SPEAKER_00 0:00

Did you know that men fall in love twice as fast as women do? And when a man is truly falling for someone or even is really desiring her, he's gonna miss her. And so in today's podcast, we're gonna discuss how to really make a man desire you, how to make a man miss you, but we're gonna do it without playing any silly little mind games, right, Gary? No hacks, no games. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Ladolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

And it's like some version of like text this, not that. Wait, if you wait 2.7542 hours to respond to a text, that's the sweet spot. But only reply with seven to 13 words, making sure while you do it, you wear a certain color, but not this other thing. It's like post this picture and it's going to activate his amygdala in this way that stimulates his hunter-gatherer response, right? That sounds really good, but I literally just made that up. And that's like how so much of this advice online goes. But that's not to say that there's not psychology behind this idea of how to make somebody miss you. It's essentially marketing. It's like, how can we make sure that this fantastic product of who we are sticks in somebody's mind? Because if you have a great product that no one can remember, you might as well not exist. And I think that's something I know, you know, hear from clients, just this sense of like, you know what? It's like sometimes I just feel invisible. And gosh, that's a tough way to feel when you're dating. Um, and so this is really how to make a man miss you, but also how to make you a little bit more visible and help you really stick out.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

I want to just double-click into what you just said about a product issue rather than kind of like maybe I'm putting words in your mouth in like a marketing issue. I think that's a really interesting because a lot of just like in business, you know, I happen to be a CEO of a company, there's a lot of people who will try and market their product more and be like, oh, we have a marketing problem, we have a marketing problem. And you're like, but your product sucks and no one wants it. You know, like it's just not good. Like, look at the reviews, it's just not good. And then there's some people on the other side who have a great product and then terrible marketing. But it's really like in dating, I think a lot of people, and this is gonna sound harsh, we're very drawn to the marketing messages, which is what you just described. It's like, oh, if I just change my dress color, then suddenly I'm gonna make him miss miss me. I'm gonna tap into his amygdala and trigger his secrets, darkest desires. And there are plenty of ebooks you can buy for $47, act now today, previously sold for $97. You can buy all that stuff, but it's solving the wrong problem. It's solving the marketing problem. Where a lot of times we want to focus, especially in dating, and that's something you do very well, Gary, is on the product side, which is you. And we're not saying that you are a terrible product, not at all. But when it comes to dating, we want to ensure that we're showing up as our best, truest self and starting there, that's always the place to start if we really want to build the right type of desire with a person. Am I Gary? I started this with a question, then I kind of answered my own question. Is answering your question very well?

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Um but it's something I say to clients all the time is like, be the right person helps you attract the right person. And so a lot of what we're doing today is coming from this assumption like you are already you're solid. Like the product, so to speak, is solid. It's good, it's got it's gets high reviews, it's amazing. There's a couple of little tweaks, just subtle little psychological principles that can help you better capture attention. And it's things that you don't necessarily think of, and as far as I know, no one else is talking about anywhere. Um, because I'm I did on these ones deep into the psychology side of things. And so the first principle is something I call the open loop. And here's the thing: the brain doesn't think about what's pleasant, it thinks about and obsesses about what's incomplete. There's a psychological name for this. It's called the zygarnic effect, more simply called cognitive incompleteness. But it's the idea that if something is still open, still yet to be finished, we keep that in mind. Right? There, there's like a famous study where they were talking to um waiters at a restaurant. The waiters, while the order was open, could remember every last detail of what table number 23 ordered, right? They got it all. But as soon as that check closed out, they had no memory whatsoever of what any of those people ordered. That's the zygarnik effect. We remember things that are still open loops in our mind that we haven't closed. This is why you don't want to have a lot of undone tasks, right? It makes it makes your life feel chaotic. You'd feel pulled in all these different directions. So, like, how do we make this work for us in dating? And so I think one of the things that I see clients make the mistake of is they kind of give away the full story. Early in dating, they're given the full complete picture, they're fully available, their full personalities on display, they're giving all the details. And on some level, this is open and honest and transparent. And it is, but it doesn't leave a lot for the brain to figure out. It closes, you know, the other the guy's like, oh, I get it. I understand her story. I understand what there is to her. The conversation then doesn't have very many places to go because it's you provide this clean ending. You become fully known. And that's not necessarily what's best in a dating context.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

I love that. A little bit of mystery makes someone very much so miss you and think about you. It's funny, as you were talking about this, I was I sometimes will do this with clients where I'll edit their online dating profile. I don't do that with our Lux clients, which is kind of our highest tier program we have at Love Strategies. And um, I was going through her profile, and she's so fascinated. You'll know this client, I'm not gonna say her name, of course. She's so incredible. She's in her 70s, she's amazing, she's into artwork, she loves cats. That was disgusting. And she also loves country country music. But the profile that I read just gave it all. It just like it it had every piece of that fully laid out in a way that once you read it, you're like, oh, I kind of understand this full person. And all I did with that profile is I just made it more mysterious. It was like a little bit of country, a little bit of elegance, uh, white tablecloth, and dancing in my boots. And like just made it so I wanted someone to be like, I don't get her, but I'm intrigued. I don't understand it because these two things don't go together. And it's true even on a first meetup or first date when you go out with a guy. I want him leaving that date, thinking of you like an onion. I don't want you to be like an apple that he just eats the whole thing and then there's the core. I don't is that working? Is this analogy working? I don't want you to be an orange that you just peel back the layer that eat the whole orange. I want you to be the onion. You peel back each layer, and as you peel it back, you start to cry out of the wonder and of the beauty of you, this human being is. Gary, am I losing the audience here?

SPEAKER_01 8:10

I think it's funny. We were just talking about marketing and the importance of marketing. And it's like you just said, I want you to be an onion.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

I want you to be an onion. I want you to make him cry in his desire for you.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

But what you're saying is fundamentally true, which is you want to have many layers and you don't want to see the whole thing all at once, right? Like you want to create this mental itch that has to be scratched. And so, so much of what you want to do is like with your storytelling, is you can you let's say you have this amazing story, you went to Paris, you went to a museum, and this really cool thing happened to you. And it's like part of you wants to make sure you get that out on a first date because it makes you look really cool, makes you look worldly and well traveled and classy. But don't let's hold some of that back. Say, like hint at this story, like, oh, like you just said, you know, your travels to Italy, it reminds me of this one time in Paris. It's kind of a long story. I'll tell you more about that some other time. Ooh, we've created an open tab. We've created this thing that this guy is leaving this date with questions. And there's like part of us that doesn't think that that's the right idea. We want him to have all the answers to see us, but we also we do want him to have questions. It's what you were saying with the online profile. I give the same advice. It's like you have to write your profile in a way where this guy doesn't feel like he's already read this profile 20 other times. Yeah, right? You can't say I'm into yoga and Starbucks and hiking. Great. Great. I mean, that's great that you're into all those things, but like we've got to figure out a better way to portray that because there's lots of people out there that are into all those things. It's the same thing with texting. You have to text in a way, it's like, don't tell whole stories over text. Use your texts to build anticipation for the in-person meetups. And so, hey, next time when we're out, remind me to tell you about blank. Or another time, I'm gonna tell you about this other thing. He asks, How is your weekend? You just tell him, Pretty good. There was one really exciting thing that I can't wait to tell you about when we meet for drinks later this week. Ooh, ooh, cliffhangers. Every show you love has cliffhangers. Build some cliffhangers into your dating life too.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

I love that. And one thing we've introduced with our clients, this is I'll just throw in a short plug because it's not something we talk a lot about on the podcast, is um, one of the things we offer is what is known as Sage. Sage is a part of our relationship intelligence suite. So Sage is our AI companion that our clients will use when they're texting with a guy or to create their online dating profile. We call it a magnetic profile. So, what our clients will do is enter their information and Sage will give them a very highly mysterious and curious, curiosity-driven profile. And our clients will constantly say, I wasn't getting any messages before Sage. Now my inbox is just full of incredible guys. Same thing with just our chat. It's kind of like ChatGPT, but like 10,000 times better because it is trained based on all of the love strategies information over the past 15 years, all of our coaching staff, everyone here. And our clients will very regularly just like take a screenshot of a text message, ask Sage how to respond, and Sage will give a playfully curious response. And so these this is just a small part of what we do with our clients to guide them every single step of the way. Cause we don't want you to just kind of word vomit everything all at once throughout this process. I want to create that desire. I want that mysteriousness to remain. And so, for those who are listening who are like, man, I need Sage in my life, I need some coaching in my life, just head on over to loveapply.com. You can apply for love strategy session. We can see whether or not we can help. So I'm just so proud of Sage, Gary. You are such a huge part of building that as well. And it's so awesome to see how many of our clients just like love everything she does for them.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

They when they say love it, they love it, love it, love it. Right. It's like I always say it's like the instant atom in your pocket, right? It's like anytime you have a question about anything, you in Sage, and it's really just it's all from us. So you don't get any of like the garbage that's out online, it's not Chat GPT, it's not trained on Reddit or anything like that. It's just trained on our stuff. So it's like you only get high quality information, and it's it'll sound like some of the things you hear on the podcast. You'll get some feedback that sounds just like what we're sharing, which which is which is but tailored to your specific situation in a way that we can't always do on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

So by the way, it's not trained on it's not Adam in your pocket, it's Gatum in your pocket. It's Gary Adam. Gary Adam. All right. You went with Adam Glittav, Addery.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Okay. Nice. All right. So the second way to keep a man thinking about you is high definition compliments. Now, you want to date high character, high functioning, accomplished men. These guys get a lot of attention, they get a lot of validation, they get a lot of compliments. You're so smart, you're so successful, you're amazing. And you know what? They're kind of bored. They're kind of over it. They've heard this so many times, it becomes noise. And they're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Now, so you want to do something different. You want to have a high definition compliment. And so that's focusing on things about him that others miss, right? You're not just complimenting him, but you're gonna get compliment in a way that makes him feel seen, heard, and understood. So don't praise the results. Like he's, yes, he he wins. He a lot of good things happen to this guy. So don't be, don't say, I love your car, I love your house, you know, I love all these places. You go, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Praise him for the inputs, praise him for the process. And this could be ideally, it's things that are high um quality relationship things, right? So I noticed how you stayed completely quiet there for a few seconds before responding. I love how thoughtful you are about things. Ooh, who doesn't want a thoughtful long-term partner? You're somebody that notices details that other people miss. The process, he's not getting those kind of compliments. I love how you're willing to change your mind when you hear new information. You have a calm way of solving problems, these are compliments, and it's things that go into what he does. I love how hard you work at the things that really matter to you. Ooh. Ooh, it validates who he is as a person and how he wants to see himself as a person. That's not something that other people are doing.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah, like if I'm gonna praise you for your speaking skills, Gary, like I wouldn't just say, Oh, Gary, you're a great presenter. I'd say, Gary, I love how good you are at building PowerPoints because I know how important that is to you. That is my love language. That's my love language for sure. That is literally Gary's love language. Like, I think Gary just he dreams about creating PowerPoint slides with animation, and it's fantastic. You're so good at it. So notice what I'm doing, everybody. I'm fine.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

It was spying to spelling, pal.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Because I'm validating his identity, not who he is. Oh my god. But it's kind of true in the same way. It's like for guys who have done things in their lives, which is what you all are looking for, you want met men who have won, guys who have maybe sold a company or run a company. You don't just say, Wow, it's so impressive that you run a company. It's wow, I see the discipline that you bring to every morning getting to work, working three hours uninterrupted. And how that's such a rare quality in people, in a person, right? Now you're you're peering into the identity traits that led him to the result. And when we do that, he's going to feel like you've seen a part of him that no one else has seen. And trust me, he's going to ruminate on that in a wonderful way. He's going to be thinking about that. Can you say, can you say ruminate in a positive way? You can. Yeah, go right. Thank you, Gary. I just did. He's going to be thinking about you, missing you. He's going to want more of that. So that this is a great point, Gary. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

Yeah, it's like, you know, no cheap compliments. Everybody, anybody can give a cheap compliment. So let's let's do something a little bit, a little bit better. Third one here. Have playful friction. Everybody in life tries to make things easier, simpler, a little bit smoother. Not it's not the way to do it when it comes to flirting and making yourself memorable. You don't have to be completely agreeable all the time. It's okay to be a little challenging. Now you don't want to be disagreeable and grumpy, but you don't have to just go along to get along all the time. Right? It's there's actually this thing, I know there's a little bit of a tangent, but there's something that's called friction maxing where it's like so much technology makes our life easier. There's this idea of like maybe technology is making our life too easy. So friction maxing is purposely making things a little bit more difficult, like logging out of your social media every single time. So the next time you go on Instagram, you have to log back in. It just makes a little bit harder. Like it just stops you a little bit. Um, it's not using GPS to drive somewhere that you know how to go to. Um, just making your life a little harder. It's like put a little bit more thought into it. And so there is something to this psychologically. We like desirable difficulty, we like the sense of a challenge. We don't, if something's too easy, it's boring. It doesn't stimulate us, we're not interested. If it's too hard, it starts to then feel like it's not worth the effort. It's a little frustrating. And so this is why the best kind of person to play a sport with or against is someone who's just a little bit better than you, right? And like this is exactly Adam's experience when he plays pool with me. It's so exciting for for Adam to play pool with me because I'm clearly a little bit better than him, which we learn when we go to our live events, we now play pool every time. And I think I'm getting better, and Adam might be getting worse, but there's the point's though.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

And now, everyone listening in, if next week Gary is not on the podcast, you know why. All right, you all know why. And Gary, just so you know, I'm buying a pool table this week to install my new home. You're done, dude. You are done. Oh my god, that's what you say.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

But so after it being close, when we played in Phoenix, we then played in Boston. And when I say Adam brought me to his hometown pool place, literally walks into the place, and like everyone in the place turns around and is like, Oh, it's Adam. It was like cheers, but like it, but in a Somerville part of Boston. Um still on his home turf, still emerged victorious.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Um, and you know what's annoying about this point, Gary, is I've been missing you and missing playing pool because I've been thinking about how I'm gonna take your ass down the next time. I this is like really for those of you who haven't been listening to the podcast for long, I'm extremely competitive and I'm extremely confident in my abilities. Too much. I have too much confidence. And Gary knows this, especially with things like pool. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you, buddy. I'm gonna get you.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

But hopefully, for all of you listening who don't care at all about our pool playing exploits, what what I want you to see by this is just like when you get guys and you just you get a little playful and you challenge them a little bit, and you like particularly just a little competitiveness, yeah, it brings out a side of them that's fun. It brings out a side of them that's authentic. It brings out a side of a guy who like relaxes and can just kind of be himself. And so this is also what you want to be able to do in conversation. Don't just so many women date, I think, with this. Like, I have to say yes, I have to go along to get along. I don't want to create any problems, but I don't think that that's the right way to go. Look for opportunities to push back a little bit, right? He gives you a thought or an opinion. Say, you know, that makes sense, but I'm not really fully convinced. Tell me more. Gives him a chance to talk a little bit more. It's like, oh, now you are now an intellectual counterpart, not just someone who's like yesing him to death and just agreeing. You can even go as far as saying, you know what, I'm not sure I agree, but I'm open to being convinced because, ooh, like now that's that's like a little intellectual challenge. Like that brings up some of that competitiveness. It has to be genuine. Do not play dumb and do not fake disagreement. Just don't be afraid to be a little curious, to disagree, to challenge, to push back, to introduce a little bit of that playful friction because high character guys like it. They are not intimidated by it. And it's almost, it's like it's there's no better way to say, like, hey, we're on the same level than just a little bit of playful friction.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Well, I think all the women listening here can likely agree with the statement that nice guys aren't usually that attractive. Like when a guy's super nice, that just means he's being extremely agreeable throughout the time. I mean, and there's more to it, but let's just keep it at that. Like typically he's being very, very agreeable. The same really does apply for men being attracted to women. Like, men are not naturally drawn to just nice gals. Like, you want to be kind, you want to be compassionate, we want to be nurturing, but we can also challenge him and challenge him intellectually, stimulate him, push back a little bit. You know, like Gary, I don't want to belabor uh this this one point, but uh I'll see if I can tie it into this. I used to have a little bit of a um a mental model whenever. I would talk about sports with guys. I'm going to tell you my trick because luckily none of my friends are listening to this. So for all of you listening in, I don't really follow sports. I definitely don't follow the Philadelphia Eagles because they're not a very good team. But I always had I always had a little bit of a trick when I was talking sports to guys. And it would work every time. Where if a guy's like, oh yeah, the Red Sox this past week, uh, they they weren't doing so hot. I had a rule where I would do yes, yes, no. So let's say a guy's like, oh, the Red Sox aren't doing so well this this year. I'm like, yeah, it's really tough. And he's like, oh man, and I don't even know what Red Sox play, Manny Rivera, he's not doing so well. And I'd be like, yeah, he's not. And they'd be like, yeah, and also, you know, the Patriots aren't doing so well. Then I would always say, Well, no, I'm not so sure about that. I would always push back on the third point, and it gave me so much credibility. It was my yes, yes, no rule. And honestly, Gary, I've gotten away with so many sports conversations with knowing nothing about sports just by doing a yes, yes, no.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

That's hilarious. It's hilarious because one, you're a guy that isn't into sports ball of any sort, sports ball, but it's also like that is exactly the right ratio. It's like yes, yes, no. It's not no, yes, yes, right? Yeah, right. And so there's a little bit of like, hey, we're on the same page, on the same page, but not about everything. Like, let me just kind of throw out this other perspective. That's okay. It's okay to disagree. We'd not we are not actually looking for partners who believe every last little thing we believe. Because I think, particularly for those of you listening to this podcast, you're gonna consider yourself a lifelong learner, someone who cares about growth and intellectual curiosity. How do you get that in a partner? It's not somebody who agrees with you all the time. You want just a little bit of desirable friction, a little desirable difficulty in your conversation, because that's gonna help you gain new perspectives and insights. That's really what we want.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

And I just want to say one final thing about you, Gary, that I think is is work so I'm gonna this is gonna be now positive, very positive, which is I think why we work so well together is because we have a very yes, yes, no relationship. Like when we're working together, we have ideas where almost I would say 66.6% of the time we are on the same page, but then we will always challenge each other. And I love that. I love that about you working with you is you'll be like, Adam, I disagree. I disagree with that. Here's why I might not always come around. I usually do because you're far smarter than I am. And it's but it's true. Like, I just think that that is such a healthy relationship and it's fun and it keeps the relationship fresh and engaged, you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

Well, so there's something to be said for the fact that I totally agree, by the way, but it's it's something to be said for like two people who have a lot of relationship skill. And we both know that it's okay to disagree. It doesn't mean that there's anything threatening to the relationship. It's like we're not we're gonna agree about most things most of the time. It's probably a lot higher than 66.4 or whatever you just said. But it's like the times we disagree, it's like you know that every time I give a yes, I mean it, yeah. Like if I'm agreeing with something, it's because I actually feel that way. Because if I don't agree with something, I I will say it and I say it in like a matter, yeah. I just don't think that that's the way to go. And you do the same thing with me, and it's there's just something really this is gonna sound weird to say, but emotionally safe about that dynamic. I agree. Because yeses mean something and no's mean something, which is good. Definitely, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

Which I think leads us to the final one because we were talking a lot about these various points, which is going out on a high, Gary. I think it's time to go out on a high here, which is the last part of any conversation matters a lot. That's why stories need happy endings. And so, Gary, I know you wanted to talk about the psychology of this a little bit, the peak end rule.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Yeah, so you know, the peak end rule is basically like there's a lot of stuff that goes on, but what we really want to stick and what just sticks by nature is how things end. In a very great book, uh Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman talks a lot about this in the context of colonoscopies.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

I'm gonna say we were gonna talk about that. I was gonna talk about that. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Yeah, I guess great. You can you want to? No, no, you go. You go.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Everyone knows what a colonoscopy is. It's unpleasant, it's a little uncomfortable. Here's the thing. And what they did what they didn't realize is like it's so uncomfortable that there's this compulsion to like get it done as fast as possible, even if at the end it's a little painful and uncomfortable. Okay, but what they they also tried this other version where it's like this is gonna take a little bit longer, but we're going to end the conspiracy in such a way that the end isn't nearly as unpleasant, even though it causes the whole procedure to take longer. And what they found was people vastly preferred that second version. The longer, which it sounds like it's a longer period of discomfort, which it was, but because they did it in such a way where the end wasn't as bad, people remembered the whole thing as much more positive. And so how you end matters, and is how you transitioning. This is a tough transition in segue from colonoscopies to dating. But I was wondering how you're gonna create that transition. How am I gonna do it how am I gonna do it, Adam? Roughly, rough transition. But it's like how on a date, don't linger too long. When things are going great, you kind of want to squeeze every last ounce of fun and enjoyment out of that date. Don't do it. End on a high. Say, this has been wonderful. I hate to cut this short. I can't wait to see, you know, what we plan next, all that, but go out on a high. That's okay. It's much better than the conversation is dwindling, your energy is fading, and you're just like, Yep, well, I guess it's time to go now. And ending that way, even though the the previous two hours were amazing, if you end on the well, awkward silence, time to go. That's not the way to do it.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

Definitely. So the way to end this podcast is on colonoscopies. That leaves us at a high. That is our peak ending of this podcast. But it is so true. Really, when you're going on meetups, this is why we recommend for our clients a first meetup is basically a first date. Keep it within an hour, maybe two max, but we're not going to do a five-hour date because we want to just kind of keep him thinking about you. I want him, and this isn't to manipulate or play mind games, it's also a very healthy way to date so that we're not staying on a date for five hours with someone we just met. Keep it short, see how it goes. Let the desire linger a little bit. And for those who are listening and want to learn more about colonoscopies and Gary's coaching style, just head on over to loveapply.com. Gary, how's that for a uh call out?

SPEAKER_01 28:55

That's that's fantastic. I've never had a higher accolade.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

Yes, exactly. No, we we have a lot of fun here at Love Strategies. And this is what we do. We are executive love coaches who guide you every single step of the way by following this very simple but powerful process we call the seven little love steps. And for those who are listening who really want to start building a deeper emotional connection with guys, be able to find the right person for you so you stop wasting time on these low value guys, just head on over to loveapply.com. That's where you apply for a complimentary love strategy session with someone on my team who's gonna speak with you, understand the patterns that you have continued to repeat throughout your love life, and then really understand how we can break those patterns so that over the next six months, we can work with you, we can support you, we can guide you every single step of the way so you can find that man in your relationship you truly deserve. Head on over to loveapply.com. We only have a few sessions available last time I checked today. Um, get on that, click the link in the description. And Gary, this was a fun one, man. I really appreciate you and enjoy the rest of your day, everyone.