendencies turn into just full-blown narcissism, and you know, in a few years, once like it all kind of like wears off, and you're like, oh my god, this is who I'm left with. Oh dear God help me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and sort of like, you know, this is a person you agreed to be with, and you know, this is the rules of your game. And you know, you can only tolerate things for so long before you're like, okay, enough, enough, pal. Like that, that's just I can't deal with this anymore. Yeah. Um, you know, so you know, you ask the other thing that's kind of what's the key ingredient? Like, how do you end up in that old bitter couple, or how do you avoid being that old couple who fights all the time and things? And I think you know, the one mechanism that underlies everything for relationship success, and this is kind of a cheating answer because it's not like a one simple thing, right? It's like effort. You have to be willing to put in the effort. Like, too many times we take this approach to our relationships where it's like once we find the right person, you know, it's a set it and forget it, and we just kind of like assume like we're done now.
SPEAKER_01Put the jersey off, you put the jersey on for dating, you get out there, do your whole thing, and then it's like you're in a relationship and you just get that, you know, whatever it is. You just no, not it has nothing to do with physical. You just let it go, you stop caring.
SPEAKER_00I totally get that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's it's like one of those sayings that you know applies to relationships like your actions reveal your priorities. And so if Your relationship is a priority, you gotta take action. Like, you have to be willing to do some things, you gotta learn new information, learn new skills, be able to like manage your expectations and how you're thinking about your relationship. And that's all stuff that you know many people aren't willing or able to pull off in a reasonable way. And so, you know, sadly, we know the happiest you are, and this this sounds awful, but this is what the research shows. That it just it it is what it is, I guess. But it's like people say like the happiest your relationship is ever gonna be is when you walk down the aisle, and then from that moment on, it's just it it's constantly going down, and it's like that's true. And it's when I give talks and I talk to my students, I tell them that's all true, but that's all true for people who haven't spent the time to learn more about how to do better at this. And so that there's a little bit of hope in there too.
SPEAKER_01Does the does the literature say it's more I could see that it'd be more exciting, more joyful, more h like the word happy is different than fulfilling. So, like, do I feel happy if I am, I don't know, doing a line of cocaine or whatever? Okay, probably. I don't know. I'm not, you know, whatever, I'm not into that stuff. But like let's say, yeah, that would make me happy, but is it fulfilling? And I think that maybe there is, and I'd be curious, you probably know you know the literature better than I, which is like, does it maybe it's exciting and it's it's happy, it's all that stuff, but when you grow older together, it's deeper and more fulfilling and more trust, especially if you're doing the right work.
SPEAKER_00Sure, it has to be. And this is you know another one of those things that this is the difference between you know what gets you together and what keeps you together. Getting when you're getting together, it's about happiness, right? Because it's very it's right there in the moment. Like, I want to be happy, I enjoy spending time with you, you're exciting, you're mysterious, you're interesting. Like, happy, happy, happy, happy. Great. Happiness is is still great later on, but it's not nearly as important as fulfillment. Fulfillment is something that it's about meaning, it's about growth, it's uh it's about something tangible and long-lasting. And it's like we all want to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and you know, fulfillment is about being part of something bigger than yourself, and a lot of times that's you know, you and your relationship. It's like, are you making a difference? And you know, you can do that in lots of different ways. It's you know, sometimes it's through having kids or you know, doing things in your community, or just the the kinds of things that you guys do together. It's it's they're different goals, and fulfillment is definitely the better goal.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it also just depends on where you're where you are in your life. And like, so an ungodly amount of my time is spent trying to convince a woman, because I only coach women, who are dating guys that are not good for them, clearly, and they know it, trying to appeal to the rational side that like they need to say that magical four-letter word, which is next, and move on to the next. And that's what we always say. And it's so it I find it just to be so challenging in the way that I always try to appeal to that is to ask them what do you value in your life right now? Is it excitement? Uh-huh. Is it uh being able to do whatever you want? Freedom? Is it being able to is it just like that not being sure if he's there or not, feeling that hot and cold feeling? If that's what you desire, go casually date. Right? But if you desire security, if you desire fulfillment, if you desire something meaningful, then we need to be looking for we need to be, first off, intentional about finding that, and then only accepting people who are willing to fulf fulfill that need. And it's it it's it's so challenging over and over again to have this conversation, but it can be really helpful, I think, for people, especially when you're in it, to be like, yeah, you know what? I do value security. And if I'm gonna have security and fulfillment, it might mean that things are a little bit less exciting. Like healthy relationships really are boring sometimes. Like the most you know, like rolling, rolling over in the in bed and just like talking about like what happened yesterday. It's not it's not what it was when you first start dating, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_00But I think it's comforting and reassuring, right? It's it's it's a very different animal, right? It's it's why you don't see too many stable relationships portrayed in the media because it is boring. Like it's just it's so standard. And so, you know, it's funny you talk about you know, what do people want and you know, thinking about it. I I always ask people to think about the future. It's not what you want, it's what you want now, but it's also like, what do you think you're gonna want in five years? What do you think you're gonna want in ten years? Because that's you're thinking about you're in this for the long haul, right? And it it's like people are I always equate it to jobs, right? It's like you know, being a bartender is fun. It's a fun job, right?
SPEAKER_01I've always wanted to be a bartender. How did you make my like favorite like job? That's what I'm gonna do when I retire is be a bartender.
SPEAKER_00Like how cool would that be? Like a little tiki bar, like so. I mean, that's fantastic. Okay, but now is that gonna be fun in 20 years? Right. Right? Like, is it is that really gonna be something that you want to be doing later in life? And it's like probably not. Like it's you don't want to be the old bartender, right?
SPEAKER_01Is that even fun by the second day on the job? It's like hooking up with that guy that's like really cute and whatever, and then you hook up with him, you're like, uh, what did I do? I feel dirty. You know, funny, funny topic on this whole bartender thing. Jessica, her like she always would say this. She's like, I just want to work at a brewery and I want to like be back there and do all this stuff. And we're at a brewery a couple years ago. We're sitting there having a beer at a local brewery, and I was like kind of teasing Jessica. I'm like, yeah, her greatest, I don't know, however I said, I'm like, I she really wants to be a brewer. And she they're like, it's so funny, we have an open job. Like, do you want to do it? And Jessica's like, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it. And they're like, okay, great. So you gotta be here on Saturday night, Sunday night, and then do this. And she's like, Can I do this on like Tuesday nights from like 4 p.m. to 7 p.m.? So I'm home for dinner. They're like, right? No, like, and you also gotta clean the keg, you gotta do all this stuff.
SPEAKER_00She went at a hobby.
SPEAKER_01She went in a hobby, and they're like, no, you need to work a job, okay?
SPEAKER_00And uh and like you said, you know, even that'd be fun, it'd be fun for a little bit a little while, but at that time in your life, but then in 10 years, is that still gonna be the same kind of fun? It's not gonna be fulfilling, right? It's it's gonna bring some happiness, some temporary fun, but it's not gonna bring fulfillment in the same way something a little bit more substance is really gonna bring to you. So, how do you date?
SPEAKER_01Uh, because I'm the I'm gonna always ask you questions about dating because this is this is the world I live in. But how do you date in a way that sets you up for long-term fulfillment like that, without being a wet blanket and without being boring, right? Like you don't want dating should be fun and exciting, but also should set you up for long-term success. I have my answer, but I'm I'm curious on yours more importantly. How do you do that? Because what what do a lot of women do, just as you're thinking about it, or a lot of people will go into dating very serious and they'll kind of treat it like a job interview, which is also very unattractive and not very exciting and interesting as well. So we don't want to do that either, you know?
SPEAKER_00I mean, I think you it I think it always starts with knowing yourself and knowing what you want, right? You have to be really clear about what about what you want, and so you know, you definitely don't want to treat it like a job interview, but you you also in the back of your mind you have to kind of know why you're there and like you know, be able to keep your eye on the prize, so to speak, right? Like you gotta go out there and have fun because it it all starts that way, but then you have to kind of date with some intentionality as well in terms of the conversations and just kind of gauge where the other person's at. Um because without that intentionality, there's a really strong pull of inertia, right? Like, so you can have like the super fun, happy guy, right? You're dating him for a while, and it's like after you're dating him for six months, then you start getting like the well, we've been in six months, like what else am I gonna do? So you kind of like you just start staying for the wrong reasons. And so if you don't have that intentionality, um I don't know. So, what do you think? Like, what you you said you have an answer. What do you think? Let's see. Let's hear your answer, pal. You're the dating guy.
SPEAKER_01So I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I'm just I'm I'm very like what what we teach is and and the synergy steps with what you do is very in line with this, like, is having a love vision. And that's what we call little love step number two. So we get very clear about what are our absolute deal breakers and what are our needs. And our needs can't be a list that is 300 pages long with a hundred different responses, right? We no one can date like that because no one is ever going to meet that. But there can be a few critical things that are absolute needs, and we write that in a love vision, and we connect with it on an emotional level, and we actually put it down, post it to the community, post it to everyone, and that is our discipline, that is our North Star. And whenever I'm working with clients and they start dating, and they inevitably meet guys, they'll go out there flirting, having fun, meeting lots of guys, low emotional investment early on, because they haven't really met anyone, but they have this love vision, and what happens is boom, when they meet a guy that they really like, that's when the entire process kicks into gear. And I'm always like, Do they meet your love vision? Go back to your love vision right now, like pull it up, and you're like, I gotta pull up my love vision. Does he does he actually meet that? And and sometimes he might not. But it that's okay. Sometimes there's something that maybe is just like not now important, and you've realized that it's it's not meant to like be this you know, tattoo on your arm that is there in blood and and and scar tissue, right? It's just there to kind of keep that that that brain along with us. And um I think it should make it harder, it should make it easier, right? Yeah, that's the point. That's the point.
SPEAKER_00You kind of like have this you have this idea ahead of time before you go in, right? So then you actually like with a you know, that was like your clear, thoughtful way to approach it so that you don't let some of these other things override, right? So it's like I really do want him to have a job. Like that really is important.
unknownYeah, right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exactly. Or be working with his band, right? Like, I mean, like you have to like you want to make sure that there are certain, like you said, deal breakers, these absolute must-haves, um, and and having that clear, like you said, North Star, I I think is really smart.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And it can be a moving document. I mean, I came across my my personal love vision from like seriously, this is from like 12 years ago. I didn't call it a love vision back then. Uh I probably when I was coaching men had a probably different term. Love vision is probably not as like geared for men, you know. Uh but I had I had that type of thing, and I remember one of them was when I was reading it a couple years ago, but it was like, I want to be with someone who's very spiritual. And I don't, I'm not even spiritual. Like, and I think back to that time, I think I was in like a big yoga phase, and I was just into that whole scene. And like, it's so funny looking back on that, and I was probably getting into that scene. I do, I do remember vaguely dating in that group, and I found that the type of women I was connecting with that were in that group actually I wasn't getting along with at all. Like, because that's not me. So just remember, it's it's not like again, it's not a tattoo on your arm, it's it's a North Star, and it can be a changing document. And honestly, so long as you have something there that you're thinking this through, and the fact that you're even listening to a podcast right now shows that you're already in the 99.9% of people who are being intentional about this stuff. You're bringing your brain along with it. And just realize that attraction doesn't necessarily mean love, it's lust. There's passionate love and there's companionate love. And uh, I think that can be really helpful. So um, yeah, I mean that's that's what I think is is can really guide you towards something that is is healthier for you long term.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and you said, you know, it could change. I I I would say it should change, right? It should change because you should change. Like you should be evolving and changing and growing. And so, you know, what you want, your expectations, your love vision, I mean, that that's got to change along with you as well.
SPEAKER_01We've talked a lot about a lot today, and I want to ask you, what do you think in the end, what's most important? What gets you together versus what keeps you together? What's most important?
SPEAKER_00I okay, so this is maybe not fair. They're both important, right? So they're clearly both important. But if I if I had to pick one that's more important, I'm definitely gonna pick the staying together. Like what keeps you together, that's gonna be more important because I I think it's the harder part. I think it's the part that takes a little bit more effort, and I think it's the part for whatever reason that people just don't put as much effort into. Right? I mean, we we kind of spend so much time thinking about who we're gonna be with and can we find the special person. We almost have this overly romantic ideal about how relationships are gonna go. Like, as long as I find the Mr. Wright, then everything else is gonna take care of itself, and we just kind of let the relationship piece actually just go. Um, so I I I think that part's more important.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I mean I I agree. I it's such a tricky one to answer. I mean, attraction is cheap, I will say that. Like people I'm attracted to people all the time. I mean, just I'll walk down the street, I'm attracted to women. Uh it doesn't go away the moment you got a ring on your finger. Um and so attraction is cheap, chemistry is cheap, flirting is cheap, uh going on a couple dates with someone, you have a great connection, that's that's easy stuff. Um so I will agree with you that the real uh effort and work comes in later on. However, I will say, because I'm the dating guy and that's what I do. When you date the with the strategy in the right way, I think it can really set you up for a long-term success. The way that you date is ultimately how you're gonna end up in a relationship and the quality of the person you end up with. And especially when you don't date with the mentality that you're fine looking for the one or there's that one soul, your soulmate, blah, blah, blah. It's more, let's go out there, let's talk to lots and lots of people, let's flirt, every learn how to flirt, learn how to connect, learn how to ask questions, learn how to slow down before we commit our hearts, and so on and so forth, learn how to set boundaries. If you can do that, man, I think uh I think they're the same.
SPEAKER_00Can I answer that way? Yeah, no, it's that's kind of how I started. Is like I think they're they're obviously both important. It's it's like you know, computer programmers have this saying, garbage in, garbage out, right? Yeah. And so you can't it's really gonna be hard to have a really great, long-lasting relationship if you don't if you're not with the right person, right? It's like trying to make this really great meal with horrible ingredients. Like it's it's just not gonna work, right? So you gotta have the good ingredients to start with.
SPEAKER_01Al also, I think, and I'd be curious on your thoughts, and we can end with this, uh, is I think some people have are better at uh dating, and some people are better in relationships. And so I know for myself, for example, when I came out of college, I was probably better at relationships. I wasn't great at dating. So that was like my big gaping hole that I needed to fix. And then I work with a lot of people who I help with their dating life, but then they need real they don't know how to do relationships. I think they're very different skills. So it also just depends on what are your deficiencies.
SPEAKER_00What do you think? Yeah, I I think you know you're right. Some people are gonna be better at certain things. I mean, I'm thinking between those two, I'm definitely better at relationships than than dating for sure. Um, but you know, that they're com they go hand in hand, right? It's like, you know, if you're not good at dating, then you're you're you're just gonna kind of find anybody and then try to make it work with anybody, and that's not gonna be so helpful. So, you know, but if you get better at dating, right? It's a skill like anything else, so you can learn and get better. You find better partners. Now, once you spend all that time and effort and energy to find that better partner, if you're not so good at relationships, right, you gotta build that skill too so that you can carry that through, and so all that time and energy isn't wasted, and you know, you're right back to where you started.
SPEAKER_01So, long story short, both matters of being intentional about both. And uh just, you know, again, uh for those who are listening, I'm uh just by being here right now, you are already so far ahead of so many people. So, Gary, any final thoughts? That's it for me.
SPEAKER_00Well, just you know, I keep saying, you know, the effort is important, and just remember like the work you put into your relationship is always gonna be worth it. And so, like Adam just said, you know, if you're one of the people watching this, you know, you're already somebody who's already willing to put in the work, and just know that that is gonna be worthwhile and result in the kind of relationship you you've always wanted. Amen. All right, we'll leave it on that. Thanks, Gary.
SPEAKER_01Bye. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head on over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and uh speak to you next week.
